Till We Meet Again (12 page)

The green eyed monster in me started cheering but I stomped him out. I felt sorry for Chrissy trying to stomp out her demons; Charles having to give tough love…something he was not use to; and the two little kids sitting by the Christmas tree…waiting for their mother…the only Christmas gift they really wanted.

     “It really woke Chrissy up,” Caroline continued. “Having no other choice she turned, walked down the stoop and walked into the snow. Not realizing I was standing behind him, Charles closed the door. Leaned his forehead on the door and began to cry. It was the first time I ever saw my brother cry. Even when my dad beat him when jumping on the balcony.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn’t sure how much more I could listen to. It wasn’t easy hearing that the man I cared so much about had his heart rip out of him.

Caroline continued, “Chrissy went back to the rehab facility in Colorado. She talked her dad into paying for the rehab with the trust her mother had left her. Her dad was the trustee and therefore in charge of any money coming in or going out. Even though he was a hardnosed man, my mom thinks he did it because he knew if he didn’t his daughter would drink herself to death as her mother did but at a much younger age.

     “Chrissy got sober and even though she kept dating one loser guy after another she didn’t let them affect her sobriety. And then several years ago she met this guy Brian who she had met at the rehab in Colorado during her second stint with them. Brian is not a loser at all. Not quite the free spirit that Chrissy is but not quite as stable as Charles either. But the most important thing is that he takes his sobriety very seriously. Together he and Chrissy have built a life for themselves out in California, in the middle of nowhere. Basically living off the grid. Strange but it works for them. That’s all that matters.”

     “And Charles” I asked. “How does he feel about her?”

     “Chrissy?” Caroline seemed surprised I asked. “She’s the mother of his children. He wishes her and Brian well but he has no real contact with her.”

     “Oh,” I said. “Still a little hurt?” I asked.

     “No,” answered Caroline. “I think Charles got over Chrissy before he closed the door that Christmas day. He wasn’t crying because of a love for Chrissy. He had realized long before then that wasn’t the kind of relationship they had. You see Chrissy had her addictions but so did Charles.”

     “What?” I said in shock.

     “Yes,” Caroline said. “He had this need to save people. When he closed that door on Chrissy he also had to close the door on his need to help other people. He still helps people but only those who try to help themselves. He and Chrissy had a toxic relationship. He had to put an end to it. And then go tell his children they were not going to see their mother for Christmas that year. I think that was truly the hardest thing Charles ever did.”

At that very moment I had a need too. I wanted to leave and rush to Charles and give him the biggest hug in the world.  But I stayed and finished lunch with Caroline with my heart breaking for my man.

1

Years Later

The mirrored elevator opened up to a prestigious looking lobby with hardwood floors, cherry wood and leather furniture. This was it. This was where fortunes were made and sometimes lost. I was at the second largest brokerage firm in the country at their Rye, New York, right outside White Plains, headquarters. Some would say that it was strange that I was here. Around all of that “old money.” But here I was…an educated, of color, well-spoken, divorced mother of two. I did not attend an Ivy League school, like many of my colleagues, but attended a state university on an academic scholarship. I worked my butt off just as hard, if not harder than the others. I deserved to be here. And here I was coming in at a Vice President level. I walked across the lobby and over to the receptionist as if I belonged. My heels clicked as I walked across the freshly waxed hardwood floors.

The twenty-something blond haired receptionist sat behind a large cherry wood desk. The light from an antique desk lamp gave a soft warm glow across her face. Looking professional in her Ann Taylor suit she looked up at me and smiled.

     “May I help you?” she asked politely.

     “Hello, my name is Simone Cameron. I’m to begin working in the Risk Management Department today,” I smiled.

     “Yes, Ms. Cameron. Welcome. I’ll announce you.” She pressed the buttons on the telephone console in front of her. “Will you please have a seat?”

She pointed across the way to a couple of leather bound high backed chairs, which sat on a beautiful Persian rug. The waiting area looked as if it belonged in a mansion rather than a waiting room of an office. I sat down with my legs crossed at the ankles and smoothed down the skirt of my dark suit. I reflected on if the pearls I wore were too much. I knew that working for this brokerage firm I should dress conservatively, but I didn’t want to look unapproachable, which I tend to do when I’m nervous. I wanted to make a great first impression on my co-workers. Most of who were Vice Presidents, Managing Directors and Executive Directors of the Firm.

I began to get nervous. Was I in over my head? Did I sell myself so well during the interview process that I now was in a position I could not possibly fill? With my salary and bonus potential I was about to make more money than I had ever made. And with both boys about to be out of college in the next year or two I was actually going to keep some of it. Not bad for someone who started off in the business as a receptionist while raising 2 infant boys? I had been determined to give the boys a great home life and education, regardless of their father’s neglectfulness. The boys were about to hit the working world. Since they were now grown and basically on their own it was my turn to excel in my career. But could I live up to the hype? Or would I crash and burn my first day out? 

Checking my posture and holding my chin up high I tried to look professional, confident and approachable. It didn’t work. I just looked like a snob. O.K. that’s not it, I crossed my ankles the other way, held my chin just a fraction of an inch lower and tried to relax. No, that’s not it either.

Before I worked myself into a nervous frenzy, my immediate supervisor, Madeline, appeared. She was a Director of the Firm, on the fast track to becoming an Executive Director, in her mid-thirties, very attractive and quite possibly the smartest woman I ever met. We really connected during the interview process. I was impressed with her intelligence, her strength, her kindness and the fact that she was not intimidated by the knowledge that I was looking to excel in my career as well. That’s what I liked most about her and the Managing Directors who interviewed me. The success of its employees was very important to the department and they were very encouraging regarding the advancement of their employees’ career. I knew right away that this was the place for me. After years of conducting audits in the tri-state area, I would now be on the sales side of the business, where I started, but now I was the Risk Manager for our department. I would be writing policies and procedures; making sure everyone followed the rules and regulations while
and at the same time making sure we would be making money and reaching our audit goals.

Madeline was dressed in a Brooks Brothers suit and Louboutin shoes. Both of which I recognized immediately but could ill afford. Not yet anyway. Her skirt stopped just above the knees. Her medium length, thick, dirty blond hair was cut perfectly so that it layered just passed her shoulders. I stood up, smiled and shook her hand as she gave me a warm and comforting smile. She was wearing pearls too.

     “Welcome. Are you ready for your first day?”

     “Yes, I am,” I said with the confidence I didn’t feel.

She thanked the receptionist and led me down an even more impressive corridor.

     “This building is so large I hope I don’t get lost,” I laughed.

     “The building is actually the size of three football fields. If you get lost, don’t worry, we’ll find you,” she smiled as she pointed up to the ceiling at a “hidden camera.”

     “That’s comforting,” I said hoping I wouldn’t forget about the cameras if my panties ever rode up.

We walked through glass doors into what was Madeline’s office. She sat behind a Chippendale desk and motioned for me to take one of the seats across from her. “Can I get you a cappuccino?” She pointed over to the credenza, which held a cappuccino machine. I love cappuccino, but I tend to talk a million miles a minute after drinking one. I thought it best not to give the impression that I was on crack my first day.

     “No, thank you,” I said.

We sat and talked for a while and then Madeline gave me a tour of the department. By the time she showed me around I had been introduced to about a million people. Somehow, during that
time, I became calm, relaxed and very sociable, until one of the Managing Directors said in an authoritative voice, “We’ve been waiting for you for a long time. I hear you’re really going to clean this place up.”

     “Yes,” I said having no idea what to say, as the butterflies fluttered around in my stomach.

     “We know you’re going to turn this department around. Welcome,” John continued.

     “Yes, I will,” I said with a nervous smile, wondering if it was too late to return to my old job.

The following month was filled with online mandatory training and reading the policies and procedures I was supposed to eventually update and enforce. This is how I discovered I needed reading glasses. I attended back-to-back meetings and conference calls. Cappuccino became my closest friend. I learned how not to get lost in the massive building. And I wondered if I’d ever understand what the hell they were all talking about.

After one of the meetings the Chief Compliance Officer, Mike, who seemed to be involved in about 60 percent of my meetings asked me how I was doing.

     “I’m fine,” I said trying to swallow my nervousness.

     “I know it’s like being dropped off in a foreign land without knowing the language, but believe me you will get it eventually.”

I wondered how long the powers that be would wait for me to catch up. Is two years too long? How could I tell him I felt way over my head and thought they were wasting their money on me?

     “It usually takes people six months to catch on,” Mike continued as we walked out of the conference room. 

O.K., so two years was definitely too long.

Three months later I received a baptism by fire. As per usual the Securities Exchange Commission (SEC) would audit our department every two years. Guess what time it was? For the next five months Madeline and I worked tirelessly late into the night. During the day we would do our “regular work” while sending and collecting emails to different parties of the Firm in order to get the information the SEC requested. “After hours” we would coordinate the information we received and craft answers along with back up information to be produced. Many nights we worked till midnight and once we worked until three in the morning trying to make a deadline. Since Madeline and I were both perfectionist and “control freaks” it felt natural to work throughout the night to get the information to the SEC just right. I loved it! I know that sounds crazy, but I knew I had found my calling. I learned a lot from Madeline. I would emulate Madeline without even realizing it. All of the skills I came in with were sharpened to the 10
th
degree. People were used to seeing us together in her office working on projects, talking on conference calls, and sitting in boardrooms during meetings. Before I knew it I was sitting in on calls and meetings without Madeline.

During this time Madeline received a promotion as Executive Director. When the announcement was made the Chief Compliance Officer, Mike said, “That’s really good for you, isn’t it?” I acted like I had no idea what he was talking about. But he obviously recognized a fellow ambitious person. I began to think. As Madeline’s career continued to grow would she help my career grow as well?

Shortly thereafter I began hosting meetings. Madeline appointed me as Project Manager on several projects. And I volunteered for others. Some projects caused me to work closely with upper management. I felt like I had arrived. It turned out I knew a lot more than I thought I knew. And I was really enjoying my job…no not a job, a career.

At one point I had to give a PowerPoint presentation to the Executive Committee. I was so nervous I couldn’t eat or sleep for two days. When it was over I was so relieved. I knew I did a great job. At the end of my presentation the Managing Director, John, who was a member of the Executive Committee, shared with the other members. He stated that he didn’t know how our department had managed without me. He continued to say that they were truly lucky that they were smart enough to hire me. When I walked out of there, all I could think was “someone has got to show me how to do a cartwheel.”

Exactly 11 months from my start date I was promoted to the level of Vice President and received a bonus that was more than 50 percent of my salary. A year after that I was promoted to Director with an assistant and a staff of my own. Yeah…I really liked this place

1

With spring in the air Charles announced that we work way too hard and that we needed a vacation in the Bahamas.  So we both cleared our calendars and headed out for a long weekend on the Grand Bahamas Island.

Standing on the balcony of the five-star resort, I watched the waves of the ocean cascade onto the shore. It was the second morning of our vacation in the Bahamas. I was still in the luxurious robe supplied by the resort as Charles and I had just come out of the shower together after a marathon night of love making. To think, when I was married I wasn’t sure I even liked sex and now I couldn’t get enough of it. Or I should say I couldn’t get enough of Charles.

As I was thinking about how much my life had changed, Charles walked up behind me wearing his matching robe too. He wrapped one arm around my waist as he handed me a cup of cappuccino. “I thought you’d need an extra charge to get you started before we hit the seaside shops.” He kissed the back of my neck as I took the cup from him.

I took a sip and turned to face him. “Thank you,” I said as I stood on my toes and kissed his full lips. “You look like you could use some, too.”

“After last night and this morning? I’m going to have to take it intravenously.” He gave me a light kiss. He took the cup from my hand and placed it on the table of the bistro set, which sat on the balcony. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply. I put my hands inside his robe, where I could feel his bare chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and got lost in his kiss. How could his kiss still make me feel dizzy after over nine months?

Boy, how my life had changed. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been to the Bahamas before. The boys and I took a weeklong vacation after I first started working for the Firm. It was like a “medal of accomplishment” for me. Here I was a divorced mother who started in the business as a receptionist, and raised two very active boys without any help from their father. I was so happy to be in a position to do something special for my boys and me. I was pretty proud of myself at the time.

But this was different. I was with someone who wanted nothing more than to spend time with me. He made me feel so special. From the limo to and from the airport; to the bouquet of white roses that were waiting for me when we arrived in the suite; to the way he looked into my eyes during dinner as if there was no one in the world but the two of us. And not to mention the way he feasted on me throughout the night. Never in my life, had I been with someone who was so happy to make me happy…both in and out of bed.

As Charles pulled my robe down and kissed my shoulder I realized that the seaside shopping was going to have to wait. What a vacation!

Later that night we sat at a table for two on the veranda overlooking the ocean. The ocean’s breeze caused the candlelight to flicker. Earlier we shared a bottle of wine as the sun set. Having just finished our dessert of chocolate mousse we sat looking at each other as Charles held my hand. He subconsciously rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.

     “Have you enjoyed your vacation?” he asked.

     “Immensely,” I purred.

He smiled, “Sorry we didn’t get down to the seaside shops earlier, as planned.”

     “I’m not,” I said thinking of the love we made till well after lunch time. “I never had such an awesome vacation. It couldn’t get better.”

     “Oh really? I think it could.” Just then Charles reached into his inside jacket pocket with his other hand. And out came a square jewelry box.

I instantly froze.

     “You can open it, it won’t bite you,” Charles said letting go of my hand.

I smiled nervously and slowly reached for the box. Staring at the box I opened it even slower. As I opened the box I was pleasantly surprised to see a pair of sapphire earrings surrounded by small diamonds. It was the most beautiful pair of earrings I had ever seen.

     “Charles,” I said letting out a breath, “These are gorgeous. They are so beautiful. Thank you.” As I reached over the table to kiss him I stopped. Charles was looking at me in a way I had never seen him look.

     “What’s wrong?” I said.

He continued to look at me. After another moment of silence he said, “You want to tell me why you had a look of absolute terror when I first brought out the box?”

     “Did I?” I said looking down.

     “You know you did. You thought it was an engagement ring, didn’t you?”

Feeling nervous, I reached for my glass of wine. Charles’ hand stopped me before I reached it. “Would it be so terrible to be married to me?”

     “What? What are you talking about? Why would you say that?” I pulled my hand away.

     “Why? Maybe because you had the look of someone who just realized their brakes didn’t work a minute before they ran off a cliff. And then when you saw it was earrings instead of a ring, you couldn’t even hide the look of relief. What’s going on Simone?

I reached for and was finally able to get my glass of wine. I took a gulp and looked at Charles. “I just think things are great the way they are. So why change it?” I said trying to smile. Charles just looked at me. I took another sip.

I cleared my throat. “So I’m a little gun shy, who isn’t it?” He kept staring at me. “I hate when you do that.” Silence. “Like if you stay quiet I’ll spill my guts.” More silence. “Did you use to be a therapist in another life?” Even more silence. “O.K. fine!” I said, putting my glass down. “So I’m scared as hell! What do you expect? I just finished pulling down my defenses. I’m not ready to give everything up for some guy.”

In a quiet voice he said, “I’d like to think I’m more than ‘some guy’.” Charles’ jaw twitched.

     “Yea, you are. That’s what scares me.”

     “Listen, Simone, I’m not going to ask you to do anything you don’t want to do. So relax.”

     “I am,” I said.

     “You are now. But I thought you were going to have a stroke a minute ago.”

     “I know,” I laughed nervously. “But I’m fine now.”

     “Yes, because it wasn’t a ring.” I looked down at the open jewelry box. Charles continued, “I’m not saying I want to get married tomorrow…but I do one day.”

I looked out at the ocean.

     “I’m not saying this to scare you, Simone. I just want you to know how I feel.” He took my hand again. “Shortly before we met I was just like you. I concentrated every waking moment on my work. You have your family as well. But me, everything was my job. When I couldn’t work hard enough in my day job, I decided to buy a couple of places to rent out. Not just as an investment but also as something else to keep me busy. I loved it…I thought. I wanted to keep busy…I thought. I wanted to be by myself…I thought. Then I realized I needed more. I needed…I wanted someone to share my life with. It got to the point where that was all I was thinking of. I went on plenty of dates, but no one gave me the satisfaction I needed. There was just no chemistry, no spark. Until one day I got on the elevator.”

I looked up at him. “It was so funny.” He said. “It wasn’t until I came out of my daze that I realized you had been struck by lightning too. And then we ended up at the same workshop and the same table. I knew we were meant to meet. And then when you argued with me over football,” he laughed. “All I wanted to do was make love to you right there and then. When we finally did make love, I couldn’t get enough of you. And now? I just want to carry you back up to the suite and make love to you all night again.”

I started to interrupt, but he raised his hand. “Don’t bother telling me its just lust. I know what lust is. It’s more than that. I think of you 24/7. I want to be with you 24/7. Every moment I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re OK. I wonder if you’re sad. I wonder if you’re happy. I wish I could go back in time and protect you from those who hurt or disappointed you. But I know I can’t. I know the hurt you went through and the people you lost along the way, are what made you the person I fell in love with.”

I quickly looked up. “Yes, I am in love with you. This isn’t how I planned to tell you, but….,” he shrugged his shoulders. “I do love you and I do want to marry you. But I know you’re not ready. And that is the only reason I did not have a ring in that box,” he said pointing to the jewelry box. “But I’m willing to wait. I’m willing to wait for you to see that I am the one you’ve been waiting for too.”

As the tears I held back ran down my cheek I wondered about the unusual turns my life had taken. And what I had done to be so lucky, to have been at the right place, at the right time, to meet the right man. I took Charles’ hands in mine and pulled him over for a soft kiss. The love I felt for               him welled up inside me, waiting to erupt. In his eyes I saw that he needed me to say how I felt. But I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t pull that last brick down. I wondered just how much longer he would wait…if he would wait at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     “Simone…Simone. Are you listening to me?” the voice coming from the phone said.

     “What? Oh, I’m sorry Moira. What did you say?” I answered while sitting in my office.

     “It doesn’t matter. How long is this going to go on?” Moira said impatiently.

     “How long is what going to go on?” I said moving papers to one side of my desk.

     “How long are you going to keep avoiding Charles? It’s been over two weeks since your trip to the Bahamas.”

     “I’m not avoiding him, Moira. I’ve just been very busy with this latest audit.”

     “You’re not any busier with this audit then you were with the 100 others you’ve lead. Don’t try to bullshit me, Simone. We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I moved the papers to the other side of my desk. “I can’t face him, Moira. I just can’t.”

     “Why, just because you stabbed the poor guy in the heart?”

     “Not funny. You had to see his face.”

     “No. Apparently I should have seen
your
face. What is with you? How could you push such a great guy away?”

     “I didn’t push him away…”

     “No. You threw him away. Do you know how many women would die for a guy like Charles?”

     “I guess I’m just not ready. I thought I was, but…”

     “It’s not that you’re not ready. You’re scared. So you were hurt in the past. We all were. Get over it!”

     “I am over it…I’m just. I don’t know. I just don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve gained over the years.”

     “That’s stupid!”

     “Excuse me?”

     “I said ‘that’s stupid’. What have you gained in these past years that you would lose by being with Charles?  And, frankly, from where I stand I don’t see Charles taking anything. I see you taking everything!”

     “What do you mean by that?”

     “You know what I mean. These past few months Charles has been playing by your rules. And I don’t know how he can keep up, since you seem to make the rules up as you go along. You want him close, then, you want him at arm’s length. You want to be his everything, but then he’s smothering you. You say you’re ready for a man of your own, but then you throw a great one away. If you don’t want him, then release him so that some other woman who knows how to treat him can get him.”

I felt my face turn red with anger. After a moment, when I felt my anger under control I said, “Moira, we’ve never had a fight in all the years we’ve known each other. But if you keep this up we will.”

     “Good!” Moira yelled into the phone. “At least I know you’re feeling something! What is the point of letting that wall down if you keep up an electrical fence as a safety measure? I know you Simone, you love him but you’ll shoot yourself in the foot, just to keep yourself ‘safe‘. You’re shutting a good thing out. There’s no guarantee that you won’t get hurt. But that’s a chance you have to take.”

     “I took a chance before and where did that get me?!” I yelled back into the phone. “I lost my friends, precious years lost with my family, years on welfare; loss of all self-esteem; and a big disappointment in my grandparents’ eyes.” As the tears streamed down my face I began to speak quietly into the phone, “I can’t fail again, Moira. I can’t go through that again. I can’t keep looking myself in the mirror and seeing only hurt and shame in my own eyes. And I can’t look into my sons’ eyes and wonder if they think I’m a loser too.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Moira’s voice broke as she spoke, “You’re not a loser, Simone, you never were and you never could be. As for the boys, they are so proud of you. How you raised them without their dad. How you did without in order to send them to the best schools. How you were strict when you needed to be and loving when it was called for and your grandparents? You know yourself how much they loved you and how proud they were of you. Yes, you detoured from the original plan, but who doesn’t. The point is you put yourself and your sons on the right path. Your grandparents were able to see that for themselves. They saw what you accomplished and what you were about to accomplish for yourself and the boys.  They knew you were the woman they raised you to be. “You can’t keep punishing yourself because you had the nerve to love Thomas,” Moira continued.
“You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve the love that Charles has for you. Don’t push his love away. Embrace it. Embrace it, because you deserve it.”