Tilt (26 page)

Dylan,’ until finally security hauled him off.”

Gram told him to shut up and when he refused,

she went in search of a uniform. “And then,

there was my cousin, Harley. She’s only

thirteen. And boy, was she vamped

out in a really short skirt and really

tall heels and a really tight tank top

that made her boobs look really big.

I’ve never seen her dressed like that

before. She was even wearing makeup.”

Heavy makeup. Not quite trampy,

but close. “Some of those old guys

were checking her out. Perverts.”

Takes one to know one, sweetie.

I really like your grandparents,

by the way. Wish mine were more

like them. They hate me being queer.

“Mine are pretty cool, okay. Wish

they’d stick around more. Mom

could use their support.” They took

off for California. They’ll be back in

a couple of weeks. But then, who

knows? “Okay, parallel parking?

Check. Freeway merging? Check.

Now if I can just get that parent signature . . .”

The Last Time I Asked

Things didn’t go so well. I give

Alex the highlights now:

Me: “I’ve been old enough for

over a month.” Forgotten birthday.

Dad:
You can have it. When I find

the time to take you to the DMV.

Me: “You never have time for me.

And you pretty much suck as a dad.”

Dad:
You’re not exactly my idea

of a noteworthy son, either.

At which point, Mom jumped in,

trying to avert catastrophe. She said

she’d try to take me. I told her to chill.

She worries too much already.

Me: “All you have to do, Dad, is sign

the papers. I can use Alex’s car.”

Dad:
Alex. Perfect.
Said as he poured

himself another drink at ten a.m.

I watched the Irish whiskey glurg

into his coffee. Couldn’t let it go.

Me: “No wonder you don’t want

to take me to the DMV. You’d get busted

for drunk driving. Do you drink

at work too, Dad?” Which somehow

segued to him beating me down

over my sexual orientation.

Dad:
Do you screw your boyfriend

at school?
How one thing led to

another, I’m really not sure. But

suddenly, it wasn’t about my wanting

a driver’s license. It was all about

how my being gay is a sin, at least

in Dad’s eyes. I asked him when my

qualifying for heaven became a priority.

And all he could say as he slurped

Irish coffee was,
I’ll pray for you.

A Soft Whistle

Escapes Alex.
Wow. I knew your dad

isn’t exactly accepting. But I had no

idea it’s because he’s religious.

“He’s not. I mean, when I was a little

kid, we used to go to church all

the time. But then he started to travel

a lot. And then his mom, who was

the religious one to start with, got run

over crossing the street. After she died,

he never went to church again. If he

lost his faith, whatever. But that does

not give him the right to turn into

a no-good, nasty, loser drunk, or to try

and make me believe God hates me

because I’m some sort of an abomination. . . .”

I’m out of breath and losing steam.

But now Alex wants to know,
So, you

believe in God? I mean, considering . . .

“Considering what? That I watch

porn and smoke weed and have

a boyfriend? Yes, as unlikely as it

might seem, I do believe in God.

See, I never felt exactly ‘mainstream’

as a kid. The closest I ever got was

when we went to church and the pastor

would say stuff like we are all God’s

children and He made us in His image.

Christ was all about walking with sinners,

Alex, and paving a path to heaven for

whores and homos and such. I bet his disciples

even strayed now and again, you know?

I mean, after all, they were men walking

the wilds with other men for weeks at a time.”

I wink and he laughs, but then he gets

all serious and says,
And you believe

in heaven? That there’s life after death?

Death

I can’t stand thinking about

that word in relation to

Alex, but he’s waiting for me

to answer, and I think he needs

to hear what I’ve got to say.

“Yes, I believe that there is life

after death. Any physicist will

tell you that energy doesn’t die,

it only changes forms. What

makes you
you
, Alex? That

hunk of gray matter inside

your skull? No way. You—all

of us—have a life force. Energy.

Some people call it a soul.

Whatever you call it, it makes

you
you
. And when your body

dies, your energy will remain.

I can’t say for sure what heaven is.

But I have faith that it’s a special place,

and that you will be welcome there.”

Alex

Faith

Belief in unproven theory, in

what cannot be seen or heard

or touched, is something

I

have never known. Such

an amazing gift, to rise

above the realm of

wish-

ful thinking, all the way

to certainty of life beyond

the curse of early death. If

I

had been immersed in it

as a child, would I still carry

it with me now, and

could

it mute the throbbing

fear? If I reach for it now,

is there a chance that I will

find

it, sure as day follows night

follows day? If I hold Shane

tightly enough, can I absorb

faith?

Harley

If You Hold Someone

Tightly enough, can you make them stay?

Seems like everywhere I look, people

get together, only to break up again.

Especially people I care about, like Dad,

who broke up with Mom, plus a string

of girlfriends, before finding Cassie.

I hope they stay together, but sometimes

I hear them arguing. Can you argue and

still stay together? Is it worth it if you do?

Then there’s Mom, who broke up with Dad,

and who just hooked up with a really cute

guy a few weeks ago. Robin is from Australia,

and has a hot Down Under accent. Mom

has had dates before, but she never really

talks about them. This time, she actually

brought him home for dinner. Not only

that, but she asked me to help her cook

it, so I knew she wanted a heart-to-heart.

I was peeling apples when she launched

it, gushing about Robin and how wonderful

he was. When I didn’t say anything,

she insisted,
What? Talk to me, Harl.

Which made me confess, “I just never

thought about you falling in love.”

It was obvious that she had, and yet

she swore,
Whoa, now, wait a minute.

I never said anything about love.

Then she stood there, hands on hips.

“I know. But since you met him,

you’re . . . different. Happier, I guess.”

Totally true, and when she asked why

that bothered me, I said something totally

stupid. “I want you to be happy because

of me. Not him. Not anyone else.”