Time Changes Everything (17 page)

“You should’ve done it sooner.” He unbuttoned the top button on his shirt as sheen of sweat formed on his forehead.

Wide-eyed Amanda scanned the room and put her hands on her hips. “Can we go somewhere private to discuss this?”

He sighed. God, she was exasperating when she wasn’t ripping his heart out. “No. We can’t. We’re going to discuss this right here. Right now.” He fanned his hand around to point out their family around them. “I want everyone to hear, now that it’s
in the open.” He licked his lips. “I love you, Amanda.”

It wasn’t the way he planned to tell her, with both families in the room, but it was out now.  He reached for Amanda’s hand. When she didn’t pull away, he clasped it in one of his and gazed into her eyes, gently stroking her cheek with the other. “I love you.”

He could feel everyone watching them.  It was more than a little unnerving.

“Everybody, I love this woman.” He never took his eyes off Amanda.  “I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I’ve never felt like this before
-- and I never thought I could.”

Jake reached into his pocket and produced a small box. “I brought this for you. It’s not an engagement ring. Stupid me. I thought you’d like a promise ring, like the old days
-- at least for now.” He opened the box. “This is me making a promise to love you and only you.”

Amanda was silent.  Her mouth slackened as she examined the ring.

Jake rubbed the back of his neck. For the second time today, she had him on edge. “Shit, Mandy, this is a big deal for me. Say something.”

She swallowed. “You love me?”

“Yeah, I love you.”

“Are you sure?”

He rolled his eyes and smiled. “Mandy, you’re supposed to say something back. ‘I love you, too’ would be nice.”

She smiled, causing his stomach to drop. “I love you, too.”

His heart hammered against his chest. He rubbed her cheek with one hand, then lifted her chin. “Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m scared.”

“Shit, I’m scared, too, but I’m willing to work past that. At some point, we need to have faith instead of fear. Faith in us.”

“I have faith in us now, but what about down the road? We don’t know.”

He took her head in his hands and locked eyes with her. “Baby, you have to trust me. Take the leap and jump.”

“I want to.”

“Then do it.”

“I need more time. I mean, how long until you realize you don’t want to be tied down?”

“I’m sure of my feelings, Mandy.  I know I love you. I think you’re the one who doesn’t know how you feel. You need to figure it out.” He held his palm out.  “I’m not telling you how to feel, I’m just saying as a courtesy to me, you need to be clear. In fact, I’m so clear of my feelings that I’ll even go for the gold.” He bent down on one knee and grabbed her hand. “Amanda. Marry me.”

She gasped and placed her shaking hand over her mouth. “Oh, Jake.”

“Well?” He raised his eyebrows.

She shook her head and forced Jake to stand. “How do you know you love me? Did you only say that because you saw Dominic proposing?”

“Shit, Mandy.” Jake flinched. “I know what I feel. Maybe you don’t.” He closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath. “Do you want to marry me or not?”

“I don’t think you’re ready.”

“Is that a no?”

Amanda stared at him
with glassy eyes and whispered, “I can’t say yes right now.”

His heart shrank and his stomach clenched. He lowered his head, and pulled his hand up to his chin, rubbing firmly. “Fuck.” He stuffed the box back in his pocket and stared at her questioning eyes. “You’re making a mistake.”

Amanda didn’t answer. She only bit her lip and wrung her hands in front of her.

He stared at her one last time, his blue eyes searching her face for answers. When she didn’t say anything, Jake turned to leave.

“Jake, wait!”– she called out behind him.

As much as he wanted to turn around, he didn’t. He couldn’t bear the pain of having his heart broken again. Jake walked out the door and into the dark evening.

THE WORLD AS AMANDA
knew it crashed down around her. Her chest ached and her vision blurred. She curled into the chair and buried her hands in her palms.

She deserved this hurt.

Jake had been the most open she’d ever seen him and she’d run him off. Not sure of what to do next, she drew her legs under her and laid her head against the wall. He was completely right. He’d done everything she asked, and when he asked for her love back, she only messed it up. Her insecurity made her miss the best thing right in front of her. Damn, she’d kill Dominic for revealing her relationship with Jake.

Actually, Jake spoke the truth. Their relationship needed to be open. And she didn’t need time to think, damn it. She needed Jake. All the way. Completely.

She had to find him and explain why she was scared. She had to prove to him that she would take that jump and have faith in them. Her body knew it. Her mind knew it.

Breathing in deep, she heard movement around her and opened her eyes.

“Billy,” Carley called out.

“Shhh, Carley...”  Libby walked to Amanda, pushing her bangs to the side.

“Mama Larson!” Billy stood frantically.

Her mother’s comfort was welcome. “Mandy, my goodness darlin’.  Jake really loves you. I know you’re all about not having anyone tell you what to do, but you gotta go find him.”

Amanda wiped her eyes, nodding her head. “I’ll fix this.”

Carley and Billy came from behind the couch slowly. “Mama, my water just broke.”

“What? Oh my!” Libby pushed away from Amanda. Orders echoed here and there, footsteps ran up and down the stairs, and everyone ran around in circles. Amanda sat motionless in the chaos.

Haley screamed and ran out the door, “My brother’s coming and I might be a flower girl!”

“Where’s the suitcase?”

“Get the car keys.” 

“Turn the oven off!”

Then silence.

In the midst of all the bedlam, her dad bent down to be at her eye-level.  “Are you going to be okay, Mandy?”

She nodded. He smiled and kissed her on the forehead. “We’ll see you at the hospital when you’re ready. Use your mama’s car.” He stood and left with the others.

Through the front window, she looked at Jake’s house and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering from the cold air. It was time to take a real risk for once. She had to step outside the box and veer from her plan – take a risk on them.

She ran out her front door, across her yard and up Jake’s path. Pounding on the door, she waited for Jake to answer.

Caroline opened the door. “He’s not here. We don’t know where he went.”

Amanda looked in the driveway and the rental car was gone. She tilted her chin down and frowned. After a beat, she looked back up at Caroline and gave a weak smile. “Tell him I’m at the hospital. I’ve got to talk to him.”

Caroline squeezed her hand. “Will do, honey.”

Amanda turned on her heel and headed to her mother’s car. She tried to fight the nausea that overtook her body. She should be happy for her sister, after all. A fog of helplessness
overwhelmed her as she drove to the hospital. Somehow, someway, she had to win Jake’s trust again. She loved him. He loved her. Now what?

****

Amanda sat at her sister’s bedside while the baby slept in the bassinet next to them. Amanda couldn’t stop looking at the baby, so soft and snug. His little, pink fingers curled around Carley’s.

“He’s darling.” A tear fell down her cheek.

“Mandy, not again!” Carley handed her a tissue.

Amanda blew her nose and threw the tissue in the trashcan beside the bed. “Everything makes me cry today.”

Carley’s voice softened. “Have you talked to Jake yet?”

“I tried calling, but he didn’t answer. Facing him scares the crap out of me. I totally turned him down.” She banged her head on the railing of the bed several times. “He won’t have me back. I embarrassed him.”

Carley held Amanda’s head still. “You are both so blind. Just listen to each other. Stop being so secretive and live.”

Amanda’s misery was like a steel weight. “What if he’s had enough? What if he doesn’t want a relationship anymore?”

“Of course he does.” The baby fussed and Carley picked him up, snuggled him closer with one hand, and grabbed Amanda’s hand with her other. “You better talk to him sooner rather than later.”

“Well, I might need a new brain to do that.”

The door squeaked open slowly and a dark head with blue eyes peeked around the corner. Amanda took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes. When she opened them, Jake stood at the foot of the bed.

“Hey.” They looked at each other for a moment, before he turned toward Carley. “I came to see the baby, and say goodbye.” He stared at Amanda again.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” Amanda scrambled out of the hospital room. In the hallway, she leaned against the wall. He was leaving? She took a deep breath and tried to give herself a pep talk. She’d have to talk to him. Now.

Panic rushed through her.

The door to her sister’s room opened again and footsteps echoed on the tile. She looked up to find Jake standing in front of her. He placed his hand against the wall behind her, his body close to hers. He was so gorgeous, and he was here.

“So, how was your Christmas night?” he asked.

She’d practiced what she’d say during this moment, but the words escaped her. 

He shook his head. “My Christmas sure didn’t turn out as expected.”

“Mine either.”

Jake pulled his hand off the wall and stroked her cheek. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking ... well, as much as one can do in a day.”

“Me too –”

“Let me finish.” He put his hands in his pockets. “Amanda, I love you.”

Amanda’s heart lifted. She loved him too.

“Believe it or not, I’ve done a lot of soul searching, with Gil’s help, in the last twenty-four hours. I meant it when I asked you to marry me.”

Amanda opened her mouth to speak. Jake placed a finger on her lips. “Please, don’t.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve thought a lot about this. I think you’re the one not ready. I’ve decided to give you your time -- time to figure out what you really want. The time you’re always talking about. You can finish your show -- focus on it -- move up in the workplace. Do what you’ve dreamed. I don’t want to stop you.”

She started to protest, but stopped.  He was giving her everything she asked from the beginning. No strings attached. Nothing to get in the way.

“Finish your work, then think about your priorities, but I won’t wait around forever.” He smoothed her hair, stroked all the way down to her fingertips and grabbed her hand. “I’m leaving in an hour. I changed my flight. Your dad said he would drive you to the airport in a couple of days.”

Amanda sighed heavily.

He glanced down the hall. “Look, I don’t even know what else to say to make things better. I just know it’s hard on me. I don’t know if I can continue this if you don’t feel the same.”

“I do love you Jake. I do.” She shook her head. “I know I haven’t been clear and I’m sorry. When I get through with the show, we can
--”

“Yeah, the show. But, there most likely will be another show. Then what? Do I need to always wait in the wings?” He sighed and let go of her hand.

“You aren’t waiting, Jake.”

“Yeah, I am. I’ve been waiting since we met up again. I’m tired of waiting. I want us to be us
-- now. So, when you’re ready to talk, or move forward, give me a call.”

Amanda caressed his cheek. “Jake.”

He touched her forehead with his own. “Good luck with your show.”  He sighed and pushed away from her.

She watched him walk away again, hoping he’d turn around. He didn’t. 

THE DEEP RED TITLE,
Denalo’s Valentine’s Show, glowed on the backdrop behind the stage. Amanda took a calming breath. Chaos surrounded her.

The backstage manager directed the models, and another worker coached them on their walks on the runway, allowing Amanda time to work the lights and sound one last time and to instruct her crew. The makeup crew spun around the models, adding the last touch and primping up their hair in wicked styles.

She usually loved the rush, but tonight she missed something– or someone.   

This night had arrived faster than Amanda had imagined. She’d worked hard for the last two weeks, days at Macys and long nights at the location. Still, it wasn’t enough to keep her mind busy. Denalo wanted everything to be perfect. So did she, but she just couldn’t get her head into the game.