To Have and to Hold (16 page)

E
verything shattered. “I don't know!” she cried. “You're arrogant, emotionally shut off and far too used to getting your own way. If I had any sense at all, I'd stop loving you this instant.”

Moving so fast she barely saw him, he grabbed her by the upper arms.
“No.”

“You can't control this, Gabe.” She put her hands against his chest and pushed, her breath coming in jagged bursts. “I wish you could. Then everything would be exactly as you want, and I'd be happy right now instead of feeling as if I've been cut into a thousand pieces!”

He wouldn't let her push him away. “If you love me, why are you in Auckland? You could've stayed on Angel. You can come back today and I won't say a word.”

“You know why I'm here!” She fisted her hands against the power of his heartbeat. “Even if I could accept living with a man who sees me as nothing more than a convenience—”

He kissed her. A passionate, hard, almost angry kiss that caught her unaware and swept her under. Thunder boomed in the sky but it was nothing to the fury of the storm raging inside of her.

“I need you.”

She couldn't believe what she thought she'd heard. “Gabe?”

“You're the most inconvenient wife I could imagine.” He cupped her face with work-rough hands. “You argue with me constantly, don't do anything I tell you to do, make me chase after you like a teenager with his first crush and keep sneaking into my thoughts when you're supposed to fade into the background. What the hell's so damn convenient about that?”

Her heart was pounding so violently, she couldn't hear herself think. “I'm not sorry.”

“Of course you're not. That would be too convenient.” He touched his forehead to hers. “Come back to me, Jessie. I don't think I can stand returning alone to that empty house.”

She wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. Jessica Bailey Dumont was through with settling for less than everything. “Why? Why do you want me to come home?”

“You're my wife.”

“Not enough.”

He hugged her close, tucking her head under his chin. “Stubborn, stubborn woman. You know why.”

She was weakening under the weight of emotion in his voice, able to hear the words he couldn't say. But she needed this and if their marriage was going to work, he had to find the tenderness to give her what she needed. She wasn't sure he'd ever go that far. And then he did.

“I love you.”

Her world stopped and when it started again, nothing was the same. Pulling back from his hold, she touched trembling fingers to his jaw. “Why do you make it sound like it's a bad thing?”

He stepped away from her touch. “Why do you have to question everything, Jess? Just accept that I love you and come home with me.”

A drop of rain hit her cheek. “And the baby, Gabe?”

He thrust his hands into his pockets. “I can't give you what you want there.”

The raindrop was joined by another and another, a cool mist in front of her eyes. “Why not?” She stood her ground, somehow knowing that if she gave in today, he'd never again permit her this close.

“Because I don't like children and I don't want one around.” He bit off the words with cold precision.

“Liar,” she whispered, wiping the rain from her face.

He turned from her. For a second, she thought she'd lost him and if she hadn't already been carrying his child, she might have accepted his decree. But she did have a life inside of her, a life that needed her voice to fight for its happiness.

The he turned back.

“They die.” The words were flat, his eyes full of such pain she could barely stand it. “I forgot how easily children die until I saw you holding Cecily. They're small and weak and breakable. And I can't be there to watch over them every second of every day.”

Everything became clear. Gabriel wasn't afraid of hurting his child, he was afraid of loving that child far too much. “But if you can chance loving me, why not our baby? I could be as easily hurt,” she said, though she knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear. “There are no guarantees.”

He thrust a hand through his hair. “Do you know how hard it is for me to accept that I love you? I lost four pieces of my heart in that fire.
I don't have much left
.”

Her tears hid themselves in the cool water flowing from the heavens. She began to reach for him but he spun in the other direction, going to his knees in the grass.

Heart breaking, she ran to him.

“I was their hero,” he said as she knelt down in front of him. “I was meant to save them.”

“Gabe—”

“You're strong, Jess, so damn strong. I can trust that you'll take care of yourself. But a child?”

“It terrifies me, too, this fear that something will happen to our baby,” she admitted. “But I don't have a choice.” Taking his hand, she forced it to her stomach. “And neither do you. This child will call you daddy, will look up to you and yes, will consider you a hero, because that's the kind of man you are. It's nothing you can stop.”

He gave a violent shake of his head, wrenching away his hand. “No.”

Just as frustration and panic threatened to smother her, she saw light at the end of the tunnel. “Gabe,” she put her hands on his shoulders, “do you really think you'll be able to send your child, your very young child, to a boarding school, trusting that precious life to strangers? Will that let you sleep any more easily at night than having your son or daughter down the hall?”

His face paled. “Christ.”

“You will love our baby,” she began, intending to say that it was something neither of them could change.

“No.” His shoulders tensed. “You're right about sending our kid away. I sure as hell won't be considering that anymore. But that's as far as I can go. Loving this kid is going to be your responsibility.”

Jess decided to go with her heart. “All right, Gabe. All right.” For the first time, she had the startling realization that she knew her husband far better than he knew himself.

The man had the gift of loving, loving so deeply and well it had almost destroyed him when he'd lost those he loved the most. And yet he'd admitted to loving her. His courage humbled her. That same stubborn courage would give him the strength to take their child into his heart. She had no doubts that the second he saw his baby, he'd realize that not loving that child wasn't a choice he could make.

“Jess.” Cupping her face in his hands once more, Gabe kissed the rain off her lips. “If you ever leave me again, I'm not going to act so reasonably.”

She laughed. “You call this reasonable?” She spread her arms to catch the rain but it was a hidden ray of sunlight that caressed her face.

“Damn reasonable.” Getting up, he pulled her to her feet. “Come on, you need to get dry. We can't risk you catching a cold.” And though he didn't mention why it was so important for her to stay healthy, she saw his gaze flick to her stomach.

Curling her hand into his, she smiled. Poor Gabriel, so used to getting his way. Little did he know that his most inconvenient wife was about to make his life even more unpredictable.

* * *

Jess had been wrong. Gabe didn't fall in love with their child at first glance. He fell in love with Raphael Michael Dumont somewhere between her eighth month and labor. Smiling at the memory of the horrified look on his face as he'd held their baby in the hospital and realized he was done for, Jess cut the peanut butter sandwich in half before handing it to the little boy jumping up and down by her side. “Here you go, honey.”

“And Dad's?”

Prepared for the question that accompanied his every food request, she gave him the second half. Gabe had become used to being fed at odd times of the day and with food only a three-year-old would consider a delicacy. “He's in the study.”

“I know.” He ran off in that direction.

Picking up the tray holding her and Gabe's afternoon coffee and Rafe's hot chocolate, she followed at a slower pace. When she entered the study, it was to find her son standing beside the sofa where Gabriel sat. Rafe was laughing at something his father had said, but there was no laughter in her husband's eyes. In its place was a deep vulnerability that tore her up. It was gone a second later but she knew it remained inside of him. It always would, and whether he acknowledged it or not, it made him a better man and a wonderful father.

Biting into the sandwich he'd been handed, he ruffled his son's auburn curls. Rafe jumped up to sit beside him. Gabe rarely verbalized his love for his son, but Rafe didn't need the words. He had the solid confidence of a boy who knew he was loved absolutely and unconditionally.

Jess put the tray on the coffee table and sat down on Gabe's other side. “Are we disturbing you?”

“Every damn day. Can't get any work done.”

Grinning, she wrapped an arm around his waist as he placed one of his over her shoulders. “Good. You'd get too stiff and grouchy if we let you alone.”

His arm tightened. And she heard what he was saying. Like her son, she knew she was loved, loved so much that she was Gabriel's greatest weakness. “I think it's time,” she said, having waited till after Rafe finished his snack and ran off to find a toy.

“He's too young.”

“When did you learn to ride?”

He was silent for several minutes. “I'll teach him myself.”

She'd expected nothing less. “We should use Maisy. She's gentle.”

“The Tanners have a pony they're thinking of selling. Quiet, good-natured.”

“Sounds perfect.” She leaned against his strength, safe in the knowledge that the sole thing she had to worry about with Gabe and their son, was over-protectiveness.

“What did Richard say about your newest pieces?”

She grinned at the memory of her last conversation with the gallery owner. “He thinks you're my best piece, wants to know if he can borrow you as his date occasionally.”

“I'll pretend I didn't hear that.” Gabe scowled. “What about the paintings?”

“He said that aside from having an impeccable eye for hot men,” she couldn't help teasing, “I'm also an artistic genius.”

Gabe pulled her into his lap. “That explains why you married me.” He caught her laughter with his mouth.

And she melted. The years since their wedding had only intensified the sensual heat between them. “How can you always do this to me?”

A hint of familiar arrogance lit his eyes—Gabe might have decided to allow his family into his heart, but he was hardly tame. “I'm your husband. It's my job.” A slow smile spread across that gorgeously masculine face.

She traced the edges of his lips. “In that case, I think you deserve a raise.”

“Dad!” Rafe ran back into the study holding a toy.

“It's not working.” Unsaid was that he expected his father to fix it. That's what heroes did.

And Gabriel Dumont had always had the heart of a hero.

* * * * *

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And if you liked
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
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Available October 2015 from Harlequin Desire