To Professor, With Love (20 page)

I shrugged. What else should I call them? I wore them to gain the position I wanted on that campus.

“I know that’s not what you usually wear,” Noel went on. “At the bar in that sexy, black backless thing and to the carnival in those adorable jean shorts. I have a feeling you only wear your
power suits
to the university.”

I smiled with pride and kissed his cheek. “And you would be right.”

“Hell, I know I’m right. But why? Why do you do it? You know how...unflattering they look, right?”

With a roll of my eyes, I laughed. “Yes. That’s the point. I would rather be overlooked and misjudged with low expectations than to come in my first semester with a bunch of flash to intimidate people and make them think I want to roll right over them. Besides, I want them to know I care about my job, not fashion.”

“You have funny reasoning, Professor, but I’m still glad you don’t let everyone else see these curves.” He flung the bunny over his shoulder so he could use his fingers to stroke a knot on my hip. Pausing at it, he furrowed his brow. “What’s this?”

Ice formed in my veins. As he leaned down to examine the old knife scar and then kiss it, I jerked away. “Don’t.” The panic in my voice had him looking up and studying me, reading every uncomfortable, memory-laden expression on my face.

“Aspen,” he said softly, his sharp eyes seeing more than I wanted him to. “Was that a trigger?”

“Tr...?” I blinked. Why would he use that word? My therapist had always used that word. Shaking my head, I tried to laugh off the concern in his gaze. “I don’t know what you mean?”

“I mean...” He drew in a deep breath and then exhaled. Setting his fingers against the scar, he asked, “Did you get this from your rape?”

I blacked out. Seriously, for a split second, I saw nothing but absolute black. But I remained completely, horrifyingly conscious.

“Aspen?” Warm fingers cupped my shoulders. Blinking the black away, I watched a fuzzy image of Noel’s concerned face slowly fill my view. “Do you remember telling me about that?” he asked.

“No,” I whispered in horror. “I didn’t...” Oh, God, I hadn’t, had I? Why would I tell him about
that
? Opening my mouth to speak, I shook my head, completely aghast. “W...why would I tell you about that?”

“You were drunk. We talked about a lot that night.”

“But...” I pressed my hand to my chest. That wasn’t something I ever wanted him to know...wanted
anyone
to know. “What exactly did I tell you?”

“Not much. You were fourteen. He was a football player. Your parents refused to do anything about it.”

I brushed my hair out of my face, surprised how cold my fingers were. “But...”

“I’m glad I know.” He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. “I’m glad I understand why you were so judgmental of me at first. And I’m relieved to see just how strong you are. You survived this and overcame it. I don’t...shit. I don’t know how much you think about it when we’re together, but the fact that you can still find pleasure with me is...” He shook his head. Eyes gleaming with emotion, he smiled. “You just impress the hell out of me, that’s all.”

I curled into him and ducked my face into the hollow between his neck and shoulder. “I don’t think about it,
him
, not when we’re together, except maybe to marvel over how good it can actually be compared to...” I shivered, remembering just how bad it could get.

“I’m glad.” Noel kissed my cheek. “But if I ever do hit a trigger, or do
anything
that reminds you...you’ll tell me, right?”

I nodded, and strangely enough I wasn’t lying. How we’d moved so effortlessly from teacher and student who completely despised each other to personal confidants, I have no idea. But I’d be forever grateful for it. Not only had I just gained a lover, but it also felt as if I’d made a friend. So, I confided in my friend.

“It was my senior year.” Resting my cheek on his heartbeat, I ran my fingers idly up his chest, marveling over how hard and smooth he was. “I was a couple months shy of fifteen. Zach was a senior too.”

“Zach.” Noel snarled the word as if he wanted to commit the name of his next victim to memory.

I smiled softly and nodded, loving the protective sound in his voice. “He was eighteen, like most normal high school seniors, and was the ‘it’ boy. Back then, I wasn’t very good at concealing my emotions. Everyone knew I had a raging crush on him. The first time he smiled at me and said
hi
, I think I literally sighed aloud. When he asked me on a date, I was just...over the moon.”

Noel’s arms tightened around me, but he didn’t interrupt as he combed his fingers gently through my hair.

“I had no idea there was a bet going around over who could take the freak girl’s virginity.”

Cursing fluidly, Noel tucked his face next to mine and pressed our cheeks together. He hissed out a breath as if he needed to release some of the anger building pressure inside him.

“He was a complete gentleman most of the night. We watched a movie; he paid and bought me popcorn and a drink. I was pretty much in love by the time the ending credits rolled. I think he had paid more attention to me during that one action flick than my parents had paid me in my entire life. He let me pick the film and put the popcorn in my lap so I’d always have access to it. He even got me a soda refill half way through the movie. After that, I would’ve run away from home and joined a band of traveling gypsies just to be with him. Whatever he wanted. So when he asked if I’d like to go to the local make-out spot before he took me home, I was all on board. But I’d never even had my first kiss up until that point. I kind of thought he’d be okay with working our way through the bases, one step at a time, you know.”

Noel nodded and kissed my temple. “Of course,” he agreed with me, his voice soft and tender. “That’s how it’s usually done.”

“The kissing was okay,” I went on, wondering why I didn’t feel awkward talking about kissing another guy while I was lying in my current lover’s arms. But spilling everything to Noel just seemed...natural. “I’m not sure I would’ve dove straight into French kissing right off the bat if I’d had the choice, but I wanted to make him happy, so I tried to catch up. It was when he went up my shirt that I started to get uncomfortable. I just...”

“You weren’t ready yet,” Noel finished for me.

“Right. I wasn’t ready. Except when I tried to slow him down...” I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed.

Burying his nose into my hair, Noel murmured, “You don’t have to talk about the rest.”

But I wanted him to know. “He completely changed,” I plowed forward. “If he’d continued to be nice, if he’d just tried to sweet talk me a little more, I probably would’ve given in willingly. But at the first sign of my hesitance, he turned brutal. He grabbed my face hard with one hand, called me a frigid little freak, and pulled a knife out of his pocket.”

“Shit.” The arms banded around me constricted even tighter.

“I think threatening me with a blade turned him on more because I went stiff and compliant after that, but he just kept sliding it over my skin as he cut off my clothes. He had it against me when he first, you know, forced himself in. That’s when I jumped, and he nicked me—”

“Okay, no more.
Jesus
.” Noel breathed heavily against my hair as he held me hard against him before he rasped, “I’m sorry, I just can’t...I guess I didn’t realize hearing about you go through something like that would this...” He shook his head.

I’m probably sick and twisted, but I loved knowing how difficult it was for him to hear this. But it meant he cared. Noel Gamble cared about what had happened to me. Not even my parents had cared that much.

“It’s okay.” I twisted in his arms so we were lying belly to belly. Needing to comfort him, I touched his cheek. When he met my gaze, his blue eyes swirled with torment.

“How the fuck did you survive through that?”

“It’s been a long time,” I said. “Directly afterward, I drew so hard into my shell, I didn’t even care when Zach bragged to the entire school about winning the bet. I didn’t care about much of anything. But time and therapy helps more than you’d realize.”

Noel nodded. “I still don’t understand why the hell your parents wouldn’t do anything about it?”

I shrugged. “Zach’s father was one of my parents’ colleagues at the university where they taught.”

“Fuckers.” Snorting, Noel just shook his head. “Please tell me Zach ended up dying a slow and painful death.”

“No. He became a corporate lawyer, and is doing very well, so I hear.”

“The prick. He probably brags to this very day about how he popped the freak girl’s cherry too.”

I had to smile over the acid in his tone. I loved how upset he was on my behalf. “Probably.” Leaning in, I brushed my nose alongside his. “I wish I had grown up in your hometown. And you’d been the star football player I had a crush on.”

His lips caught the corner of my mouth. “I do too. I mean, other than the fact, I would’ve been a sixth grader when you were a senior and I wasn’t a star anything at that point. I was still short and scrawny and getting my ass kicked every other day.”

“I still would’ve preferred you over him, any day.” Leaning in, I kissed him briefly on the nose.

“Then I guess it’s a good thing you have me. I’m all yours, Aspen Kavanagh. And if Corporate Lawyer Zach ever comes near you again, I’ll kill him. I will literally snap his neck.”

Grinning, I kissed his lips this time. It was on the tip of my tongue to say, “I love you,” in a soft dreamy sigh. But then I realized what I was about to blurt out. Swallowing down the words, I hooked my arms around his neck and rolled us until he was on top of me, pinning me to the bed. “Make love to me,” I demanded instead.

His grin was cocky and pleased. “Yes, ma’am,” he answered as his mouth descended toward mine.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”- Benjamin Franklin

~NOEL~

And so I started an illicit affair with my literature professor. Except it didn’t feel illicit. In my book, it wasn’t dirty, or wrong, or in any way shameful. It was the purest relationship I’d ever had with anyone.

I hated that we had to keep it secret, but I had to admit, I loved hoarding her all to myself. She showed me the parts of her no one else got to see. She opened up and talked, and in return, I talked too.

Our nights together were always short and never lasted long enough. I usually had to wait until late, after work, until I could go see her. Then I woke at the butt crack of dawn for training. I hated leaving her bed while she was still warm and sleeping, all curled up and beautiful under the covers. I just wanted to crawl back in with her and stay there the entire day.

But what I despised most was spotting her on campus. It was more difficult than I could’ve ever imagined to walk by the woman I’d just spent the night with and couldn’t wait to spend the night with again without even acknowledging her. I also loathed hearing people bash her because she graded so strictly. I couldn’t defend her. I couldn’t kick their ass. Everyone still assumed I didn’t like her.

And I really despised not being able to tell other girls who hit on me that I was no longer available. It was strange. I’d never even considered being a one-woman kind of guy. But now that I was, I didn’t miss the other way. I was so obsessed with Aspen I didn’t even want anyone else.

So when Tianna started flirting with me one day in the quad just as Aspen walked past in her frumpy power suit and black briefcase, my body instantly ignited. I couldn’t help but glance over T’s shoulder to watch my woman pass. But when she briefly glanced back, I could see she was pissed to see the groupie hanging around me.

I was able to ward Tianna off without too much drama; I tried to convince her she needed to give my boy Quinn some attention, maybe pop the poor kid’s cherry. But just to make sure Aspen still knew I was thinking about her, and no one else, I made a risky move and dropped another quote on her briefcase when I passed her desk later that morning as I entered class. Something I knew would make her mood lighter.

“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” - Sheng Wang

My plan worked; she couldn’t stop smiling as she started class. But I still hated how we had to hide so much. When she called me that evening, I was sure she was going to mention Tianna, but she merely said my name and sniffed, letting me know she was crying.

Heart instantly leaping into my throat, I pushed up from the couch where I’d been writing my latest literature essay for my hard-ass, totally hot English professor. “Aspen? What’s wrong?”

“My...are you...I just really need to see you right now. Can I come up?”

“Come up?”
Wait, what
? “You’re here? Outside? Right now?”

“Yes, I...it’s a bad time, isn’t it? I’ll leave.”

“No! Don’t go. My roommate just left. Come up. Your timing’s perfect.” I rushed to the door without bothering to end the call. She’d never come to my place before, so whatever was bugging her must be big. As soon as I popped my head into the hall, I saw her exit the stairwell. Her face was white, eyes swollen and red, and her hair was a scattered mess.

“Baby? What’s wrong?” I yanked her into my arms, kissing her unkempt locks. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

When she burrowed into me and buried her face into my chest, my heart twisted painfully. I hated seeing her this way.

“It’s my dad,” she finally croaked.

I squeezed my eyes closed. She’d told me all about his diabetes and pneumonia. Sounded like the guy was going to bite the big one any day. “Is he—”

“They’re going to amputate his leg. But his circulation’s so bad they’re not certain if that will even help.”

“Jesus. I’m sorry.” Kicking the door shut, I carried her into the apartment and sat on the couch where she coiled into my lap.

“And the worst part is my mother didn’t even call to tell me. It was their housekeeper, Rita. She...she thought I should know. And now I can’t go see him because then they’ll know Rita’s feeding me information, and I don’t want to get her into trouble because she’s always been so nice to me, but why...
why
wouldn’t my own mother tell me about this? How could she possibly think I didn’t deserve to know?”

Probably because she was a cold, selfish bitch who never considered her daughter’s feelings, I wanted to say, but held my tongue. “I don’t know.” I rubbed her back and kept holding her, trying to show her the best support I could.

“I don’t think they’ll ever tell me they love me,” she whispered. It broke my heart. My mom had never said the words either, but I’d always had Caroline, and Colton, and Brandt. And strangely, I was glad I’d ended up with the parent I’d had. At least I’d had freedom to do whatever I’d wanted. I’d never been controlled and brainwashed the way Aspen had. I’d never felt alone or repressed while I was being neglected. Not the way she had.

Loathing her parents with a burning passion, I laced our fingers together, palm to palm, and pressed my forehead to hers. “Not saying it to you is
their
loss.”

She studied me, her lashes still wet from the tears she’d cried and her nose red. But she still looked beautiful enough to take my breath. Anyone had to be stupid not to tell her how they felt about her.

I opened my mouth to tell her...shit, I don’t know. She’d completely altered my world in the past few weeks, and I wanted her to know how amazing she was. I wanted her to know what she did to me. It reminded me of the next quote I wanted to slip to her.

"When we find someone who is brave, fun, intelligent, and loving, we have to thank the universe." -Maya Angelou

But Aspen set her fingers over my lips to keep me quiet. Then she smiled softly and leaned in, dropping her hand from my mouth so she could kiss me. I groaned against her lips and slid my palms into her hair. Her bottom shifted until her warmth covered my erection. Then she ground down on me, and hell, I had to bump back up into her. My fingers found their way under her shirt and to the back of her bra where I opened the clasp.

Just as I began to swoop my way around to the front, the door to my apartment rattled before swinging open.

Aspen yelped out a scream and dove against me, hiding her face in my chest, and I scrambled to sit up, pulling my hands out of her shirt.

Ten stepped inside. “Man, I forgot my fucking wall—” He jerked to a stop. “Shit. Sorry. My bad.”

He stuck his hands in the air and began to back out of the apartment, but Aspen lifted her face and glanced at him. Slamming to a halt, he stared at her hard.

“Get out!” I yelled, and grabbed a couch cushion to throw at him. But it bounced off his head unnoticed.

Tipping his face to the side, he studied her from a different angle. “Why do you look like...?” Then it hit him who she was. His eyes bugged. “Holy shit.”

“Out,” I ordered, scooting her off my lap so I could jump to my feet and block his view of her as well as charge toward him.

The fucker still didn’t move. “Jesus Christ, man. She’s—”

I pushed him into the hallway and shut the door.

And that’s when he lost it. “You’re banging the teacher. Oh, my fucking God, you’re banging the fucking teacher. Holy shit, Gam, this is so...
boss
. You are the man. The
man
!”

Slapping my hand over his mouth, I gritted my teeth and cast him a warning glare before glancing worriedly toward the closed door. “Shut. Up,” I hissed, threatening him with my eyes.

He pushed my hand away. “
Shut up
?” he hissed right back. “Are you kidding me? My roommate’s officially badass. You’re doing her for the grade, aren’t you? So you can keep your scholarship? Damn, you’re brilliant. I mean, I knew you could charm the ladies, but to get hard-ass
Kavanagh
to drop her panties is...epic. Wait till the guys hear—”

“No!” I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him close. “No one can know, Ten. Jesus, if you tell anyone...fuck. There’s nothing to tell, okay? You didn’t see anything. Nothing is going on. This is a...non-issue. Got it?”

“The hell with that. You’re banging the fucking teacher. You’re going down in history as—”

“Did you not hear Coach after the volleyball scandal? If we’re caught with any faculty member on campus, we’re off the team. I’ll lose my scholarship. She’ll lose her job. Everything will go to hell. Tenning, please. You. Didn’t. See. Anything.”

I begged him with my expression, and he finally growled out a sound. “Damn it. You know how to suck the fun out of everything.”

He stormed past me and ripped open the door to the apartment before I could stop him. “I’d say hi,” he told Aspen as he entered. “But apparently I don’t see anything.”

She was pacing the floor in front of the couch, her face pale and arms crossed tightly over her chest with her hands tucked into the sleeves of her shirt as if she was cold. Without speaking to him, she watched him march to the hall and disappear into his room. He returned seconds later, waving his wallet and looking at neither Aspen nor I, before he moodily slammed out of the apartment again.

I blew out a breath and sagged against the wall, rubbing my hands over my face. “You’re freaking out, aren’t you?”

“I should go.” She hurried toward the exit, her face down. But I grasped her shoulder and pulled her close so I could press my mouth to her cheek. She remained stiff in my arms.

“I can trust him,” I whispered.

She lifted her chin, her eyes wet and scared. “I’m glad
you
can.”

“He won’t say anything. I promise you.” I’d kill him if he did, and I was sure he knew that.

She just shook her head. “I shouldn’t have come here tonight. I was...what was I
thinking
?”

“I’m glad you did.” I kissed her cheek this time. “I’m your boyfriend, Aspen. I want to be there for you when you go through rough shit.”

“My
boyfriend
?” she choked out and incredulous sound. “How can you be my boyfriend when I can’t tell a single soul about you?”

Growling through clenched teeth, I scowled at her. “I’m your boyfriend because I’m your boyfriend. We don’t need any more explanation than that. It just is. I’m the one who’s there when you’re happy, and when you’re sad, and when you come apart in my arms. This...” I slammed her body against mine so she could feel what she did to me, “makes me your boyfriend.”

A tear trailed down her cheek. Lifting her fingers, she gently touched my lips. “I wish I had your confidence.”

I kissed her fingertips and brushed the tear away. “You don’t need it. I have enough for the both of us.” And with that, I had her talked off the ledge. She stopped resisting me and leaned in to me when I kissed her. When I led her back to my bedroom, she smiled and tugged my shirt off.

It wasn’t until after she was asleep later that night and curled around me in my bed that my own doubts rose. With Ten knowing, our risk had just doubled. It was selfish of me to keep her, to keep doing this, because it could so easily end up hurting her
and
my family. But then I realized I still didn’t care enough about the
what ifs
because my determination to remain hers had also doubled. Aspen had gotten so deep in my blood I was more than willing to take any chance I had to just to be with her another day longer.