To See You Again (21 page)

Rachel

I'm
standing in front of Collin's townhome with a bag of clothing belonging to both
Leighton and him in my hand. My finger hovers over the doorbell, shaking, as I
resist doing anything other than holding it in the air. Then I graze the button
lightly with the tip of my index finger. It's too soft of a touch to engage the
bell, but the mere contact between Collin's home and me is enough to make me
withdraw my hand entirely, like I'd suffered a burn in a hot oven. I exhale, thinking
better of this whole excursion, and start heading down the stairs at a near run.
I'll just mail this crap. It's cowardly, but oh, well.
Before I hit the
sidewalk, though, the door opens and a familiar sing-songy voice rings out.

"Can I
help you?"

I whirl
around and look up sheepishly to a young woman standing in the doorway. She's
wearing a tank top and form-fitted sweats that undoubtedly have writing across
the butt. Her hair is drawn up in a half bun on the top of her head. It's the
kind of style that's supposed to look haphazard and casual, but in all
likelihood, required time to perfect. She doesn't need to say another word, and
I definitely don't need to look at her for a second more. I would know that
voice anywhere. Reba.

"Is that
you, Raven?" Her voice is a mix of incredulity and amusement.

"Reba?"
I reply. It comes out like a question, but in my mind it's a confirmation.

"No
shit! What are you doing here? I was all, ‘
Who the hell is the weirdo
creeping by the front door?'
—And it's Raven! This is amazing!"

Great.
That's a good one for her to tell her brother—
I'm Raven, the weirdo
. I
study her face for a moment and then lift up the wrinkled Target bag I'm still
clutching in my hand. "It's a long story, but I'm…um…returning this to his
girlfriend." Reba has descended the stairs and is guiding me by my free hand
into Collin's house. I follow her, lamely, like I have lost my sight and am
dependent on her for guidance. I shuffle along a step behind her, unable to say
any more. I guess I'm a mute now, too.

"Oh my,
gosh! Get in here!" she exclaims, as she shuts the door behind us and I stand
dumbly in the foyer. I'm pretty sure it's official now. This is the definitely
the twilight zone.

"Reba, I
would love to catch up, but I was on my way to work and I don't really have a
lot of time so—" I tilt my head toward the door.

She
interrupts me, still grasping my hand, and now dragging me up the stairs and
into Collin's kitchen. "Oh please, Raven, you've got a minute at least, I'm
sure. Do you usually work on Saturdays?" That's Reba, intrusive as ever.

"It's
actually Rachel, now." I look down at my watch and huff out a not-so-subtle
sigh. "I work for a few hours most Saturdays, but so does, like, half the
office…it's…um, not just me." Looking back up, Reba is staring at me and
smiling a ridiculously huge smile that makes her look almost muppet-like. I
can't help but crack a little. Once she sees my smile, she snatches the Target
bag from me in such a child-like manner that I nearly bust out laughing. Some
things haven't changed, I guess.

"What on
earth did you borrow from
Leighton
?" She asks, dumping out the once
neatly folded pile of clothes, onto Collin's kitchen island.

"It's a long
story. There was a blackout where I live and so we stayed here. She lent me
some work clothes for the next day. Oh, and there's a shirt there that's Collin's,
too. I had it dry cleaned," I mumble. I don't really think she's listening as
she holds up the blouse Leighton lent me.

Reba
doesn't mask her surprise. "I'm shocked the little elf had anything that fit
you!"

"Um…" I
am
not
responding to that.

"No, no,
no…I'm not saying you're big. Far from it! She's like creepy miniature. In
fact, Raven, er Rachel I mean, you look amazing! You don't look like you've aged
a day since I last saw you!" she exclaims.

That's a
nice sentiment, but I'm not really accustomed to taking compliments from Reba,
so I don't reply beyond a brief half smile.

"So,
what did Collin say when you guys got together? That little shit hasn't even
told me that he finally looked you up!" she exclaims, and I feel like my ears
are ringing. God, was she always this loud? "I've only told him for like half a
decade to just google you already!" She examines my worried expression and
adds, "Don't worry, Collin is visiting his mom today and Leighton isn't around."
She cups a hand to her mouth likes she's going to whisper, but she's still loud
as hell. "We're safe for girl talk." She giggles, and I join in, nervously.
"So, back to your reunion," she urges.

"Oh, um,
yeah OK. Um…he didn't call actually, we were both at a charity event and ran
into each other." It sounds so completely random when I say it out loud.

"No
way!" she gasps and covers her mouth dramatically. "So it was, like, fate?"

I shrug.
"I guess you could say that."

"Wow! So
was Leighton like crazy jealous of you, or what?" She leans over the island
expectantly.

"Leighton?"
I feel my face go hot. How in the hell am I having this conversation with
Collin's stepsister? This is beyond bizarre. "She was really sweet, actually. I
guess I should clarify. My
boyfriend
, Beckett, was there, too—for the
charity event and the black out." I instinctively begin backing away from her.
Even now, as a full-fledged adult, Reba intimidates the hell out of me.

"Boyfriend,
huh? Not husband?" She raises her eyebrows and gives me a devious smile.

Where is
she going with this? "Reba, it's been really nice to see you again, but I have
to go. I'm swamped at work." I do my best to sound firm as I start to head
toward the door and she comes running up behind me.

"Wait.
Wait, I'm sorry. Listen, please don't go yet. I guess I'm forgetting the last
time you saw me was back when I was still pretty stuck up. I'm sorry about all
that. I was kind of screwed up back then. I never really meant any of it."
She's holding my arm and looking at me earnestly. "You don't have to say
anything. I know I was a total bitch to you. As weird as this is to say,
though, I always really liked you." She cocks her head to one side and we stare
at each other for a beat.

Following
our awkward silence, I bust out laughing. "Well, I have to admit, if that was
the case, you had a funny way of showing it."

She
gives me a relieved smile. "Things were pretty messed up at that time and I was
always defensive around Collin. He was the only person in my life that gave a
shit about me, and I used to freak if I thought someone was going to take him
away." A deep revelation about her teenage psyche is pretty much dead last on
the things I expected this morning, but so was seeing Reba at all. Gone is the
childlike look in her face. She's serious and solemn. I set my purse down,
because this is clearly gonna take a while.

"I guess
I didn't realize you two were so close?" I rack my brain for alternative
stories, but all I really recall are tales featuring her as the family brat,
and that was definitely my experience with her.

"Well,
my stepmother didn't really like me, she just pretended to for my dad. It's
only a little better with her now…" She trails off for a moment.  "And Dad,
well, you met him plenty of times, so I don't really need to explain, right?" I
nod my head slightly. I guess I always thought it was just Collin was Victor's
main focus for torment. "My brother James was always checked out in one way or
another after Mom died." She glances away for a minute and then resumes looking
at me. "He lives in Wyoming now. We don't hear from him much." She shrugs in
that way that people do when they want to appear indifferent, but couldn't be
more opposite in reality.

"I'm
sorry," I say, having no idea how else to respond. In the past, Reba and I had
very few direct conversations about anything, though we were often together
when I spent time with Collin in the summer or on breaks from school. The
intimacy of the topic, and her openness, have me feeling very off kilter.

"It's OK,
really. So anyway, when something was wrong, or I was upset, I always went to
Collin. He's a great listener and he would look out for me. There was this one
time when this guy I was dating wasn't too keen on a taking no for an answer, and
I swear Collin made him piss his pants!" We both laugh—she at the memory, and
me at the mental imagery.  "I know I annoyed the shit out of him, but he was
the one person in my life…well, after my mother died, that I could always count
on to be there for me."

"That
sounds like Collin." I feel my eyes inexplicably fill with tears. Of course he
would be a hero to Reba and never utter a single word about it to anyone.

"Are you
sure you can't stay just for one cup of coffee?" She raises a single finger to
her face and grins at me. I'm pretty sure I would be the world's biggest bitch
to say ‘no' after all the sharing time we just had…Well, she shared. I just
stared in dumbfounded silence.

"I've
got some time. Coffee sounds great, Reba." She gives me a full wattage smile
and I follow her to the kitchen.

Two cups
of coffee later, seated on Collin's couch, Reba is telling me about his depression.
I'm both riveted and horrified to hear just how terrible things were for him.

"He
just was, like, immobile. He wasn't crying or anything it was like…like he was
really far away. He wasn't working, or showering, or eating anything that
wasn't like, total crap." She looks beyond me as she talks as though she's
visualizing it all over again. "He was like a mute. Way beyond normal, quiet
Collin. Like practically catatonic."

"Did
you get him to the hospital?" I ask, having no clue what the protocol should be
in a situation like the one she's describing.

"No."
She shakes her head. "Believe me, I wanted to."

"What
about his mom?"

"She
completely freaked, and I don't mean like, trying to do something about it
freaked, like the opposite of that. She acted like I was making it up and then
she and my dad went on some overseas trip. The vacation had been planned for a
while, but
still
if your kid wasn't leaving the house or taking care of
himself, and was barely speaking… Wouldn't you, like, want to do something to
help?" She sounds completely pissed, even years later, and I can't say I blame
her.

I reach
over and put my hand on her arm. "I'm so thankful he had you." I'm
thankful
and floored. Completely floored.

"Well, I
wanted to be there for him, but honestly? I didn't know what to do, and I was
terrified. You know how his dad died, right?" She whispers. I nod my head and
feel a wave of chills. It makes me sick to think he was suffering like this and
I wasn't there for him.

"So,
what happened? How did he get better?" I need to hear the part where he got
better.

"Well, I
had this friend from high school whose dad was a psychiatrist and we got him to
make a house call. He wasn't thrilled about it, but we
begged
him. It
was so crazy, but what else could we do? Collin was pissed!" She smiles. "I
didn't give a shit, though. He refused to go to the hospital; so the deal was,
he had to take the meds. The doctor told me if he said or did anything suicidal,
I was supposed to call 911. I was scared to leave him alone, so I moved into
his apartment with him. I got the place clean and made him healthy meals. I'm
not a cook like him, but I do OK. After a while he agreed to go talk to someone.
Then one day, I was doing his laundry and he took the basket from me and told me
what a pain in the ass I was." She grins, full Reba-wattage, again.

"Um, for
what, saving his life, doing his laundry?" I feel outraged on her behalf.

She
laughs and pats my leg. "It was his way of saying thank you. I moved out a couple
of months later and we haven't really spoken about that time since."

"I can
imagine Collin wouldn't want anyone to talk about it." Not that I can really
imagine
any of this.

"So, that
was about eight years ago. He
will
tell you that it's still hard for
him, really hard at times, but he's never gotten bad like that again. Thank
God!"

"Thank
God is right," I echo.

"I would
never wish that on Collin again, but in this weird way I'm really thankful it
happened, because it made us really close."

"I can
see that." I'm in complete awe of Reba. She handled an incredibly tough situation
in a truly adult manner, at a time when she was barely an adult herself. I was
so focused on Collin, years ago, that I never considered the pain of her loss,
too. She's a survivor, just like him.

"He used
to talk about you, you know." I shake my head.
What?
"A lot. Well, a lot
for Collin. He really missed you."

"I
missed him, too." My voice is unexpectedly shaky and she notices.

"So,
what the hell happened? He would never tell me. He just said you two weren't friends
anymore, and I could never pry the story out of him. One time, I suggested
trying to contact you or find you, or whatever, and he was all, ‘Do not!' She
points her finger at me, adding to her impression of Collin. I want to laugh,
but I'm so freaked out I can barely move the muscles in my face beyond the
shocked expression I've worn for the last twenty minutes. "So, I knew whatever
happened between you guys must've been big, but I really wished you'd been
around when all that shit was happening. You were the only person he'd ever
talk to about anything. So, seriously, what the hell happened?"