Too Much to Lose (20 page)

The hand in my hair tugs,
bunching it in his fist. It’s not painful, it electrifies me, sending all my
nerve endings tingling. I’m aware of every part of me, yet it’s all a blur. The
cold press of the wall, the sound of people banging doors and chattering in the
stairwell below us, all fades. Heavy breaths, rasping fabric and heated touches
dominate my world now.

Hunter’s fingers slip under the
hem of my top at the same time as he thrusts his tongue in my mouth again,
kissing me greedily. It’s strange to witness him so out of control, yet
insanely exciting. I’m the one making him like this. It’s a heady sensation, so
much power. When have I ever held power over a man? My life started out
dictated by men’s needs and I’ve lived forever in fear of that. But Hunter
doesn’t make me feel like that. He makes me feel wanted and treasured. Lusted
after but appreciated.

“Jessie,” he groans against my
mouth. “Jessie,” he repeats, “we can’t do this here.”

Suddenly the coldness of the
wall on my back registers and sends a chill through me. I tear my mouth away,
unhook my leg and shove at his chest. It doesn’t do much good. His hand remains
in my hair, holding me in place.

“Shit.” I try to push once more
but he refuses to move. “Hunter, let me go,” I plead.

What was I thinking? Well, I
wasn’t. Hunter does that to me. If I’d been thinking at all, I wouldn’t have
even let him into my world. Now I’ve got to rip up my life and move on again. I
shouldn’t be kissing him. I should be leaving him way behind along with my
sordid past.

Prickly heat fills my skin
again as the humiliation of long buried memories taunt me. My ex finding out.
Our friends jeering and looking at me as if I was diseased. Questioning if I
really
was
diseased. I lost all my friends when the truth came out because
who wants to be friends with a porn star? Who wants to know someone you can
Google and watch being fucked by strange men?

Who wants to date one?

No one. That’s who.

“Fucking let me go.”

“Don’t run from me, princess. We
need to talk about this.”

I snort. “Is that what we were
doing? Talking?”

He drops the hand in my hair
and moves to frame me with his arms. I duck out from underneath him before he
can and debate running once more but he’s still in the way. I dart a glance up
the stairs and wonder if I can make it to my apartment without him catching up
with me.

I eye those long, strong legs.
Unlikely.

“Just leave me alone.”

His gaze rakes me and I see his
arousal pressing against his jeans. It means nothing though. Just because he
wants to fuck me, it doesn’t mean anything and I
do not
need to be
getting excited about it.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Now
he crosses his arms over his chest, emphasizing the width of it.

My fingertips tingle with the
need to smooth my palms across it and feel his reassuring heat. What is it
about this man that makes me so Goddamned crazy?

“I’m serious. Go. I don’t want
to talk about this and you don’t want to be around me. I’m a mess. My life is a
mess and no one really wants to be with a porn star.”

“
Ex
porn star,” he
corrects.

“See? You can’t handle this
shit, Hunter. Get out while you still can.”

“Jessie… princess… babe… I’m
not going anywhere.” He edges forward so his chest flattens me against the wall
once more.

I suck in a breath and try to evade
looking into his eyes with those beautiful long dark lashes but it’s
impossible. How’s a girl meant to avoid such beauty? He dips his head and
brushes his lips over my cheek.

I release a sound of
frustration and press my palms against him. “What is this? You want to seduce
the porn star? Another notch on your belt?” My voice trembles while I fight my
desire for him. It makes me so very weak. It makes me believe there could be
something in the future for us. I can’t afford to believe that. “You just want
to find out what it’s like to fuck a porn star, is that it?”

His head jerks back, as if
stung by my words. His lips thin and I hold the breath in my chest, preparing
myself for the agony that’s bound to hit me when he turns away and leaves me
forever.

Then his mouth softens and he
leans back into me. His lips come to my ear. “No, Jess,” he murmurs. “I want to
make love to you. Not your past.”

My knees weaken and I grip his
arms for support. Love? Make love? No one’s ever made love to me before. I’ve
done most things imaginable but I’ve never made love. Unshed tears make my eyes
ache and my heart pangs for everything I’ve missed out on.

I lower my head. “I don’t—”

“Shh.” Forceful fingers cup my
chin and raise my head. “Look at me. Look into my eyes.”

I do as he commands, unable to
resist.

“I want to make love to you. I
know everything and it doesn’t matter. It’s only your past and everyone has a
past. Without it, you wouldn’t be this amazing, funny, determined woman in
front of me. Princess, you are fucking hot. And I don’t just mean your sweet
body and gorgeous face. I mean you as a package are. Fucking. Hot.” He puts
emphasis on each word and my cheeks warm. “I’ve never met a woman like you.”

“But—”

“Shut up,” he tells me softly
and takes my mouth in a passionate kiss.

I’m a goner. He thinks I’m hot.
And not just my body. He thinks
I’m
hot. Hell, he even likes my determination.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes that side of me. Hunter’s eyes are
completely, compellingly sincere. I don’t have a chance in hell of fighting
him.

“Damn you.” I kiss him back ferociously.

Before I can do anything else,
he breaks the kiss and scoops me into his arms. I feel ridiculous being carried
up the stairs, his footsteps echoing. Nerves swirl in my stomach. I’m still not
sure I believe him. If I go to bed with him now, will I wake up in the morning
to find him gone? Will he regret sleeping with me or will he run off and tell
his friends how he fucked Trinity Sparks?

He pauses outside my door. “Are
you sure you want this?”

Those words blow me away. No
one ever cared what I wanted. It was what the producers wanted. What the ex-boyfriend
wanted. What my uncle wanted. If he really was only interested in me for the
kudos it could bring, why would he ask?

I swallow and nod, unable to
find my voice.

Hunter thrusts open the door
and I realize I didn’t even stop to lock it. He pauses at the threshold and
lowers me to the floor. I miss his strong arms around me, making me feel small
and precious. I threw my body away once, didn’t treasure it, and somehow Hunter
makes me think there’s something valuable in me again. Like my body is worth
fighting for. Like
I’m
worth fighting for.

He eyes me from under his brow,
blue eyes penetrating under those dark eyebrows. He steps over the threshold
and closes the door slowly behind him, never taking his gaze from me. I gulp,
the sound loud in my ears. He takes a step forward and I meet that step.
There’s no going back. As soon as our bodies touch, the tempest takes hold once
more.

“Hunter,” I breathe as I twine
my hands in his dark hair.

“I know, princess. I know what
you need.” He cups my ass and kisses my neck.  “I’m going to give it to you.”

Lifting me with ease and
coaxing my legs around his hips, he carries me over to the couch. I spread
kisses across his jawline, the sensation of his stubble against my tender skin
enflaming my need. Desire kindles under my skin. He drops me down but before I
can protest, he’s on top of me. With one hand propping him up, I can enjoy the
heavy weight of him without being crushed. We wind up sprawled across the
cushions, legs twined together, moving in a quick rhythm of desire.

His lips follow the arch of my
neck and across my collarbone. Hunter licks and sucks my skin, occasionally
nipping. I scrabble my nails over his back and rise to meet each kiss. As his
mouth dips further down towards my breasts, I rise and one of his hands comes
under my back to hold me to him like an offering.

And that’s what I’m doing.
Offering myself to him—body and soul probably. He knows me. He’s seen my wounds
and doesn’t care. The least I can do is give myself totally to him. Shifting further
down so he’s resting on his knees, he urges my top up. Fingertips skim my
stomach and ribs. I arch and arch as if I can feel more. Somehow these intimate
touches aren’t enough. I don’t think I will be satisfied until we’re as close
as two humans can get. I need Hunter inside me.

Both his hands force their way
under my bra and enclose my breasts. The soothing coarseness of his palms on my
sensitive skin makes me cry out. He stares down at me, a crease between his
eyebrows. So serious.

“Jessie, you’re so beautiful.
It’s insane how beautiful you are. Damn, if you could only see it.”

His words make my heart
flutter. I’ve not been able to see myself as beautiful for a long time. My past
has warped me. But I want to see it. “Show me. Just show me.”

“I’ll do my best, princess.”

He bends and puts his mouth to
my stomach. I observe as he works his way up while his hands still manipulate my
breasts, clever fingers rolling my nipples into even harder peaks. As his mouth
reaches the bottom of my bra, he presses his hands beneath me and unhooks it.
In a tangle of fabric, my top and bra are somehow removed and his warm hands
come beneath me. He takes his time circling my breasts with his tongue,
taunting me so that when his mouth comes over one nipple, it’s exquisite.
Relief and a fresh rush of need ebbs through me. He turns his attention to my
other nipple while I run my hands through his hair.

I make a noise of
disappointment when he trails down to the waistband of my leather trousers and
he chuckles against my skin. Laugher and sex. I didn’t think they could go
together but now it seems they can. With Hunter I feel like laughing, crying,
screaming, begging, and running through every human emotion possible. None of
it seems wrong. Everything with Hunter feels so right.

I giggle as his lips tickle my
hips and his fingers tug on the waistband. He kisses all the way along it,
making me squirm in anticipation. The sound of the button unpopping and the
zipper rasping sends thrills skittering down my spine. He rises up once more to
drag my trousers and underwear down my legs in one go, leaving me totally bare
to him.

I want to shield myself from
his hungry gaze. I’m so utterly exposed in many ways. But I force myself to
remain still and leave myself open to him. This is me. Who I am. And I want to
be accepted for it. I’m sick of running from my past. Hunter makes me want to
be brave and confront it.

“Holy fuck,” he mutters.

I can’t hold back the
spluttered laugh. I don’t know what I was expecting but the look in his eyes—a
kind of wide-eyed awe as if he’s won the lottery—combined with those words
startles me. Warmth suffuses my chest.

His lips twist into that wry
smile of his and something tells me I’m going to pay for that reaction. His
hands work over my body once more, starting at my breasts, running down my
sides and over my stomach, and across my thighs. He caresses every part of me
quite forcefully, his expression grave as if he’s trying to commit me to
memory. Hunter avoids touching me where I need it most, working me into a
frenzy. I bite my lip to keep from begging. When his fingers eventually skim my
folds, it makes me jolt. A buzz of gratification already simmers through my
veins. He uses a light touch—one that I can barely feel and I close my eyes to focus
on it. He circles slowly and back and forth. I bet he’s enjoying teasing me,
putting me on edge. Torturing me.

Finally, his movements get stronger
and I gasp when the first sparks of pleasure kindle deep inside. He strokes me
with an expert touch and my body responds eagerly. I swear the man is ridiculously
good with his fingers.

Before long I can’t take any
more and I drag open my eyes and try to push his hand away. “I need…” I blow
out a breath. “I need you, Hunter. Just you.”

That smirk is back on his face
again. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

Do I? Well I do now. And I guess,
in spite of my independence, it’s what I’ve always wanted. Deep down, I’ve
lusted after the heroes in books who laid their life on the line for their
woman. With Hunter, I think it’s all or nothing. I think he could be the kind
of guy who would do that.

He tears his T-shirt over his
head and I come up to my knees too, my hands shaking at the thought of touching
him. It seems to take forever for my hands to come into contact with his flesh.
It’s hot, taut, smooth and looks divine. Muscles sculpt his body and a line of
dark hair trails down from his torso into his jeans. I lick my lips as it
taunts me with what lies beneath. I follow the lines on his stomach with one
finger.

We’re both on our knees and I’m
acutely aware of my nudity, but I’m too concerned with his now to care. I need
to see the rest of him.