Total Control (30 page)

“Ethan, that is how Gia was feeling after talking with you on the phone that night.” I turned to Gia, who was still looking forward, and took her hand.
She smiled.

I rubbed her fingers softly as Laura told us that Gia didn’t want to tell her story again, so we were going to listen to the
audio tape they’d made that night. As Laura turned to push play, I felt Gia tense up. I pulled her hand up to my lips and kissed it softly. She released the breath she was holding.

***

“Gia, what happened tonight?” Laura’s voice came across the recorder.

“He was my husband,” Gia said. I swallowed hard.

“Who?” Laura asked.

“I was his wife,
” Gia whispered. I had a sharp pain in my chest.

“Are you talking about Lex, Gia?”

“He was a stranger.” I tried to breathe.

“What was the stranger doing?”

“Fucking me.” My lower jaw trembled. I looked down at Gia’s hand in mine.

“Where, Gia?”

“In my bed.” I didn’t know if I could hear this.

“Who was in your bed?”

“My husband.” Her voice cracked. I looked back up.

“Gia, what happened tonight?”

“I remembered.” She sobbed.

“What did you remember?”

“When I died.”
Oh my god, Gia.

“You
’re alive now.”

“Am I?” I jumped as Gia
screamed.

“Yes, Gia, you are,
” Laura said calmly.

It was quiet
on the tape, but I could hear Gia crying. She was trying to get it together, but it took a while. I closed my eyes
. How could anyone hurt her?

“I had a nightmare,
” Gia finally said.

“Nightmares ca
n be very disturbing.”

“Only, it really happened.
”

“That’s what we call a repressed memory, Gia. Why don’t you tell me about it?”

There was silence for a while on the tape. Gia glanced over at me quickly and I heard her take a deep breath on the tape.

Nothing could’ve possibly prepared me
for what I was about to hear. I heard the voice from the woman I loved come back over the recorder. She told a heartbreaking, tear-jerking story of a wife who died at the hands of her husband as she allowed him to spread her legs and take that last bit of breath she had. I was shaking as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I had Gia’s hand between both of mine and I was watching her stare forward, just as she’d done in her bed that night with Lex. She blinked and I watched two silent droplets fall into her lap.

“
I want you to fuck me,” she said to Lex on the tape. I gasped. It was the way she talked to me that first night at my place, the night we tried to have sex, but couldn’t. Gia looked down into her lap and tried to pull her hand away from mine. I squeezed it tighter and she looked over at me. “I love you,” I mouthed to her. She tried to smile, and looked straight ahead again.
Good girl.
I thought it was over. I was relieved. It would’ve hurt me to listen, even if I hadn’t known who the people on the recorder were. It almost killed me knowing it was the woman I’d die to protect. The recorder kept going.

“Did you get pregnant that night, Gia
?” Laura asked.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I took a morning after pill.”

“Where did you get it?”

“I’d bought it over the counter about a week before.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t go through it again.”

Laura finally turned and shut off the recorder. We were all silent. I was ready to take Gia in my arms, fly home, and protect her for the rest of my life. But I was about to be mortified instead.

“That was Gia’s first repressed memory,” Laura said.
First? Oh, no, please, I can’t handle another one.
“Yesterday we got Gia, on video tape, to remember the night she did get pregnant. Is everyone okay? Do we need to take a break first?” Gia looked at me. She knew I was suffering. She leaned over and put her free hand on my face.

“The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we get to move on
. I want to leave this place and never look back. I want to have my ‘someday’ with you when I get home. Please, I need you to know everything. I need you to tell me it’s okay. I need you.” It was the first time she’d said anything like that. I’d begged her to tell me everything, and there I was, scared to hear it. She wanted to have her ‘someday’ like we’d talked about, like I’d been dreaming about. She needed me. That was the biggie, she needed me there. I nodded. She smiled and sat back in her chair.

We all looked up at the TV screen, and Gia
squeezed my hand as the tape started. She was lying on a couch in an office. She was visibly trembling and when Laura asked her to take us back to that night, she squeezed her eyes shut and frantically shook her head no.

“I
don’t want to go back there, ever!” she cried. “Please God, please make it stop. I don’t want to get pregnant. I can’t go through it again, it’ll kill me. Please!”

“Gia, take a deep breath. I know you have the courage to take us back there. Tell us exactly what you are feeling and what
’s happening,” Laura said.

“I want to stand, I want to run, but my legs are shaking along with the rest of my body. I can’t breathe, I’m gasping, trying to fill my lungs, but all I’m getting are bits of stale air. I smell him! His breath reeks of liquor.”
Gia’s eyes shot open wide. “I’m there,” she whispered.

I knew I was about to watch the woman I loved relive a horrible moment in her life.
I took a deep breath. It was going to change me forever.

***

I was ovulating again. I knew Lex would be expecting sex when he got home from his night out with the guys, but I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to give into him that time. I was going to tell him no, and I wasn’t going to fall for his “this is our dream” speech anymore. I had to put an end to it before it put an end to me. But I fell asleep waiting for him, and when I awoke, it was too late.

“Gia, why are you fighting
me?” He was on top of me, kissing me with his hot, rank breath. I gagged so hard it brought tears to my eyes. I was suffocating under him. I pushed on his chest and bucked with my hips.

“Lex, please…” My voice cracked. I jerked my head from one side to the other
, trying to get his face away from mine. I was going to be sick.

“Please?” He laughed
. “That’s more like it.” He sucked my neck, hard. It hurt and I let out an agonizing moan. My tears were soaking my pillow and I felt it on my cheek each time I thrust my face against it.

“Please stop, you’re hurting me
,” I managed to say, but I was weakening.

“I’m hurting you?” He glared at me
with a stranger’s eyes. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I think we both know who does the hurting around here.” He shoved his tongue in my ear and moaned. I shivered once and then my body went limp. “That’s it, Gia,” Lex said in my ear. He grabbed my breast and squeezed. “I know you like that.” His mouth was on mine.

I was
very still. My eyes were dry then as I stared up at the ceiling. I couldn’t fight him anymore, he’d won.

He stood and pulled his pants down. I was silent and still as I kept my eyes on the ceiling.
He pulled my panties off. “Christ, Gia, when was the last time you shaved? Did you even shower today?” He seemed disgusted, but it didn’t stop him. Nothing would stop him, and I’d realized it. I hadn’t showered in three days actually, and I hadn’t shaved for a month.

“Tell me,” he said. I didn’t make a sound or move in any way.

“Tell me!” I jumped and the tears rolled again. I didn’t say a word, though. My heart was racing and I hoped I’d have a heart attack and die.

“Al
l right, Gia. You know I come faster when you talk dirty, but apparently it’s too much for a wife to give her husband.” I didn’t care, he could fuck me all night, I wasn’t gonna give him the satisfaction of asking him to.

He pulled my legs apart and climbed on top
of me. I was like a rag doll, still as could be, silently praying that I’d just pass out. I was numb. My arm plopped off the side of the bed as he tried to take his position above me, and I just let it hang. He tried to penetrate me, but had trouble. He reached over and pulled open the nightstand drawer. His hand fumbled around for some time before he found the KY. He squeezed it onto his finger and slid it into me. I didn’t move or make a sound.

He steadied above me again and thrust himself inside. I slowly blinked. Please, God, don’t let me get pregnant. He thrust again, over and over. He moaned and his rhythm picke
d up. I closed my eyes and prayed for him to have his release.

“Oh, fuck!” He slammed into me one last time. Then he collapsed on top of me, panting like the dog he was. I stayed still, thankful for his premature ejaculation. He rolled off of me and onto his side of the bed.

I got up and walked to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet, trying to push every seed out. I wiped until I was completely dry. Then I fell to my knees and vomited until I finally passed out with my face on the toilet seat.

“But you did get pregnant,
didn’t you, Gia?” Laura asked her.

“Yes.”

“With your third baby, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“How did you feel about that baby?”

“I hated it.”

“Why.”

“It was part of him.” She blinked and tears fell down her cheeks, but she
kept staring forward.

“Did you do something to purposely get rid of that baby?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do, Gia?”

“Prayed for God to take it.”

“And did God take it, Gia?”

“Yes.”

“How did you feel about that?”

“Guilty.”

“Why?”

“I thought I’d killed it.”

“But you now know the truth, right
, Gia?”

She
finally looked at Laura, “Yes.”

“Good
, Gia. Very good.” Laura smiled at her, nodding.

***

Laura turned off the tape.

I stood and pulled Gia from her seat and held her. Our hearts were beating fast against each other. I pulled back and took her face in my hands. “You are the strongest, bravest woman I’ve ever known, and like I’ve said before, you never cease to amaze me. I need you.” She put her hands on mine, closed her eyes, and smiled.

Sean stood and gave her a hug. He told her, “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” She smiled and nodded.

“How do you feel,
Gia?” Laura asked her.

“Like the worst is behind me,”
she said quietly.

“You’re right. How would you like these guys to stay for lunch?”

“I’d love that. I’d love to go back to my room and get my phone back later, too.”

“Ok
ay, Gia. I think we can manage that. You’ve worked really hard these last two days. Make sure you get some rest tonight, okay?”

Gia nodded. I squeezed her hand and gave her a wink.

Laura led us to a private room with a couch, some chairs, and a table. She said she’d have our lunch brought there for us.

Sean sat Gia on the couch and held her hand. He told her how great she’d done and how she was an inspiration for him to finish school so he could help people like them. I was thankful for him. He’d come through for her in the last couple of weeks, and I knew we wouldn’t be where we were
then if it hadn’t been for him. He stood up and shook my hand.

“Ethan, I want to give you and Gia time alone
; I’ll come get you in an hour.”

“Thanks
, Sean, for everything.” He smiled, nodded, and kissed Gia’s cheek before he left.

I was at a loss for words. I looked at Gia, who was still on the couch looking up at me, and
I broke down. I was embarrassed. I was supposed to be the strong one, for her. She took my hand and pulled me down to her. She held me, not saying a word. Our food came, and Gia told them to put it on the table. She didn’t budge from my side or let up on the firmness by which she was holding me. I wanted to talk to her, but I was overcome with emotion. It wasn’t anything in particular, but the whole experience. Hearing Gia, watching her, feeling what she was feeling as she died inside, it was intense. I was finally alone with her, and I was a wreck.

She was like a rock, holding me and stroking my arm.
She’d changed. She was stronger, more confident. She had nothing to hide. She’d opened herself up to me, like I’d asked her to. I’d had no idea what lay inside of her, what she’d pushed down so deep that even she couldn’t find it. She was even more amazing than I’d thought. I got myself together and looked at her beautiful, smiling face. Heat ran through my body and I felt my neck and shoulders relax.