Tracie Peterson (48 page)

Connie nodded and Mattie pulled her close and drew her into the house. The others had already gone back to the living room and were assembled in a rather tight-knit group, silently questioning each other and murmuring about this newest event. Mattie turned to encourage Harry to join them, but he slipped Connie’s bags inside the door and then closed it quietly behind him.

Mattie waited until Connie calmed down, then sat beside her on the couch and listened as the sound of Harry’s truck faded into the distance. Finally, she turned to Connie, gripping her hand tightly and asked, “What’s this all about, Connie?”

Connie looked at her sisters and then to Mattie. “I’ve been so awful to all of you. I know you’ve probably given up on me. I didn’t want to need any of you. I didn’t want to care because I was afraid if I cared, I would get hurt worse than ever. You all seemed so much a part of each other, and I never felt right about my place in this family.” She sniffed back tears and looked at Ashley and Brook. “You
were twins and you had each other, and I envied that bond. Then you grew up and had wonderful lives and I envied that as well.”

Mattie watched as Ashley and Brook exchanged a knowing glance, then returned their attention to Connie. Their lives were certainly less than perfect, but Connie didn’t need to hear that just now.

“I envied Deirdre with her beautiful family, and I’m so sorry that Dave is gone.” Connie barely got the words out before tears overpowered her. She cried quietly against Mattie’s shoulder. “I envied Erica and her sweetness and her musical talent. I envied you all, and I know it was wrong. I know, too, that it drove me away from the family. I couldn’t bear to deal with any of you. When I looked at you, it was like seeing a reflection of everything I couldn’t have.

“I tried an outlandish life-style. I disregarded the rules and thumbed my nose at God,” Connie said, her pain terribly obvious. “I thought I could find the love I was looking for in other relationships, but that never happened. Now I realize the emptiness was my own creation. I know that I need to fill that spot with God. Harry helped me see that tonight, but I knew I couldn’t go to God without coming to each of you first,” Connie said, giving a serious glance at each of her sisters. She returned her gaze to Mattie. “Please tell me I’m not too late. Please tell me you still care about me—that you wouldn’t rather I be dead like Rachelle.”

Before her teary-eyed sisters could make a move from where they stood, Morgan appeared in the room. She padded across the floor in dainty pink ballet-style slippers. Her little white gown swayed gracefully back and forth as she made her way to where Connie sat beside Mattie.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath for a moment. No one had expected Morgan, and Mattie could see that Deirdre wanted very much to reach out and pull Morgan away so as not to bother Connie in her grief. But something stopped Deirdre from interfering.

Without a word, the golden-haired child climbed up on Connie’s lap and began to wipe away the tears on her aunt’s face. Her
pudgy fingers moved slowly and methodically on Connie’s cheeks, and every so often she would stop and pat the cheek ever so gently.

“My daddy died,” she told Connie, speaking for the first time in weeks.

A sob erupted from Deirdre, and Mattie watched as Brook and Ashley came to her side to support her. Erica’s gaze was locked on Morgan in tearful fascination.

“I don’t want you to die, Aunt Connie,” Morgan said softly. “When you die you go away like my daddy, and I wish he hadn’t gone away ’cause I want to play with him.”

Connie sniffed and nodded. “I know how you feel,” she said. “My daddy went away when I was little too. And I never got to play with him.”

“You can play with me,” Morgan said, stroking Connie’s face.

“I would like that very much,” Connie said, pulling Morgan against her.

Mattie felt like singing and laughing and crying all at the same time. Her prayers were answered and she felt a spirit of peace wash over them all. It wasn’t too late. It was never too late, as long as the heart was willing to open itself to love.

Deirdre knelt beside Connie and Morgan and placed her hand atop Connie’s. “I love you, Connie. Welcome back to the family.”

“I love you too,” Erica said, slipping onto the sofa beside Connie.

“That goes for me as well,” Brook and Ashley both said, moving to stand behind the sofa. They gently touched Connie’s shoulder, and the final barriers broke away.

That night, with all of her living family under one roof, Mattie stood before a portrait of Rachelle and smiled. “You did a good thing by bringing them all into the world. You could have chosen differently, and few would have faulted you. But I thank you.”

Mattie then looked down at the letter Rachelle had written shortly before her death.

Mom
,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am for the pain I’ve caused you. Seems pain is what I do best. When Daddy and Robbie died, I wanted to die too. I knew if it hadn’t been for my silly play practice, Daddy would have been safely at home. I guess that’s why I felt I had to become the best actress that I could be. I had to do this so that Daddy’s death wouldn’t be in vain
.

I used to mourn that I couldn’t give the girls the kind of life they deserved, but then I realized that’s exactly what I did in giving them to you. I was so silly and headstrong. So ridiculously stupid. I know you forgive me, without even having to ask. I can see you standing there—your loving smile, your gracious manner. But, Mom, I can’t forgive myself. And if I can’t forgive myself, how can God forgive me? I don’t really want to die, but I just want the pain to go away. I’m sorry that I’m not strong like you. I’ve always loved that about you—I’ve always loved you. Please don’t blame yourself for my choices. As I was selfish in life, I’m selfish in death. I’m doing this for me
.

Rachelle

Crawling between crisp, cold sheets, Mattie settled into her bed. The letter was still in her hands and Mattie contemplated the words for a long time before praying.

“Father, she was so lost. If only I could pray her into heaven . . . .”

But Mattie knew she couldn’t do that. And to focus on the sorrow of Rachelle’s lost soul would take away from the wonder of Connie coming back to God and her family. Mattie refused to be sad—refused to bathe herself in regret. She couldn’t help Rachelle anymore, but she could help Rachelle’s daughters.

Connie sat comfortably in the gazebo watching the sun rise over the horizon in brilliant magenta hues. The skyline turned crimson, spreading painted fingers upward into the darker blues of predawn.

“
Red sky in morning, sailors take warning
,” Grammy would often say, and sure enough, a storm usually brewed up by evening.

Connie couldn’t help but think of the storm from the night before. A storm of spirits and wills and broken hearts that had festered in their wounds. But then the healing came with the calm of the night, and long after her sisters had drifted off to their various rooms in the house, Connie had felt their love keeping her warm. In their love she had been renewed. In God’s love she was a new woman. It was like nothing she had ever known. She felt forgiven, and she felt blessed in having been released from her past.

“I see you’re up early.”

Connie startled from her thoughts to find Harry standing at the bottom of the gazebo steps. She smiled. “I didn’t hear you come up. Did you row across the lake?”

He nodded. “I knew you’d be here and thought I’d come over to speak my mind.”

“You saw me from clear across the lake?” Connie questioned. “That’s impossible.”

“I didn’t say I saw you,” he said with a grin. “I just knew you’d be here—somewhere. And that was all that mattered.”

Connie felt her cheeks grow hot and she looked away as Harry joined her under the canopy. How was it that with just one look, he seemed to reach beyond her walls and see into the depths of her heart?

“If you’d rather me not be here, I don’t have to stay,” he said softly.

But Connie knew that the last thing she wanted him to do was go. “I’m glad you’re here,” she replied. “I wanted to thank you for helping me find my way home, both to God and to Mattie and my sisters.”

Harry said nothing for a minute, and when Connie looked back she found his gaze fixed on her as if he were memorizing her every feature. “Did you hear what I said?”

He nodded. “I’m glad you feel that way. Did everything work out okay? Did you talk to them?”

“Yes,” Connie said, smiling. “I apologized and told them everything.
Then the most wonderful thing happened. In the midst of realizing that I was truly accepted and forgiven, Morgan appeared and told me she didn’t want me to die like her daddy.”

“Morgan talked?” Harry said, his excitement evident in his voice.

Connie shared his feeling of joy. “Yes. And that was the very best part. Because when Morgan spoke and told me she loved me, it was almost like hearing it from God himself.”

Harry coughed and looked away and Connie was certain he had been moved to tears. He had such a gentle heart and sweet spirit. She had never met a more remarkable man . . . and to think he had been there, just across the lake, all of her life.

“So how would you feel if I told you the same thing?” he finally questioned, looking back to meet her study of him.

“What are you saying?” Connie felt a tugging in her heart—a hopefulness that began to diminish as her fears crowded in.

“I’m saying that I care deeply for you. If I ever had any doubt about it,” Harry continued, “I realized last night that it was true.”

“But, Harry . . . look at me and what I’ve done. You deserve much better than me . . . after all my past—”

“Has been forgiven,” he said before she could say anything more.

“I know that, but even if my soul is renewed, the rest of me is still damaged goods. I don’t deserve—”

Before the sentence was out of her mouth, Harry was at her side, pulling her to her feet. “Don’t you understand? I don’t care. I love you, Connie.”

Connie bit at her lip to keep from crying again. She felt Harry’s hands, warm and gentle, as they grasped hers. He had given her everything she had ever hoped for—an unconditional love that came fully aware of the possibility of trials and sorrows. Harry was a man that a woman could count on, and Connie knew that she wanted very much to be that woman.

“Thank you, Harry,” she whispered, leaning into his embrace.

She heard the rapid beat of his heart as his arms tightened around her shoulders. It was enough, she thought. The empty places were finally filled, and peace flooded her soul like a clear mountain river that promised to wash everything clean.

Chapter 44

Ashley and Brook sat on the front porch snapping green beans for Mattie. It was an old task birthed somewhere way back in their childhood and Ashley thought it a very pleasant job.
Pinch the ends and snap the middle
, she thought, remembering Grammy’s instructions.

She laughed to herself, causing Brook to look over in question. Ashley shrugged. “I just thought about that time when I asked Grammy why we had to snap the beans.”

Brook nodded and laughed. “Because they can’t snap themselves.”

Ashley nodded. “We had a fun time of it, in spite of our complaints.”

“We were more fortunate than we realized.”

“Our parents may have been absent, but seeing the things that are out there today, I know that many children have parents in residence who are just as absent from their lives.” Brook nodded. “And,” Ashley continued, “I think that would be the worst of all.”

They glanced up at the sound of a vehicle coming up the long, narrow lane. Ashley immediately recognized the Bronco.

“Jack.” She whispered his name. “I can’t believe he’s come here.”

“What are you going to tell him?” Brook asked, gathering up the sack of beans. She took the bowl from Ashley and placed it atop her own.

“That depends on what he’s here to say,” Ashley said thoughtfully. “I want to believe that I can trust him, that we can start over.”

“That will require a great deal of faith on your part,” Brook said, glancing down the drive.

“I know, and that’s the hard part. It’s going to take a lot of effort not to let the past come between us.”

“If it were simple and clear-cut, Ashley, it wouldn’t be faith. Faith requires trust and effort . . . but you have to make the choice to believe.”

Ashley nodded and barely heard the screen door slam as Brook made her way inside. Looking down at her jeans, Ashley brushed off the bits of bean stems and got to her feet. She almost wished she could go inside and change her clothes, but Jack was already getting out of the car and it wouldn’t be right to make him wait after he’d come all this way.

He approached her cautiously, his face filled with a look of complete misery. There were dark circles under his eyes and his once confident, almost arrogant look of self-assurance was gone.

“Look, I know you wanted some time alone,” Jack began. “I wanted to give you as much as you needed, but I can’t bear it anymore. I know I did wrong, Ashley. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m begging for it just the same. I need you and I love you and home just isn’t home without you.”