Training in Love (32 page)

Linda’s
face registers shock, her mouth opens without her being able to close it. “Oh
my God…”

“Right,”
I look at her tiredly, hugging my tray tightly.

“You
didn’t… you didn’t tell me anything…”

I
shrug. “I wasn’t really in the mood to speak about it the next day.”

Linda
nods and for a while says nothing. “I didn’t know Olly. This… this changes
things… It must have been terrible for you…”

“Exactly.”

Linda
reflects, looking at her hands. “I still think that you should give him the
chance to tell you what he wants to tell you before closing the door. But now… now
I can understand why you were so rigid.”

I
don’t answer. I don’t want to promise anything now. I don’t want to decide
anything.

After
a moment of embarrassment, so unusual between me and Linda, she clears her
throat. “I wanted to ask you something else…”

I
sigh. “Tell me.”

“Tomorrow
evening will you go out with us?”

I’m
breathing in and already shaking my head, but she doesn’t let me reply immediately.

“It’s
been ages since we’ve seen each other and the twins want to go to a party where
I don’t know anyone, so… I need the support of my friend.”

“Listen
Linda, I don’t feel like going out. I really want to stay home to feel sorry
for myself.”

“Come
on, Olly…” She insists, making a puppy face. “Do it just for me. You’ll be
taking a break from your commiseration for a few hours, while doing a favor for
a friend. And then you can go right back to feeling sorry for yourself all the
time you want.”

I
huff, because I already know that I’ll say yes. Even if this thing is really a
pain. In fact, Linda starts to smile. I roll my eyes skyward, moving towards
the counter. “Okay, but I’ll come with my car, so I can leave when I want.”

“No,”
she objects, crossing her arms and frowning. “Otherwise you’ll leave after five
minutes… Come to the twins’ house and we’ll go together.”

I
set the tray on the counter and cross my arms. “You are without pity, huh?”

The
puppy look returns. She has an impressive facial mobility, this girl. “And then
I’m leaving in a little while… We won’t see each other again!”

I
look at her, narrowing my eyes – skeptical. “Hmmm.”

She
smiles with satisfaction now. “So, meet us tomorrow evening at the twins’ house
by nine-thirty, and dress up.”

“That
too?”

Linda
laughs, shrugging her shoulders and opening her arms with her hands up, as
though she were innocent.

“And?”

“And
that’s it,” she answers serenely. And while I’m about to turn around and get
back to my work, she stops me again, as though she was just remembering
something. “Uh, no. One more thing…”

“Yes?”
I say, falsely polite.

Linda
comes closer and leans on the counter. Instinctively I lean in and she whispers
in a low voice, “I know you don’t want to speak about it… just tell me… how did
your first time go? How was it?”

I
jerk back, intent on not saying anything good about him, in any way. When I
speak, the words that come out are: “It was beautiful.”

25.

Since
I’m a person of my word, I am at the twins’ house at nine-thirty sharp.

I’ve
put on a pair of narrow black pants and a dark green blouse, very floaty. I
have black ballerinas on my feet and my hair loose. I hope Linda-the-Nazi will
be happy.

I
wait outside, sending her a message to let her know I’ve arrived and tell her
to meet me without me having to go in. I’m not in the mood to withstand a siege
on the part of Mrs. Bonaventura…

Linda
comes out first, followed shortly afterwards by the twins.

When
she gets closer, she looks me over from head to toe. She frowns slightly.
“You’re not made up.”

I
open my mouth, shocked, and roll my eyes skyward. “I’ll put on some mascara in
the car, but are you crazy? Where are we going? Where is this party? At the
Prince of Savoy in Milan?”

She
doesn’t even answer and as soon as the twins join us, we begin to get into
Nic’s car, parked in front of mine.

“You’ve
never made all this fuss even when I went out much worse than this…” I scold
her once I’m seated in the back seat next to her.

When
Nic pulls away I fish the mascara and mirror out of my bag. Taking care, I
slowly apply it to my lashes. “Happy?”

Linda
shoots me a quick glance, then says severely, “Lipgloss,” before turning to
look out the window again.

I
look at her, open-mouthed for a while, but she doesn’t give me even a minimum
of satisfaction because she’s staring at the landscape passing rapidly beyond
the glass with her chin resting on a hand. Huffing, I slide the lipgloss on my
mouth.

If
I weren’t so wrapped up in my pain, I would have immediately detected something
strange in her apparently sudden worried behavior. Instead I understand
everything only when we enter a certain tree-lined boulevard in a residential
area. A street I’ve already seen on two occasions.

I
don’t say anything and they don’t either. Inside the car, they remain in
religious silence. I don’t make any scene or reproach anyone. I stay very calm.
When Nic parks in front of the bordeaux house - as I foresaw, it’s impressed on
my memory with a few, brief looks – I get out of the car without saying a word
and walk towards the main road. I’m ready to walk back to the twins’ house,
where I’ll pick up my car and return to feeling sorry for myself in the peace
of my room. Very calm. Very collected.

I
hear Linda call me a couple of times, but I don’t listen to her. I continue to
walk tranquilly, as though I were going for a stroll.

I
don’t accelerate even when, almost arriving at the end of the tree-lined street
that will lead me to the main road, I hear a car pull up at a crawl and a
window being rolled down.

Without
turning I speak directly to him, “I thought you were a friend Nic, but
evidently I was wrong.”

“Get
in the car Olly.”

The
voice isn’t Nic’s however, and I’m so shocked that I stop for a second, just a
second. I start walking again without answering, while my heart does
somersaults and then goes down with a dull thump in my stomach.

“Olly,
that’s enough. You’ve thrown enough tantrums. Get in the car or I’ll get out
and load you in.”

“Heh.”

I
hear an abrupt braking and a car door open and close with a certain violence. I
admit that this makes me accelerate a little bit…

Andrea
blocks me in front and the sight of him, suddenly, leaves me breathless despite
all my good intentions to hate him… He leaves me breathless. After the first
second of confusion, I go to pass him, but he moves, putting himself in front
of me, like a wall. “That’s enough. You’ll let me speak and you’ll listen.”

I
sigh, thinking that nothing that he could tell me would make me change my mind,
while he’ll continue to stress me out until I’ve listened to him. So I give in.
“Okay then. Talk.” I stop abruptly, crossing my arms.

“Oh.”
He straightens. Clearly he didn’t expect such a rapid surrender. When he
recovers, his features relax immediately. “Come on then, get in the car and
we’ll go somewhere…” He says making a gesture for me to come with him towards
the car behind me.

“No,
no. Either here or nowhere,” I answer without even taking a step.

“In
the middle of the street?” He asks, perplexed.

“Yes.”

He
observes me for a minute, perhaps undecided whether to insist or not. Then he
probably decides he won’t tempt fate any further and sighs. “Okay. Anyway it’s
not important.”

I
don’t say anything. I don’t help him in the least.

He
sighs again and scratches the nape of his neck, with a gesture that I’ve seen
him do many times. “Olly,” he starts without looking at me, then, slowly, he
lifts his eyes of ice to meet mine which regard him severely. “Olly. You don’t
know how sorry I am…”

I
don’t answer or comment in any way. I said I would let him speak and I’ll go
through with it, unless this is it. But from his attitude it doesn’t seem like
it.

“I…
the fact is that…” In fact he starts again, before sighing again and passing his
hand through his hair again. “The fact is that I was too enthusiastic about our
work. That’s why I did it. I didn’t think of it right away. When I met you I
was working on a completely different thesis, but then, a little at a time,
seeing you progress in everything, both with your weight and in training, I was
so wrapped up and contented… and happy… that I thought I could document this
work as my thesis.” He looks at me. If he hopes that I’ll intervene in the conversation,
he’s hoping in vain. He glances at the deserted street and a light blush covers
the upper part of his cheeks. “And…” He lowers his gaze to his shoes before
bringing it back to me again. “And since I needed a subject which was more
complicated than simply following a progression of data…” He shrugs, visibly
uncomfortable. “I thought about adding the influence of the psychological
aspect to this work. That’s why I mentioned between the lines the evening at
the lake.”

He
stops, I nod.

“I
was an idiot…”

I
nod again without speaking.

“As
much as I really believe that I didn’t do anything wrong, because I just
gathered data without even putting your name and not specifying the gender
either – I used the term ‘the subject’ from the beginning to the end…” I raise
my eyebrows, because for an apology this seems pretty strange, “I’m sorry, I’m
very sorry I didn’t ask your permission to do it as soon as I had the idea.”

Already
better.

“And
I’m sorry for having put in the evening at the lake which I already knew then… was
very hard for you.”

I
nod again.

“I’m
sorry, Olly. Really, forgive me… I didn’t want to make you suffer in any way.”

I
nod again and drop my arms. Looking at the ground I speak for the first time. “You
made me feel… like your little experiment…”

“No!”
He moves a step closer, putting out his hand, but I back away immediately,
taking a step backwards. “I’ve never seen you like this! This isn’t what I had
in mind when I did it… I didn’t…” He sighs again before continuing, “Anyway, I
know that words are useless in certain circumstances. Actions demonstrate more than
rivers of words.”

I
look up again.

“I
wanted to wait for a clear answer before speaking to you, but the thing will
take an unknown amount of time and I couldn’t wait any longer. I couldn’t stand
not seeing you…”

I
raise my eyebrows, stunned and curious to know what he means.

“For
this reason I asked the twins and Linda to help me this evening… I couldn’t
wait for an answer that will come who knows when… I wanted to see you.” I see
him swallow and hesitate just for an instant before continuing. “I’ve really
missed you. I missed you in America, where I thought about you every single
day, and I’ve missed you even more these last few days, when I thought for a
few miserable hours to have done it, to have finally captured you, to have made
you really, definitively mine… And instead you slipped between my fingers, even
before I could close my hand.”

I
open my mouth, shocked.

“I
withdrew my thesis. Or rather… I tried to withdraw it. I won’t be graduating
now.”

I
cover my mouth with my hand. “Oh my God…” I whisper between my fingers.

He
nods, completely serious, putting his hands in his pockets. “Yes. My professor
was furious, but I tried to convince him to let me withdraw and to give me
another year to prepare another. So… if he lets me, I’ll graduate next year… If
not, I won’t graduate at all.”

“Oh
my God Andrea!” I exclaim in a louder voice, my eyes wide with shock. “You
can’t do something like that!”

“Yes,
I can.”

“You
can’t throw everything away!”

“I
certainly can, because the only thing that counts… is you.”

I
straighten, stunned, taking a step back. “Andrea…”

He
shakes his head. “Don’t tell me you understand, that you forgive me, I can leave
it alone and graduate with your thesis, because I won’t do it. In some small
corner of yourself, you’d always have some doubt… the doubt that I was just
pretending – just to win you back, to have my cake and eat it too. I’ll go
through with it. It doesn’t matter what you say or what happens.”

I’m
not able to say anything and he continues, lowering his voice and looking me
straight in the eyes. “I don’t want there to be any doubt in your mind…”

I
look at him, immobile, almost without breathing.

“Any
doubt… that I love you.”

Again,
instinctively, my hand returns to my mouth, to cover it.

“I
love you so much.” After having said this he begins to smile, relaxed, with his
hands in his pockets.

Tears
well up in my eyes and my hand, luckily still on my mouth, cover a little sound
that rises, unstoppable, in my throat.

He
laughs softly. “You’re beautiful… so sweet and fragile that all it takes is a
word to move you. And at the same time so strong and tough, able to resist
anything. Anything.”

I
cover my whole face now, with both hands, because the tears have started to
fall. I feel him very close by. “And me?” He murmurs laughing, “I, who think
I’m so rational and disciplined and then, when I fall in love, lose my mind,
completely.”

I
sniff, trying to dry my tears in some more elegant way so he won’t see how I’m
crying like a baby.

“Rational…”
He laughs moving closer still. “For my first love I changed country and for
you… a much greater love… I’m ready to throw years of study and work out the
window.”

I
can’t seem to speak yet, while I try to gather myself with my head bent. And
now I feel him touch me. He stretches out a hand and gently winds it in my
hair. “And you know something?” He asks in an amused tone. “If you’re with me,
if you’re by my side… It doesn’t seem important to me. I could do much more,
for you, my love.”

There,
I had just recovered for a second and thanks to these last words I go back to
sobbing uncontrollably.

He
laughs again, softly, and then, slowly, he circles me with his arms. “What does
this crying mean? Does it mean you forgive me?”

I
let myself relax against him, embracing him and hiding my face in his neck
until I calm myself and then I whisper, “You had me at ‘hello’ Andrea. You had
me at ‘hello’.”

He
hesitates just for a few seconds. “You had me at ‘hello’?”

I
sigh against his neck, murmuring to myself, “I knew it…” Then, holding him
tight, I lean back just enough to look him in the face. “
Jerry Maguire
,
Andrea,
Jerry Maguire
.”

He
frowns slightly, takes his hands from my waist and letting them run up my back
until he arrives at my cheeks, where, with a sweet caress of his thumbs, dries
my tears. “Who is he? Do I have to hit him?”

I
laugh, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you don’t know who Jerry Maguire is…”

He
shrugs his shoulders with an expression of pure disinterest.

I
sigh theatrically. “Don’t worry. Sunday afternoon we’ll see about remedying
this unpardonable gap in your knowledge.”

He
stops, arresting the movement of his hands just for a second. Then, when a ray
of understanding appears in his eyes, he rolls them upwards, puffing. A second
later, however, he smiles at me, slowly, more and more, showing all his teeth.
“Only if right afterwards we can take care of remedying some of
your
gaps.”

I
laugh again, finally lightened, and I gently pull his head towards my lips to
let him know what I think of his plan.