Truly I do (13 page)

Julie-Anne
began to feel like one of Russell's old students, as if she was
being admonished for her lax behaviour. He was making her feel
silly.

Russell leaned
down to speak softly near her ear. In the gloom of the unlit
bedroom his words left her cold. "I am going to give you a bit of
space to cool down for a few days. I'm going down to spend the
night at Bramley Apple Lane and then in the morning I'm going up to
Yorkshire for a few days. I suggest you spend some time thinking
about what you want from people and how you've been treating me. I
can't be chasing 'round after you every time you choose to run away
from me." He drew back to look down sternly at her. "Think about
growing up a bit will you." he gruffed, and with that he stood and
strode away into the darkness.

"Wh - what do
you mean?" she croaked.

"Well," he
stepped back to lean against the door frame, "first you ran away
from me when we went to Yorkshire, then there was that silly
nonsense about Grace just before Christmas, as if I was likely to
run off with the first friend of yours that made eyes at me . . .
and now, now this! If you'd rather run away or compare me with
Andrew instead of accepting my commitment to you then I think
you're just being shallow and childish. These sorts of silly games
are not my style Julie-Anne. There's some part of you that you keep
holding back, I'd hoped you'd give all of yourself,
unconditionally, tonight. Well, I guess you're not ready. It needs
to be truly Julie-Anne - not almost or partly, but absolutely and
truly. I'm sorry." With that he turned quietly and walked silently
out of her house . . . out of her life.

"No Russell .
. . !" Julie-Anne whispered hoarsely, too quietly for him to hear,
"Please don't give up on me."

*

He'd left her
feeling as if she'd been thrown out in the freezing wastes without
a coat. A sensation as cold as ice was crawling over her skin. Her
sense of desolation was physically painful. "I've ruined
everything!' she berated herself. "I've lost him . . . we'll never
get back the carefree happiness we've had here together . . .
things will never be able to be the same again." Broken hearted and
alone she sunk into a fitful sleep.

To add to her
worries, in her dreams Grace appeared and she saw visions of
Russell and Grace sitting together with their foreheads touching
and their fingers tangled in a lovers hold while they whispered and
spoke in sexually charged undertones that Julie-Anne just could not
decipher. Jealousy swelled in her heart and she began to see
Russell as a deceitful swine. The few times she awoke in the
darkness she could only comfort herself with wild and furious
imaginings of clawing Grace's horrid hazel eyes from her face, or
of making something awful happen to her. When she sunk back into
sleep Freddy's evil laugh seemed to be the background rhythm of the
night that Julie-Anne was trapped in.

*

At six in the
morning the sharp trill of the telephone ringing was a relief as it
jarred Julie-Anne from her awful dreams. She stumbled off the bed
and picked up the receiver, looking mournfully down at the crumpled
state of her lovely turquoise gown.

"Hello
darling."

"Mother?" Her
mother sounded different, not her usual laughing self. "What's
wrong?"

"I'm afraid
your father wasn't quite honest with you last time you spoke." Her
mother sounded tired and worried. "We weren't going for one of our
adventure trips, he has been in hospital having some treatment for
his heart condition. I've been staying on the ward to be near him.
I"m afraid it's got worse, he's not very well dear. We didn't want
to worry you unduly but . . ."

There was an
uncomfortable pause. Her mother never cried, at least not as far as
she knew, but Julie-Anne was pretty sure she was crying now.

"He'd like to
see you dear. Do you think that's possible?" The woman did her best
to sound matter of fact.

"I'll come
right away. I'll pack now and go straight to the airport. I'll keep
in touch with you as I go so that you know how my journey's
progressing." Julie-Anne clutched at the opportunity to involve
herself in the journey and to go spend time with her parents; to
get away from the events of the last few hours and to escape the
feeling of abandonment now that Russell had gone.

"What about
your young man?" her mother enquired. "Can you just leave him
immediately?"

"I'll explain
when I get there." Julie-Anne affirmed, "But, in short, yes - I'm
free to come immediately. I'll hang up now Mother and I'll call you
later from the airport - okay?"

"All right
darling, if your sure."

Julie-Anne
reluctantly hung up. She sat staring at the phone for a while,
allowing the free flow of tears. She knew that, half a world away,
her mother would be weeping too. She wanted more than anything to
go and be with her. Were these the only two people she could trust
to love her without frightening her? No, she decided, even my own
parents ended up abandoning me. Still, she found the energy to pack
her clothes and phone for a taxi to take her to the airport.

*

For some of
the flight Julie-Anne managed to sleep. Luckily there was no-one
sitting next to her so she didn't have to try to keep up any
conversation. But when she was awake her mind juddered relentlessly
from thoughts of Russell telling her to think about growing up and
admonishing her for running away.

Why had she
run away from his proposal? She couldn't get it straight in her
head.

When she
managed to push Russell from her thoughts she ended up worrying
about her father. How was he really? She kept thinking the worst
was about to happen and she would lose him just when she felt she
was about to make a proper friendship from their relationship. His
advice to her about taking the chances life has to offer, and his
confession about the way he'd treated her mother with cold
indifference for far too long were treasure to her. During those
brief conversations her father had been a life-line, a friend and a
hero for her. She prayed that this was not to be the end . . . of
either of her two most important relationships.

*

The flight
went via Shanghai, Pudong where she had to sit and wait for endless
hours for the second leg of her journey. Julie-Anne was in an
inert, dreamlike state and hardly noticed any of the new
surroundings. Eventually she arrived at her destination. Her aunt,
Annie, and her mother were there at Auckland airport to meet her.
"Haeri mai - Welcome!" said a large, friendly sign.

When she
finally got through the formalities of customs, and was able to
join them Julie-Anne hugged her mother as if she'd never let
go.

"Come on
then!" Aunt Annie cajoled, "Let's get you two ladies home so that
we can freshen up and go see your man in hospital." Julie-Anne
hugged Annie briefly and the three women went to the car.

All the way
home Annie pointed out things of interest. She explained that
Auckland was seen to be a vibrant and modern place. It was, she
explained like a tour guide, New Zealand’s largest city promising a
blend of sophistication and charm that might just be what
Julie-Anne needed to bring herself out of herself.

Annie said she
looked forward to having time, later on, to take her sister and
niece to the bustling shopping district. She described the chic
waterfront bars and restaurants. As they moved to the outer edges
of the city Annie pointed out several of the lovingly restored
clapboard villas in Auckland's leafy inner suburbs.

She saw Sky
Tower and her mother promised they'd climb it soon to look at the
views together.

"There's loads
of art and culture here for you as well." Annie promised, "About a
fifth of Auckland’s one million inhabitants are of Polynesian
descent." While her aunt described the museum and it's proud
collections of Maori artefacts Julie-Anne pictured in her mind's
eye the fusion of traditions and vibrant colourful art works that
must have come about as a result of the history of this place.

During their
drive Julie-Anne could see why Auckland was known as the ‘City of
Sails’, all things nautical seemed to feature prominently and, her
aunt explained that the city had its own America’s Cup Village in
the viaduct basin. "That's a must-see too!" Annie carried on
happily, "Oh, I'm so glad you finally got yourself out here."

Her mother
smiled warmly and said, "Perhaps I can get you out to hike with me
around the forest trails of the Waitakere Ranges? Or we could take
the ferry to the islands of Waiheke and Rangitoto in the Hauraki
Gulf - you'll love the beaches!" Clearly excited about having
Julie-Anne to show around she even suggested "If your dad gets
better we could go further and visit the Bay of Islands and
Rotorua. I think you'd just have so much fun, there's so much to
see."

Julie-Anne
smiled quietly from her perch in the back seat of the car and felt
glad that her mother was optimistic about her father's health. She
just wanted her dad to get better so that even thinking about going
out and about on day-trips could become a possibility. But she had
a nagging feeling that would be a long time coming. She also began
to realise that she did not want to stay here for any longer than
seemed necessary - now that she'd flown half way around the world
all of her aunt's and mother's excitement was doing nothing to make
her feel that she actually wanted to stay. "How is dad?" she
asked.

"Let's not
waste time speculating - let's go and visit with him right away. I
guess you'll feel more settled if we do that, what d'you think?"
Annie interjected brightly.

Julie-Anne
nodded gratefully and Annie adjusted the direction of their
journey.

*

The sight of
her father hooked up to hospital machines and breathing apparatus
was deeply depressing, but not really any less than Julie-Anne had
coached herself to expect. She sat silently next to her mother at
his bed side, sipping tea from a vending machine and found herself
day dreaming about Russell.

"Penny for
them?" her mother softly questioned.

"Actually . .
. ", and in the quiet cool room Julie-Anne found herself softly
confessing all to her mother and seeking guidance as to what to do
next.

"Do you mean
to tell me you just jumped on an aircraft and flew half way around
the world without telling him?" the older woman hissed in a
concerned rasp.

"Well yes, I
suppose I have." Julie-Anne admitted.

"Oh child!
Even if you've decided to leave him you should at least let him
know and tell him you're safe. Although form everything you've said
I'm not sure that you've given him the chances he deserves."

Julie-Anne bit
her bottom lip. If she called him now how would that make her feel?
How did she feel about Russell? She was so unsure of herself. She
stared emptily at her father and wished he would get better so that
he could give her more of his bold, experienced advice.

"Oh dear!" her
mother groaned. "I shouldn't interfere and push you toward this man
darling. Perhaps if you aren't sure you should try having a break
and see what happens - but you really should tell him where you
are. Poor chap, he's bound to be so worried. As far as he's
concerned you've just disappeared off the face of the earth. He's
bound to have tried to contact you."

"Hmmn."
Julie-Anne smiled vacantly and quietly decided she would just phone
Russell and see how their conversation went.

Later, when
they'd arrived back at aunt Annie's home Julie-Anne picked up the
receiver and dialled England. It was seven o'clock in the evening
in Auckland, that meant it would be six in the morning in Surrey.
She hung on anxiously, wondering if he was away in Yorkshire. She
wouldn't mimd if he didn't answer because that would allow her to
leave a message on his machine and not have to try to explain
herself to him. The ringing stopped and his blurry voice said
"Hello?" as clearly as if he were in the next room. Julie-Anne
jumped.

"Oh, er,
Russell. Hello!" she blurted.

"Hello you!
Where are you? I called your house last night but got no reply." He
sounded sleepy but relaxed.

"Um - I'm in
New Zealand. My dad has been taken ill!" she said, trying to sound
matter of fact about it. Her imagination was forming an image of
Russell still sleepy from waking up, with his golden curls tousled
around his handsome face and his strong, golden shoulders still
naked because he wouldn't have put a shirt on yet. She longed to
reach out and stroke his smooth skin.

"Good grief!"
his tone startled her back to reality. "New Zealand? You could have
let me know you were going!"

"I didn't know
much in advance, its Dad you see." She offered.

"Julie-Anne?"

"Yes?"

"Is it really
over between us? Have you run so far away this time that I really
can't come after you any more?"

His question
hurt her more than she could have expected. Is that what she was
doing? Was she running away again?

"Russell, I -
I'm not sure," she faltered.

"I do love
you, truly I do. But I just can't seem to convince you Julie-Anne.
God knows I've tried. Every time I start to get close you gallop
off and I'm left feeling rejected. I meant what I said the other
night, I don't think I can keep this up. Especially now that you've
gone so far."

Julie-Anne
could not answer him.

"Stop crying."
He could hear her anguish over the phone. "You're not being fair
any more. The best I can offer you is a choice Julie-Anne; either
you come to me of you own free will this time or we really must
call it a day. I've been up to Yorkshire, my deal is completed and
I'd come home to find you and talk things out calmly - now
this!"