Trust (Chasing Shadows) (6 page)

The lessons of my scouting were luckily not forgotten. Coupled with my medical training, I knew I could stitch up the significant cut on Ella’s forehead using a plant that grew in abundance nearby called the Yucca Whipplei. The Chumash had used this plant when they needed cording or a tie of some sort. The dried leaves that were falling off the plant easily pulled apart into long and sturdy strands whereas the sections that were still green were sharp enough to actually be used like a needle.

It took a few tries before I could thread the strand around the needle portion, but eventually I was successful. No part of this plant would be wasted. The dried leaves, the green ones, and now the stem where I would squeeze some of the valuable moisture out that would serve both to sanitize the area as well as to slightly anesthetize it before proceeding with stitching her up. I was thankful that Ella was too out of it to know what was about to happen.

In fact, she was hallucinating. The night was growing colder by the minute and signs of hypothermia were setting in. If that were to occur, her systems would start to shut down.

“Ella? Ella can you hear me?” I spoke as I wove my handmade needle through her skin. A low moan escaped her mouth, but her attempt at words were merely muffled and slurred. Fortunately, she would only need about three stitches. One more and I would tie the end and do my best to tackle the next issue.

“I’m here. It’s Ethan. There we go,” I said as much to reassure myself as Ella. “It’s done. Now, let’s get you warmed up.”

When she tried to speak again, the words were nonsensical as if she were talking to someone else...someone who she thought of as a lover. It occurred to me that whoever she was talking to was the reason she couldn’t respond to my words. It didn’t matter. Leftover emotions from Nate and the trauma of the last month were not going to stop me from taking care of her.

Her appearance was disheveled with the straps from her dress hanging off her shoulders, exposing her upper body. I saw her hoodie had been discarded in a heap just a few yards away.

I carried Ella toward the edge of a rock formation where the large stones formed a wall. A large crevice between three big boulders formed a shelter with ample room for us to crawl inside. I set her down at the mouth of the opening and peered inside, ensuring that no animals were camped out there before us. It was big enough for us to sleep. It wouldn’t be comfortable, but at least it would provide protection where we could wait out the cold and wind until morning, or at least until that ranger came back and offered us help.

“Ella, I’m going to leave you for just a minute.”

“Don’t go,” she cried out. Thus far, it was the only decipherable words to come out of her. “Please don’t leave me.”

“It’s just for a minute, just so I can get your hoodie and my pack.”

I hurried to retrieve the items and then returned to Ella, and worked to gently lift her through the opening. She clung to me as I carried her and I felt her head slump downwards onto my shoulder. I placed my fingers against her neck, checking her pulse. The clammy feel of her skin combined with a pulse that was so low I could barely find it had me fighting back panic. I needed to mentally distance myself from my emotional attachment and do what I was trained to do.

I sat on the ground with her body cradled in my lap and ran my hands over her arms, her legs, and her back. I held her close, trying to bring warmth to her.

“Ella you’re still so cold,” I said worriedly, but didn’t get a response...at least not verbally. She wove her fingers into my hair and buried her head into my shoulder. I felt her lips on my neck and that’s all it took for my thoughts to connect the fact that I was holding her scantily dressed body in my arms. Her light dress was still falling from her shoulders and her shapely legs were on full view as the hem had edged upwards. 

“Come on, we’ve got to get you back into more clothes. Put your arm through here,” I instructed, trying to maneuver her hand into an extra jacket I had brought along. The oversized jacket seemed like a better bet than trying to get her into a tight-fitting hoodie while she was half conscious. But, she gripped my shoulders and neck so tightly as if scared that I was going to leave again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured her and was finally successful in getting an extra layer on her. I kept working on rubbing her legs and moving her feet to increase circulation. All the while, I put romantic thoughts of her body being against mine out of my mind. She had maneuvered herself so that she faced me. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, her legs around my waist. This wasn’t going to affect me. This wasn’t the girl I was falling for. At this moment, I had to view Ella as my patient. That’s all there was to it I told myself as I held her close, bringing warmth back to both of us.

But then, she suddenly lifted her head off my shoulder and turned toward my face, bringing her mouth within inches of mine. Her body definitely felt warmer now as we sat holding each other and my resolve was fading. Her lips were practically on mine. She lightly trailed her mouth over my cheekbone, down to my jaw and then back to  where I could feel her breath just over my mouth. I had to kiss her. I held her firmer in my arms, frustrated with myself for being weak, but she was just so close and I wanted to be with her not as her doctor, but her everything.

That is, until she uttered one word that made me pull away.

“Nate,” she whispered into my ear.

Awkward. I never wanted to leave Ella, but I also wasn’t about to be there when Ethan turned up. Did I think for one minute she would confuse us?

“Come on, Ella,” I whispered her name on the wind, but it seemed to only distress her more. I knew she wasn’t herself. She had been exposed to the elements for hours. At least Ethan was trained to help her, but his method wasn’t exactly to my liking. Shared body heat, my ass.

Still, it’s not like I could freak him out by appearing to him. I just wish she’d wake up and realize that there’s been a sudden switch up.

In my ethereal state, I saw her wrap her arms around him as if he were me and it was killing me all over again. I would have left immediately had I not seen something that sent a fear like no other through me.

Less than a foot from where Ella’s outstretched leg rested was a rattler, sleeping for now, but within striking distance if disturbed.

Nate was with me again and I couldn’t have been more elated. I leaned into his body and enjoyed his kiss, which was softer than usual. Not only were his kisses gentler, they were almost hesitant as if something was holding him back from fully being with me. As I warmed against his touch, the foggy feeling of my brain started to play tricks on my mind again.

Ethan’s voice whispering that everything was going to be alright reached me. Nate had also told me not to worry. Suddenly, a fear that I had put them in danger occurred to me, but that couldn’t be. After all, Nate was a ghost and Ethan wasn’t here.

I focused on Nate holding me in this sweet and tender manner that was so different from his usual take charge ways. It made me respond to him even more,  especially when I felt the erotic tickle of his hand trailing just a finger or two against my leg, moving slowly over my thigh.

A rattling sound filled the night air.

“Don’t move, Ella. Stay very still.”

Ethan again. I struggled to open my eyes and focus on what was real, but I felt so tired. The sound of his voice was worried, which didn’t make any sense to me because he punctuated every thought with another declaration that everything would be okay.

“What’s wrong?” I managed to utter.

“Yes, good girl. Wake up. But don’t move.”

“I thought you wanted me to stay warm? You said I had to move. Ethan?”

The thoughts were real. Ethan had returned to find me and the realization filled me with enormous guilt, not only for the situation I had placed him in, but also because of the nagging feeling that I had betrayed Nate.

Cold and exhaustion hit me again, making my eyes refuse to stay open. That’s when I heard Nate’s voice, this time filled with urgency.

“Ella! You have to listen to him. You’re meant to live. You survived that accident so you could go on, not die on this mountain. So fight. Say goodbye to me and fight.” As the words of both men floated around my mind, I fell back into unconsciousness. Images of Nate and Ethan filtered through my mind. Two men who both held my heart and were here to keep me safe.

The only explanation for finding her in this state of undress was that she was suffering from hypothermia. I did my best to keep her warm before she slipped back into unconsciousness. Logically, I know that what she says aloud while in this condition shouldn’t bother me, but then again, I’m a resident psychiatrist so it’s tough for me to outright ignore what the subconscious mind reveals. Now I know for sure. I know that even her subconscious is still in love with Nate. I suppose she always will be and I need to accept that.

But if ever there was a time for her subconscious to realize that it’s not Nate who is caressing her leg, but a damned rattlesnake, it’s now.

“Stay still, Ella,” I whisper again, not wanting my voice to betray my nerves.

I can’t just sit here and hope for the best. I came out here to take care of her and that’s what I’m going to do. Finding the closest stick, I grab it and hold it close to her leg, praying that the snake will choose to cling to it rather than Ella’s leg.

If it would just lift its head upwards, I could move it. It’s a risk, but the alternative is just as bad.

“Just don’t let anything happen to her,” I say softly under my breath, a prayer to any entity that will listen. I know I’ve fallen hard for her. How else could I have misread the signs of hypothermia for something romantic? I know the signs -- taking off clothes, believing she is warm in spite of the dangerous cold. How could I have allowed myself to respond to her body? Because she’s quick-witted, beautiful and right now, she needs me, I thought to myself as that damn rattling sound continued to echo its warning.

I kept my mind on Ella and off the rattler as I moved closer to it with the stick. I didn’t want to think of what I was attempting. There was no place for my mind to relax. Part of it considered the snake, the other kept nagging me about the fact that Ella is my patient. And not just any patient, but one who I dream of holding from now to eternity...and also the one who is in love with her dead boyfriend. Not the best situation.

The snake slowly slithers over her leg. The length of it still covers her, but its head is now half-way between Ella and myself. I think that it might actually move away and we’ll be safe. I also think about what safety net Ella clings to...Nate.

As I held her and kissed her mouth, I didn’t want to believe that she uttered his name with romantic intentions. I’m sure that I heard her say my name as well and the sound shouldn’t have made my heart race, but it did and filled me with hope. Hope that I might not just be playing second fiddle.

“Ella, it’s going to be okay. I’m here for you.” Just as I whisper these words, she opens her eyes and there’s recognition there. I reach out and touch her cheek and to my enormous relief, there’s warmth emanating from her.

“Ethan, you’ve stayed with me this whole time? You kept me warm?”

“Shhh,” I say in warning, my eyes going to the snake that continues to move from our cave-like enclosure towards the shrubbery, but with the very end of it still on her, it is not yet out of striking distance.

“I’m sorry that I did this,” she says and with her arms she indicates the land around us. “I shouldn’t have come back here alone.”

I just want to take her in my arms and tell her that I understand the grieving process and she’ll get through it. I’ll help her through it. I glance down and relief comes to me with the sight of just her beautiful legs, no snake in sight.

“You’re feeling better?”

“Stupid and cold, but not crazy and freezing,” she smiles. She leans into me and I wrap one arm around her. I drop the stick that I’ve been firmly holding and plant my hand down to shift my weight closer to her. That’s when I feel the searing pain tear through my hand and I hear the ominous sound of a rattle once more...and then the sound of silence.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive--I'll find love again.”

-- Paulo Coelho, “The Zahir”

You can lose a loved one and still go on. It’s a hard lesson that Ella is struggling to learn. But I believe that living in the present is the key to a happy future. Right now, Ethan is directly accountable for her survival. If she is to have that happy future, she must survive the present. I know that they will have to use their wits and strengths to make it through. It’s sure to bind them together, and I have to accept that.

When Ella was in my arms and then Ethan arrived and took care of her, I wanted to materialize for him, if only to show him that Ella wasn’t crazy. But that would have been reckless and could have caused both of them more strife. Ella is the only one who I’ll allow to see me. I’ve already realized that appearing to her initially may have been selfish on my part. Who’s to say that I wasn’t doing it because I was the one who needed to see, not the other way around?

I certainly can’t cause any more people to question their reality. Ella...I could argue that it’s different with her. Our bond was so strong that she was able to see me and each time, it became easier to appear to her. It would have been simpler to appear and help them deal with that snake. It killed me not to. The only thing I could do was to try and tempt it away from her. It’s not that I wanted it to bite Ethan, but certainly with the hypothermia setting in, Ella would not have survived the venom.

I had nearly been able to save both of them when she suddenly moved toward him and he naturally couldn’t resist her. I wouldn’t have been able to either. And that’s when that damned reptile seemed to rethink the idea of moving along. It circled its head back around and dug its fangs into Ethan’s hand before sidling away, moving to higher ground where it could rest in peace.

As I move closer to Ethan and Ella, barely able to watch how the scene unfolds, I know one thing is certain, it won’t be a peaceful night for either of them.