Trust (Chasing Shadows) (2 page)

I drove farther, past four more mile markers, until I found the area where Ella and I had stopped earlier in the day. If my mission was less dire, the scenic drive would have put me in a happy frame of mind. But today, after everything that I had learned, I could only concentrate on finding Ella. I slowed down in order to scan the edge of the highway for the start of the trail head where we had hiked earlier. Another quarter mile behind a bend and I spotted Ella’s car. It had a flat and she was nowhere to be seen.

The traffic sped past at erratic speeds in spite of the curving road. There was no place safe to stop so I moved ahead another quarter mile to the next turn-out. Immediately, I jumped from my own car and jogged back down the road toward Ella’s, grabbing my phone from my jacket as I approached.

Her sister’s line rang for what seemed an impossible number of times before going to voice mail.

“Hi Lily, it’s me, Ethan...”

And then the beep sound indicating the call had dropped. What did I expect? I was in the middle of the Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area. It wasn’t exactly the ideal place for cell towers.

I redialed and again waited for the seven rings before hearing the sound of Ella’s sister’s voice. “Ethan again...I’ve found Ella’s car. She’s not here, but...” Beeep.

Damn it!

There was no reception in this remote area of Calabasas with the twists and turns of Mulholland Highway.
As much as I tried to get the call to go through, I remained out of luck.

I stared down at my phone and realized a new problem...just two bars left on my battery. I had pulled it out of my iHome early this morning to get ready for the hike with Ella. By this time of day I typically would have recharged, but there had been no time for that. And now, there was no time to finish my message.

I looked up to the heavens and uttered to myself the message I intended for Lily: “Don’t worry. I’m going to find her, Lily. I promise.”

As if nature itself was mocking me, I was struck by a chilly wind. I zipped up my jacket, my thoughts immediately going to Ella and pangs of nerves rose in my chest. She certainly wasn’t ready for the change in temperature that occurred as the sun began to set.

I thought back to what she was wearing earlier in the afternoon. Sexy? I’d say. I know I wasn’t supposed to notice, but how could I not? The dress accented her thin waist and her strong and lean legs showed through the sheer material. But was it practical for night hikes? No way. I hurried toward the trail head, not able to remember if she had a jacket with her.

I was nearly at the location where the trail head started when I saw the national parks ranger close the barrier that allows hikers to park their car.

He saw me looking up the road at him. “Is this your car?” he shouted, taking a wide-legged stance that police seemed to adopt in order to look authoritative and powerful. The psychology behind it was that only guys with the biggest balls had to stand like that because they needed more room. I wasn’t buying it.

“I’ll just be a minute,” I lied easily. “Left my pack down a few yards on the trail.”

“Alright, but you need to hurry. Park’s closing and nightfall brings out the coyotes, even mountain lions. This here path connects to the Backbone Trail. It’s not one to tackle at nightfall. Too many steep drops on that one.”

“No problem, Officer,” I said in a tone that was meant to convey respect and not suspicion. He had finally turned away when suddenly, he turned back to me.

“Hey, you weren’t hiking with anyone else, were you?”

Something about his tone made a chill that wasn’t caused by the weather to creep up the back of my neck. “Nah, my friend’s long gone.”

The officer nodded before adding. “So, you don’t know anything about the owner of a car with a flat tire that’s parked just about a quarter mile up?”

The worry flooded back in me. How long had Ella been back on the mountain and why was she still here? I simply shook my head, instinctively knowing that if I said anything about Ella he would insist on handling matters on his own. There was no way I was leaving. Not after I went and kissed her, and then did an about face when she kissed me back. What was with that? Couldn’t I make up my own mind? Or was it that I  couldn’t control myself? I should know better than to get involved with a patient, especially one that is being counseled for grief. It’s not like I didn’t have personal experience with a heavy heart.

I looked directly at the park ranger and knew that what I said next would determine whether he went on his way or declared me to be loitering and causing a public disturbance. “I’ll just get my pack and be on my way. I’m in a hurry to catch the ball game on T.V.”

“Take care now,” he said over his shoulder while climbing back into his car.

I waited until he drove away, before turning toward the trail. As if there was any chance that I would ever leave Ella out here alone.

I know that I’m going to have to face the very real possibility that I’m the one becoming the third wheel, not Ethan. I shouldn’t have listened in on his thoughts, but since I’m still looking out for Ella, I figure I’m entitled. He could’ve just let that ranger go after Ella, but he wasn’t having any of that and I needed to know why.

But to hear his thoughts...I got more than I bargained for. I know he’s falling for her even when he tells her that he’ll back off. I still love her and can’t imagine her with anyone else, but there will come a time when I have to face that if loving Ella means I have to let her go, then so be it. Letting her go will give her to Ethan, where the two of them can have a life together. And maybe, that means that I will also find peace. But before I can leave, I have to make sure she’s safe and find her...if only to say goodbye. But I’m not ready for that yet, and apparently, she hasn’t decided that’s right for her either. She’s still struggling with a lot of things.

She can be so stubborn. It’s what I love about her, but now it would be nice if she were a little more accommodating. Ella won’t open her mind to me or Ethan, which means it’s impossible to know how she is or even where she is at this moment. I just hope she gets over this challenge she’s set for herself pretty fast. There are more dangers out here than just the dropping temperatures. Like that ranger said, this area is home to coyotes and mountain lions, but he failed to mention the rattlesnakes that have a tendency to come onto the trail when it’s quiet. Night hikers are prone to stepping on them as well as other dangers that come with limited sight -- the rigorous trail itself with its steep inclines and even sharper drops.

I paced trying to tune into her thoughts. Ella isn’t safe and I’m working against the clock to help her. I walked for a bit and then put my hands on my head in frustration. I thought of her slight frame, her beautiful, wide brown eyes that always looked at me with complete trust, her laughter and the waves of brown hair that I loved to twirl around my finger as we lied in each other’s arms.

As I stood on the edge of the hiking trail, looking into the horizon, what I saw turned my emotion from frustration into renewed purpose. I saw Ethan making his way down toward the ravine, and there above him, on the other side, was a pack of coyotes. They were feasting on a deer, but it was a small one and would only serve to put the taste of meat in their bellies. Once that meal was gone, they’d come looking for their next one.

I loved Nate with all my heart and the tragedy of losing him became somehow manageable when his ghost visited me. I never would have believed, if it hadn’t happened so many times.

I remember the time when I knew it was real.

Lily had said she often heard me talking in my sleep. I hoped she hadn’t listened in because that night my conversation turned intimate. I felt Nate’s arms around me and I uttered the words, “I miss you.” 

His answer came in the way that I most loved, not with words, but actions. His tongue found mine and weaved into my mouth. The dream seduced me into believing that he was right next to me. I felt his hand on my breast as I had so many nights before. I let my head fall back, exposing my neck, which he readily kissed with his full, soft lips. I didn’t want him to stop or this dream to end.

My hands weave into his soft, light brown hair as if to hold him in place, and he understands my need. His mouth moves down my neck, awakening my senses. I let my hands drift over his back and like always, I’m thrilled with his strong physique...a soldier’s body. He feels amazing. “Oh Nate. Tell me you’re here.”

And then everything changed.

“I’m here,” he whispered against my throat. Immediately, he pulled back, realizing his error. He confirmed what I suspected. I was awake and this wasn’t a dream. My eyes met Nate’s. He may have been a ghost, but he was real.

What happened that night, wasn’t a one off. It’s still real today. It’s possible for me to be with Nate -- even if nobody else believes me.

Lily thinks I’m nuts, which is why she was so in favor of my being counseled by Ethan. If my work hadn’t insisted, I would never have agreed to it. And if I had known that being near Ethan would lead to even more heart ache, well...

At least he doesn’t make me feel as if I’m going crazy for saying that I can see Nate. He’s been through something this side of horrible as well. Maybe that’s why he’s the only one who doesn’t look at me with pity. Yeah, I could fall for him with his thick, dark hair, the wide jaw that attracts my eye to his lips, and those eyes. My God, those eyes are just like Nate’s and they look deep into my soul, taking my breath with them. It’s as if he can read me. He knows when to make light of a situation and when to be sympathetic. It’s those times when my attention goes beyond his words and to his physique. I notice his strong arms and wonder what it would be like to be held by him.

But if I dared do so, I would lose Nate. I just know it. I lose a bit of him every day and it just tears me apart to betray his memory, even when he tells me to go on with my life. The only way to figure out this mess of my life is to spend time away from both of them. So that’s just what I’m going to do. Looking out into the distance, I can see the high peaks of these mountains that encompass the National Parks Recreation Area. They extend for miles from inland valleys, up and over the passes, to the ocean shore. One could spend hours and days, weeks and months, and never have the chance to explore every inch of them. Nate and I had a list of hiking trails we had tackled and those we wanted to try.

Nate...

How am I supposed to be here without letting my thoughts drift back to him? And no sooner does that happen, when my guilty mind starts to think of Ethan as well. I started to move a bit quicker, both to clear my mind and to stave off the cold of night. I didn’t exactly plan for this camping trip, if that’s what I can call it. One bottle of water and a sweatshirt over a sundress does not make for a very good survival kit, but at least I’ve got my hiking boots on. I promise myself that I’ll leave before the sun sinks lower in the sky. But it’s already disappearing faster than expected, falling asleep behind one of the mountain ranges and taking my sense of direction with it.

As a Marine, Nate would have my hide if he knew I was out here alone and at night. Ethan with his sound mind and logical way of thinking would agree. Nate would tell me that I hadn’t prepared or trained. Ethan would question my underlying reasoning.

They would be able to handle the rigors of this trail. They both had muscular builds with minds as strong as their bodies. They have so much in common, which is another thing that freaks me out. It’s not just their good looks or those eyes that eerily seem so similar, but the way they carry themselves. I used to think that Nate was the only one who could get away with teasing me...until Ethan showed up and not only put up with my obvious disinterest in his services, but somehow was able to get under my skin as well as inside my head.

I had known Ethan long enough to know that like Nate, he would certainly scold me about this plan -- or lack of planning. I’d already been out here since eleven in the morning. Now, it was nearly dark and I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime. My phone battery was dead, but by the look of the sky it had to be about six o’clock. The temperatures would drop more in the coming hours. I shivered and rubbed my hands against my arms, the first inkling of worry threatening to enter my mind. I shook my head against my own nervous qualms. I didn’t need any more self-doubt.

I would never have let Ella drive off if I thought she would do something so reckless as return to the mountain when it was practically dark. I thought she needed space...hell, I did too. What was I thinking?

I should’ve never crossed that line between patient and physician. The line that says I don’t get involved. But I did.

First mistake was agreeing to move our sessions from the office to the hiking trail. In my defense, at the time it seemed like the only way to get her to feel comfortable and open up to me. It was her idea, after all. But that in itself should have been a warning sign.

She was grieving and maybe it wasn’t the right time for her to open up. I should have done it the traditional way and waited for her to tell me about her feelings. I should have been patient. But I felt a need to make her whole again, to take away her pain. And I know why. I know the fear that comes from not being able to remove someone’s pain. I know what people are capable of when they suffer. I had experienced loss on a deeply personal level and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. If it weren’t for losing Claire, my girlfriend during medical school...

“You’re home! I wasn’t expecting you this early, but you’re in luck. Dinner is almost ready.”

“Claire, I’m sorry. I’m actually just coming home to change shirts. I have to go back...my rotation shift changes tonight so I’m going straight from working days to nights.”

“Without even one night to sleep?”

“Afraid so,” I said lifting the lid on the pot that simmered on the stove. “Damn, that smells amazing. Mind if I help myself to a bowl?”

“It’s only 4:30, but sure...let’s eat.”

It took me all of five minutes to wolf down the stew. Claire just stared at me as if I was possessed. Maybe I was. My obsession was getting through medical school. It consumed me the way I had devoured the dinner.

“You’re leaving already, aren’t you?” she asked, the emotion gone from her voice.

I just nodded.

Remembering back to those days, I recalled endless classes during the day, followed by rotations at the hospital, and catching four to five hours sleep in between. My friends said it wasn’t my fault...the fact that I only had time for myself back then. Still, I was so wrapped up in school, that either I didn’t notice or I simply ignored the signs of a troubled girl. I couldn’t help but feel like the aftermath had been my fault.

Maybe that’s why I pushed Ella into talking and opening up so quickly, even if that meant doing it on her terms...on the mountain. I was just so damned scared that it was happening again. Claire said I wasn’t there for her, that she felt there was no way to ever be happy. She rationalized that she’d be better off...

I shook my head, trying to remove the memories along with the current fear that was building up in my gut. I kept thinking of how it could have been different for Ella, if only I had kept our sessions in the office. Sure, I wouldn’t know anything about her except the requisite background information. She wouldn’t have opened up about Nate. That only happened when we went hiking and her own memories came pouring back. Yeah, I know why I agreed to start these little hiking sessions... dates...whatever one wants to call them. I wanted to be near her. I wasn’t about to lose Ella like I lost Claire.

When Ella landed herself in the hospital they called for my evaluation of her. In short, they wanted to know if she posed a risk to herself. All I could think of was that she  posed a significant risk to my heart with her waves of brown hair and matching eyes framed in dark lashes. Her personality was strong, even though her body had been through hell. She hadn’t eaten properly in weeks and a regular dose of sleeping pills hadn’t helped her anemia. But had she tried to kill herself like Claire? I couldn’t believe that this girl with the quick wit and sharp tongue would deny the rest of us her continued company. She was a fighter, even if she needed help to endure her loss.

As I continued down the trail, I knew that I was facing the distinct possibility that even if my diagnosis had been wrong and she wasn’t just experiencing grief, I could lose her anyway and that propelled me onward and made me want to start running even though it was dark. I had to admit that this wasn’t just about helping a patient or ensuring that I didn’t repeat my mistakes of the past. There was a chemistry between us. I felt it and I’m pretty sure she did as well. I had to find her.

And when I do, I’ll take back everything I said and did, and make her whole.

I’ll be her physician and help her through this, even if it breaks my heart. She doesn’t need the hassle or confusion of anything more. I’m not even sure that I do.