Trust (Chasing Shadows) (4 page)

I circled around the next bend, looking to see if there was a simpler way down to the ravine. I needed to hurry, especially if Ella had taken the more difficult route -- falling over the edge. But I would be of no help to her if I ended up breaking my legs. I needed to practice sensibility over ego. It was a bit like the tortoise and the hare. I may have wanted to just jump over the edge and get to the bottom fast, but it wouldn’t necessarily have the desired outcome. I took to the right fork, which led downward at a significant angle and started to make fairly good time in spite of the terrain.

This trail was tough during the day and near impossible to navigate at night, but somehow I managed. Perhaps because I had always been an avid runner. Running kept my head on straight after a long day of grueling medical school hours. I may have been exhausted after classes and rotations, but it was still the best way for me to decompress before falling into bed totally exhausted only to repeat the process the following day.

As I forged ahead on the trail, my old mantra came to my mind: “study, run, sleep, repeat.” There hadn’t been time for anything else in my life...or anyone else, including Claire.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” It was a nice surprise, but part of me felt just another obligation when Claire would surprise me for lunch. There simply wasn’t enough time to languish over a meal.

“I just thought something homemade would hit the spot.”

“Sounds great,” I said forcing a smile. “We can grab a seat in the commissary. But...I only have fifteen minutes or so.”

Claire put on her practiced smile. “That’s okay. Here,” she said handing me the brown paper sack.

We took a seat by the window in a back corner of the cafeteria. I didn’t want the physicians to take too much notice of me. It wouldn’t look good for me to be lounging around eating.

“It’s grilled salmon on a ciabatta roll.”

With a healthy bite in my mouth, I mumbled my approval. “This is delicious.”

It was the first home cooked meal I had eaten in nearly a week. I typically grabbed coffee in the car headed over in the morning, a cold tuna sandwich from the refrigerator in the cafeteria for a lunch that was eaten while still in line to pay for the thing, and then granola bars here and there as the rotations would allow. Dinner was slightly better in the respect that it was warm, but it was still hospital food, which I found went down easier when I was eating it at a rapid fire speed in order to quickly return to work.

“So, since you’re here for the afternoon shift, does that mean you’ll be home before dark?” Claire asked with trepidation.

“Hopefully,” I turned my head in circles, trying to ease my stiff and tired neck. “I’d really like to get a run in tonight. I could use it.”

“Oh.”

Her voice fell flat with disappointment. I suddenly realized my faux pas.

“Claire, we’ll still spend the evening together. I just really need to unwind and running helps.”

“Sure,” she said tightly. “It’s just that last week, after you worked all day and then went for a run, you fell asleep on the couch...while I was talking to you. I had to let myself out.”

“You could’ve stayed.”

She just shrugged.

“Hey, it was the best sleep I’d had all week. Your voice soothed me,” I said and  reached for her hand, which she pulled away. “Claire, please.”

“It’s okay. I get it. You need to unwind. I’ll see you when you get home.”

At first we managed to maintain a semblance of a relationship. I would go to school and she would meet me for lunch or dinner, depending on when I was given a break during the long hours of rotations. As the caseload grew more demanding and the doctors watching us took notes about our dedication as well as expertise, I realized that my fellow classmates weren’t taking their full break time. I couldn’t afford to either so I told Claire not to come to the hospital any more.

As a way to cope with the absences, we decided that she’d move in with me. But even though we lived under the same roof, we didn’t see each other any more frequently. I would come home late, either after my shift at the hospital or after a run if I could fit one in just for my own sanity and physical well-being. I’d finally fall into bed, usually after she was already asleep, and then wake and start the whole process again before she even woke up in the morning.

It became obvious that we were drifting apart. I loved Claire, but I was on a career path that demanded I give it more attention than I could to her. My father and his father before him had unselfish careers -- military men who devoted their lives to fighting for others. I had somehow believed that being a doctor was akin to that. I thought I would work to save others as well. I would be the first generation in my family to get an advanced degree and they were proud of me, even though I was having trouble forgiving myself for my mistakes.

Claire ended her life with a razor to her wrist in a warm bath one day while I was at work. The paramedics and police stated that she had died hours before I returned home and called in the incident. I wasn’t there to save her life that night. Even worse, I was too focused on my studies and job to realize that she needed help.

My thoughts drifted back to Ella, who I desperately needed to save and heal. Even though she didn’t think she needed the help, I needed to find her, not just for herself, but for me as well.

I shook my head in frustration as well as wonder. What was she thinking? The Backbone Trail. She’s crazy, that’s for sure. And I can’t deny that her wild spirit is also what I love about her.

We had talked about hiking it. She was actually doing it. That was Ella all the way. She was one for action. I bent down and found the same trail log that Ella had flipped through not long before. Quite a long list of names. But unlike Ella, this list didn’t give me hope. It wasn’t merely those who had hiked the Backbone. It was a list that caused my emotions to plummet because it was a list of injured along with two who had actually died attempting this journey. I had to find her. She wasn’t going to do this alone. Not on my watch.

I hiked to the meadow where she and I used to picnic and then some. If I could hold her now, I’d tell her that this episode proved how strong she was and that she would be alright. Maybe I’d have to kiss some sense into her, and that would be alright with me.

And just like it used to be, when I thought of holding her and running my hands over her arms, pulling her in close and pressing my mouth to hers...that’s when I was able to tune into her thoughts.

Progress. She was thinking of me again, even if those thoughts were immediately followed by images of Ethan. I couldn’t be jealous. It wouldn’t be right because I could not give her a life with me anymore. But that didn’t stop me from wanting some of our time back. Or at least a bit of time with her now before I had to say goodbye forever.

She had opened her mind to me again, which meant I would find her. I was close. I could feel her and it was a comfort to know that she wanted me. We could finally do this hike together. It was a pretty dramatic last activity, but maybe this lends credence to why we never attempted it before.

I wouldn’t have an opportunity to feel sorry for myself if I attempted the Backbone Trail. It was rigorous, dangerous and I spread my arms out wide and took a deep breath, embracing every perilous thought that entered my mind. And in a snap, that’s just when those thoughts went straight back to Nate.

We had wanted to do this together. He would totally freak if he knew what was in my head...that I didn’t care if this trail took me in and spit me out. Ethan would have a field day with that too. A tear ran down the side of my cheek. Damn it. This was why I had to do this. This constant confusion and pain. It just hurt too much.

I wanted Nate here by my side, but I couldn’t deny that I no sooner thought of Nate when Ethan would creep into my consciousness as well. They were so similar. As if one was keeping me safe by sending the other to me.

I wanted this time on my own to sort out my thoughts. There was a healthy part of me struggling to move on with my life, but as soon as I contemplated doing so, those same thoughts would betray me and wish for Nate to be by my side again. As for Ethan, I missed him. It was as simple as that. I liked my time with him, even though I pretended to the contrary initially.

“You can sit down, Ella.”

“No thanks. I like standing.”

“You don’t mind if I make myself more comfortable then?” He got up from his chair and literally plopped onto the couch in his office, smack in the middle.

“Suit yourself.”

He watched me for a minute, daring me not to sit.

“You know, it’s an hour-long session.”

“I’m fine.”

“Suit yourself,” he repeated my chosen words.

“I will,” I said, turning my back to him and pretending to be absorbed in one of his diplomas that hung on the wall.

“See anything impressive?” his voice danced with a teasing tone that both infuriated and intrigued me all in the same moment. Even though Ethan was a good five years younger than I, that tone held a confidence that was quite an aphrodisiac. It was both mocking and intimate.

With that, I turned and faced him, ignoring the laughter behind his gorgeous green eyes or the tuft of hair that escaped from his crisp, white dress shirt that smelled  so clean. I paid no attention to the muscled forearms that protruded from his rolled up sleeves. Or, at least I tried not to notice, but that of course, was an impossibility.

Unable to think of a suitable comeback, I simply answered, “No.”

I don’t know how Ethan got under my skin so quickly. I’d never felt an immediate connection to anyone before. Perhaps, he was just very good at this job. Maybe I needed him to be good at it. I didn’t want to believe that it could simply be a case of “transference,” the condition in which a patient falls for her doctor. Besides, it didn’t seem like that could be the case since I thought that was for people who hold doctors to a higher standard and thus far, our interactions had consisted of my attempts at aloofness and his amusement over my lack of engagement.

Yet, in spite of keeping him at arm’s length, he still reached me. He even made it seem as if his concern for me was more than just a professional interest. Like maybe he liked me. Maybe I liked him. Maybe...there was something behind that kiss. The one that we called an accident, a caught in the moment, one-off experience. It was the reason I had insisted we move our sessions to the hiking trail. I said that I didn’t need the sessions. But it wasn’t only because I wanted a reason to distance myself from my work mandated counseling. It was also a way to bring me closer and share something with him.

And he agreed.

“So you’re going to sit with me today?” he said, his right eyebrow lifting in a way that made me smile in spite of myself.

“I’m sitting because these heels hurt my feet.”

That wasn’t entirely the truth.
I know why I finally decided to sit near him, rather than in one of the facing chairs. I chose to sit where he had become accustomed to, on the couch, right next to him. My reason: it was nice being close to him. It felt safe, even though he made my heart pound.

His voice turned serious and like always, he could read me. I was near him because I was lonely. I missed Nate, but I also missed Ethan when we weren’t together. I found myself actually looking forward to talking with him.

“Bad night?” He asked simply. “Talk to me. You know I’m here for you.”

And that was the simplest truth. He was here...alive...and someone that I could call or turn to whenever I wanted.

My legs were bent underneath me so that I faced him, even though we were seated next to each other.

“I...sometimes I feel like it’s getting easier, because...”

My head bent forward and my forehead nearly touched his. He probably thought I was trying to gather my thoughts about Nate. But at the time, I was trying to figure out if I should tell him the way I felt about
him
. I looked up and his eyes smiled back at me.

His face held concern without a trace of pity, and something else.

I swallowed hard and that’s when he knew. He saw it in my eyes, too.

The desire.

He slowly leaned into me. We eased closer to each other, moving in sync. My eyes stayed on his lips and his on mine. His hand slowly moved to my face where he brushed a strand of hair from my eyes.

I really made a mess of things. It was too soon to jump into another relationship. All the rule books said it was a bad idea, and so I ran.

I sat down on a nearby rock to catch my breath and rest my feet. I had been going for hours and the rest was welcome, even though my mind was alive with one question after the next. Such as, how could I simultaneously have romantic feelings for two men?

Running from Ethan wasn’t only because of my loyalty to Nate’s ghost and his memory. He is my doctor, after all. Not to mention that he’s focused on his career, not relationships. Not that I want a relationship. Where did that come from? So many reasons why this couldn’t work. The biggest being that I totally misread him. He couldn’t...no, he
didn’t
see me in that light.

The wind had changed from a warm breeze that was a pleasant tickle during the day to a night time chilling gust that shook me out of these undulating thoughts. As it blew stronger I hoped that maybe it was a sign that Nate was near. But as I shivered, I knew that wasn’t possible. I was getting colder by the minute. Never was I cold when Nate was around. He would tuck me into his chest, wrap his strong arms around me and once again I’d be warm. I rubbed my own hands over my arms, but they did little to warm me up or ease my troubled mind. Just as the shifting wind altered between changing temperatures, my thoughts vacillated between Nate and Ethan.

I wondered if Nate would find me soon and hoped that Ethan wouldn’t think too terribly of me considering the way I acted when we were last together. I had run off and told him that I wanted to be alone, like a spoiled girl or a moody Greta Garbo. At least he was probably safe and warm in his house. He deserved better than I could give. At least that was one thing I had done right today -- saved him from myself.