Turn It Loose (11 page)

* * *

Day 70, my flat

Johnny called again. I’m still not picking up the phone, I’m not sure I ever will. I mean, what could he say? “I’m sorry, I didn
’t mean to hurt you?” No thanks; he can save that speech for his wife.

I still can’t even wrap my mind around this. How could he be married? He’s been with me non-stop for the past few weeks, but I guess that’
s easy considering she’s out of town.

My life just went from
a sappy rom-com to hackneyed soap opera in a matter of seconds. I mean, one minute we were on the best date ever and the next I’m getting my Usain Bolt on through the market. Ugh. I can’t even believe this. I can’t!

You know what’s the worse part? Even though he’s
a lying asshole, I can’t stop thinking about him. I know, I know, believe me, I tried. I’m either cursing him out for being a cheater or wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he can make it right.

How fucked up am I?

I think I’ve watched too many Lifetime movies or something. Last night I had a dream that he rushed to my door (in the rain, of course) and said he can’t live without me and was leaving his wife. Then he took me in his arms and kissed me like they do on TV—dramatic, but not much tongue.

Clearly, I’ve descended into delusion, but still…what does it say about me that I’m even thinking like this?

Would I take him back if he did leave his wife? Would he even leave her?

Maybe I’ll pick up the next time he calls and see if he’ll choose me
(I can’t believe I wrote that desperate-ass sentence. Shoot me now).

Who am I kidding, though?

I’m SO happy I’m going home soon to pack up my apartment. It will keep me busy, and having an ocean between us will help me clear my head.

I hope.

xx
.

* * *

Jaylah meandered through Boots shopping for things she didn’t need, but grabbed anyway to give her hands something to do instead of call Johnny. It had been four days since he dropped the wife bomb that blew her to bits, and she’d been avoiding his calls and text messages ever since.

It wasn’t easy, though.
He seemed to ring her every hour on the hour from the time he woke up ‘til he laid his head down at night sending desperate requests to please, please, please hear him out. Jaylah resisted, but he was wearing her down. She ached to hear his voice, slip her hand in his, taste his mouth.

But she couldn’t go out like that; she couldn’t be the other woman—not even Johnny’s.

She walked the aisles dumping things into her basket. Popcorn? Sure. Shower gel? Ok. Another bottle of shampoo? Throw it in. Tampons? She hesitated; she didn’t need any.

But why not?

Jaylah grabbed her phone and flipped to her WomanLog app to see when was the last time she’d had her period.

“That can’t be right,” she said, noticing she should have had her cycle two weeks ago.
Jaylah scrolled through the calendar, noting her other periods appeared like clockwork except for the last one.

She
halted. “This isn’t happening, Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Two weeks
. Maybe it was stress, she thought, the past few days had been particularly hectic after all. Filing her column, covering the Portobello Film Festival, and coping with life without Johnny.

“I can’t be pregnant. I just can’t,” she said, hoping
to will away anything daring to grow inside her.

Jaylah put the box of tampons back on the shelf and picked up a
pregnancy test instead; she had to know.

* * *

As soon as she got home and put down her bags Jaylah heard a knock on the door.

“What
are you doing here?” she asked when she saw Johnny standing in the hall.

“You wouldn’t pick up
the phone. I had to talk to you. Can I come in? Please?”

She
wavered for a moment; unsure she’d be able to resist his apology if she invited him in.

Jaylah stepped aside and said a silent prayer for strength. “So
what do you want?”

“You look good
,” he said, fumbling for the right words, “I...I miss you.”

She crossed her arms and made her face blank. “You wanted to talk?”

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant for all of this to happen. I know I hurt you, but—“

“Save it!
I don’t need your apologies. I just want the truth.”

“Ok,” he swallowed hard. “
I didn’t tell you for obvious reasons. Would you have continued seeing me if I had?”

She looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “What do you think?”

“Exactly. I never even meant for it to get this far, Jay. That first night, I tried to chalk it up to harmless flirting, innit? We were drinking, had a good time at the bar, then kissed. I managed to leave without taking it further, so I thought that would be the end of it,” he threw up his hands, “but I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Were
you ever going to tell me, Johnny?  Or were you just going to let me keep being your little secret?”

“Honestly, I hadn’t even thought that far
ahead. Whenever I found myself feeling guilty about lying to you I’d also think about how much I wanted to be with you. I just didn’t want to lose you or how you made me feel. I didn’t even consider how this would all end.”

“Well,
that’s where we are now—at the end.”

“Jaylah, I still don’
t want to lose you,” he said inching closer, “can we figure out a way to—“

“To what, Johnny?
Keep sleeping together behind your wife’s back?”

He hunched hi
s shoulders. “I don’t even know, I just need time to sort this out.”

“I deserve better than that, Johnny. So does your wife.”

“I know,” he whispered. “But I love you Jaylah. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. She doesn’t even—”

“
Stop it! I don’t want to know shit about her. Maybe you should be having this conversation with your wife.”

“What
are you saying?”

“
I’m saying maybe it’s time to walk away, Johnny. You said it yourself; you never wanted to marry her. And you love me, right?”

“It’s not tha
t simple. We’ve only known each other for two months and—”

“I
’m sorry? Now it’s ‘we’ve only known each other for two months?’ Weren’t you just the one professing your love for me?”

“I was…I mean, I am. But things can’t be sorted just like that. This isn’t a TV show, Jaylah.”

“Well, I think that settles it then. I’m not about to be your side chick, Johnny. It’s time for you to go.” She sidestepped him to get to the door.

“Jaylah wait—“ He reached
out for her but knocked over the shopping bag instead. Johnny continued talking while he cleaned up its spilled contents. “Divorce is just such a long and messy process, and my family will—“

He froze.
“What’s this?” he asked holding up the pregnancy test.

“
Nothing,” she said, snatching the box out of his hand. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re pregnant?”

“No,” she said, putting some distance between them.

“How do you know? You haven’t taken the test yet.”

“It doesn’t matter. This doesn’t concern you, Johnny.”

A pained expression spread across his face like he’d been slapped. “It doesn’t concern me? How can you
even say that?”

“Look, go home to
your wife and your child.
They’re
your only concern now,” she said on the verge of tears.

He crossed the room and held her. “Jaylah I don’t have a child.”

“What? You said you married your wife because she got pregnant.”

“I did, but she lost the baby.
Things went downhill from there.”

He rubbed her back and for a moment Jaylah relished being so close to him again.
Johnny doesn’t have a child
, she thought, then felt like a heartless bitch for feeling relived the baby didn’t make it into the world. Would it make it easier for him to leave his wife? Her heart hoped so, but her brain couldn’t let her believe it.

“Baby take the test,” he said
, snapping her back to reality. “Please?”

How could she say no?

* * *

Three minutes—a mere one hundred and eighty seconds—was all she had before she knew if her life would change forever.
Against his protests, Jaylah locked herself in the bedroom and refused to let Johnny in; she wanted to find out on her own.

The whole thing seemed totally unreal. Had
she heard this very story about someone else’s life she wouldn’t have believed it. In a matter of just three months Jaylah had been fired, fled to London, stumbled into her dream job, fell in love, and was now clutching a pregnancy test in her sweaty palms hoping it came up negative.

It
reeked of over-the-top, Movie of the Week drama, but this was her life.

“How the fuck did I get here
?” she wondered aloud.

If Mrs. Baldwin could see her baby girl now she’s be so disappointed, Jaylah thought.
Even at 28 her mother’s opinion mattered, and she cringed at the thought of coming home knocked up and alone.

“And by a married man?” Jaylah sucked her teeth and prayed a minus signed appeared.

“You ok in there?” Johnny said, knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”

Jaylah ignored his request and continued to stare at
the timer on her phone. She counted down the seconds and ran through the memories she’d accumulated in the city. Running into Jourdan at the Pret; meeting Faraj at Queen of Hoxton; filing her first article for
Glamour
; meeting Johnny at the Mau Mau Bar; riding the London Eye with Johnny; seeing Fela! with Johnny; making love to Johnny…

“Johnny, Johnny Johnny—what the fuck, Jaylah?” she
chided herself. “Your life is so much more than him. Get a fucking grip!”

The phone buzzed;
it was time.

Jaylah’s hands shook as she stared at the stick trying to make out the results. She grabbed t
he box to reread the directions—just to be sure.

“Plus sign for positive; minus sign for negative” she said
, checking the tiny test one more time.

“This can’
t be right.” She blinked, unable to move while her world tumbled down around her.

Jaylah covered her mouth and sobbed, she didn’t want Johnny busting through the door to save her.
Not now. Not ever. She wept for her dreams, for the carefree life she was supposed to have, and for him.

She shoved the test in her pocket and tried to regain her composure before facing Johnny.
She dabbed her eyes, took several deep breaths, and plastered a smile on her face. When she finally opened the door he leapt to his feet, searching her face for clues.

“Congratulations,” she said
, trying to sound upbeat. “You are not a father!”

For a nanosecond Jaylah thought she saw disappointment scurry across his face
, but she wasn’t certain. “It’s negative?”

“Yes.
Now…I think we’ve had enough excitement for today.”

“Are you ok?” he asked,
taking her hand.

“I’m fine, but y
ou should go.”

He hesitated.
“Are you sure? We still have a lot to figure out, yeah?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think we’re done,” she said hurrying him
to the door.

“Done? What does that mean?”

“It means…have a nice life, Johnny,” she said, closing the door as her eyes filled with tears.

“Jaylah! Jaylah, please. Open the door,” he begged. “Jaylah, please.
Talk to me, baby. Jaylah!”

She
ran back to the bedroom, shut the door, and buried herself under the covers. She didn’t want to hear his pleas, didn’t even want to hear his voice anymore. She couldn’t risk it.

Jaylah
lay in bed bawling; she knew what had to be done.

“For the last time, I can’t have this baby,” Jaylah explained to Jourdan
again.
They’d been debating her options for the last two weeks and she was sick of having the same argument for what felt like the millionth time, especially on their last evening together.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

“What else can I do, Jourdan? I’m carrying a married man’s baby. That’s a no-go.”

“I’m on your side no matter what, but I would hate for you to do something rash just because you’re upset.”

Jaylah loved her friend, but her patience was wearing thin. She didn’t understand why Jourdan couldn’t just take her side and be done with it. Why did she feel the need to ask her a never-ending stream of questions just so Jaylah would give her the same answers?

“I hear you, but I can’t keep it.”

“Are you going to tell him the truth?”

“Have you lost your mind?
Why would I do that?”

“It’s his baby too, Jay. What if it changes things between you
two? Maybe he’ll leave his wife.”

“The last thing I want him to do is leave his wife just because I’m pregnant. If he wanted me, that would have been his first move, not his last,” she said, clearing the dishes.

“I still think you should tell him.”

“For what? I’m not having it, he’d probably just try to change my mind.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?”

“Now I know you’ve had too much to drink,” Jaylah said. “What am I going to do with a baby?”

“Love it! I can help. It would be fun.”

“Then yo
u have a baby,” Jaylah snapped, “This isn’t a pet we’re talking about.”

“I can’t,” Jourdan
whispered.

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t have a baby. I got pregnant when I was 22 and was going to keep it, but I lost the baby. Doctors found out I had Endometriosis.”

“I’ve heard of women who had that and still had babies,” Jaylah said, remorseful she
yelled at Jourdan.

“Yes, but it’s an extremely difficult process
, and more than likely I won’t ever have a child.”

“I’m
so sorry, Jourdan. I’m being such a bitch.”

“No, you’re not. I totally get why you feel the way you do, I just
think you should reconsider. Either way, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, J. I love you,” Jaylah said, hugging her friend. “What am I going to do for a whole month without you?”

“Certainly not go drinking!” Jourdan said chuckling.

After Jourdan left, Jaylah surveyed her flat
. An overwhelming sense of loneliness rained down upon her as she tidied her place and finished packing for her flight the following evening.

Her time in London had been a roller coaster of
extreme emotions—freedom, ecstasy, heartbreak, confusion, love—she was thankful for the brief reprieve her trip to L.A. would provide. Although her new city had quickly become home, Jaylah could not help being haunted by the memories of Johnny that blanketed London like fresh snow.

He
still called, still tried to coax her out of her cocoon of silence with love-laced messages. He had even tried to convince her to buzz him into her flat, but she held steadfast, sticking to her decision to cut him out of her life and move on.

What choice did she have? His marriage left
her few options. Being totally arse over tit was one thing, but to be strung out over a married man? Totally Unacceptable.

Jaylah may not have been able to stop
her thoughts from breaking free and being consumed with Johnny, but she could keep herself from acting on the crushing urge to see him.

* * *

Day 89, my flat

I’m going home tomorrow and I don’t quite know how to feel.
On one hand I’m dreading packing up my place in L.A., the time difference, and 11-hour flight, especially since it seems I’ve been struck with a sudden case of morning sickness. But on the other hand this trip couldn’t have come at a better time.

My relationship with Johnny is Black History, and soon, this baby will be too.

I never thought I’d be one of those women who gets pregnant and then heads to the clinic for an abortion, but here I am.

Does this mean my Goody Two Shoes card is officially null and void?

Jourdan thinks I should tell Johnny about the baby, but what would that solve? In all the messages he’s left he has never once mentioned leaving his wife. Not once. It’s always, “I miss you, baby. I love you. Please give me a chance to work it out. Be patient with me.”

Listen, the flesh is weak and
I almost fell for it, too. But then I remembered I’d be an even bigger fool than I am right now. So I just ignore him, and when I need a fix, I listen to the messages (yes, I kept them. And?)

Even though he lied about being married, I know family means a lot to
him. I know that if I told him about this child he’d leave his wife in an instant to do the honorable (albeit fucked up) thing.

And I don’t want that.

I want Johnny to choose me because he loves me, not because he feels obligated to take care of me like I’m some business asset that needs nurturing.

So I’m keeping my mouth shut and saving us all the extra heartache.

It’s the only choice that makes sense.

xx.

* * *

Jaylah ran around her flat making sure she had everything she needed for her trip home. She checked her purse for her passport, phone, and magazines, then examined the garden door to see if it was locked, made sure all of the windows were shut, and emptied the trash. She gave another quick look around before dragging her suitcase out of the door to hop the Tube to Heathrow.

Three months had elapsed since she first made the journey, but it felt like three years.
Though so much had happened since she’d stumbled into London feeling broken and confused, she’d come full circle—leaving exactly the same way she came.

Jaylah walked up the block struggling to get to the train. As she juggled her suitcase, purse, and backpack, she felt the
impulse to vomit.

“Oh come on, don
’t do this right now,” she pleaded with the child inside her.

She considered running back to her apartment, but
she knew she would never make it. So she settled for the next best option: heaving on the side of the road.

Jaylah spilled the contents of her stomach,
and then leaned against the wall of her complex trying to regain her strength. A cab to Heathrow would cost her nearly £40 and she needed to hurry to the train if she was going to make her flight.

“Jaylah? Are you alright?”
Johnny asked, running to her side.

“I’m fine. Just not feeling that well, that’s all.”

“Here, let me help you up,” he said, pulling her upright.

“Are you stalking me
?”

“I had the day
marked off in my calendar, remember?  I was hoping to catch you before you left.”

“Of course,” she
groaned. “Well, you caught me. I have to get going, though. I gotta catch the train.”

Jaylah took two steps before throwing up again, barely missing Johnny’s shoes.

“Whoa. Are you sure you’re ok? Maybe I should get you to hospital.”

“No, no, I’m fine.
I just need to sit down for a minute.”

He touched her forehead. “
You’re burning up. Let me take you to hospital. Please?”

She shook her head, “
I need to get to the airport or I’m going to miss my flight.”

“At least let me take you.
I can’t let you get on the Tube like this.”

She d
idn’t want to ride with him, but her stomach felt like whatever was left inside was staging a revolt and the jerking of the train would surely spring it free.

“Okay,
” she agreed.

Johnny helped her into the car and threw her luggage
in the trunk. “What time is your flight?”

“Five,” she said, feeling
like she was going to faint.

He checked his watch.
“Ok, that gives us enough time to make a stop.”

“A stop? Johnny, I’m not feeling well, just take me to the airport, please.
If I miss my flight I can’t afford a replacement ticket.”

“Be cool. I’ll get you there, innit? I just want to make sure you’re ok. I can take you to see a
friend of mine, a doctor, he’ll check you out, then we’ll be on our way.”

“I don’t have time to see a doctor
, Johnny. Anyway, I’m fine.”

“Look, the flight staff won’t let you on if you look visibly sick. Maybe he can give you som
ething that will help,” he said. “And if you miss your flight, I’ll cover it, yeah?”

“Fine,” she said, wishing he’d just
shut up and up drive.

Jaylah closed her eyes and pretended to fall asleep, she couldn’t
stomach another one of Johnny’s rambling apologies or pleas for understanding; she was too exhausted to mount a proper defense today.

Johnny
tore through Islington, carefully navigating the mounting afternoon traffic while stealing glances at Jaylah. A few minutes later they pulled up to a quaint office in Camden that looked like it to belonged to storybook character rather than a doctor. An elderly white woman with ashen hair and kind eyes greeted them at the door.

“Hi, we’re here to see Dr. Gupta,” Johnny said,
“I called ahead; he said he’d be able to see us.”

“Oh, you just missed him
. He had an emergency and had to leave in a hurry, but he told me to take a look at you.”

“No
t me,” he said, stepping aside, “Jaylah’s the one I’m concerned about.”

“Come in. Let’s figure out what’s going on,” the woman smiled and motioned for Jaylah to follow her
inside. She turned to Johnny, “have a seat, love. We’ll be right back.”

Jaylah followed the woman into the exam room and
immediately felt nauseous.

“Excuse me, do you have a bucket, uh, just in case?”

The doctor smiled and handed her a plastic container. Jaylah hurled again, draining whatever liquids she’d managed to keep down.

“Hmm, how long have you been vomiting in this manner?”

“A few days,” she said, wiping her mouth.

“
A nasty bug’s been going ‘round. Just yesterday I saw three people who were carrying on like you. Do you have any other symptoms? Coughing? Fever? Aches and chills?”

“I’m not sick,” Jaylah cut in, “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh! How wonderful! Morning sickness, eh? How long have you been going on like this?”

“All week,” Jaylah said, remembering how difficult it had been to get ready for her trip home when every few minutes she felt like she needed to lay down.

“Have you been getting enough liquids? From the looks of things you might have a slight case of dehydration. Let me get you some peppermint tea, it helps.”

“Is there anything I can take to make this go away? I have
a flight to catch this evening.”

“You mean medicine? Oh no. Anything you take will go straight to the baby. Just relax dear, I’ll have yo
u back on your feet in a moment,” she said, patting Jaylah’s hand and leaving the room.

This baby is already slowing me down
, Jaylah thought.
I couldn’t do this for nine whole months.

Despite her decision to terminate the pregnancy, Jaylah’s mind
still tried figure out a way she could keep it. Jourdan would help, and after her parents got over the shock of having a statistic for a daughter they’d get on board too.

But what about Johnny? He was sure to try to see her over the next few as her stomach grew,
what would she say then?

She brushed aside the idea of being a mother, and instead tried to figure out where she’d have an abortion—
back in L.A. or in London? Waiting a month until she returned meant continuing to agonize over her decision and possibly chicken out. But terminating her pregnancy in London meant she wouldn’t have to go through it alone, Jourdan could be by her side.

The elderly doctor returned clutching a mug of tea. “Here you go sweetie.”

“Thank you,” Jaylah said. “When will I be able to leave?”

“Just drink up. We’ll see if you can keep this down
first,” the doctor said. “When you leave be sure to get something with ginger in it—ginger ale, ginger snaps, anything. It helps.”

Jaylah nodded as she continued to sip the steaming
concoction.