Twist of Fate (20 page)

"What's gotten into you?" she asked, yanking her arm out of my grip.

I threw my hands on either side of her face against the wall I had her pinned up against. "Paige, this is driving me crazy. I need to know."

"Know what?"

"How the hell do you feel about me?"
 

"Ben, we've both been drinking. I don't want to do this right now. Can we talk about this later? Please?" I could tell she had something to say, but she kept looking around at this dirty hole in the wall, avoiding looking at me, but I could see the pain in her eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, because I knew what's she'd been through. Sometimes I wished I never kissed her, that way I could at least have her in my life as a friend. Looking into her eyes, I wasn't sure if she wanted me as much as I wanted her, and God help me I did. And, I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was love with her. That I'd do anything to make her feel the same way.

I pushed off the wall, letting my fingers graze her cheek. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say." I walked out of the bar without stopping, even though Tommy and Jack yelled for me to come back. I was walking home tonight, and I didn't give a shit.

PAIGE

Chapter 25

Three more weeks had gone by. Tommy had come over to check on me to see if I was holding up alright. I was caught off guard by Ben when he flat out asked me how I felt about him. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I didn't want it to be in that dive bar, and we'd both been drinking. I thought he would have come to me by now, but he hadn't. Tommy told me he was miserable, and hitting the books hard, and had even blown off several attempts of hooking up, which secretly made me feel a lot better.

But, I needed to see him somehow.
 

I wanted him in my life. I had finally decided I was willing to forgive his prior discrepancies as long as he could promise not to string me along. Also, I decided I couldn't let my fear of Carson and what he might do stand in the way of my happiness. And Ben was the only one that made me happy. He could always make me smile, even when I didn't want to.

It was Sunday, and I was getting my toes done, when my phone dinged. Caroline and Ellie wanted to meet for lunch when I was done. To Ellie's credit she'd tamed down some since we'd started hanging more with Caroline. Caroline lived on the first floor. We met when she came into my yoga class one morning, and I recognized her from the laundry room. We'd hit it off instantly.
 

We were chowing down on Chic-fil-A when I felt a total melt down coming out of the blue. Well, not out of the blue, Michele and her friends were a few tables away, which reminded me of Ben.

They both looked at me, giving me these knowing glances. "Would you just call him?"

I shook them off. "Nope. I can't. Not after seeing his face when I couldn't answer him."

Ellie dipped her nugget into the honey mustard. "And, why are you not telling him again"

I shrugged. "It's just easier. Ben is one of those guys that if you hurt him, you'll never see him again. I'm scared. What if he says no? What if I blew it?" I had every intention on calling him to tell him that I wanted to risk it, but then I got to thinking about being rejected, and losing his friendship. Although, lately it felt like I lost that too.

"But, you have hurt him, and he still comes around."

I took a quick sip out of the straw. "Because he has to. I go with the whole Tommy package."

"Forget it. Let's forget this conversation happened." I turned to Caroline. "What are your plans tonight?"

"Are you kidding? I have three exams this week. I'll be studying."

I turned to Ellie. "What about you, El?"

"Well," she said scooting her chair a little closer. "I have a date. An actual going out to dinner and a movie date."

"With who?" We both asked together.

"This really cute boy Bobby, that I met at the pool last week. He called me today."

I glared at her, but smiled. She held her hands up. "I know, Paige. I'm not going to sleep with him on the first date."

"Well, good. Because I have crap to do tonight, so don't bring him back with you. I'm renting a movie, and going to bed early."

Ellie smiled wickedly at me, leaving me wondering what she was up to. "Whatever you say."

A fresh bowl of popcorn, and a beer at my side, I hit play to start season two of True Blood. I swore that whoever came up with this was a crazy genius for writing these characters. And the sex was so hot, you felt like you were watching a damn porno, which made me frown, knowing that I was watching porn alone.

Fifteen minutes into Pam lashing out at Eric, there was a tap at the door. I threw the blankets off my bed, yanking it open. "Did you forget your CAT card again, Ellie?"

Ben was standing there with his head resting against the doorframe when I opened it. "Oh, um, hey," I said, trying to figure out why he was there.
 

"Can I come in?"

I opened the door wider. "Of course. I was just watching T.V." And as if on a cue, the sound of Sookie and Bill having crazy vampire sex amplified through my room.
 

He peeked over my shoulder, raising his eyebrows. "I didn't think you were the porn type?"

I punched him in his arm. "I'm not. Now what's up?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could.

He sighed, repeating my question. "What's up?" But, when he said it, he sounded so defeated. "I heard you were alone tonight. I thought maybe we could try something."

I took a few steps toward my bed after turning True Blood off, then sat down on the edge. "Okay, what did you want to try?"

He walked in, sitting right next to me, resting his hand on my knee. "I want to try being friends, Paige. I miss the hell out of you, and I don't know. I've been kind of miserable without you."

I lifted his hand, placing it mine, nudging him softly. "Me too."

He gave me a quick, soft smile then scooted back against the wall. "Do you have any beer?"

I grabbed one out of the mini fridge, then handed it to him. "Have you ever seen True Blood before?"

He shook his head. "No, but I heard of it."

I threw my pillow against the bed frame, and scooted back to it. "Come on, watch it with me?"

His head hung low for a second, and I could hear him let out a loud breath, "Okay." I hit play again as he sat down next to me.

I was not even paying attention to the time, but we watched four episodes together. Each one, the sex scenes got raunchier, and I could tell Ben was a little uncomfortable, or maybe it was just that I was, so I assumed he was too.

"I'm beat," he said, throwing his arm over his face. He was lying down next to me, our shoulders touching, but that was as far as it got tonight. We didn't spoon, or touch hands, we just laid there next to each other through each episode.

"Do you want to stay?"

He stopped moving instantly when I asked, but I could tell he wasn't sure. "Do you want me to stay?"
 

I rolled over, wrapping my arm around him. "Yeah, I do. I miss my friend." I snuggled up closer, stuffing my face into his shoulder. After a few minutes, I finally felt his arm go around me, tugging me in tighter. He started to laugh softly.
 

"What's so funny?"

"I can't believe I just spent four hours watching soft porn with a girl and didn't even get to first base."

I sat up a little, resting on my elbow. "It's not really porn. It's just vampires and stuff."

He looked over to me slightly smiling. "I'm dying to ask you something. I've wanted to for so long."

"What?"

"Don't get mad?"

"What is it, Ben?"

He guided me up so we were both sitting. "Did you ever...y'know use the All-American Whopper?"

"Oh, my God!" I yelled out, smacking him. I couldn't believe he just asked me that. He laughing hysterically, as I desperately tried not to laugh with him. This was exactly what I missed, and craved from him. It felt like we'd never separated, we never stopped being close. And, I loved when he smiled at me. It did something to my insides that I couldn't even explain to myself.

His eyebrows raised. "So, no then?" He asked, hesitantly.

I glared at him.
 

"Alright, I got it. You never used it. But, I still don't get why she sent you one if you weren't going to use it."

I swallowed, looking away, embarrassed. He yanked my hand away from my face, holding my chin with his fingers. "What is it? You can tell me."

"You promise not to laugh at me."

He grinned, nodding, and I could tell he was most definitely looking forward to my answer.

I started to turn away, but he swings around to stay in front of me. "If you want to know, don't look at me right now."

"Okay," he turned his back to me. And I could tell he was laughing.

"I've never had an orgasm," I blurted out.

His shoulders stopped moving, the laughing halted. You could hear a pin drop.
 

He turned instantly to me.
 
"What? Are you serious?"

I shrugged like it was no big deal.
 

"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard, P." His face took on a serious expression, as he continued his staring. Gently he pushed the hair from my face, his fingers so soft gliding over my shoulder, that I got lost in the moment. He shifted closer to me, his mouth so close to mine, I could feel the warmth of his breath. He studied my face, running his fingers through my hair, then leaned the extra inch to kiss me.
 

Suddenly, I pushed him away.
 

"I can't." I said, mortification seeping through me.

"Why not?"

"Because you're my friend."

"Exactly, you'll be more comfortable.
 
I'm not taking no for an answer P. It's just... It's just so sad, I guess." He grabbed me shoulders, pushing me down. "I promise I'll take of you, you don't even need to worry about me."

I sat up on my elbows. "We can't. I won't be able to look at you the same ever again."

"Why not?"

"Because it'll be uncomfortable for me."

"Why? I see girls I've slept with all the time. It's not uncomfortable for me."

I huffed out of my irritation at his remark.
 

A few minutes later, and a whole lot of emotions ran across Ben's face, he just laid back down, pulling me with him.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to lie next to you knowing you've never been satisfied. I want to show you how good it feels, Paige." He sighed, staring at the ceiling with this hands folded beneath his head.

"Can you just be my friend right now, and hold me?"

He snuggled me in closer, without saying a word. As I felt his lips touch the top of my head with a kiss, I knew I'd let him show me someday. It was just not going to be tonight. When he felt sorry for me, I wanted more than just a one night stand-I wanted his heart too.

***

At least twenty of us checked into our reserved rooms at the Hilton in South Padre Island for Spring Break. I was sharing a room with Ellie and Caroline. One of the things I loved about Caroline was how she was super sweet, and she had not slept with one Pi Kapp. I never had the heart to ask her about the other houses, since she didn't offer any information up. I figured she'd tell me if she wanted to. But, something about knowing that she wasn't one of Ben's conquests made me feel better.

"Okay, ladies, which one for the first day on the beach. I want to look irresistible." Ellie held up two different suits. One was a skimpy black one, and the other was bright red with white polka dots all over it.
 

Caroline and I both pointed to the black one. "Black it is." She hurried to the bathroom to change. Caroline and I had been waiting on her for an hour to hit the beach. The guys had already gone the minute we opened the door. They didn't even unpack. The whole plane ride the guys talked about how many girls were going to be down here, the hook up plans, and betting who was going to bring someone back before the other one. Not once did Ben jump in their conversation.
 

Over the last few weeks, Ben and I resumes acting like best friends, and nothing more. He stopped hooking up with random girls, but promised me it had nothing to do with me. He was just sick of it. Even the times he crashed at my dorm, not once did he try anything. Which kind of sucked, but since it was fault I had no one to blame but myself.

Once we stepped through the doors, the hot air greeted us. The outside was flooded with so many people that I knew it was going to be impossible to find Tommy and Ben. I had never in my life been around so many beautiful girls in one place. There were hundreds upon hundreds running around, playing chicken in the pool. More were flooding to the beach. I quickly looked down at my bathing suit, and felt like going back upstairs to change.
 

Caroline grabbed my hand. "You look hot. Don't worry." She gave a light squeeze then pulled me onto the walkway. Ellie was practically jogging a few feet ahead of us, drool spilling out of her mouth. Every few seconds she'd turn around and mouth to us, "Oh, my God." The three of us decided to hit the beach for the first few hours to work on our tan, then we'd hit the pool to check out the four o'clock wet T-shirt contest. Ellie was thinking of entering to win the hundred bucks that was being offered up.