Two Steps Back

Two Steps Back

a novel

Britni Danielle

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2014
Britni Danielle
 

All rights reserved.

This book
, or any portion thereof, may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

www.BritniDanielle.com

B
ooks by Britni Danielle
:

Turn It Loose

Two Steps Back

Bad Dates & Other Disasters Vol. 1

Bad Dates & Other Disasters Vol. 2

Break Out of Your Box

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To everyone
who ever encouraged this dream: thank you.

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love
is a growing up.”

-
James Baldwin

One

“What do you mean you’re pregnant?” Mrs. Baldwin glared at her daughter like Jaylah had
declared she was swapping Jesus for Satan. “Please tell me this is some kind of joke.”

Jaylah wished it were a trick. She wished she could yell, “
Sike,
” just as terror crept across her mother’s flawless face causing it to crinkle in delight as the pair dissolved into a cacophony of giggles. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a prank. Jaylah had fled to London to find herself and had come back a damn statistic.

I guess what they say is true,
she thought,
freedom isn’t ever really free.
Jaylah had paid dearly in weeks of exhaustion and morning sickness for a pregnancy she wasn’t even sure she wanted to keep.

“How did this happen?” Mrs. Baldwin
asked, incredulous. Jaylah shot her mother a look.
Are you serious?

Her mother’s eyes bore
into her demanding an answer, and Jaylah threw her hands up in surrender.

“It just
happened.”

Jaylah
didn’t want to argue with her mother, she was no match for Sarah anyway, especially now when she just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for two days straight.

“So while you were traipsing around
England being footloose and fancy free you couldn’t bother to protect yourself?”

All Jaylah could muster was a meager shrug.
“We used condoms, mother. But apparently they aren’t foolproof.”

Mrs. Baldwin paced around
the well-appointed living room, stopping at the granite mantle to mumble to herself like she was attempting to calm down. Jaylah knew her mother was pissed and trying her hardest not to go off on her only child, but she didn’t care. Not anymore. After years of living up to her parents’ near-perfect expectations, Jaylah had finally found her own groove in London. Unfortunately, it came with a baby and boyfriend who lied about his wife.

“And who is this guy? Please tell me you know who my grandchild’s father is.”

Jaylah rolled her eyes so hard she thought they’d shoot out of her skull. She may have gone and gotten herself knocked up, but she wasn’t showing up on Maury Povich’s stage anytime soon.

“Of course I know who he is
.”

“Good.” Mrs. Baldwin
mother tapped a finger to her chin and Jaylah knew the wheels of her mind were whirling with a plan. “Well, let’s see. You’ll move home, have the baby, and your father and I will help you out while you look for another job and get back on your feet.”

“I have a job at
Glamour
, remember?”

“They’ll let you keep
writing from here? Wonderful!”

Jaylah
closed her eyes and rubbed her temples; she was starting to get annoyed. She’d allowed her parents free-reign to plan her life before, but at 28 and pregnant, the rules had changed. This time, she couldn’t just sit back and be bossed.

“No mom, I’ll be going back to London in a few weeks
. Besides, I don’t even know what I want to do about the baby yet.”

Mrs. Baldwin
spun on her heels and glowered at her daughter.  “What did you just say?”

Jaylah cleared her throat and instantly felt like her
t-shirt was a straight jacket squeezing all the air out of her lungs. She had never defied her parents, had never gone against their wishes, even in the most benign situations. But this was different; she wasn’t about to allow herself to be guilted into having a baby—not by Johnny, or Jourdan, or even her mother.

“I’m not sure I’m having this baby,” she said, finding her voice.

Mrs. Baldwin’s eyes went wide. “Is that what that man is telling you to do? Kill my grandchild?”

“No, he ac
tually wants me to have it.”

Mrs. Baldwin blew out a puff of pint-up air.
“At least one of you has some sense. I raised you better than this, Jaylah. You get pregnant, you deal with the consequences.”

“This isn’t some afterschool special, mom.
And I’m not a dopy teenager who got knocked up after the prom. I’m 28, and for the first time
ever
I’m enjoying my life. I’m not sure I’m ready to trade it all in for a baby.”

Jaylah’s mother opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it. She crossed the room to the wet bar and poured herself a
quarter of wine. She took a long, lingering sip, and then swished the dark liquid around in the crystal glass.

“
Being a mother is the greatest job you’ll ever have. You will cherish every minute of it, even when your baby breaks your heart.” She drained the wine in two large gulps, then turned to her daughter. “I trust you’ll do the right thing, Jay Jay.”

Jaylah
watched her mother sashay out of the room, and let her words wash over her.

Do the right thing.

Jaylah wondered how four simple words could add up to such a conundrum. If she knew what the right thing was she would have made up her mind to do it before she left London, before getting on the plane, before telling Johnny to
please, please, please
stop pressing her for an answer about their future.

If she knew what the right thing was she’d gladly do it, but that just wasn’t the case.

Jaylah retreated to her childhood bedroom and curled up on the bed. The walls were still her favorite shade of purple, the ceiling was still peppered with the glow-in-the-dark stars she’d put in the fourth grade, and her TLC and Fugees posters still clung to the walls. Artifacts from her old self stared Jaylah in the face, but it felt like she was looking at someone else’s life.

Everything was so damn simple
then
, she thought.
I wish I could hit the rewind button and go back because this shit right here is HARD.

Jaylah
needed time—preferably years—to sort this all out, but with a child growing inside her, she knew she’d have to make up her mind—fast.

Two

The alarm rang, startling Jaylah awake. She fumbled through the darkness to grab the phone before it screeched any louder, but by the time she located it the thing was beep-beep-beeping so vociferously she thought it would wake up the whole house. Jaylah swiped the kill switch, and then blinked rapidly to adjust her eyes to the darkness and make out the time: 11 p.m.

She
did the math in her head, adding eight hours to account for the difference in time zones before calling him. She hadn’t talked to Johnny since she’d gotten back to Los Angeles two days ago. All she’d sent was a text message saying she made it safely and would speak to him soon. They’d traded voicemails, but between readjusting to Pacific Standard Time, and her propensity to slip into a pregnancy-induced coma, they had failed to connect.

The phone rang a handful of times before
going to voicemail. Johnny’s accented baritone kissed her ear and caused her to smile in spite of herself. Even though their relationship hovered somewhere between totally committed and don’t ever call me again, his voice still made her knees wobble—just a little.

  Jaylah left yet another polite message before dialing her best friend.

“Jaaaaaaaaaylaaaaaaah,” Jourdan sang into the phone instead of saying
hello. “You know I’m upset with you. I take it you’ve made it safely and didn’t land on some deserted island in the Pacific.”

Jaylah rolled her eyes and chuckled. “We didn’t fly over the Pacific, silly.
Anyway, I can’t manage to stay awake long enough to actually call anyone. Apparently this child is not only eating all of my food, but zapping my energy too.”

“How is my little ni
ece or nephew?”

“I
told you not to get too attached. I still don’t know if I’m having it.”

“Whatever. We both know you are.”

Jaylah sat up in bed and glanced down at her stomach. “I’m not convinced, but you can add my mother to the list of those lobbying for me to keep it,” Jaylah let out a heavy sigh. “I told her.”

“See! You’re totally havi
ng this baby! How’d she take it?”

“Well, let’s see. First she basically called me a whore and
asked if I knew who the father was, then she informed me I’m moving home and she and my father will help me raise the baby.”

“So it went well, did it?” Jourdan chortled.

“Ehh, she didn’t curse me out or slap me, so I guess so.”

“Great! But Jay, tell your
mum she can’t have you back. It’s my turn. You’re coming back to London in a few weeks, yeah?”

“Yup, with or without a baby.”

“Definitely with. Look, I need to get my ass in gear if I’m going to catch the Tube and make it to work on time. I went out last night, and lets just say I’m still a little tipsy.”

“Sounds like fun. I
could use a drink right about now.”

“Don’t worry, I had enough for the both of us. I’ll call you later
, yeah?”

“Ok
ay. Love you, J.”

“Love you too, Jay.”

Fully awake, Jaylah sat in bed trying to think of something other than food. At the rate she was going, she thought the baby would push her body over the edge from curvaceous to gigantic before her second trimester. But after minutes of listening to her stomach grumble, Jaylah got up and wandered into the kitchen for a snack.

R
esistance was futile; score one for the kid.

She
rummaged through the refrigerator and cupboards looking for something that wouldn’t come roaring back up her throat soon after eating it, and settled on a glass of flat 7-Up and a handful of graham crackers. As she munched on the sweet treats, her mind wandered to Johnny. Despite telling him that she needed time to figure things out, before she left London he’d doted on her like an ecstatic husband happily awaiting the birth of his first child.

And he was;
only he wasn’t
her
husband.

Jaylah grabbed her phone and decided to try him again, hopeful that a
couple dozen minutes would garner a different response than last time. She checked the time, it was just after 7:30 a.m. in London, and from the weeks they’d spent cohabiting in her flat she knew he should be wrapped in a towel shaving the hairs that dared to sprout up on his smooth face.

The phone rang and Jaylah
twirled a piece of hair around her finger trying to organize what she would say. She ached to be curled up next to Johnny, his arms draped around her just so, but that would only complicate things, and make it harder for her to think straight about her own future, let alone theirs.

“Jaylah?” Johnny
sighed into the phone like he’d been holding his breath too long.

“Hey. Getting ready for work?”

“You know it. Just putting my shirt on. I’ve got to hurry, I have a meeting this morning.” He dropped his voice to a sexy whisper. “You okay? I miss you, babes.”

A
ripple traveled straight up Jaylah’s thigh to her belly. She knew it wasn’t the baby; it was him, always him. He could turn her on with the twist of a simple phrase.

“I’m fine. Just been really, really tired. I think I’ve been
asleep since I got here.”

“Get all the rest you need. I wish I could be there to help you move. Please don’t
over exert yourself, okay?”

She brushed his concern aside. “I’ve got it covered, my parents are helping me and I’ve hired
a couple of movers.”

“Good.
I was thinking, maybe I should fly out there one weekend so we can tell your parents about—“

“They already know,”
Jaylah cut him off. “I was exhausted and throwing up like a drunk and my mother kept hounding me to go see a doctor. So I just came out with it.”

“How’d they take it?”

“Well, my mother thinks you’re the only one with any sense.”

“Me? How so?”

“She launched into her plan—move home so she and my father can swoop into action and help me with the baby.”

“That’s not even an option, right?”

“Not at all. I told her I wasn’t even sure I was having this baby, and—“

“Jaylah, please don’t—“

“What?” She crossed her arms defiantly even though she was in the kitchen alone. “I’m not. And nobody is going to rush me on this.”

Johnny
let out a long, exasperated breath. “Fine, but you know what I want. I want you and our baby.”

“Anyway.” Jaylah refused
to acknowledge his statement. “She said you were the only one with any sense because you want me to have it. She said I need to ‘accept the consequences,’ as if having a baby is akin to being grounded. Can you believe her?”

Johnny was silent. Jaylah knew he agreed with her mother, knew he wanted her to have this baby, their baby. But she
still wasn’t convinced.

Jaylah heard a woman’s voice in the background.
Is that the TV? Johnny hates listening to the news in the morning,
she thought. But the woman’s voice grew louder.

“Who is that?”
Jaylah pressed her ear to the receiver and realized the voice was calling Johnny’s name, asking him, “Coffee or tea.”

“Who is what?” he said, seemingly unaware she could hear the voice.

“That woman, in the background. I thought you were at home.”

“I am,” he swallowed audibly, “it’s Fiona.”

“Fiona,
your wife
? I thought she was in Scotland?”

“She was until yesterday—“

“How convenient. I leave and she slips right back in. Is this how it’s going to go, Johnny? Tag, she’s it?”

“Calm down, Jaylah
. It’s not even like that. Nothing happened, or will happen.”

Jaylah smacked her teeth and paced around the kitchen.
Fucking Fiona
, she thought to herself,
Johnny thinks he’s slick.

“Look, you have a good time with your wife. Bye Johnny,” she said, but
paused to hear his response.

Could he
explain why his soon-to-be-ex-wife was making him coffee despite the fact they’d decided to divorce?

Or had they?

The thought shot through her brain.
He could be lying about that as well.

“Jaylah, please. I didn’t even know she was coming back. She showed up last night and—“

“And you couldn’t tell her to leave? Are you even getting divorced, or what? Is this some sort of elaborate scheme to keep us both? I know your African ass isn’t trying to turn me into a second wife!”

As soon as the words crossed her lips Jaylah
regretted hurling such an ugly stereotype, but every nerve in her body felt like a balled up fist ready to strike.

Jaylah
was crazy about Johnny. She longed to be with him—despite his wife, despite the baby—and it terrified her. If she was willing to overlook his lie, what else would she eventually turn a blind eye to?

Wasn’t the saying, “How you got him, is how you’ll lose him”?

Even though she’d just left the comfort of his chest days before and was carrying his child, would Jaylah eventually end up losing him to another woman, or worse, his wife?

“Johnny, how do I know this whole thing isn’t just some temporary affair?
How do I know you won’t magically get back together if she wants to work it out? I mean, is that why she’s back?”

She could picture him rubbing his eyes like he always did when she flew into one of her hormone-induced fits. “It’s not. And
we’re not working anything out. This is her home too, Jaylah.”

“
Whatever,” she spat. “When is she leaving?”

“She says she’s not.”

“Okay, when are
you
moving then?”

“I don’t kno
w. My townhouse has two bedrooms. I was thinking, I can just stay in the guestroom until I find something more permanent.”

Jaylah looked at her phone
.
Is he for real?

“Absolutely not.”

“Jaylah, apartments take time to find and—“

“Ab-so-lute-ly not!” she repeated, this time stretching the words out fo
r emphasis. “If you stay there I swear this whole thing is over. I’m not about to try to figure out what to do about this baby
and
worry about you sleeping with your wife. I refuse!”

“I’m not
sleeping with her, Jaylah. I just need some time to sort out a place to stay. You already know the divorce is happening. You went with me to the solicitor.”

She sucked her teeth again.
“What does that have to do with the price of tea in China, Johnny?”

“I’m sorry, w
hat?”

“Look, move out of there by the end of the week or you can forget about us. Period.”

“Just like that?” he asked in disbelief.

“
Just like that.”

Jaylah hung up the phone without saying goodbye or
even uttering another word. Her mind was made up. Johnny could not, under any circumstance, live with his wife. She understood this probably made her sound unreasonable and totally insecure. But Jaylah was not about to be played for a fool by the only man she’d ever truly loved.

The stakes were just too high.