Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2) (7 page)

Why? Why isn’t it as obvious to him as it is to me that we have something that could be more, so much more. All I want is for him to be open to the possibility that this has become more than what we intended when we made our agreement. That maybe, just maybe, this could be love. One sided? Most likely. But love just the same.

And now I sound like a cheesy version of a
Dirty Dancing
song.

Staring at Tyler, it’s clear he has no idea how much anxiety beats in my chest and how every word we haven’t said these last six months took pieces of me.

In a huffed breath, he lets out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head, unable to say anything more.

My legs start shaking. Breathing too fast, the action too much, my heart threatening to give out. “Seriously, Tyler,
what
does all of this mean to you?”

There’s a deep inhale, his chest expanding. He’s studying me and gauging my words and reaction to this. I do my best not to give away anything, but I’m sure I fail miserably. “Why does it have to mean anything? We didn’t go into this looking for it to mean something. We went into it looking to have fun. We both agreed. Now you’re looking for a definition I can’t give you and it’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t change the game. You did. I didn’t go into this looking to fall in love. Had I, sure, maybe it could have turned into something more. But I didn’t and you knew that, Raven. I just don’t understand why you’re trying to find a bigger meaning in something so simple.”

I can’t meet his eyes when I say, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of clarity.”

His teeth grind, his swallow rolling over this throat. “Is that what this is? You’re gonna be gone during the week so you’re feeling insecure? Don’t be. We started with you being gone during the week. Nothing needs to change and this isn’t a matter of me not falling in love with you.” His body remains rigid, his face impassive. He’s putting up a shield, guarding himself from giving away too much. “It’s about me not falling in love, period. End of story. I don’t want love. I’m not looking for it. It’s something I told you from the very beginning I didn’t want in my life.”

“Okay, fine.” There is a tightness in my chest I don’t understand as the words spill from my lips. Biting the inside of my cheek, blood pools in my mouth. I force myself to stay calm and not let him see how his words are chipping away at my already fractured heart.

Standing from the bed, I reach for my clothes on the floor.

“I’m not trying to be a dick, Raven.” He moves in front of me, refusing to let me get out of his room. “I like my life the way it is. This isn’t about you and me. Please understand that.”

His voice is pleading. I have to believe him. There’s so much vulnerability in his voice. “So, while I’m away… you’re planning on having sex with whoever you feel like?” I’m searching for meaning.

“I haven’t thought about it.” I can see it written all over his face. It’s in the pull of his brow. He honestly hasn’t yet. Part of me is thankful for that.

“I just—” I don’t even know what I’m trying to say now.

“Come on, let’s not fight about this. We don’t fight. We have fun.” He cups my cheek, his thumb dragging over my lip when he pulls me in. It’s relaxing in a sense because the last thing I want to do is fight with him. “Why can’t we just enjoy the moment that we have now? Stop worrying about what will happen once you’re not here every day.” He watches my face close, the desperation to change the situation clear. “Come here.”

I do as he says, our chests touching, my emotions all over the place. Once our bodies are coming together, he turns me around so my back is to his chest. His breathing changes, his heart thumping between my shoulder blades and I know then this, us being together, is having some sort of effect on him. Maybe that’s why he’s doing it, making me stand this way. He knows if I could see his face, I would be able to see the truth. Whether it’s because he’s trying to protect me or hide from me is what I don’t quite know.

Breathing in deeply, his chest expands into me.

His hand glides across my stomach until he reaches my thighs.

He moves us to the bed with me lying on top of him, my back still pressed to his chest. With heavy breaths in my ear, his hand moving lower until his thumb drags over my clit. “Just relax. Enjoy the moment. Let me take care of you,” he breathes out as two fingers slide into me. His left hand moves from my hip to my neck, squeezing and angling my head back so he can kiss my neck.

Arching my back into him, his hips raise at the contact my ass makes with his erection. Every time he touches me my heart races erratically, uncontrollably and I find it hard to catch my breath.

Reaching up to grab a fistful of his hair behind me, I cry out when his teeth sink into my shoulder. I need more. Never before has this ache been so intense. When he moves, thrusting his hips up and dragging my ass against his erection, I search for friction as his fingers continue to move inside me.

There’s a heat between us, stronger than the sultry haze in the room as I squirm on top of him. My reactions, my moans of pleasure spark a response in him, his left hand slowly moving back down to squeeze my hip.

With him hard between the cheeks of my ass, his mouth on the back of my neck goes wild with heavy kisses as his groans of pleasure pass over my skin.

And all I can do is remember to breathe and say his name, and when I’m so, so close, I tell him and his mouth bites down on my shoulder again, muffling his groan. He’s rubbing and stroking with his talented fingers, and then I’m panting and crying out with my release at his touch. He covers the sounds with his hand that was on my hip, his fingers inside my mouth. I suck on them, my tongue swirling around his fingers, sucking them like I would his dick. His hands are all man, calloused edges of a roughened mechanic, the faintest hints of grease and oil on my tongue. It’s a harsh comfort being held captive at the hands of this man, rugged and raw.

His hips jerk, thrilling movements that push me over the edge again with every sensation-soaked arch of my back.

When we part, I sit up, straddling his lap and look over my shoulder at him. The look on his face is one of hunger. While my need has been met, his is still very much there.

I twist around and face him, my hands resting on his chest. His breath speeds as he watches my hand glide down his forearms. Taking a shuddering breath, his eyes close when my I palm his erection.

“Fuck, I have to be inside you. Now.” His mouth finds mine, unable to part from me.

My kisses ask unspoken questions. I can’t help it.

He offers nothing but hunger and passion, two things he’s always shown me.

He moves us back, lying me down on the bed, his hands cradling my head. Deepening the kiss, he groans and presses me into the mattress. My body tenses, my arms stiff, wrapping around him. It’s then he remembers the condom and draws back once more.

I’m in the middle of his bed when he’s crawling back on after putting a condom on. Grabbing me by the ankles, he slides me underneath him. Lifting my right leg, he enters me in one swift, brazen move.

Just when I think it will be like every other time and I’m waiting for the more dominate side of Tyler, I’m shown something else entirely.

His hand that’s on my hip moves to cradle my head, his grip never tightening as he threads his fingers in my hair. Tenderly, his lips cover mine, breathing the words, “Don’t think,” against them.

Our gaze locks and then falls away as he deepens the kiss again. Thrusting inside me, I can understand what he’s trying to do. Make me see that despite me not getting what I wanted, he’s giving me what he can. He cares. It’s just the place in his life where it’s not right. I get that.

Threading my fingers through his hair, I try to give him what I can. My understanding.

His tongue slides across my collarbone, my legs lifting to wrap around his waist.

He shudders, his hands in my hair. Kissing down my neck, he rocks into me with slow languid movements that set my nerves a blaze.

Drawing back, he swallows, his chest heaving with a breath, the muscles in his throat working. “God,
Raven
.”

He doesn’t last long and I’m not surprised. All I can do is lie there and feel him because it’s the best fucking thing I ever felt, being with him like this.

“Raven,” he whispers again, his lips close to my ear. It’s two more thrusts inside me before his body shakes, his mouth returning against my lips as we share breaths. His hands, his lips, the ones that have touched me so intensely over the last few months, hold me in place.

Breathing heavily against my ear, he holds himself still, gripping my hips so hard they begin to hurt.

I let my hand drift up to the side of his face, running my fingertips along the edge of his cheek. For a spilt second, his eyes open to me. I want to see warmth and connection reach his eyes, and when I don’t see it, a hint of fear pricks at my skin because all that’s there is sadness. His lids fall shut again as he kisses me harder.

He slows it down and he kisses me softly, pouring emotions he says he doesn’t have into them. Under the sadness, there’s vulnerability he doesn’t want.

Rolling off me, he lies on the bed, breathing heavily.

I sit up, curling into myself and then he’s sitting up too, his hands resting on his bare legs. That intense stare lingers on me, as does the confusion. Running his hand over the back of his neck, there’s hesitation in his movements. “Raven,” he whispers, the lowness hitting my stomach with the fragile way I’m holding onto his expression. “I know when you leave this room you’re going to pick apart everything that’s been said and in doing that, you’re going to focus on me telling you I didn’t want anything but sex.” He leans in enough for his lips to meet my forehead, his grip around my waist tightening. “But what I want you to understand, no, I need you to understand, it’s not that I can’t fall in love, it’s that I don’t want to. Yeah, another time, another place, maybe things could’ve been different and believe me, hands down, Raven, it would have been you, but it’s just not who I am. What we have right now, this is all I can give. I’m sorry if that’s not enough.”

Reality crashes down on me like a wrench straight to my temple. A wave of heat hits me, this one humiliation because like it or not, I’m emotionally invested.

Stupid girl.

I turn away, my eyes on the wall because I’m about to cry. I know he cares about me but what we’re doing doesn’t matter to him in the same way it does to me.

To him it’s sex. Always will be.

He kisses the spot between my shoulders and then the back of my neck.

Goose bumps shiver over my skin. “I have to go. I’m heading to Eugene in the morning. My classes start tomorrow.” My voice breaks apart, much like my heart. “I’ll be back on Friday though.”

Blinking at my words, he turns me around, his eyes on mine. I don’t recognize the expression on his face. It’s one I’ve never seen before. Regret? Doubtful.

“I’m looking forward to it.” A smile plays at his lips, and though it’s a familiar sight, one I’ve seen often these last few months, something seems different about it. He leans toward me, kissing the shell of my ear. With his hands on my shoulders, he pulls away.

Removing my hand from around his neck, he kisses the knuckles of my right hand and touches my face with the other.

My stomach twists the moment I’m out the door because I know what’s happening, I’m falling for him and the gutting reality is he isn’t, nor will he let himself.

“So….” Lenny begins. Her eyes widen when I glance over at her. “Red knows about you and Tyler.” Lenny is Red’s girlfriend and she’s quickly become my best friend. I tell every single shitty thing about my life to her. Naturally, she was the only one outside of me and Tyler who knew we’d been hooking up.

“Red knows?” I gasp, my hand over my heart. It’s pounding so hard, so fast, I think it’s going to pop out of my chest. “Is Tyler still alive?”

When I left the apartment this morning I went back home to get the rest of my clothes I’ll need for the week and then over to Red’s house to talk to Lenny. It’s been something like five hours since I saw Tyler; he could very well be dead by now if Red knows.

“As far as I know, for now,” Lenny tells me, digging through the cupboards at Red’s house for the tequila. Nova’s at her feet asking if she can have some. “They’re apparently at the bar. He heard you arguing this morning and I did my best to distract him but he’s not stupid.”