Unbeautifully Loved (Breathe Again) (2 page)

Never.

It was just after midnight when I looked at the clock on the dash. As I raised my arms up to stretch them out, I felt just how tight and exhausted my body was. My eyes were heavy and burning in need of sleep. God knows how many days I’d missed since we left our last place in Yorkton.

We couldn’t stay there any longer.

Now we were in Camden.

Camden, Alberta was place number six in the last eight months. Part of me was hoping it was the last because I was getting tired of it. Tired of everything, but I knew this was just going to be another pit stop along the way to the unknown. We’d been all over the country from one town or city to another. Only in each place a few weeks, no longer than two months before packing and leaving.

It had already taken its toll emotionally and now it was starting too physically. I was sure I’d dropped some weight since everything began. But I couldn’t worry about myself, not now and not yet. I turned off the car then turned around in my seat and looked back at the only person who would ever matter.

He was slouched to the side, his head resting on his shoulder fast asleep. Finn’s shaggy dirty blonde hair fell down to just above his eyes, his lips slightly parted. I was lucky that all the moving around was exciting for him, being four it was like a huge adventure and he loved every minute of it.

How I wished I could think the same.

Finn was my whole life, nothing else mattered but him and his safety; the only thing on my mind, not just for the past eight months but since the day I held him in my arms at the hospital. That day I became a mother, a mother who would do anything to protect her flesh and blood, whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice and there was sacrifices made and not just by me.

Bright lights flashed behind me before the car pulled in front of me and parked. I looked at it for a second and when it turned off I took one last look at Finn before opening my door and hopping out of my jeep, quietly so I wouldn’t wake him.

“How cute is this place!” I looked over in the direction of my best friend Mollie, who, like me, looked exhausted and could sleep for day’s maybe even weeks.

Mollie and I were the same, five foot six only I was curvier than her slim figure. We’d been driving for days but even in her black sweats that hung low on her hips that were tucked into a pair of Uggs, and her favorite white hoodie that was no way too big on her and her face make up free, she still looked gorgeous.

“Have you taken a look inside yet?” Mollie asked as she walked up next to me.

“No, not yet I was waiting for you first,” I answered with what I could only imagine was a sad and tired smile.

“You holding up okay Lexie?” she asked me softly, her eyes not moving from my face.

“Yeah Molls, just tired and you know...” I trailed off.

She stood next to me silent.

“Lexie, you know we do this every time and have this
same
conversation, and
every time
I say the same thing, it hasn’t changed and it never will. Now do I need to tell you again, for the... what? Sixth time?” she asked, full of the usual Mollie sass, arms crossed over her chest.

I looked at my best friend who I had known since we met on the playground when we were five, chasing after Colton Adam’s for not just pulling my pigtails but for putting sand in Mollie’s hair. After I pushed him down, Mollie sat on him and pushed his face in the dirt. But what brought us together was when, instead of yelling at him for putting sand in her hair she yelled at him for pulling my hair and told him if he did it again the dirt will have worms in it. She gave his head one last push into the dirt then jumped off him and looked at me, grabbed my hand and we ran away laughing.

Almost twenty one years later we were still closer than ever, and after everything that had happened, it would never change.

“Please Moll, one more time.” I promised.

She sighed swinging her arm around me and told me what she always told me when we arrived at a new place, and she was right; she said the same thing every time, same words and same determined look on her face. After she finished she gave me a squeeze and we moved towards the house.

“Moll,” I called as I stopped abruptly almost to the front door. “I think we’re at the wrong place,” I said looking around.

Eyeing me Mollie grinned, “No, it’s the right place. There’s no mistake.”

“But... it looks so nice. It’s nothing like the other places. Those were small and basically shit holes, this - this is definitely not a shit hole.” I broke eye contact with her and looked at the house.

Mollie’s face softened and her eyes lit with a touch of amusement. “Surprise?” she said shrugging her shoulders.

“Surprise? What do you mean surprise?” I asked completely confused.

Mollie turned to face me before she spoke “No more shit holes Lexie, no more tiny small houses where you and Finn have to share a room, no more shit holes in bad neighborhoods’, no more shit holes where we spend three day’s just cleaning the bathroom and kitchen.” Her face was hard but still held some softness to it. Her sparkling blue eyes stared back at me, waiting for me to react.

“Moll... how... how did you... how can we... I don’t understand. Why would you take this place? You know... you know we...” I trailed off taking my eyes away from hers as I looked at the house again.

“Lexie, come on let’s go inside, take a quick look then grab our shit, grab Finn and then get some sleep. We can talk about this in the morning, okay?” Before I could answer she squeezed my hand then walked up the front steps. I watched as she opened the mailbox on the side, grabbed what sounded like a pair of keys, pulled her hand out then turned to the door. Once she got the door open she turned around and looked at me. “Come on Lexie.”

The moment I walked in, I stopped dead and my breath caught in my throat as I looked around. We were standing in a small boot area. Looking straight ahead there was a long hallway with a door at the end that I assumed lead out to the back yard; my eyes drifted back down the hall to the huge opening just a few steps away from me. I took a few steps inside and looked through the opening, the breath that had caught whooshed out of me. It was a perfect sized living room with a dining room connected in the far left but what got me was it wasn’t emptied, it was partially furnished, everything being nice, nicer than the second hand stuff we usually got.

A large black leather couch was positioned perfectly in the center of the room, the back facing the opening and me, in front of the couch was a glass coffee table with a dark wood frame and legs. On the mocha colored wall across from the couch was a decent sized flat screen television with built in wall shelves on both sides. My eyes drifted below the television to what looked like a cubby, it too was built into the wall, inside was what looked like a cable box and a DVD player, more things we hadn’t had in a long while. But what caught my eye was the gorgeous fire place below; I’d always wanted a fire place. My eyes swept across the room to the large window looking out and over the porch and into the front yard where I could see our vehicles parked.

“Let’s get Finn so all of us can get some sleep. We can look around and talk in the morning, it’s been a long couple days,” Mollie’s soft voice said, drawing my attention to her. She gave me a small reassuring smile then motioned to the door. Nodding back, I followed her out the door and to the jeep to get our bags and my sleeping son from the back seat.

“Fuck.” I hissed, as Finn had turned in his sleep, throwing his arm out getting me right in the nose, waking me from a dead sleep. I lifted his arm off my face then looked at the clock that was beside the bed. I was shocked to see it was almost ten and that Finn was still asleep this late.

I settled back into the bed and looked around the room. The living room wasn’t the only room that was somewhat furnished. The walls were painted deep lavender with dark hard wood flooring; something I had noticed when we got in last night was that the whole place was all hardwood flooring. The queen size bed was comfy, very comfy, the first bed in months that didn’t make me miss my old bed, like every other place did and on both sides of the bed were dark end tables, each with a simple cream colored lamp. Looking to my right the sun was trying to sneak in through the soft grey curtains.

I looked over at Finn who was still sound asleep at my side. Reaching across, I brushed the hair off his forehead then quietly got out of bed walking over to the window. I carefully pulled the curtains back and looked out into what was our back yard; it reminded me of the yard I had as a child growing up, just a bit smaller.

“Mommy?” Finn’s sleepy voice filled the room. I let the curtains go turning to see him sitting in bed rubbing his eyes.

“Morning baby, did you have a good sleep?” I sat down next to him pulling him onto my lap.

He rested his head against my shoulder. “Yeah, but I’m hungry.” He spoke as he looked around the room.

“Okay baby, come on. Let’s go see what we can find,” I told him as I slid us off the bed and put Finn on his feet, then taking his hand as we made our way downstairs.

The house was bright from the sun shining through the big window in the living room. As I hit the bottom of the stairs I noticed a sliding door on the right, across from the living room. Curiously I slid the door open; it was a gorgeous area, a decent size that could be used as a play area for Finn. The best part of the room was the bay window with the light purple curtains and a padded bench seat; only needing a few pillows.

I abruptly stopped myself before I started redecorating the space, knowing we wouldn’t be here long. We could have to pack up tomorrow or next week and run again so it was pointless to think of the future because I had no idea what the future held for us. What it held at the moment involved us on the move, always checking over our shoulders in fear. At that my thoughts went right to Dex, who was doing everything possible to find Finn and me; he’s why we didn’t stay in one place for a long amount of time. I knew he was out there pissed, itching to make me pay and watch me suffer. It wouldn’t have been the first time he did that to me, just this time it would be worse than not being able to talk for a few days.

I felt my body tense and tremble as I shook the thoughts of him from my mind. I heard the front door open as Mollie walked in carrying grocery bags.

“Auntie Moll!” Finn yelled as he ran from the room to her, wrapping his arms around her thigh.

“Hey dude. Guess what your aunt Moll bought when she went to the grocery store this morning?” she beamed down at him.

“Candy?” he exclaimed

She laughed shaking her head, “Come with me into the kitchen and I’ll show ya.”

I followed them into the kitchen taking a better look around the place. The kitchen was small, which didn’t bother me since I was an awful cook. Baking I could do, cooking not a chance.

“I have more things out in the jeep, I’ll be back,” Mollie said setting the bags on the counter as she looked at me then to Finn, “Wanna come little man?”

Finn didn’t answer, just grabbed her hand and started towards the door excitedly. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him pull her. Finn loved Mollie from the moment she held him in the delivery room; they’ve always had a special bond, which was important to me. I didn’t have any siblings growing up and Mollie was as close to a sister as I ever had or needed. We may not share the same blood but it didn’t matter, we were sisters in our own way. It was just her and I against the world growing up; nothing could separate us even to this day. If it wasn’t for Mollie, I’d still be in Dex’s world of abuse, or worse, dead.

Growing up in Kingston everybody knew everyone; it was just one of those towns. Then Dex moved to town and when we met, I was completely taken away by him for many reasons. One he was older by three years and I thought he was completely out of my league, that I had no shot at someone like him. Two, I was me and he was six foot one, with short blonde hair, baby blues, a great smile and even nicer body; totally had the model look working for him. He was hot and wanted me and it was a big deal as I’d never had the attention of a guy like him before; before him there was nobody.

Mollie hated Dex. From the moment I introduced them she had no love for him or kind words; ever. She knew he was a bad guy before I did and had told me, warned me to stay away from him. But being twenty and never having a boyfriend then meeting someone like Dex who was totally into me and who became my entire world; I didn’t listen to her. We fought over it more than once and time after time I told her she was wrong, that she didn’t know him like I did and to give him a chance and to trust that I was a good judge of character. She didn’t like it but she went with it and I knew it was hard for her but I told myself that over time she’d start to like him. Boy, I was wrong about that, amongst other things.