UNBREAKABLE (ABLE SERIES) (19 page)

“Tami’s on her way up. She’s just parking the car, go home with her. You can come back tomorrow if you want.” I control my tone, not wanting her to feel I’m upset with her.

“No! Please, don’t make me leave.
Please
! Why are you doing this? I do not want to leave you.”

“Trish, I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just want you to decompress somewhere. Of course I want you here, but if you need to be away from here, then I’ll understand that. I’ll always do what’s best for you, always. Can you understand that?” I ask as softly as I can, and as determined as I need to be.

She laughs sarcastically. “So, your kicking me out is the solution, right? Since it’s what’s good for me, according to you. While I’m grateful you’re thinking of my well-being, how many times am I going to tell you that you need to learn to think of what’s good for us? It’s always what’s good for me in your eyes, but you fail to see it hurts me when I’m not near you, especially now. But, whatever, I’ll do what you want.” With that she walks out on me, and the click of the door is like a clamp on my heart suffocating me.

I sigh, running my hands through my hair, knowing this will be one of many arguments in my future. This has been the longest, saddest, and toughest day of my life. While I understand the concept of us, ultimately for me, she comes first…always. She’ll always come first.

Chapter 21

Trish

I walk out of the room, not waiting for his response, because I am so irritated with him. It’s always what he wants that everyone needs to listen to. Forget about what Trish wants! Don’t even ask her what she thinks, because she doesn’t even have to think; she just needs to do what she’s told.

My troubled heart, confused mind, and anger shaken body follow a beautiful music coming from the waiting room. There’s a girl about six years old, sitting next to a man playing the electric piano, maybe her dad. He’s playing
Simon and Garfunkel’s
“
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
”
and as I sit there emotionally spent, I start thinking
will Jake ever get the chance to sit next to our child. Will I be able to give him that? If we do, will Jake be able to see him or her grow up, go to school, get married and have kids? Will they see their dad grow old?
Every question that comes to mind is like another hurdle we need to overcome.

Suddenly, I feel Tami’s arms around me, squeezing me tight, and I have to shut my eyes as if I’m slamming the door on fear. Once again, I focus on Jake’s face in my mind’s eye. His words serve as an armor against my very powerful nemesis. His indomitable spirit is like a shield protecting me. However, with the song, what we found out today, my argument with Jake, and the uncertainty of everything a few errant tears escape, but I quickly wipe them off. I focus on my ring, pulling whatever strength I can suck from it, but like the song says
pain is all around
, you can’t escape it…no way...but Jake’s love pulls me back, it reigns me in, it restrains the despair…it brings clarity at the right moment when I need it. His love always finds me…

As the man finishes playing, I open my eyes to see the girl hug him, her small arms offering comfort. I focus on her and notice for the first time, a pink bandana on her head, pink fluffy sleepers, pink hospital gown, Powerpuff Girls pajama bottoms, and my eyes start to water again. My heart breaks for her, for the man next to her, and for me. The dream of having a child with Jake, with him being sick will only be just another dream.
Why am I thinking of getting pregnant at a time like this?
The pain of not being able to have a child that comes from us is almost as painful as the thought of him dying. I can’t explain why I’m thinking and feeling the way I do…I just do. The quagmire of emotions that shoot at me, all at the same time is like a quicksand draining...pulling...strangling me.

As she moves to stand, they’re surprised to see us sitting and staring at them. She gives us a huge smile as she walks toward us, while her dad offers a sad one. Tami hands me a tissue to dry my eyes. The little girl stops in front of us, the saying ‘out of the mouths of babes’ rang true, and the truth hits me square in the heart.

“Hi, I’m Tami and she’s my friend, Trish.” Tami extends her hand to shake hands with her.

She shakes our hands while her dad stands behind her with his hands shoved in his jean pockets. She sits on my lap as she expertly moves her IV lines out of the way. My arms unconsciously move to pull her closer.

“It’s okay to be sad, but try not to be for a long time. When my dad gets sad…” she pauses and looks at her dad, love and worry evident in her innocent beautiful face. “… I worry about him, and since he likes music a lot, I pick a song that tells him how I’ll be for him when he’s sad. Whoever that person is you’re crying for, he will be that for you too when you get sad. You’re going to shine, Silver Girl. Just like my Silver Boy.” She points at her dad. “Right, Dad?”

The man nods and winks at her. “Yes, pumpkin. I’m Joe by the way; Emily, my daughter.” Emily stands, gives me a ‘two thumbs up’ before she pushes her IV pole in front of her, and walks out of the room. Before leaving, Joe turns and sighs heavily. “She demands I play that song every time she sees me get sad. I can’t say it gets better, but just keep on pushing on. I do, for my Emily. See you around.”

“I think she just bitch slapped me, Tami, without even trying,” I mumble under my breath, still feeling the sting of the truth Emily just told me.

“I’d say. What’s going on with you and Jake?”

I feel so tired all of a sudden. “We were talking about what happened today, and I guess, I cried too much or stayed quiet for too long. It frustrated him; now he wants me to go home.”

“He hates seeing you cry, Trish. You know this, even before today. My brother’s weakness is you, and when he sees you cry, it breaks him. I know this situation sucks! Look, no one likes it; and I know it’s much harder on you, but we all have to show him we can handle it. He’s so worried about you; he doesn’t even have the time to think about himself.”

“Tami, I love him more than I can say. It’s paralyzing me, literally, thinking I might lose him. When I lost Dylan, my world turned gray, but with your brother being sick, my world, in an instant, turned black. My heart’s in pieces. I’m scared out of my mind, so please, do not question my love for him. Without him, I’m as good as gone. Am I not allowed to have a moment of weakness? Am I not allowed to cry? Do you know the what-ifs that go through my mind like a damn broken record? What if he dies, what if nothing works, what if he gets too weak, what if there are complications, what if there’s no future for us, what if we can’t get married, what if we can’t have kids. I promise, I’ll cry by myself. Never will I show him I’m falling apart, okay?” For some odd reason, not a single tear falls from my eyes.
Well, you’ve been crying all day! What do you expect? How about you start feeling something else…maybe hunger pains. I’m hungry as hell! Times like this I wish I could power down my brain so I don’t hear my-crazy-self talk to myself.

“Honey, no one’s saying for you to do this alone. We’re here to help you. I’m just asking you not to fall apart in front of him. He’s in there right now, thinking and worrying about you. He needs to have a clear and relaxed mind, Trish. I’m sorry if it came off as me questioning your love for him. We’re just in the beginning stage of his treatment, and it’ll only get worse as we go along. I know he doesn’t want you to go, but he’s willing to sacrifice being with you, so you can relax a bit.”

Tami’s phone beeps, and she laughs a second later. Not wanting to ask her what is funny since I’m really not in the mood to laugh at all, I ignore her. She elbows and hands me her phone. I see a text from Jake, and now, I know what she finds amusing.

Jake: Can you kiss her good night for me, but wait until she’s asleep so she doesn’t ask you anything. Love you, sis, make sure my baby’s okay.

“Is he crazy in love with you or what?” She giggles, and I smile.

Good, you need to do that more often.
I’m tempted to roll my eyes at myself. Thank God, we’re in a place where sudden changes of emotions happen on a flip of a dime; otherwise, we’d be in a loony bin wearing a strait jacket.

Tonight will be a long ass night of waiting, and tomorrow will officially start our trip to hell. I say a prayer, asking for strength for the days and weeks to come, but most importantly, I beg God to heal him. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, so my mom says. Apparently, God thinks I can handle this. Does He think I’m Wonder Woman or something? Me handle this, I’m falling apart at the seams!

Jake

All I can think about when Trish leaves is my surgery tomorrow, and my chemo that will start right after. Mentally and physically I’m prepared, it’s everybody else I’m worried about. I’m a planner, but how could I plan for something like this. The unknown is just too big to even comprehend.

In the stillness of my room, I try to envision our future, but even it is vague. When I close my eyes, I see Trish, and I see her tears. It haunts me knowing she has more tears to shed, which is something I can’t control.

The sun’s barely coming up when I hear the door open.

“Hey, why aren’t you sleeping?” She timidly asks while I savor looking at her breathtakingly beautiful face.

“You were here all this time?” Not surprised that she didn’t listen to me.

“Yeah.”

“Love you, babe.” I decide to put her out of her misery.

“You forgive me?” She asks with a smile, and my heart is full to the brim once again.

“Can you lay down with me, please?” I mumble, itching to get her close to me.

“Okay.”

She snuggles next to me as I squeeze her closer. I’ve asked Brian to shave my hair off tomorrow. I don’t want Trish to see it fall off in clumps. I know she’s going to miss running her fingers through it, and I’m sure I’ll miss her doing it, too. I try not to think about the things that are going to change, but it’s hard not to, when everything around me reminds me of it.

Trish stirs a little, and that little movement, though minute, wakes up Jake junior. A couple of minutes later, a nurse walks in needing to check my vitals, and some pre-ops bullshit. Trish opens her eyes, and as soon as she sees the nurse, her eyes grow as big as saucers.

“Morning. I’m Ms. Betsy, Jake’s day nurse. How is our patient doing? ” She asks, smiling at Trish.

“Good, I guess,” She answers shyly. I’m sure wishing the floor would swallow her whole and spit her out somewhere else.

“Uh, we have a situation here.” I motion for her to lean closer to me, so I can whisper something in her ear, “My dick’s so damn hard. I don’t want to give the old nurse a free show.”

She bites her lower lip and starts laughing, which will earn her a smack on the ass as soon as the nurse leaves.

“Um, is it okay if he doesn’t move; I’m quite comfortable hugging my soon to be husband,” She says, turning her head to face the nurse.

She raises her brow, wearing a smirk. “That can be arranged. Your BP and temperature are all I need,” She says while fussing with the machine.

My little devil can’t stop laughing, and as soon as Ms. Betsy leaves, we both lose it completely busting out laughing. Thank God for small miracles.

“I can’t believe you! We’re in a hospital, Jake. Can’t you tell your dick to behave, for once?” She questions gasping for breath.

“As if I can control it, Trish! How about you let your pussy talk to my dick, maybe my dick will listen.” I start, licking my lips trying to entice my little devil.

“Nope, thanks, my vagina has nothing to say. You’re on your own, buddy!”

So, I walk straight to the bathroom to talk to my dick, and as soon as I walk out, she starts laughing again. “Will you stop laughing, already? I took care of it; no thanks to you!” I huff out and plop down on the sofa.

“Aww, I’m sorry, babe. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you were just peeing in there.”

I pick her up, and put her on my lap where she belongs.

“Whatever, now give me my kisses before these fuckers take me away.” I give her a stern order.

I kiss her, putting all my love and devotion into it. I cup the back of her head controlling the kiss, while my other hand got busy cupping her breast, making her moan out in pleasure. We need to stop before this leads to something else, because we don’t have time for any detours of the sexual kind. She pulls back, releasing my mouth, giving me my favorite smile. I can’t resist her lips though, so I lean into her, giving her one last tender kiss before someone walks in on us.

“Love you, baby.” I rub my nose against her neck, enjoying these few moments with her.

“Love you too.”

“Anything you want to tell me before everyone comes in?” She holds my face and gazes lovingly into my eyes. The overflowing love and devotion that exist between us are all-consuming and powerful. We both feel it, without uttering a single word. Every I love you, every heartfelt kiss, and every tender touch we want to say and do to each other, at that moment, we exchange; because of what we both see in each other’s eyes.

“That connection we just had, that’s what I want to tell you without actually telling you,” She says shyly as I run my thumb along her lower lip.

We stay glued to each other until Tami and the whole gang, including my parents, walk in. When the nurse gives me my five minute warning that I’ll be wheeled in the operating room, everyone gathers around Trish and me, with hands joined together my dad leads the prayer. Trish stays alongside me, walking to the operating room while the others walk behind us, until she can’t go any farther.

She takes a deep breath before saying, “Fast five, babe. Ready?”

I nod, giving her that smile only meant for her.

“Love?” She asks.

“You,” I whisper, caressing her cheek with my knuckles.

“Forever?”