UNBREAKABLE (ABLE SERIES) (21 page)

“I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to say it that way. I am so, so sorry, please, don’t be mad at me.” She cautiously approaches me as if I’m a fucking drenched dog that was kicked to the curb.

I don’t say anything; instead I go to the bathroom by myself. I know I’m acting like a child but unless you’re a man and someone asks why your power drill is working, instead of being happy about it is an insult. As soon as I get out, I press the red button to call my nurse. She stands there, just looking at me, afraid to open her mouth.

“Yes, Sir. Do you need something?” A voice says through the intercom.

“I want to get out of my room. Can I walk in the hallway?” I want to get the fuck out of my room before I say something I’m sure I’ll regret.

“Of course, Sir. You can. Just make sure you’re with someone, and please, wear a mask.” The voice responds.

“That’s okay, I can handle it by myself.” Releasing the button, I turn toward the door. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m hoping she’ll leave me alone.

“Um…you need this, Jake, before you go.” She walks over to me and hands me the mask.

I take it, but never look at her. She knows not being able to be with her is one of my fears. To others, it may be a stupid thing, but our connection, emotional and physical, is always important to me. I put them above everything else, and right now, we aren’t connected at all, on either front. As I walk toward the window at the end of the hall, I can feel her eyes on me, but I don’t look back. I look to the side, and Ms. Betsy starts walking along side me.

She smiles. “Mr. Oliver, you’re out without your mask, that’s a big no no in this wing. Do you have a death wish?” Her smile almost fools me because her tone is nothing close to being nice.

She caught me at a bad time. I snap the mask on and glare at her. “Are you happy now?” I look away, hoping she’d leave.

“You know, I’ve been doing this a long time…” she emphasizes the word long and if the universe isn’t fucking with me, I don’t know who is. “…and I know who bites and who doesn’t. Who broods and who doesn’t. You look like a biter and a brooder.” I look at her, and she smugly grins at me. “I’ll leave you to your brooding.” Then, she makes her grand exit.

This place is going to fucking drive me insane. As I walk in my room, I see Trish asleep on the sofa. I enjoy looking at her peaceful, pretty face for a couple of minutes, until I feel the first wave of nausea hit me hard. I run to the bathroom as fast as I can and experience the first heaving match of this fucking fight.

“Jake, why didn’t you wake me up? Wait, let me get a wash cloth for you.” Trish immediately goes into nurse mode, wetting the wash cloth and putting it on my neck.

“I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.” I refuse to look at her, I don’t want to see her pretty face wearing a worried look instead of the peaceful one she wore a couple of minutes ago.

“Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Well, shit got real fast, and her seeing me like this is just a preview of what’s next. I give her a half smile as soon as I walk out of the bathroom, and I see relief in her eyes.

“Do you want to eat? I can feed you your dinner if you want?” Her face is hopeful that I’ll agree to eat.

“I just puked my guts out, Trish. I don’t want to look at food, right now.” I don’t mean to snap at her, but I do. The turmoil of feelings I’m having right now is like a category five hurricane warning. I need to process my own feelings on top of trying to protect her from hers, and I don’t know which one to shut off first.

“Okay, just let me know if you get hungry.” She quietly sits down on the chair next to my bed and plays with her IPad.

I turn on the TV, ignoring her once again. I want to hold her hand, but I can’t; I want to kiss her, but I know I’ll want more…I will crave more. I will always crave more. I want to turn off my feelings for her, but I can’t…I don’t have it in me. My girl beat me to it, though, she grabs my hand, intertwines it tight, and never lets go. That simple touch rights me, it clears my mind. She always pulls me out of the darkness like an angel. My.Girl.Is.One.Of.A.Kind….and I thank God every day, more so now, that she’s mine….At.Last.She.Is.Mine….but for how long….

I kiss the back of her hand which makes her smile. I let my lips linger for a while, enjoying our moment until nausea hits me again and destroys the connection I want…the connection I crave. I grab the pink pan, and just like that, round two starts.

“Do you feel nauseous?” Trish ask while rubbing my back. I only nod my head.

“You want me to ask for some anti-nausea medication? So you’ll feel better?” She whispers in my ear, still rubbing my back.

I shake my head, because I hate taking any kind of medication. I’m stubborn that way which I know will frustrate her. The fewer drugs I take, the better. I think the feeling passes already, so I lay back down and close my eyes.

I feel her kiss my forehead…Her touch…damn her touch…always, always calms me, it eases my pain, it subdues my raging emotions…it quiets my soul.

“I love you, Jake, so much.” Her lips brush against my clammy skin.

“Love you, forever. Hug me; I feel better when you’re near me.” I feel so weak, but damned if I’ll let this fucker win.

My bed is in the semi upright position, and I’m practically on top of her. I rest my head on her chest and succumb to her touch. I hear her sniffles and her chest heaves rapidly as she tries to catch her breath, she probably thinks I fell asleep and finally caves in and cries.

“Please don’t cry. Please, be strong for me, Trish, please.” I beg her because that was the only thing left for me to do.

I need to distract her from her feelings. Anxiety will overwhelm her, if fear hasn’t already. I feel it in her touch, the way she holds me tight as if I’m dying right before her eyes. I’ve never felt as helpless in my entire life as I do at this moment. How many more of these moments are we going to have? The one I want to protect from pain is slowly drifting into the pits of hell. So, I ask what I know will take her mind off it.

“Kiss me.”

“Where do you want it, baby?” She whispers.

“Closest to my lips, I need to feel your lips close to mine.”

She kisses my nose, then my forehead, and over and over again she kisses my temple. With each kiss, I feel her surrendering to fear…and the heartache I’m feeling is indescribable. I’m dying inside. The claws of fear…not for my own…but for her have my heart in a choke hold, and I can’t escape it.

“Sleep, Jake, I’m here. I won’t leave, I promise.” Those were the last words I hear before sleep takes me.

Chapter 23

Trish

As I step out of the hospital to go home and get fresh clothes for Jake, guilt surrounds my heart as soon as I feel elation when the air passes through my hair, and the heat of the sun prickles my skin knowing that Jake is trapped in his room waiting for me. How many more of these moments will I go through. Enjoying the mundane activities of life bringing guilt instead of joy because of our situation. The only thing that makes me feel better is having Tami and his mom stay with him while I’m gone. At least then he’s not alone.

“Hi, baby!” I kiss him on his forehead.

He looks at me, giving me his heart stopping smile reserved only for me.

“I missed you, sweetheart.”

“Hmm, I know, I missed you, too.” I smile back at him, not knowing what to do with my hand, because normally, I would run it through his hair.

“I want to kiss you so badly, its killing me. Seeing you eat the damn Kisses isn’t helping, if anything, it makes it worse. Just one kiss, please, that’s all I want, just one.”

I’m about to give in and give him his kiss when the doctor walks inside the room and clears his throat. Busted! I sit down on the chair next to his bed and smile at Dr. Hu. I’m sure my face is super red at the moment. Jake grabs my hand, knowing I need his touch every time his doctors are in the room because they’re here to say something, and normally, it’s not something I want to hear.

He doesn’t say much, except to say, Jake is doing well. How the hell is he doing well when he pukes his guts out? He also explains Jake’s blood results. Something about his white blood count and other stuff, but I tune him out. If someone tells you everything in your body will go to zero levels, and you’re susceptible to any form of infection, which can lead to death, that’s all it takes for me to be frozen in fear. Everything stops, including my brain functions.

“You okay, Trish?” Shaking my hand, he pulls me from my self-imposed coma.

“Um… I’m fine. How about you? How are you feeling?” Trying to deflect the question I know he’s itching to ask me.

He sighs. “I feel fine, Trish. It’s you I’m worried about. I don’t want you getting overwhelmed by all this, and I feel like you’re getting there.”

“Jake, I’m not overwhelmed. I promise you. I’ll let you know if and when that happens, okay.”

“Son, you have to stop worrying about things, and you need to trust that Trish can handle things,” His mom tells him.

“Mom, I think I know when my girl is lying to me. I know when she’s purposely hiding something from me. I know how scared she is, and she won’t talk to me about it! Do you know how frustrating that is?” His accusing eyes fix on mine.

I look down, not wanting to engage in this discussion because really he’s right. I haven’t been telling him exactly how I feel. How can I possibly tell him, knowing it’ll affect him? I promised him I’d be strong, and telling him my darkest fears is the exact opposite of it.

“What do you want her to do, Jake? You want her to cry in front of you when you’ve told her to be strong for you? Make up your mind!” Tami yells in frustration.

He gets out of bed, dragging his IV pole, and locks himself in the bathroom. That’s his way of telling us to leave him alone. His mom suggests we go to the cafeteria and leave him to cool down. I don’t want to leave without telling him where we’re going, because I know he’ll be worried, maybe even pissed off, if he comes out and we all have left.

“Jake, we’re going to the cafeteria, okay? Call me if you need me. I love you.”

As expected, he doesn’t say anything. It hurts a little when he doesn’t say
I love you
back, but I know he’s mad and maybe, I’m to blame. Being caught in the middle of this storm isn’t where I want to be. We’re already getting frustrated with each other. I don’t think it’s going to get better because everything is changing…his sickness is changing us.

Jake

As soon as Trish leaves with my mom and Tami, I hit the bathroom door as hard as I can. Frustration runs its deadly venom in my blood, clouding my better judgment. All I want from her is to be fucking honest with me. I know she wants to protect me, but that’s bullshit, because not knowing the truth about how and what she feels is killing me. Do I need to hear that she is hurting? Abso-fucking-lutely, without a doubt, so I can fix it…so, I can help her. How can I protect her without knowing?

As I walk out of the bathroom, Nurse Betsy walks in. She’s by far one of my favorite nurses, not only does she like giving me a hard time, but she seems to know every time I need a good ass whooping.

With a raised brow, she starts on me. “Are you pouting again, Jake?”

“Are you going to leave me alone if I say yes?” I sarcastically remark, knowing full well nothing and no one could stop her.

Her eyes turn from playful to thoughtful. “I know being sick is a bitter pill to swallow, but pushing a person you love away is foolish. Don’t even think I don’t know what’s going on here. Trish and I do talk. Be patient with her, as she’s with you. Draw from her strength and give her yours in her time of weakness. Is that so hard to do, young man?”

“Ms. B, she won’t tell me the truth about what she feels. How can I help her, then? I need to protect her, but how can I protect her from me?” I jab my finger straight to my heart.

“If you baby her, she’ll never learn. Let her see the ugliness of this disease, because without understanding it, acceptance will never happen; and the will to fight and survive ends before it even begins, Jake. Teach her to fight not
against you,
but
with you
. You don’t need to protect her…you need to teach her to let go.” She says solemnly, her eyes never waver.

I scoff at her, “I’m protecting her from me! From feeling the pain of losing me! Do you think I enjoy seeing her bent and broken? This fucking cancer is killing me. I don’t want her to see that. I don’t want her to see me waste away to nothing!”

She gives me her sarcastic smile. “Are you hearing yourself? It’s all about you, isn’t it, Jake? So what if she cries, sometimes tears aren’t a sign of weakness, but rather a release to help her breathe again. So, what if she sees everything? It’ll toughen her up to want to help you beat this. It’ll toughen her up so instead of crying, she’ll push forward. Trust me when I tell you, You.Need.Her,” She says sternly.

She stops at the door and glances at me. “You better pray she kicks the bucket before you do since you don’t want to see her hurt. However, since you’re sick and you’re trapped within these four walls, don’t shut her out. You can use your sickness in two ways. You can let it eat you up, mess you up, push everyone you love away, and break you down accepting defeat, or you can man up, own up, stand up, and walk out of this door a better man…a
SURVIVOR
with the love of your life beside you. Those are the only two choices you have. Which one will it be?” Then, she leaves.

Everything she says is true. However, the common factor of everything is Trish. She’ll get hurt no matter which way this plays out. I’ve seen Trish crumble and fall when Dylan and her dad died. I don’t ever want to see that again. I promised myself then, I wouldn’t be the cause of her tears if I could help it… nothing’s changed now. I suddenly feel so tired….so tired of everything.

Chapter 24

Trish