UNBREAKABLE (ABLE SERIES) (22 page)

It has been two and a half agonizing weeks of seeing him suffer physically and emotionally. He has been moody and cold toward me. The bag of Kisses, has long been forgotten. The only physical contact we have is when I initiate it. I feel as if my heart turned into a dart board within a span of four weeks. Every harsh word that comes out of his mouth is like a dart ramming straight at me. My heart is covered with them at this point. His eyes that used to mirror mine, don’t reflect the same anymore.

“Hey, Jake. Did your mom leave already? I didn’t see her outside? I must have missed her,” I say, kissing his shoulder.

He moves away, and just like that, another dart hits me square in the chest, right on my already tattered heart. I brush it off as if nothing happened. As always, I’m used to it. I think my heart isn’t a heart anymore; it’s a calloused heart if anything.

“Do you want to take a shower now?” I ask, praying he’ll answer me.

“No,” He says in a clipped tone.

“Do you want to walk in the hallway?”

“No. I just want to sleep.” He walks to his bed, lies down, and closes his eyes.

I wait a couple of minutes before I sit in the chair next to his bed. Even though he has been distant these past couple of weeks, my body still gravitates toward him…still craves his touch; my heart still calls out for him, so I kiss his forehead just as Tami and Patti walk in.

“Can you not leave me alone for a minute?” His eyes snap open, and there’s something in his eyes I’ve never, ever seen before.

“Jake!” His mom and Tami both yell at the same time.

I sit there like a statue, not knowing what to say or how to react. I can’t look at him after his initial outburst; it hurts too much. Instead, I close my eyes and focus on good memories that still make my heart soar, maybe not as high as if I were flying on cloud nine, but enough to ease the pain I’m feeling, right now.

“Jake! How dare you say that to Trish! She has been here with you since the beginning! Why are you being like this? How can you be like this?” His mom scolds him.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of her constantly checking up on me! She can’t leave me alone. I hate how she looks at me as if I’m dying. I don’t need that shit! I am not fucking dead, yet!”

Oh my God…I can’t listen anymore, because my heart can’t take it. I will myself not to cry, I don’t want him to see me cry, because he wants me to be strong. He wants me to be strong for this? Who is this man? He isn’t the Jake I fell in love with. This is not the man I want to be my husband.

“You’re such an asshole, Jake! How dare you talk to her that way when she dropped everything for your sorry ass?” Tami reprimands with utter disappointment on her face.

“Is someone forcing her to be here? She can leave anytime she wants. To be fucking blunt, I would rather she not be here.” His sharp painful words and his cold tone shatter me.

I stand up, grab my purse, and run out the door. I go straight to the waiting room, trying to make sense of what just happened. Is this the beginning of the end for us? Can someone change that quickly? Does he still love me? He loves me…doesn’t he?

“Oh God, Trish! I don’t know why he said that, but I know he loves you, honey. Please, forgive him,” Patti says between sobs.

“I don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t know how much more I can take.” I cry, covering my face with my hands. But, my heart is telling me he doesn’t want me to leave.

Tami comes running glaring at me. “Sit your ass down, Trish. If you’re thinking of going back there, forget it!”

“Let me talk to him again. Maybe, it’s just one of his mood swings. I promise, I’ll be back.”

“After what he said, you still want to go in there? Really? Trish!” She yells, pulling her hair while glaring at me.

“I need to do this, T. If he doesn’t want me here, I’ll go, but let me at least try to talk to him.”

She looks at me with worry in her eyes, but nods and gives me her okay. At this point, I don’t know what he needs. God, please, I don’t know what I’ll do if he tells me he doesn’t want me. I stop abruptly outside his room, wondering what’s waiting for me behind this door. I set aside my fear, because I need to know exactly what’s going on with us.

I clear my throat. “Jake, can we talk?”

He’s sitting on the sofa with his head on his hands. I don’t want to ask him again, or even say anything; fear of what he might say puts a clamp on my mouth and stops my heart. I want to leave, but my stupid heart won’t listen to my brain. Instead, I walk toward him, kneel between his legs, and hold his face in my hands, tilting it so I can see his eyes. With tears falling down like rain on my face, I gaze into his eyes, knowing I won’t see the same in them, but it doesn’t stop me from telling him how much I love him.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you, but I am not sorry one bit that I’m with you. I’d go through this ten times, a billion times, if in the end, I’ll be with you where I belong. You and me, remember…just us. My love for you will not change, nor will it stop. Please, don’t ask me to leave,” I say through wet pleading eyes.

He removes both my hands from his face and places them gently at my sides. My heart drops, and a bad feeling spreads throughout my body like hot lava, killing everything I know is good and true.

“I can’t…fuck! I can’t do this with you anymore, Trish. I can’t have you here. I’m sorry. I need to focus on me, and your being here isn’t helping me. I should have ended it the day I found out what the fuck was wrong with me.”

He doesn’t even look at me, and that right there, broke my heart to pieces. His indifference is like a sledgehammer, pulverizing my heart beyond repair. Who can put it back together? I don’t even care at this point. Without regard to my own pride, I beg. I lunge and hug him as tight as I possibly can. How pathetic is that?

“Please…please don’t say that. Please. I love you, Jake. Please, don’t do this to us. Pl…Please. I love you, so m-uch.”

He grabs onto my shoulders and pushes me gently away from him. His eyes aren’t meeting mine.

“You need to leave now, Trish. The sooner you leave, the better it’ll be for you. Trust me.”

Is this really happening? I can’t describe the pain I’m feeling. All I know is I’m hurting beyond words. I don’t know how I’m able to stand up, but I do. I look at him one last time. I want to touch him, want to feel his lips against mine, and want to feel his strong arms holding me close. All of this I want and more, but he doesn’t want me anymore. Self-preservation finally kicks in. I step out of that room, knowing I’ve lost the most important person in my life. I’ve survived it once, and I’ll do it again, so I revert back to that state of detachment when I lost Dylan, where I live to exist. Losing someone incapacitates you and annihilates your soul.

My plan is to leave immediately, but not before I lie to Tami and Patti that this is what we both want. I don’t want them grilling him or getting mad at him; he needs all the support he can get. That’s me, a martyr to a fault.
Hello! Can someone make a monument for me?
Yup, I’m still protecting the man that just decimated my soul.

Tami comes running. “What took you so long? Is everything okay?”

I give her a weak smile. “Everything’s good. We, um…both decided to give each other a break. It’ll be good for both of us, I think. Anyway, I’m heading out. I’ll see you at home.”

“What? Wait! What’s going on? A break from what?” She asks as she looks at her mother and back to me in confusion.

“A break from what’s going on. Don’t give him a hard time about it, Tami. If this is what he wants, so he can get better, then let’s just respect that, okay?”

I kiss and hug his mom goodbye, telling her I’ll call her soon, knowing that it’s a lie. I make my escape when Emily and Joe walk in the waiting room, leaving them with Tami and Patti.

I look down at my left hand, and I see my engagement ring. I let out a small laugh, thinking how screwed up my life has become. Does he still want to marry me?
Hello! Dumbass, he told you to leave. So, no he doesn’t want to marry your ass. My crazy-self yells at me
. Should I take it off, then?
Oh hell no, girlfriend! Woman up and put on your big girly panties, I don’t like them, but let’s go for comfort instead of something up your crack if we’re going to battle, to fight for your man.

I need to get over my fears, one step at a time. If there is one place I’d rather not be, it would be where Dylan’s at. I never went back after he was buried. I decide to go because it’s the first step to get over my fear of losing someone. I don’t want Jake to die, I know it’s not reality. We all die, after all. But, for now, while I still have the chance…I’ll fight alongside him.

***

“Are you ready to get your man back?” Roxy’s interrogation begins as we drive back to the hospital.

“Whatever it takes. Are you sure it’s gonna work?” Not that I’m having second thoughts, but I want this to work so badly.

Roxy smiles with confidence. “Oh, it’s gonna work. He’ll be so drugged up he’ll be talking in his sleep in no time, but Uncle Jack wants to talk to you first.”

Everyone is already there when Roxy and I walk in the waiting room. Jack’s smiling face and Patti’s loving arms greet me, while Brian, Tami, and Cody all wave at me.

“Trish, hey, ears open, eyeballs here.” Jack points at his eyes using his pointer and middle finger. “You’re with me so far?”

I nod, he reaches for his wallet, and hands me a business card. He patiently waits for my reaction. His observant eyes watch me without judgment.

I cry hard seeing The Sperm Bank of California in big bold letters. I cry harder knowing the possibility of having a baby with Jake can be a reality. The fact he thought of this for me…for us, is bittersweet, because it’s hard for me to reconcile the things he said, and this piece of paper I’m holding in my hand.

Jack clears his throat as he clasps his hands together. “He did that hoping to give you a child when he survives this. He wants a complete future with you, and someone who doesn’t love you or who wants you gone wouldn’t do this. What he did, it’s not what he wants…it’s what he thinks is right.”

Then it clicked; if he pushed me away because it’s what’s right, then it only means one thing…He’s preparing me for something that will ultimately obliterate my heart. Jack’s firm grip on my hands, and the agonizing look on his face confirms my thoughts.

“What I’ll tell you now will scare you, but as long as I’m breathing, you better be damn sure I’m going to put a fire up your ass, young lady, to help you push through this. I promised him I wouldn’t tell you or his mother, but I see no other choice. It’s the only way you’ll understand why he did, what he did. He was given three months to live if everything fails. He said those things to you in hopes you’ll leave and start moving on with your life. He wants to prepare you, so by the time he goes, you’re already on the mend. You may not understand his reasoning behind it, but I do. As he prepares you for his death, he’s also preparing himself. He wants to die in peace, knowing you’re okay. Do you understand me, honey?”

THREE MONTHS? OH.MY.GOD. I only have three months to be with him. The last thing I remembered was me saying ‘please God’ and everything
turns black.

Chapter 25

Jake

What the fuck have I done? Why did I say those things to her? These are the fucking questions that have been going around in my fucked up brain for the past couple of hours since my girl walked out of my life. While all these are stewing in my damn brain, Summer has been giving me the evil eye. If she gives me a shot to kill my sorry ass, I’ll even thank her.

“Jake, what were you thinking? I know you want to protect her, but really, you’re hurting her. You need her, just as much as she needs you.”

I sigh. “You know what my doctor told me? He said I only have three months to live if my transplant doesn’t work. I want her to be prepared now, instead of...”

“Why did you even ask him that question? The only one who knows when you’re going to die is God. You want to look at statistics? Did that make you feel better? Ms. Betsy will have your ass when she gets here.”

Then, she walks out, but not before looking at me as if I’m the worst scum on earth. God, that’s exactly how I feel. I hurt the only person I’d give up my life for. I just want to protect her from me, because I’m the one who’s going to fucking die and leave her hurting and alone. This line of thinking is my piss poor excuse for hurting the woman that holds my heart.

Being quarantined in my room is driving me insane. It would be so much more bearable if Trish were here. I’m beginning to think chemo has affected my brain. One minute I’m so sure of my decision to ask her to leave, and then, the moment she does, I feel as if I want to die…I want to take it back.

“What the fuck, Jake? How can you fucking hurt her like that?” Brian’s voice booms loudly as he slams the door open and scares the shit out of me.

“You wouldn’t fucking understand, man!”

“Fucking make me, then. There’s no going back from this, man. You fucked up.” Shaking his head.

“I love her so much it hurts to see her day in and day out in pain, watching me puking my fucking guts out. I can’t fucking kiss her whenever I want, I can’t hug her, because of all this shit attached to me. I don’t want to fucking sleep, because I’m afraid out of my mind when I wake up, she won’t be here. I’m supposed to be the strong one. The one protecting her, but I feel so weak I fucking need help to take a shower. I crave her touch every fucking day. I need her like I need air. I did it because I don’t want her to hurt. I told you what the doctors told me, three months, B! What if I die?”

I stop to compose myself. I’ve never talk about dying with anyone, but I need to explain why I did what I did.

I clear my throat. “I fucking love her so much I want her glued to me, but I have to think about her. I don’t want her to go through the same shit as when Dylan died. I’d rather she lose me now than later. I want her to start moving on so I can fucking die in peace, knowing she’s fine. Thinking about her suffering because of me is slowly killing me. She won’t recover from this, Brian; I know it.”