Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (53 page)

Q:
Besides humans, do any other animals cry?

A:
“Only one other land animal cries: the elephant. Marine animals that cry include seals, sea otters, and saltwater crocodiles (the so-called ‘crocodile tears'). All of these animals cry only to get rid of salt. However, one scientist, Dr. G. W. Steller, a zoologist at Harvard University, thinks that sea otters are capable of crying emotional tears. According to Dr. Steller, ‘I have sometimes deprived females of their young on purpose, sparing the lives of their mothers, and they would weep over their affliction just like human beings.'” (From
The Odd Body
, by Dr. Stephen Juan)

Here are the results of studies that explore our eating habits and how they relate to our behavior. You may think that it's all a bunch of baloney, that we've had one helping too many, but it
is
something interesting to chew on.

“The foods we eat do say a lot about who we are as people,” says Brian Wansink, head of the Food & Brand Lab at the University of Illinois. He conducted a study comparing subjects' soup preferences to their personality types. Here's what he found:

If you prefer…

•
Chicken noodle soup,
you are more likely to be a churchgoing pet owner. You are stubborn and prefer to stay indoors.

•
Minestrone,
you pay attention to nutrition as well as your waistline. Your family is very important to you, your pets are not.

•
Vegetable soup,
you don't get out much. You're not very spontaneous and you'd rather read
Family Circle
than
Time
or
Newsweek.

•
Tomato soup,
you live life to its fullest. You seek adventure and love to party, but also find time to curl up with your dog or cat and a good book.

Wansink's conclusion: No matter which kind you prefer, soup is the ultimate “comfort food.” It's a guilt-free, easy-to-prepare snack that reminds you of Mom. In fact, two-thirds of the test subjects claimed they felt better about themselves after they slurped their soup.

But wait, there's more. According to a separate study conducted by
Food Processing
magazine in 1996, your personality can also be determined by
how
you eat your soup.

• If you drink your soup
straight from the bowl,
then you're a “free-spirited enthusiast.” Never needing to please others, the path you follow in life is your own, and you couldn't be happier.

• If you eat your soup with a
large soup spoon,
then you're a “purposeful traditionalist.” You know exactly what you want out of
life. When traveling from A to B, you don't meander—you take the direct route to obtain what you desire.

• If you drink your soup
from a mug,
then you're a “care-free independent.” No one can tell you how to live your life because you already know what's best for you. You are the master of your world—you are all you need.

• If you eat your soup with a
small spoon,
then you are a “cautious connoisseur.” Not one to rock the boat, you're pragmatic and take orders well. You work best behind the scenes. And without you, no project would ever be completed.

Looking for that special someone? According to Dr. Alan Hirsch, the neurological director of the Smell and Taste Research and Treatment Foundation in Chicago, knowing someone's dessert preference can help you choose a potential mate. In his book
What Flavor is Your Personality?
, Dr. Hirsch reveals your “Ice Cream Romance Horoscope.” Bring it with you to the freezer section of your local grocery store next time you're on the prowl.

• “If your favorite ice cream flavor is
vanilla,
you like to stay busy achieving your goals. Never one to waste time, you'd be happiest with another vanilla, someone as romantic and expressive as you.”

• “If
double chocolate chunk
is your first choice, you recognize the need for stability; so you'll be most compatible with a stable, caring butter-pecan type or, if you're feeling adventurous, a chocolate chip lover may motivate you to stay focused.”

• “Those who prefer
strawberries and cream
need someone to give them a sense of hope and optimism, so they'd be happy with chocolate chip lovers who can match their high standards, but do so with a lighter touch.”

• “If you love
banana cream pie,
you have many choices—you're likely to be compatible with all other flavor favorites. You are such a good listener and so easy to be with that the other types seek your company, so you are never without a date.”

• “
Chocolate chip
lovers most enjoy their ice cream in the company of either butter pecan, who will identify with their high standards, or with the double chocolate chunk lovers, who appreciate their charming nature.”

• “
Butter pecan
lovers are most compatible with other butter pecan lovers because you both set such high standards that you can admire each other's good taste. Besides, another butter-pecan type won't be pestering you to express your feelings all the time.”

 

 

Radley Balko was studying a map of the United States created by a Caltech student named Alan McConchie when he noticed something strange: The map showed which states refer to carbonated beverages as “soda,” which ones call them “pop,” and which ones call them “Coke.” And it looked eerily similar to a map of the United States showing a breakdown of how each state voted in the 2000 presidential election—for Bush or for Gore.

Balko put the two maps together and made an amazing discovery: with a few exceptions, “pop” or “Coke” states went for Bush, and “soda” states went for Gore.

And even the exceptions make sense:

• Six “pop” states (Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, Oregon, Washington) voted for Gore. Why? They're traditionally liberal.

• Three “soda” states (Virginia, Nevada, Missouri) voted for Bush. Why? The urban “soda” areas went for Gore, but there weren't enough voters to beat out the rural parts of the states—all “Coke” and “pop” country—which went big for Bush.

• Florida is undecided about whether it's a “Coke” state or a “soda” state. Along the panhandle, where they went for Bush, they drink “Coke.” But down in Miami, Palm Beach, and retirement areas they drink “soda”—and they voted for Gore. So who did they end up voting for? “Soda”…no, “Coke”…no, Bush.

Anomalies:
Three “soda” states (New Hampshire, Alaska, and Arizona) went for Bush, and one “Coke” state (New Mexico) went for Gore. Balko can't explain why, but he predicts the overall trend will become more pronounced by the next election.

“I say look for Bush to be ordering lots of ‘pop,' or be seen with many a can of Coca-Cola come 2004,” he says, adding, “As for my analysis, go ahead and send my name to the Nobel committee.”

Here's our tribute to some classic (and not so classic) Hollywood movies.

Burt Lancaster:
“Why did you bolt your cabin door last night?”

Eva Bartok:
“If you knew it was bolted you must have tried it. If you tried it, you know why it was bolted.”

—The Crimson Pirate

“My first wife was the second cook at a third-rate joint on Fourth Street.”

—Eddie Marr,
The Glass Key
(1942)

“When I have nothing to do at night and can't think, I always iron my money.”

—Robert Mitchum,
His Kind of Woman
(1951)

Guy Pearce:
“All I ever wanted was to measure up to my father.”

Russel Crowe:
“Now's your chance. He died in the line of duty, didn't he?”

—
L.A. Confidential
(1997)

“I used to live in a sewer. Now I live in a swamp. I've come up in the world.”

—Linda Darnell,
No Way Out

“He was so crooked he could eat soup with a corkscrew.”

—Annette Bening,
The Grifters
(1990)

“It looks like I'll spend the rest of my life dead.”

—Humphrey Bogart,
The Petrified Forest
(1936)

Rhonda Fleming:
“You drink-in' that stuff so early?”

Bill Conrad:
“Listen, doll girl, when you drink as much as I do, you gotta start early.”

—
Cry Danger
(1951)

“You're like a leaf that the wind blows from one gutter to another.”

—Robert Mitchum,
Out of the Past
(1947)

“I've got an honest man's conscience…in a murderer's body.”

—DeForest Kelley,
Fear in the Night
(1947)

“I'd hate to take a bite out of you. You're a cookie full of arsenic.”

—Burt Lancaster,
Sweet Smell of Success
(1957)

When its tumultuous first era finally ended,
Saturday Night Live
had no big stars and no producer, but NBC wasn't about to give up on it. (Part II is on page 199.)

In the summer of 1980, only a few months before the fall season started, associate producer Jean Doumanian was promoted—against Lorne Michaels's departing advice—to executive producer. The remaining cast and writers, who agreed with Michaels that Doumanian wasn't up to producing the show, also left. Could
Saturday Night Live
survive without any of its original talent?

Hundreds of wannabes tried to get on the revamped show. Doumanian's plan, basically, was to “do what Lorne did” and find seven unknowns—three women and four men. She ended up with Gail Matthius, Denny Dillon, Ann Risley, Gilbert Gottfried, Joe Piscopo, and Charles Rocket, whom Doumanian envisioned as the new star. She still wanted an “ethnic”—so dozens of black and Hispanic comics were brought in to audition. One standout was a foul-mouthed, 19-year-old kid named Eddie Murphy. Doumanian had someone else in mind, but talent coordinator Neil Levy talked her into hiring him. Still, she only made him a featured player and limited his on-air time.

The ensuing season was bad, probably
SNL
's worst. After the first new episode, Tom Shales echoed the public's sentiments when he wrote, “From the 7 new performers and 13 new writers hired for the show, viewers got virtually no good news.” As the ratings began to sag for “Saturday Night Dead”—as it was being called—morale at Studio 8H hit an all-time low. No one could stand Doumanian or the show's arrogant star, Charles Rocket, who sealed his fate by saying the F-word on live television. Both were fired in the spring of 1981.

Few other shows could have rebounded from such a debacle, but NBC still had faith in
Saturday Night Live.
Dick Ebersol replaced Doumanian. Knowing that recurring characters and biting commentary
had propelled the show in the 1970s, he set out to recapture that early magic. He fired the entire cast—save Murphy and Piscopo—and brought in new faces. Mary Gross and Tim Kazurinsky were recommended by their friend John Belushi. Young comedians Brad Hall, Julia-Louis Dreyfus (later of
Seinfeld
fame), and Gary Kroeger were brought in. John's younger brother Jim Belushi, also a veteran comedy troupe performer, joined the cast reluctantly in 1983 (he hated being compared to John).