Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (31 page)

The program is still going strong today, and IMPACT continues to develop new and creative ways to put this powerful new crime-fighting tool to use. They have studied which cars are likely to be stolen in which parts of town, and plant the bait cars accordingly. They make the cars even more attractive targets by baiting them with a wallet, a purse, a cell phone, or even an open bag of potato chips left in plain view. Because car thieves commonly abandon stolen cars in the neighborhoods where they live (it’s easier than walking home), if police can figure out where a particular car thief lives, they’ll plant his favorite model of bait car right down the street from his house. Why stop at committed car theives? Sometimes IMPACT even leaves bait cars unlocked with the keys in the ignition and the engine running to tempt opportunists who might not otherwise bother to break into a vehicle.

Most of the time, police agencies keep their crime-fighting method secret to prevent criminals from figuring out ways around them. But IMPACT takes the opposite approach: They hope that
by publicizing the bait-car program as much as possible, they can convince criminals (and wannabes) that auto theft is not an easy, low-risk crime—that it’s actually a crime in which arrest is almost inevitable, the charges will stick, and the penalty will be months or even years in jail. They want the crooks to believe that bait cars are
everywhere.

What makes this interesting for the rest of us is that IMPACT has set up a Web site (
www.baitcar.com
) where they post actual bait-car video clips for you to watch and enjoy. The clips are making their way to other popular sites like Google Video and YouTube, too. They’re worth a look: When you watch the grainy hidden-camera footage, it almost feels as like you’re there in person to witness the thrill of victory as punks break into cars and speed off on a joyride, followed by the agony of defeat as they are arrested by police a short time later.

Vancouver’s program is working: Since it was instituted in 2002, car thefts have dropped more than 15%, with 6,000 fewer cars being stolen each year. ICBC is saving nearly $15 million a year through reduced payments to auto-theft victims. The publicity campaign and especially the bait car footage are credited with much of the success: As the bait cars themselves pull incorrigible car thieves off the streets, the footage of them being caught and taken to jail is causing less-committed thieves to lose heart and prompting at-risk, “entry-level” youth to reconsider whether they really want to begin stealing cars in the first place. “Auto theft went down right away because of word-of-mouth among the thieves,” Ens told the
Vancouver Province
in 2005. “It created a level of paranoia and the advertising kept it in their conscience.”

Are you ready to have a few laughs at the expense of ethically challenged Canadian punks? Here are the titles of some classic bait-car footage to look for. (
Warning!
Bait-car footage contains coarse language and is
not
suitable for children.)

• I Was Caught By a Bait Car!
A mini-documentary featuring bait-car footage and a later interview with the 22-year-old car thief, who describes what it is like to be caught red-handed stealing
a bait car (“I knew it was a #*&$ bait car! They bait-carred my @*&!” he says as the police shut off his engine by remote control), and what it’s like for a reformed car thief to view his own bait-car footage for the very first time (“I look like a retard!”).

• The Prayer.
Watch as a 19-year-old car thief and his 21-year-old accomplice steal a car, do donuts in an open field and then, with the driver’s hands folded into a steeple on the steering wheel, pray aloud that the car coming up behind them is not a police car. “Please don’t be a cop! Pray it’s not a cop! Pray, pray, pray, just pray!” (Their prayers went unanswered.)

• I Hope This Isn’t Another %$&* Bait Car, Man!
(a.k.a. The Nose Picker). Who says car thieves have to be men? View footage of British Columbia’s first-ever arrest of a
female
car thief. Watch as she and her accomplice pick up a male associate, then tag along as he picks a winner and disposes of the “evidence” in disgusting fashion moments before the police arrive on the scene.

• If My Mom Calls.
Three punk kids steal a bait car just one day after one of them has been released from custody (perhaps for stealing another car?). Listen as their fear increases with the dawning realization that they are indeed driving a bait car, that arrest is only moments away…and that Mom is going to be really, really mad when she finds out.

• High-Speed Escape.
Rare footage of crooks stealing
two
bait vehicles at the same time. After the bait
car
program became successful, the Vancouver police department expanded to bait motorcycles, bait ATVs, bait snowmobiles, and even bait Jet Skis. These dopes stole a bait ATV and threw it onto the back of a stolen pickup truck…which turned out to be a bait car, too.

• So Much for Going Home.
The only thing funnier than watching these four kids count the patrol cars as they close in behind them—“Oh yeah, there’s one, two, there’s three! Yeah, it’s a bait car, dude!”—is listening to them being arrested by a cop with a Scottish accent thicker than
The Simpsons’
Groundskeeper Willie.

*       *       *

“I’d prefer a smart idiot to a stupid genius any day.”

—
Samuel Goldwyn

If you’re of a certain age, you probably grew up being extremely afraid of Russia. Nothing to worry about—Russia is just as kooky as America.

N
EVER SAY DIE

Since 1984, Russian chess star Viktor Korchnoi has played an ongoing long-distance chess game with Hungarian grand master Geza Maroczy. What’s so odd about that? Maroczy died in 1951. Korchnoi and Maroczy “exchange moves” by phone or mail with a Hungarian psychic who claims to be in touch with Maroczy’s spirit. Who’s winning? Korchnoi. “The match started evenly,” he said, “but Maroczy got into trouble after losing a piece.”

In 2006, Russian customs officials discovered a secret underground pipeline used to pump bootleg vodka into Latvia. Police in the Russian border town of Buholovo say the tunnel is six feet underground and was used to transport homemade booze with a much higher than normal alcohol content. Why the tunnel was constructed is unclear because homemade alcohol is not illegal in Latvia.

To combat the image that Russia has one of the most corrupt governments in the world, the Russian government issued a pamphlet outlining the punishment for giving or receiving a bribe: burning in hell. The weird warning, taken from the Koran, claims that “both the giver and taker of a bribe will burn in the flames of hell.” The flyer was sent to every home in Russia.

The Russian government is also trying to curb gambling, so the Moscow city council came up with a surefire plan: They hired actors to stand on street corners outside casinos, pretending to be beggars. The actors are instructed to tell people that they were once rich executives but became destitute and homeless after becoming addicted to gambling. The city council also announced plans to give some of the actors accordions to turn their sad stories into sad songs.

Love makes the world go ’round (the bend).

B
REAKING (AND ENTERING) HIS HEART

Nickey Davidson of McMinnville, Tennessee, was arrested in 2006 on charges of aggravated burglary. Police said the 25-year-old woman had broken into several houses and stolen item worth tens of thousands of dollars. Her reason: she’d told her new boyfriend that she had a high-paying job (she didn’t really)… and now she had to keep up appearances. “When we told her boyfriend about what had happened, he was shocked,” Sheriff’s Captain Tommy Myers said. “He was even more shocked to find out that she’s married.”

Kamaruddin Mohammed of Malaysia got married in 1957. Then he got divorced, and remarried. Then he got divorced, and married again. Then—well, it would take too long to tell the whole story, so we’ll just tell you that in 2006 Mohammed, age 72, got married for the 53rd time. All of the first 52 marriages ended in divorce (except one—one wife had passed away), and wife #53 was also wife #1—the same woman who married him in 1957.

A Swedish woman filed an official complaint with her local health department in 2006, claiming her neighbors’ noisy love-making sessions were making her physically ill. Jon Persson of the Environmental Health Committee said the woman wrote that she was “distressed, angry and tense all over” because her neighbors made so much noise, for hours every night. “You are my last hope. Please help me,” she said. Health department officials told the woman that there was nothing they could do about it.

In 2006 Ruth Meister of Bonn, Germany, caught her husband Georg having sex with his mistress. She threw him out of the house and filed for divorce. “I showed no mercy,” she said. “I just threw him out.” The story made news all over the world. Why? Because the Meisters were both in their 80s—and had been married for 60 years.

In 2006 a wild donkey in a Croatian national park was shipped off to a deserted island because he was scaring all the females in the herd. According to park officials, Aga the donkey was demanding sex as often as 16 times a day, and the female donkeys were so scared that they hid from him…and couldn’t be seen by tourists. “But now that Aga is gone they have come out of hiding,” one official said, adding that Aga would be brought back “when he calms down.”

In 2001 a massive earthquake struck western India’s Gujarat state. Several towns were badly hit; more than 16,000 people were killed. The worst hit was Bhachau, a city of 40,000. Rescue crews worked through the night, into the next day, and the next, removing rubble to locate as many survivors as possible. Five days later, a bulldozer was knocking down the walls of an apartment building when somebody heard something. Crews were called in, and Jayesh and Kuntal Thakkar, newlyweds, were rescued from beneath the rubble of the building. How had they managed to survive for so long? They had kept each other alive, they said, by speaking words of love to each other.

*       *       *

•
Is Your Volkswagen a Sex Symbol?
, by Jean Rosenbaum, M.D.

• The Yul Brynner Cookbook—Food Fit for the King and You
, by Yul Brynner with Susan Reed

• Satan Burger
, by Carlton Mellick III

These are 100% real, honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?

Shortage of Brains Slows Medical Research

Hot Lunch Engulfs Man

Well-Stocked Panty Important to Good, Easy Meals

Relief Groups Help Hurt Family

COLLAPSED BRIDGE IN CHINA FAULTY

Sadness is No. 1 Reason Men and Women Cry

BABIES ARE WHAT THE MOTHER EATS

His Humming Rear End Is a Major Distraction

SHUTTLE PASSES TEST; A WORKER IS KILLED

Dishonesty Policy Voted In by Senate

PLENTY DO DO HERE FOR LOCAL “TOURISTS”

More of Us Will Live to Be Centurions

S
MOKERS
A
RE
P
RODUCTIVE, BUT
D
EATH
C
UTS
E
FFICIENCY

YANKEES TAKE A WALK TO TIE STORE

Coke Head to Speak Here

Brain Bypass Surgery Ineffective

Carbon Man Sets Himself on Fire

Commissioner Davis to Head “Assault on Literacy Month”

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

Mark Twain once wrote, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” He was wrong.

P
UNCHY

Thirty-year-old Panamanian fighter Celestino Caballero was determined to get a shot at what looked like his last chance at the World Boxing Association’s super bantamweight title in October 2006. So when it appeared that he might be over the 122-pound weight limit, which would have disqualified him, he decided to do something drastic: He stripped completely naked so that not even the weight of his boxing trunks and jockstrap would be counted against him during the weigh-in. The move was embarrassing, but it worked—Caballero squeaked in under the weight limit and then clobbered the defending titleholder, Thailand’s Somsak Sithchatchawal, in three rounds, sending him to the hospital with a suspected broken nose. Caballero is believed to be the first world title contender to qualify for his bout in the nude.