Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (83 page)

So, if relocation doesn’t work, what do homeowners do? In many cases, they exterminate. Companies that once specialized in moving wild animals now offer “humane methods” of disposing of them, usually by poisoning them. Coleen McIntyre, manager of Critter Control of Portland, Oregon, says there is often no other choice: “People usually say, ‘Oh, don’t kill it.’ Then, after the animal has kept them up every morning for two months, they want me to kill it.” But only a small portion of these intruders actually get exterminated. And even then, the problem doesn’t go away: You can get rid of one pest, but if your yard has something desirable—shelter, warmth, food—it’s a safe bet that a new one will try to take its place.

Ironically, wildlife experts maintain that the best thing citizens can do for a wild animal is to
not
give it anything to eat, even by accident. Wildlife and health officials are so serious about controlling wild populations—and in doing so, reducing vermin—that in
many towns, it’s illegal to feed deer in your yard, or squirrels in the park, or even ducks at the pond. Daniel Haag-Wackernagel, a biologist at the University of Basel in Switzerland, is speaking here about pigeons, but you can substitute any other wild animal: “People say it’s cruel to deprive them of food, but in the wild, the sudden absence of food is a completely natural occurrence. The animals will adapt to it.” Here are a few tips for keeping hungry critters out of your yard.

• Securely fasten your garbage can lids.

• Don’t leave pet food outside at night.

• If you compost, bury any food scraps you toss into the pile.

• If you have fruit trees, pick up all of the fallen fruit.

• Eliminate potential den and nesting sights of small mammals by sealing up the crawl space underneath your house as well as any holes that might allow access to your attic. And regularly clean out your shed and other yard structures.

Remember, though, that wild animals are cunning and tenacious and have been known to rip away brand-new siding in order to reclaim a former den.

Keeping larger animals out of your yard may be difficult, but officials say it’s important to both your well-being and theirs.

Deer:
Feeding them disrupts their diets—they need certain native plants to aid digestion. If they only get their food from people’s gardens, they run the risk of digestion problems that can lead to starvation. And as deer get more used to people, they create hazards on the roads and can become aggressive. In addition, a fed deer will view
everybody’s
yard as a potential cafeteria.

Coyotes and foxes:
With more of these wild canines’ habitats disappearing, they’re showing up in places where they’ve never been seen before. Although they rarely, if ever, target humans, they’re very interested in your pets, which can be easy prey. That’s because to a typical cat, a full-grown coyote or fox can look like a relatively harmless dog. So keep your pets inside at night (when coyotes and foxes hunt).

Other large predators:
Depending on your area, you may be prone
to bear and mountain lion encounters, both of which are also on the rise. The same basic rules apply to keeping them out of your yard, but if one does venture in, you can scare it away by jumping around and yelling. The same goes if you meet one on a trail or in the parking lot of your local shopping mall. But this is only if they appear to be threatening you. In most cases, you can quietly walk away from a large predator and be left alone. And officials request that every sighting of a big animal be reported.

Another option when dealing with urban wildlife (of the smaller variety)—give them a home away from home. For most of the species mentioned above, officials recommend against it, but it can be effective (and rewarding) for wild birds and some smaller mammals and reptiles. “The best thing you can do for wildlife, without question,” says Bob Sallinger of the Audubon Society, “is just naturescape your yard.” This primarily entails planting native vegetation, removing non-native plants, avoiding the use of pesticides, and keeping dogs and cats indoors. Some yards can even be designated wildlife habitats. This tactic comes with a lot of responsibility, though, so if you’re interested in naturescaping, research the bylaws of your municipality first.

And keep in mind that every action in nature has a reaction. So if you really want wild birds in your yard and decide to put up a feeder, you may get more than birds—you may get squirrels, chipmunks, or even rats feeding off the seeds that the birds drop on your lawn. It all comes down to plenty of research, a little experimentation, and a willingness to change course if you start attracting vermin (or the scorn of your neighbors).

Three wild animal species have adapted so well to living with humans that about all we can do is step back and appreciate their abilities (and try not to feed them).

Common house mice:
In terms of sheer numbers, these rodents have benefited more from humans than any other mammal has. Why? Because we give them two things that are in short supply in the natural world: food and protection. In the wild, mice live in burrows or under felled trees, which they must leave to forage
for grains, making them vulnerable to snakes, birds, foxes, and other predators. Their only way to ensure survival: produce lots and lots of offspring. In your house, however, there are few, if any, predators lurking around (except your ferocious cat, of course). And there’s plenty of food in your cupboards and crumbs on your floor. So with the dangers removed, the food provided, and the reproduction rate steady, the common house mouse has become the world’s second most populous mammal. (We’re #1.)

Peregrine falcons:
Once nearly wiped out in the U.S. because of the pesticide DDT, the world’s fastest bird of prey has rebounded, thanks in large part to urbanization. Before electricity, the peregrine was a daytime hunter. It has since adapted to take advantage of streetlights to hunt bats and other small creatures of the night. They’ve also adapted to living in a new environment: the big city. Skyscrapers resemble the peregrines’ native habitat—rocky cliffs—so today the birds can be sighted in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Seattle, Pittsburgh, Chicago, New York, and other cities, where they are welcomed by the local residents. Why? They’re spectacular birds, and they eat pigeons.

Pigeons:
It was an easy move for these birds to go from their rocky dwellings on cliffsides to the ledges of our buildings. Pigeons’ remarkable ability to nest almost anywhere (even inside air conditioners and vending machines), combined with their easily adaptable diets (cheeseburgers, candy, and edible trash), has helped the worldwide pigeon population explode to more than 350 million. Multiply that amount by 26 pounds of bird droppings per pigeon per year, and you have…a lot of reasons to try to reduce the number of pigeons. Cities around the world have been attempting this for decades—blasting pigeons with salt, firing giant nets over the top of flocks, scaring them with loud noises, poisoning them, placing food on electrically charged platforms, and even contraception—with little or no success.

And so, the battle goes on against the pigeons…and the mice, rats, gulls, roaches, raccoons, skunks, deer, bears, alligators, and so on. As we build more communities, more of their world will cease to exist, forcing them to survive in ours—with or without our help.

 

•
“Don’t Know Why,” by Norah Jones.
Amazingly, this old-fashioned torch song was a Top-30 hit in an era dominated by hip-hop. The album,
Come Away With Me,
became the bestselling album in the history of the legendary Blue Note Records.

 

•
“Lose Yourself,” by Eminem.
From Eminem’s semiautobiographical movie
8 Mile,
this was the first rap song to ever be nominated for the Oscar for Best Song. (It won the award.)

 

•
“Hey Ya!” by Outkast.
The repeated line “shake it like a Polaroid picture” became a catchphrase. But actually doing that damages the photo, leading Polaroid to issue a statement warning consumers to
not
shake their Polaroid pictures.

 

•
“Hollaback Girl,” by Gwen Stefani.
The song is built around a drumline stomp and chanted lyrics, like a cheerleading routine. Stefani got the idea when Courtney Love said in
Seventeen:
“Being famous is like being in high school. I’m not interested in being the cheerleader. I’m not interested in being Gwen Stefani.”

 

•
“Bad Day,” by Daniel Powter.
It became a #1 hit after it was used as the “exit music” for eliminated contestants on
American Idol
. It’s the only time a performer has had the
Billboard
Song of the Year (the top seller)…and never had another hit.

 

•
“Gold Digger,” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx.
Foxx won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles in
Ray.
“Gold Digger” features a sample of Charles’s “I Got a Woman.” That’s really Charles singing, not Foxx, even though Foxx is credited on the song. Foxx’s sole contribution: a brief spoken intro.

 

•
“Umbrella,” by Rihanna.
The song was originally written for Britney Spears, whose management turned it down without her knowledge (which she came to regret). Mary J. Blige was the songwriter’s next choice, but they were unable to arrange a meeting, so it went to up-and-coming singer Rihanna.

 

A MAN HEARD ABOUT
the discovery of gold in California. He immediately packed up his possessions and moved out west. Six months later, he gave up and returned home. Why? It didn’t pan out.

 

A GUY GOES INTO
a hardware store and asks the manager for a tool to break up the hard ground. The manager shows him a wall of shovels, hoes, and other tools and says, “Take your pick.”

 

A RANCHER WAS
taking inventory of his livestock. He figured that it wouldn’t take him too long because he knew for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But then he discovered that he actually had
200
head? How’d he find out? He rounded them up.

 

“DOCTOR, DOCTOR,
you’ve got to help me!”

“What’s the trouble?”

“One night I dream that I’m a car’s muffler. And then the next night, I dream that I’m part of the wheel.”

“Why is that such a big deal?”

“I wake up exhausted and tired.”

 

JOHN LOVES WHEAT
—wheat bread, wheat rolls, wheat muffins—he can’t get enough wheat. Only problem: He’s allergic to it. Whenever he eats it, he breaks out in a rash. But does that stop him from eating it? No, he’s a real gluten for punishment.

 

THE STATE TREASURER
had to balance the budget, so he sliced a little bit off the proposed funding for schools, parks, and other services. It was the most successful fund razor of the year.

 

TOM IS OBSESSED
with monorails. All he ever talks about is monorails—especially how amazing it is that they travel with the use of just a single rail. He has a one-track mind.

On page 404, we told the story of the Chernobyl disaster.
What’s happened in the years
after
the accident?
The answer may surprise you.