Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (52 page)

WRITE WRONG WAY

What you need:
Paper and pencil 4 thumbtacks

How to play:

1
. Each player writes his or her name on a piece of paper.

2
. Tack a piece of paper to the wall.

3
. Take a pen and stand on your right leg facing the paper.

4
. Swing your left leg in a circle, clockwise, while writing your name on the paper.

5
. The winner is the player with the closest match to his or her original signature.

Hot fact: In 1994, scientists discovered a volcano near the South Pole under 1.2 miles of ice.

PAIN IN THE...

Now it can be told: An embarrassing product designed for…ahem…southern comfort has a secret history
.

B
ACKGROUND
Although it’s designed only to treat hemorrhoids, Preparation H has long been rumored to have other uses. And celebrities and beauty experts aren’t afraid to talk about them.

• In
Beauty: The New Basics
, makeup expert Rona Berg advocates using it to reduce water retention under the eyes.

• Beauty pageant contestants reportedly use Preparation H to temporarily eliminate cellulite.

• Conan O’Brien admitted on his talk show in 1999 that his makeup artist uses it to reduce the puffiness around his eyes.

• Peter Lamas, a makeup artist for the Victoria’s Secret catalog, uses Preparation H to eliminate blemishes.

• Professional bodybuilders use it to make muscles look bigger by removing excess water.

• Actress Sandra Bullock uses it to fight wrinkles.

• Other rumored uses: relieving the pain of dry or cracked skin; healing bed sores and surgical scars; soothing chicken pox; and giving skin a healthy glow.

Sound crazy? Not really. Preparation H cures hemorrhoids, which are just swollen tissue. Applied as directed, the ointment reduces swelling and relieves pain. And that’s precisely what it does in all those other rumored uses. So if all of this were true, Preparation H would be a wonder drug. It’s even inexpensive. But don’t go down to the neighborhood pharmacy to pick up a case just yet.

BACKSTORY

Part of the legend is true: the health and beauty secrets of Preparation H have been known since the 1960s. Americans discovered how it made scars and puffiness disappear, and they passed the word along to friends, who passed it along, and so on. By the early 1990s, the rumors had reached Wyeth Consumer Care—the company that manufactures Preparation H. They were delighted; all these other purported uses could be a gold mine. Wyeth recognized that if Preparation H were marketed as a cosmetic aid or pain reliever, it could eliminate the embarrassment of buying the product. They could sell tons more.

The national instrument of Polynesia is the nose flute, played with one nostril.

But in order to sell Preparation H for anything other than its listed use (as a hemorrhoid medication), they would need FDA approval. To prove Preparation H was effective at healing scars and eyebags would require millions of dollars of research and government red tape that could last years. Wyeth ultimately decided it just wasn’t worth it.

But they were stuck. Once Wyeth knew about the rumor, legally they couldn’t boast of the medication’s alternate uses. Besides, they’d be opening themselves up to lawsuits. So in 1995 they reformulated Preparation H. The chemical responsible for the skin and tissue healing, biodyne, a yeast derivative, was replaced with phenylephrine HCI, a compound that restricts blood vessels, which limits its effectiveness to treating only hemorrhoids. The newer formula is also without shark oil, which supposedly made the old Preparation H an excellent fish bait.

HINDSIGHT

So the golden age of Preparation H is over, right? Nope. The FDA has jurisdiction over only American drugs. Original-formula Preparation H, with biodyne and shark oil, is still available in Canada (and can be shipped to neighboring countries). The stuff you buy in the United States cures only hemorrhoids—it’s completely useless to rub on your baggy eyes. So if all those movie stars and makeup experts are using Preparation H, they’re probably getting it from Canada. In fact, used non-hemorrhoidally, the new formula might actually hurt you: phenylephrine has been shown to dangerously raise blood pressure.

*        *        *

“I don’t think necessity is the mother of invention. Invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness.”

—Agatha Christie

In 75 years, the human heart pumps enough blood to fill an oil tanker 46 times.

Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS

More questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts
.

A
H CHEW
Q:
Why does pepper make us sneeze?
A:
“Piperine
, a chemical in pepper, is the culprit. It provides the biting sensation that accompanies the aroma to the mouth when tasted. Since piperine bites the tongue, it obviously also bites the delicate membranes of the nose. Our table pepper, though, tends to be ground finely. When pepper particles are drawn into the nose, our body has the good sense to try to expel them, just as it would try to expel any other dust particles…by sneezing.” (From
What Are Hyenas Laughing At, Anyway?
by David Feldman)

GOT QUESTION?

Q:
Why is milk white?

A:
“Since cows eat grass all day, it would make more sense if milk were green, right? But milk is full of
casein
—a protein rich in calcium—which is white. Milk also contains cream, which has fat, which is also white. That’s why low-fat and skim milks are not as white as whole milk.” (From
Why Do Donuts Have Holes?
by Don Voorhees)

TONGUE TWISTERS?

Q:
Why do people sometimes stick out their tongues when they’re concentrating on a hard job?

A:
“When you need to concentrate on something—say, a word problem—you are using the part of the brain also used for processing motor input. Ever see people slow down when they’re thinking of something difficult while walking? It’s caused by the two activities fighting for the same bit of brain to process them. By biting your lip or sticking your tongue out, you’re keeping your head rigid and suspending motor activity, and hence, minimizing interference.” (From
The Last Word 2
by the
New Scientist
magazine)

“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” —Arthur C. Clarke

BIG, STARRING HARRISON FORD

Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example…

F
RED ASTAIRE AS WILLY WONKA
(Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
, 1971) Astaire lobbied hard to get the lead in the film version of Roald Dahl’s novel, but was too old (he was 70). Joel Grey was also considered, but was too short (5'5"). Then they offered it to Gene Wilder, who only agreed to do it if he could perform a somersault in his first scene.

MARILYN MANSON AS WILLY WONKA
(Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
, 2005) When Warner Bros. announced they were remaking the film, Manson really wanted the lead role. And director Tim Burton thought the controversial music star could pull it off, too. But citing “scheduling conflicts,” Manson ultimately withdrew his name. Other stars considered: Nicolas Cage, Christopher Walken, Steve Martin, Robin Williams, and Michael Keaton. In the end, Burton chose his friend Johnny Depp, who says he based part of his Wonka character on…Marilyn Manson.

MEL GIBSON AS ROMAN MAXIMUS
(Gladiator
, 2000) Director Ridley Scott’s first choice for the lead was Gibson, who had proven he could carry an epic in
Braveheart
(1995). But by 2000, Gibson was in his late 40s. “I’m getting a bit old for this, don’t you think?” he asked. So Scott went with his second choice, Russell Crowe, and it turned out to be a good one: Crowe won the Oscar for Best Actor and the film won Best Picture.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AS ARAGORN
(The
Fellowship of the Ring
, 2001) From the beginning, Peter Jackson envisioned Day-Lewis starring in the
Lord of the Rings
trilogy, so he offered him the part. But at the same time, Martin Scorsese handpicked Day-Lewis to play Bill, the villain in
Gangs of New York
(2002). He read both scripts and decided that Bill was a more interesting character, so he went with
Gangs
. The Aragorn role then went to Stuart Townsend, who was fired soon after filming began because Jackson thought he was “too young.” At the last minute, Viggo Mortensen was brought in.

Lawns cover more than 150,000 square miles of the U.S., or almost 4% of the total area.

GEORGE CLOONEY AS JACK LOPATE
(Sideways
, 2004) Clooney really wanted the part of the washed-up actor in Alexander Payne’s hit film about two men who travel through California’s wine country. Payne liked Clooney, but thought he was too famous to be believable as a washed-up actor. So Payne went out and found a real washed-up actor, Thomas Hayden Church.

CARY GRANT AS GEORGE BAILEY
(It’s
a Wonderful Life
, 1946) This Christmas classic may have never been made without Cary Grant. Why? He urged his studio, RKO Radio Pictures, to purchase the film rights to a short story called “The Greatest Gift of All.” (The author had been trying to sell it, but no studio wanted it until Grant showed interest.) RKO screenwriters were unable to turn the dark story into one that Grant liked, so he dropped the project. A few years later, director Frank Capra got ahold of the script and rewrote it for James Stewart.

HARRISON FORD AS JOSH BASKIN
(Big, 1988) Steven Spielberg was set to direct
Big
and wanted Ford to play the 13-year-old boy. But Spielberg dropped out, fearing that his presence would take the spotlight from his sister Anne, who cowrote the script. Penny Marshall was offered the director’s chair and wanted Tom Hanks, but he was busy making
Dragnet
. Robert De Niro was asked to star, but he demanded too much money ($6 million). They courted Jeff Bridges, but he turned it down. By that time, Hanks was available. (Debra Winger was set to play his love interest, but she got pregnant. So she suggested Elizabeth Perkins, who got the part.)

RICHARD GERE AS JOHN MCCLANE
(Die Hard
, 1988) Bruce Willis was actually the fifth choice to play the role. It was first offered to Richard Gere, one of the biggest box office draws of the 1980s. But Gere turned it down. Why? At the time he was exploring Buddhism, and
Die Hard
was too violent for him. He took a hiatus from making movies and worked on human rights causes until 1990’s
Pretty Woman
.

How about you? Most women sleep on their back, most men sleep on their stomach.

VANISHED!

Hey—this stuff was really important. Where’d it all go?

C
ARD CATALOGS
From the late 1800s, libraries kept records of all the books they owned on 3 x 5" cards, filed in large wooden bureaus with card-sized drawers. Every book had at least three cards: one each for title, author, and subject (and sometimes more than one subject). As libraries grew, so did the card catalogs. By 1980, the Library of Congress had 60 million in their catalog; the New York Public Library had 8,973 drawers full. Card catalogs were filling up entire rooms and hallways. The solution: computers. In 1981 a branch of the Chicago Public Library became the first in America with a computerized index. Over the next 15 years, more than 95 percent of American libraries adopted electronic indexing systems. Endless scrolling of pages on a computer screen replaced endless riffling through giant drawers of cards. Most libraries even offer their indexes on the Internet. (Ironically, libraries now have multiple computers on their premises, which in some cases take up almost as much room as the card catalogs did.)

TONSILLECTOMIES

Tonsils are small glands that protect the respiratory tract from disease. Children get lots of colds and infections every year and for most of the 20th century doctors believed that tonsils only worked so many times before they became useless organs that actually served as a place for infections to fester. So tonsils were routinely taken out, usually if strep throat was contracted. A tonsillectomy required anesthesia and a night in the hospital, but afterward the sore throat made eating anything other than ice cream difficult, which sweetened the deal for the child. So why don’t they perform tonsillectomies anymore? It turns out the conventional medical wisdom was wrong: tonsils don’t wear out. In fact, they don’t really do much at all. A 1963 British medical study found that children whose tonsils were removed were no less prone to infections than children who still had their tonsils. In other words, an operation millions of children had undergone was completely useless.

In Germany, Humpty-Dumpty is
Humpelken Pumpelken
. In Denmark, he’s
Lille-Trille
.