Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (3 page)
Read Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
So You Wanna be a Rock-’n-Roll Star?
History of the Electric Guitar
T
oday, on the way to work, Uncle John stopped at a coffee stand to brace for the final push to get this book to the printer. He noticed some “French Vanilla” Coffee Mate on a table, and mused that it might make a good article. “Oh, you write?” said the kid making the coffee. “Whaddya write?”
“Books. Something called the
Bathroom Reader.”
“You’re kidding! I grew up with them! My grandma has the whole collection!”
That’s when Uncle John realized how long he’s been doing this. We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute are actually writing for a
second generation
of bathroom readers! “I can’t believe that this series is older than my kids,” Uncle John says.
Suddenly it’s been 10 years and 1.5 million books since the first
Bathroom Reader.
People know who we are. We’ve even spawned imitators—there’s a burgeoning Bathroom Books segment of the publishing industry. We know we’re extremely lucky to have such loyal readers.
We’ve also been lucky, over the years, to have worked with some wonderful people: John D., Lenna L., Michael B., Sharilyn H., Paul Stanley and Julie Roeming at Banta, Andy S., Eric L., and a whole bunch more. By the way—that’s Larry Kelp of the BRI on the back cover, not Uncle John.
This edition of the
Bathroom Reader
is a little different from the others (but not by too much). The biggest difference is the special “Extended Sitting” Section at the end. Over the years, the most persistent request from readers has been for us to add some longer pieces, for times when it’s necessary to sit in one place for a while. But we’ve never wanted to limit the rest of the material to do it. This year, we’ve made the book longer than usual—and now there’s room for everything.
This was also the first book we’ve done in the sleepy little town of Ashland, Oregon, the Institute’s new home. We have a whole new staff at the BRI helping to put it together, and you can see for yourself how well they’ve done. We’re proud of them…and amazed that they’ve come up with even more material to fit the needs of bathroom readers everywhere. We’re already hard at work on the next volume!
Until then, thanks for your support, and remember:
Go
with the flow.
—Uncle John and the
Bathroom Readers’ Institute.
Do court transcripts make good bathroom reading? Check out these quotes, from a little book called
Disorder in the Court.
They’re things people actually said in court, recorded ward for word.
Q:
“What is your date of birth?”
A:
“July fifteenth.”
Q:
“What year?”
A:
“Every year.”
Q:
“What gear were you in at the moment of impact?”
A:
“Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
Q:
“Are you sexually active?”
A:
“No, I just lie there.”
Q:
“This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all?
A:
“Yes.”
Q:
“And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
A:
“I forget.”
Q:
“You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”
Q:
“How old is your son—the one living with you.”
A:
“Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
Q:
“How long has he lived with you?”
A:
“Forty-five years.”
Q:
“What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?”
A:
“He said, ‘Where am I Cathy?’”
Q:
“And why did that upset you?”
A:
“My name is Susan.”
Q:
“And where was the location of the accident?”
A:
“Approximately milepost 499.”
Q:
“And where is milepost 499?”
A:
“Probably between milepost 498 and 500.”
Q:
“Sir, what is your IQ.”
A:
“Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
Q:
“Did you blow your horn or anything?”
A:
“After the accident?”
Q:
“Before the accident.”
A:
“Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
Q:
“Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?”
A:
“We both do.”
Q:
“Voodoo?”
A:
“We do.”
Q:
“You do?”
A:
“Yes, voodoo.”
Q:
“Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
A:
“Yes.”
Q:
“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
A:
“Yes, sir.”
Q:
“What did she say?”
A:
“‘What disco am I at?’”
First person to refer to a coward as a “chicken”: William Shakespeare.
BRI member Tim Harrower found most of these in a book called
Goofy Government Grants & Wacky Waste.
Now you can breathe a sigh of relief that your tax dollars are well spent on things like…
S
CIENTIFIC RESEARCH
• Using bikini-clad women as bait, the National Science Foundation spent $64,000 to study whether distractions such as sex would decrease the honking of drivers stuck in traffic jams.
• Researchers from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism spent $102,000 to learn whether sunfish that drink tequila are more aggressive than sunfish that drink gin.
• University of Washington scientists used a government grant to monitor worm defecation. They discovered that all their worms were constipated.
• The National Institutes of Health spent more than $1 million to study cervical cancer using two test groups: nuns who were virgins and “nuns who are sexually active.”
BUILDING A STRONG MILITARY
• Martin Marietta, a Department of Defense contractor, was caught charging the government $263,000 for tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert in Denver and $20,194 for professional-quality golf balls.
• In 1981, the U.S. Air Force said it could build 132 B-2 bombers for $22 billion. After eight years it had spent the money and had only
one
plane. A year of tests showed that the B-2 could perform its missions only 26% of the time…and it deteriorated in rain, heat, and humidity. The Air Force said it didn’t want any more B-2s; Congress authorized contractors to build 21 of them anyway, at a cost of $44.7 billion.
But It’s Not Just Us:
The government of Japan recently financed a 7-year study to determine whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails.
The saguaro cactus does not grow its first arm until it’s at least 75 years old.
Here’s where some common superstitions come from.
F
INDING A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER
The belief that four-leaf clovers are good luck comes from the Druids, ancient residents of the British Isles. Several times a year, they gathered in oak groves to settle legal disputes and offer sacrifices…then they ended their rituals by hunting for four-leaf clovers. Why? They believed a four-leaf enabled its owner to see evil spirits and witches—and therefore avoid them.
THROWING PENNIES INTO A WELL
Ancient people believed spirits living in springs and fountains demanded tribute—usually flesh. Young Mayan girls, for example, were sometimes tossed into the Well of Sacrifice (where they would “marry” the spirits). Today we just toss the spirits a penny or two for luck.
KNOCKING ON WOOD
In the Middle Ages, churchmen insisted that knocking on wood was part of their tradition of prayer, since Christ was crucified on a wooden cross. They were right…but the tradition started several thousands of years earlier, with a different deity. Both Native Americans and ancient Greeks developed the belief (independently) that oak trees were the domain of an important god. By knocking on an oak, they were communicating with him and asking for his forgiveness. The Greeks passed their tradition on to the Romans, and it became part of European lore. The oak’s “power” was eventually transferred to all wood.
NAILING A HORSESHOE OVER A DOOR
This “good luck charm” is a combination of two superstitions:
1. In early times, horses were considered magical. Because they can find their way in the dark, for example, people believed they could foresee danger or could guide souls through the underworld so anything connected with a horse was lucky.
2. Horseshoes are made of iron, which was considered protective.
J. Edgar Hoover liked to fire FBI agents who “looked like truck drivers” or had “pointy heads.”
The Norse god of battle wore iron gloves and carried an iron hammer. Romans nailed pieces of iron over their doors, believing it could ward off evil spirits.
In the 10th century, Christians added their own twist to the superstition—the tale of a blacksmith named Dunstan, who later became Archbishop of Canterbury. Dunstan had an unusual customer one day, a man with cloven feet who requested iron shoes. Dunstan pretended not to recognize him and agreed to make the shoes. But he knew who the fellow was—he shackled the Devil to the wall, treating him so brutally that Satan cried for mercy. Dunstan released him only after extracting a promise to never enter a dwelling with a horseshoe on the door.
OPENING AN UMBRELLA INDOORS
One of the few superstitions that isn’t ancient or irrelevant. In the 18th century, spring-loaded, metal-spoked umbrellas were new and unpredictable. Opening one indoors was courting disaster—it could fly out of control and damage property…or people. It was a practical impulse to regard it as bad luck.
PULLING ON A WISHBONE
Over 2,000 years ago, the Etruscans (an early Italian civilization) believed that chickens—which squawk before they lay their eggs—could tell the future. The powers extended to part of the chicken’s skeleton, too, so when a sacred hen died, the Etruscans put its collarbone in the sun until it dried out. Then people would pick it up, rub it, and make a wish. It became known as the “wishbone.” Why this particular bone? Apparently because the V-shape looks a little like a human crotch.
Later, as more people wanted to get in on the wishing, the rubbing turned into a symbolic tug-of-war. Not everyone was going to get their wish; it became a contest to see whom the gods favored.
THE STORK BRINGING BABIES
In Scandinavia, storks—gentle birds with strong family ties—habitually nested on top of people’s chimneys. So when Scandinavian parents needed to explain to youngsters how babies arrived, the stork was a handy answer. This traditional tale was spread in the 1800s by Hans Christian Andersen, in his fairy tales.
Teddy Roosevelt had 24 pets in the White House, including 4 guinea pigs, 2 cats and 1 bear.
Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.
H
OT CLUE
PHILADELPHIA—“A former Philadelphia fireman, in Federal Court here trying to overturn his dismissal for long hair, set his head on fire.
“William Michini apparently tried to dramatize that his locks were not a safety threat to his job. ‘Hair is self-extinguishing. It doesn’t burn,’ he boasted. With that he struck a match and held it to his head, which caught fire. ‘It must have been the hairspray I used,’ said the sheepish firefighter.”
—Remarkabilia,
by John Train
…AND HOW’S YOUR WIFE, CARLY?
“Kathie Lee Gifford inadvertently stumbled into talk-show hell on a recent ‘Live with Regis and Kathie Lee.’
“Singer-songwriter James Taylor was one of the guests, and the perky one, just making conversation, asked how his older brother, Alex, was doing. Sweet Baby James replied: ‘I wish I could say he was doing well….Alex died about four years ago.’
