Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (4 page)

“The
Washington Post
noted: ‘Mortification hung in the air for a few long moments.’ Blues singer Alex Taylor died of a heart attack in 1993, at age 46.”

—The Portland Oregonian,
May 1, 1997

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

“The Aldo Oliveri Stadium was meant to be the perfect memorial for one of Italy’s greatest sports heroes: a stadium in Verona, dedicated to the memory of the goalie who led Italy to victory in the 1938 World Cup. Everything went smoothly right up to the weekend before it was due to open, when a small problem was discovered. Aldo Oliveri wasn’t dead; he was alive, 86, and by all accounts, in the best of health. Plans are now afoot to open the stadium late, under a different name.”

—The Fortean Times,
1997

…AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

“In 1964 Gary Grannai escorted Tricia Nixon to the International Debutante Ball in New York City. Seven years later President Nixon was justifying his prosecution of the Vietnam War, despite the family’s loss of a friend: ‘Gary was a second lieutenant. He was on patrol duty when it happened. You feel the personal tragedy when it comes into your own home. Yet there is no alternative to the war’s going on.’ Publication of these remarks was followed by the [embarrassing] reappearance of Gary Grannai, who was very much alive and happily married.”

—
O
ops,
by Richard Smith and Edward Recter

WELL, IN FRANCE KIDS LIKE IT

“French broadcasting system Canal France International blamed a ‘technical glitch’ that sent an X-rated film instead of children’s programming to Arab countries last Saturday. ‘We deeply regret this unacceptable incident, and we share in the high feelings prompted in Saudi Arabia and more widely in the Arab world,’ a foreign ministry spokesman said. An investigation is under way.”

—USA
Today,
July 23, 1997

SURE
IT WAS A MISTAKE

TORONTO—“Proofreaders at Canada’s postal service let a royal error slip through in the production of a souvenir stamp book—a reference to ‘the Prince of Whales.’

“Much to Canada Post’s chagrin, the book was printed with a passage describing a visit by the ‘Prince of Whales’ to the snowy shores in 1860. He eventually became King Edward VII.

“It was human error and there was no intended slight to the Royal Family or to Prince Charles, said a spokesman. He also said Canada Post will not pull the book from shelves.”

—Reuters News Service,
1997

ALPHABET SOUP

In the 1980s, the Pfeiffer Brewing Company decided to use its successful print ad campaign on the radio. They realized it was a mistake when they heard the announcer say their written slogan aloud: “Pfeiffer’s…the beer with the silent P.”

Here’s the ancient Greek story of the creation of the spider—and the reason we call spiders “arachnids.” From
Myths and Legends of the Ages.

T
here was a maiden named Arachne who was so skillful at weaving and embroidery that people would come from far and near to marvel at her work. Not only was the work itself beautiful, but Arachne’s movements as she wove were so graceful and lovely that people would say, “Minerva herself must have taught you!”

But Arachne had become so vain about her skill that she couldn’t bear to hear even the goddess Minerva praised.

“Is that so,” scoffed Arachne. “Let Minerva try her skill with me. If I don’t surpass her, I will pay the penalty!”

Minerva, hearing this, was angry. But she was also merciful. She disguised herself as an old woman and came to Arachne. “I am an old woman,” she said, “and I have learned much in my long lifetime. Challenge your fellow mortals, if you want, but don’t challenge a goddess. If I were you, I would beg Minerva’s forgiveness and hope she’ll pardon you.”

But Arachne laughed scornfully. “I am not afraid,” she said. “I meant what I said. Let Minerva come down and compete with me…if she dares!”

“She comes!” answered Minerva. And dropping her disguise, she stepped forward.

Arachne paled, but only for a moment. “Let us begin,” she said. So the contest began. Minerva wove scenes showing the immense power of the gods. The beauty of her work was so great that the watchers were breathless with admiration.

Then Arachne began to weave. She purposely chose to weave pictures showing the weakness and errors of the gods. Her pictures were so lifelike they almost seemed to move. She wove so marvelously that even Minerva admired her art. But furious at Arachne’s insults, Minerva struck her shuttle and it fell apart. Then she touched Arachne’s forehead and made her feel guilt and shame.

Arachne, in remorse, rushed away and hung herself. Then Minerva took some pity on her and said, “Live, guilty woman. But from now on, you and your children shall continue to hang.”

As she spoke, Arachne’s form shriveled up, while her arms and legs grew thinner, until finally she was changed into a spider. Her descendants can be seen to this day, hanging from the thread which they weave into webs.

*
      
*
      
*
      
*

TARANTULA ATTACK!

The poor tarantula is misunderstood—some people still believe its bite is fatal. (In Dr.
No
—the first James Bond film—for example, villains try to kill 007 by putting a tarantula on his pillow.)

• Actually, some species are not poisonous at all. And those that are have a bite generally no more harmful than a bee sting. Unlike bees, however, tarantulas give warnings before they attack—they rear up and bare their fangs. If that doesn’t work, they sting.

• John Browning writes in
Tarantulas,
a pet guide for tarantula owners, “Tarantulas have never been known to kill a human being with their venom.” However, he suggests caution: just as some people are allergic to bee stings, some can have severe allergic reactions to tarantula bites.

• Of more concern than a bite: Some species have poisonous hairs that can temporarily blind their enemies—including humans. If a tarantula feels threatened, it will rub its abdomen with its hind legs until some strands of hair fall off, then throw the strands at its enemy. (A tarantula with a large bald spot on its abdomen is either old, or under a lot of stress!)

Sometimes, answers are irrelevant—it’s the question that counts. These cosmic queries are from the Internet.

Why is
abbreviation
such a long word?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

If you’re driving in a vehicle at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why don’t you ever hear about
gruntled
employees?

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

Why do they call it
necking?

Why isn’t
phonetic
spelled the way it sounds?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If he’s arrested, does a mime need to be told he has a right to remain silent?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

What was the best thing
before
sliced bread?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

What’s another word for
synonym?

What is the speed of dark?

Where do these familiar terms and phrases come from? Etymologists have researched them and come up with these explanations.

A
CID TEST

Meaning:
A test of whether something is true or valuable.

Origin:
In the past, gold was traded as currency. To find out if it was genuine, a gold coin could be tested with nitric acid. If the piece was counterfeit, the acid decomposed it. If it was genuine, the gold remained intact.

BUILD A FIRE UNDER SOMEONE

Meaning:
Get someone to take action.

Origin:
Mules can be stubborn. They sometimes splay all four legs out and refuse to move…and no amount of coaxing or beating will budge them. “When farmers wanted them to move and everything else failed,” explains Nigel Rees in
Why You Say It
, “a small fire was built under the mule’s belly in hopes that once in action the animal could be guided and kept moving.”

BEFORE YOU CAN SAY “JACK ROBINSON”

Meaning:
At once; instantly.

Origin:
According to lore, the original Jack Robinson was a gentleman who kept his unannounced visits on his neighbors so short that they hardly had a chance to speak before he was gone. The term appears in Dickens’s A
Christmas Carol
and Twain’s
Huckleberry Finn.

A FALSEHOOD

Meaning:
A lie.

Origin:
Before hats came into vogue, men wore hoods of cloth or fur attached to their cloaks. Many professionals—e.g., doctors and priests—wore distinctive hood styles. If a con man wanted to set himself up as a professional in a town where he wasn’t known, all he had to do was put on the right hood. This deception came to be labeled
a falsehood.

These mythobgical characters may be as famous in our culture as Hercules or Pegasus were in ancient Greece. Here’s where they came from.

S
NAP!, CRACKLE!, & POP!
In 1933, commercial artist Vernon Grant was working at his drawing board when he heard this Rice Krispies ad on the radio:

      
Listen to the fairy song of health, the merry chorus sung by Kellogg’s Rice Krispies as they merrily snap, crackle and pop in a bowl of milk. If you’ve never heard food talking, now is your chance.

Inspired, he immediately drew three little elves—which he named after the noises the cereal supposedly made. Then he took the sketches to N.W. Ayer, the Philadelphia ad agency that handled Kellogg’s advertising; they bought the cartoons on the spot. They also hired Grant to keep illustrating the little trio for cereal boxes, posters, and ads. He made a good living working for Kellogg’s over the next decade, but wasn’t happy with the arrangement. So he decided to sue Kellogg’s for sole ownership of the characters. Bad move: he lost, Kellogg’s fired him, and Grant never made another cent off the characters he’d created.

THE SUN-MAID RAISIN GIRL.
“The sun-bonneted woman…who smiles on every box of Sun-Maid raisins was a real person,” writes Victoria Woeste in
Audacity
magazine. “Her name was Lorraine Collett and in 1915 she was sitting in her front yard letting her hair dry before participating in Fresno’s first Raisin Day parade. A Sun-Maid executive was passing by and was struck by the sight. He had a photographer come take her picture, then had artist Fanny Scafford paint the picture from it.” All Collett made from it was a $15 modeling fee and a bit part in a 1936 film called
Trail of the Lonesome Pine
. The original bonnet is now in the Smithsonian.

MR. PEANUT.
Amadeo Obici founded the Planters Nut & Chocolate Company in 1906, in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Roasted and salted peanuts were still new to most Americans, and the company was an immediate success. As it got bigger, Obici decided he needed a logo. In 1916, he sponsored a contest to find one. The winner: 13-year-old Antonio Gentile, from Suffolk, Virginia, who submitted a drawing of “a little peanut person” and got $5 for it. A commercial artist took Gentile’s sketch, added a hat, cane, and monocle (to lend a touch of class to the lowly legume), and Mr. Peanut was born. The elegant gentle-nut made his debut in 1918, in
The Saturday Evening Post.

MCGRUFF THE CRIME DOG.
In the late 1970s, the Ad Council made a deal with the U.S. Justice Department to create an anti-crime ad campaign. Their first task: invent a spokes-character (like Smokey the Bear) to deliver the message in commercials. Adman Jack Keil began riding with the New York police to get ideas. He remembers: