Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (12 page)

Draco.
A magistrate and lawmaker who wrote the first code of laws of ancient Athens in the seventh century B.C. The code was one of the strictest set of laws ever written; it gave the death sentence for nearly every crime—even petty theft. Today any punishment that seems too severe for the crime can be labeled “draconian.”

Caspar Wistar.
A professor of “anatomy and midwifery” who held regular Sunday tea parties for a wide variety of scientists. One of his frequent guests was Thomas Nuttall, curator of the Harvard University Botanical Garden. In appreciation, Nuttall named a species of climbing plant “wistarias” in Wistar’s honor. But because of a spelling mistake, the plants became known as “wisterias.”

There are almost as many chickens in the world as there are people.

The Panama Canal was a triumph of engineering—but it was also a triumph of political conspiracy. As one political wit said in the 1970s: “The Panama Canal belongs to us. We stole it fair and square.”

T
HE MYTH:
The Panama Canal was an American idea.

THE TRUTH:
The idea of a building a canal through the Panama Strait was more than three centuries old before anybody actually did anything about it.

The possibility was first discussed just decades after Columbus landed in the New World, when the Spaniards realized how far around South America they had to go to get to the Pacific Ocean. Panama seemed to be an ideal spot for a canal, since it measured only 50 miles from coast to coast.

But the issue was put to rest in 1552 by King Philip, whose religious advisors reminded him that the scriptures warned: “What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” Philip agreed. “If God had wanted a Panama Canal,” he announced, “He would have put one here.”

America’s First Effort.
In the 1850s, the U.S. sent a survey team to Panama to see if it was possible to build a canal. But the idea was dropped when the team reported that there wasn’t “the slightest hope that a ship canal will ever be found practicable across any part of it.”

The French Effort.
That didn’t stop the chief promoter of the Suez Canal from trying. In 1880 Ferdinand de Lesseps, backed by a group of French investors, began building a canal across the Isthmus of Panama. American President Rutherford Hayes was outraged that this was happening in “our” territory and decreed that France should cede control of the canal to the United States.

Before the issue became an international incident, however, the French project collapsed under the weight of corruption, poor planning, and the harsh Central American jungle environment: floods, earthquakes, yellow fever, and malaria. The French abandoned their partly dug canal and left most of their heavy machinery to rust in the jungle.

The 100 Years War lasted 116 years.

THE MYTH:
The U.S. signed a treaty with the legitimate government of Panama to build and lease the Canal Zone.

THE TRUTH:
Panama wasn’t even a country when the U.S. decided to build a canal there—it was a territory of Colombia.

Background.
In 1898 the battleship
Oregon
, stationed off the California coast, was ordered to Cuba to prepare for battle in the Spanish American War. The voyage around South America took two months. Clearly, a faster route was needed.

When the war was over, President Theodore Roosevelt began pushing for a canal. He was partial to a canal through Nicaragua: Even though that route was longer, it appeared to be an easier dig, since it would run through Lake Nicaragua.

But Panama had its partisans in the fierce Senate debate about the canal. When the French—who wanted to unload the canal they’d begun—dropped the price for their unfinished assets from $109 million to $40 million, America decided on Panama.

The Colombia Problem.
There was just one problem: Roosevelt found that the people he called “Dagos” in Colombia were asking too much for using their territory.

He decided the solution was simple—if the existing country was a problem, create a new country that would be more willing to compromise. The U.S. Army teamed up with a former director of the French canal company, who stirred up a “revolt” against Colombia. Meanwhile, the American battleship
Nashville
positioned itself off the Colombian coastline with guns ready, in case Colombia objected.

Friendly Nation.
As soon as a new revolutionary government was announced, the U.S. recognized it and pushed through a deal: for $10 million, an annual fee of $250,000, and a guarantee of “independence,” the United States received rights to the 10-mile-wide canal zone “in perpetuity.” Since the new country of Panama was not much wider than that 10-mile-zone, the U.S. effectively controlled the country. Colombia did protest, but there wasn’t much it could do. The canal was finished in 1914.

Couch potatoes: 25% of American adults say they never exercise.

Here are a handful of helpful hints from high-profile heavyweights, found in
Friendly Advice,
by Jon Winokur.

“Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it for you.”

—Calvin Coolidge

“Don’t put no restrictions on the people. Leave ’em the hell alone.”

—Jimmy Durante

“The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.”

—Louis Rukeyser (“Wall Street Week in Review”)

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”

—Mark Twain

“If four or five guys tell you that you’re drunk, even though you know you haven’t had a thing to drink, the least you can do is lie down a while.”

—Joseph Schenck

“A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a fool if he doesn’t drink afterward.”

—Frank Lloyd Wright

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

—Erma Bombeck

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.”

—Sophia Loren

“Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.”

—Franklin D. Roosevelt

“My father gave me these hints in speechmaking: Be sincere... be brief...be seated.”

—James Roosevelt
(FDR’s son)

“The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.”

—Mell Lazarus

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.”

—Winston Churchill

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

—Mark Twain

Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at auction for $6,600 in 1992.

While you’re sitting on the john, take a moment to examine it. Do you notice a problem? If so, you’re in luck: BRI plumber’s helper is here. We can’t guarantee or even recommend this advice, of course (we’re writers, not plumbers), but it sounds good.

T
he Problem:
Running water.

What It Could Mean:
The chain connecting the handle to the flush valve—the hole at the bottom of the tank where the water enters the bowl—is too long. Remove a few links of the chain so that it hangs with only a little slack.

Other Possible Causes:

• The “float mechanism” that shuts off the water isn’t working; it’s letting water leak into the overflow pipe. If your mechanism is a “float ball” attached to a horizontal rod, bend the rod so that the ball hangs lower in the tank. If it’s a plastic cylinder called a “float cup,” adjust it so that it hangs lower in the tank.

• Your “flush valve” is leaking. This is most likely the problem if you have to jiggle the toilet handle a lot, or if the toilet hisses regularly. Your best bet is to replace the rubber bulb mechanism. Replace the flush valve with one that’s the same size.

The Problem:
A wet floor around the base of your toilet.

How To Fix It:
Add several tablespoons of food coloring to the water in the bowl and in the tank. Wipe the floor around the toilet dry, and then wait for the moisture to reappear.

Mop up the area again, this time using white paper towels. If the moisture is colored, your toilet is leaking. If it isn’t, you probably have a condensation problem, or a leak from another fixture.

• To fix a leaky toilet tank, drain it and use a wrench or screwdriver to tighten the nuts at the base of the tank. (If the washers around the bolts look worn, replace them.) Don’t overtighten; if you do you’ll risk cracking the tank.

• If the toilet still leaks, the flush valve may be loose. The only way to fix it: remove the tank from the bowl and tighten the valve.

The Roman emperor Nero played the bagpipe.

Did TV’s “Brady Bunch” seem like a close family to you? According to actor Barry Williams (Greg Brady) in his book
, Growing Up Brady (HarperCollins, 1992),
they were a lot closer than you think.

“A
t some point throughout the five years of filming, every Brady (kid) paired up romantically with the opposite sex counterpart,” Williams confesses, although as far as he knows, none of the encounters “went all the way.” Still, here’s the juicy details of some of the closer encounters of the Brady clan:

The Couple:
Greg and Mrs. Brady (Barry Williams and Florence Henderson)

The Place:
The Coconut Grove Club in Los Angeles

Kiss and Tell:
After sharing a dirty joke about lollipops with her on the set, “I got a case of the hots for my mom,” Williams confesses, “I just couldn’t control myself anymore and wound up asking her out. Amazingly, she accepted.” Williams describes their first kiss: “No tongue, but nice.”

Why It Ended:
They just never hit it off. Henderson later told Williams: “You were really cute, and I was tempted a few times. I think we’re lucky Carol never slept with Greg, but...uh...it coulda been.”

The Couple:
Greg and Marcia (Maureen McCormick and Barry Williams)

The Place:
Waikiki Beach, when the cast was in Hawaii filming the show’s first Hawaiian special

Kiss and Tell:
“I kissed her, and the floodgates opened; warm and hard and packed with the kind of osculatory excitement only teenagers can transmit....Years later, I’d find out that this had been Mo’s first kiss.”

Why It Ended:
While on a cruise on the
Queen Elizabeth II
, Williams snuck into McCormick’s bedroom, climbed into bed with her, and started caressing her. McCormick woke up and kicked him out of her room. According to Williams: “My desperate groping killed something between us that night.”

Mosquitos have teeth.

The Couple:
Jan and Peter (Eve Plumb and Christopher Knight)

The Place:
Aboard the
Queen Elizabeth II
, and later in Knight’s truck

Kiss and Tell:
Unlike Williams, Knight didn’t have to sneak into his female counterpart’s stateroom in search of action—Plumb came to him. And Knight had better luck than Williams did: “Finally, as she nibbled on my ear, something clicked...I thought to myself, ‘Oh, my God—now I understand what all the fuss is about!’ I was 14.”

A year after the show was canceled, Knight and Plumb had another encounter, an attempted “quickie” in Knight’s truck. Says Knight: “
This
time, we quickly moved beyond the sensory pleasures of just making out.”

Why It Ended:
Before they could get very far, a police officer walked up to the truck and shined his flashlight in the window. The interruption killed the romance.

The Couple:
Cindy and Bobby (Susan Olsen and Michael Lookinland)

The Place:
Tiger’s doghouse and Lookinland’s dressing room

Kiss and Tell:
“During our first season, Michael got the notion that he had a major crush on me. And he’d put his arm around me, and he’d kiss me, and...uh...I kinda liked it.”

Why It Ended:
“A couple years later...he seemed to have a kinda ‘boob thing’....This is at like age 10 or 11....I of course had none, so he decided it was time to get rid of me and chase after Eve for a while. So we got a divorce.”

WHAT ABOUT MR. BRADY?

According to
USA Today
, Robert Reed was “too busy firing off angry memos to the show’s creators about how asinine the scripts were” to indulge in the pleasures of Brady flesh: “To blow off steam over crummy storylines, he sometimes went to a nearby bar and came back to work loaded.” Alice the maid (Ann B. Davis), now a born-again Christian, also remained Brady-celibate. No word on Tiger the dog (who was run down by a florist’s truck one day after he wandered off the set “looking for a place to relieve himself”).

Before killing Lincoln, actor John Wilkes Booth was so popular he got 100 fan letters a week.