Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (61 page)

“Some parents are puzzled or confused by Mr. Presley’s almost hypnotic power; some are concerned; [but] most are a shade disgusted and [will be] content to let the Presley fad play itself out.”

CHARLIE CHAPLIN’S FAVORITE JOKE

At lunch one afternoon, Charlie Chaplin was asked to relate the funniest joke he’d ever heard. You’d think that “the world’s greatest comic genius” would tell something hilarious. But...well...you decide
.

“A man in a tea shop orders a cup of coffee and a piece of shortbread. On paying the bill, he compliments the manager on the quality of the shortbread and asks if it could be custom-made in any shape. ‘Why, certainly.’

“‘Well, if I come back tomorrow, could you make me a piece shaped like the letter “e”?’

“‘No trouble,’ says the manager. Next day, on returning to the shop, the man looks aghast.

“‘But you’ve made it a capital “E”!’ He arranges to come back another day, and this time expresses himself completely satisfied.

“‘Where would you like me to send it?’ asks the manager.

“‘Oh, I won’t give you the trouble to send it anywhere,’ says the
customer. ‘I’ll sit down here, if I may, and eat it now.’ And he does.”

According to
Family Circle
magazine, each American averages one greasy-food stain per month.

No one at lunch thought it was funny, either. (Neither do we.)

HISTORIC RECIPE

In 1770, American revolutionaries published these detailed directions for tarring and feathering, which was, at the time “a mob ritual.”

How to Tar and Feather Someone

“First, strip a person naked, then heat the Tar until it is thin & pour it upon naked Flesh, or rub it over with a Tar brush.

“After which, sprinkle decently upon the Tar, whilst it is yet warm, as many Feathers as will stick to it.

“Then hold a lighted Candle to the Feathers, & try to set it all on Fire.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN CENSORSHIP

In 1937, Mae West was barred from radio after she engaged in a slightly risqué dialogue on NBC’s Edgar Bergen/Charlie McCarthy Show. The conversation was with McCarthy, a ventriloquist’s dummy!

Mae West:
“Why don’t you come home with me now honey? I’ll let you play in my woodpile.”

Charlie McCarthy:
“Well, I don’t feel so well tonight. I’ve been feeling nervous lately....”

West:
“You can’t kid me. You’re afraid of women. Your Casanova stuff is just a front, a false front.”

McCarthy:
“Not so loud, Mae, not so loud! All my girlfriends are listening....”

West:
“You weren’t so nervous when you came up to see me at my apartment. In fact, you didn’t need any encouragement to kiss me.”

McCarthy:
“Did I do that?”

West:
“You certainly did. I got marks to prove it. And splinters, too.”

Protests poured in from church groups, ostensibly because the show had aired on a Sunday (more likely reason: they objected to West’s general “promiscuity”). The sponsor agreed it was “inappropriate,” and apologized on the air; Hollywood disavowed both the skit and West; NBC declared she would never appear on radio again
.

Most popular book genre: mysteries and thrillers; 25% of American readers read them to relax.

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

On Nov. 4, 1874, this article allegedly appeared in
The American Weekly.
It was quoted in an 1896 book
, Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine, but it’s really just an early urban legend.

“During the fray [between Union and Confederate troops], a soldier staggered and fell to earth; at the same time a piercing cry was heard in the house nearby. Examination showed that a bullet had passed through the scrotum and carried away the left testicle. The same bullet had apparently penetrated the left side of the abdomen of a young lady...and become lost in the abdomen. The daughter suffered an attack of peritonitis, but recovered.

“Two hundred and seventy-eight days after the reception of the minie ball, she was delivered of a fine boy weighing eight pounds, to the surprise of herself, and the mortification of her parents and friends.

“The doctor concluded that... the same ball that had carried away the testicle of his young friend...had penetrated the ovary of the young lady and, with some spermatozoa upon it, had impregnated her. With this conviction, he approached the young man and told him of the circumstances. The soldier appeared skeptical at first, but consented to visit the young mother; a friendship ensued, which soon ripened into a happy marriage.”

NIXONIA

You think Richard Nixon was “a little” stiff and formal? Here’s a memo he sent to
his wife
on January 25, 1969
.

To:
Mrs. Nixon

From:
The President

With regard to RN’s room, what would be the most desirable is an end table like the one on the right side of the bed, which will accomodate two dictaphones as well as a telephone. RN has to use one dictaphone for current matters and another for memoranda for the file, which he will not want transcribed at this time. In addition, he needs a bigger table on which he can work at night. The table which is presently in the room does not allow enough room for him to get his knees under it.

Only 33% of people in the United Arab Emirates are women—the lowest percentage on Earth.

How did our favorite cartoon characters get their unusual names? Here are a few answers
.

B
ugs Bunny:
Warner Brothers cartoonist Bugs Hardaway submitted preliminary sketches for “a tall, lanky, mean rabbit” for a cartoon called “Hare-um Scare-um”—and someone labeled the drawings “Bugs’s Bunny.” Hardaway’s mean rabbit was never used—but the name was given to the bunny in the cartoon “A Wild Hare.”

Casper the Friendly Ghost:
Cartoonist Joe Oriolo’s daughter was afraid of ghosts—so he invented one that wouldn’t scare her. “We were looking for a name that didn’t sound threatening,” he says.

Chip ’n’ Dale:
Disney animator Jack Hannah was meeting with colleagues to pick names for his two new chipmunk characters. His assistant director happened to mention Thomas Chippendale, the famous furniture designer. “Immediately,” Hannah remembers, “I said ‘That’s it! That’s their names!’”

Mickey Mouse:
Walt Disney wanted to name the character
Mortimer
Mouse—but his wife hated the name. “Mother couldn’t explain why the name grated; it just did,” Disney’s daughter Diane remembers. Disney wanted the character’s name to begin with the letter M (to go with Mouse)—and eventually decided on Mickey.

Porky Pig:
According to creator Bob Clampett: “Someone thought of two puppies named Ham and Ex, and that started me thinking. So after dinner one night, I came up with Porky and Beans. I made a drawing of this fat little pig, which I named Porky, and a little black cat named Beans.”

Rocky & Bullwinkle:
Rocky was picked because it was “just a square-sounding kid’s name”; Bullwinkle was named after Clarence Bulwinkel, a used-car dealer from Berkeley, California.

Elmer Fudd:
Inspired by a line in a 1920s song called “Mississippi Mud.” The line: “It’s a treat to meet you on the Mississippi Mud—Uncle Fudd.”

Foghorn Leghorn:
Modeled after Senator Claghorn, a fictional politician in comedian Fred Allen’s radio show.

Bestselling children’s book in history:
The Tale of Peter Rabbit
, by Beatrix Potter.

Here’s more info for lefties. Why devote two more pages to the subject? Okay, okay. We admit it—Uncle John is left-handed
.

L
EFT-HANDED STATS

• Lefties make up about 5% to 15% of the general population—but 15% to 30% of all patients in mental institutions.

• They’re more prone to allergies, insomnia, migranes, schizophrenia and a host of other things than right-handers. They’re also three times more likely than righties to become alcoholics. Why? Some scientists speculate the right hemisphere of the brain—the side left-handers use the most—has a lower tolerance for alcohol than the left side. Others think the stress of living in a right-handed world is responsible.

• Lefties are also more likely to be on the extreme ends of the intelligence scale than the general population: a higher proportion of mentally retarded people
and
people with IQs over 140 are lefties.

LEFT OUT OF SCIENCE

• For centuries science was biased against southpaws. In the 1870s, for example, Italian psychiatrist Cesare Lombroso published The
Delinquent Male
, in which he asserted that left-handed men were psychological “degenerates” and prone to violence. (A few years later he published
The Delinquent Female
, in which he made the same claims about women.)

• This theory existed even as late as the 1940s, when psychiatrist Abram Blau wrote that left-handedness “is nothing more than an expression of infantile negativism and falls into the same category as...general perverseness.” He speculated that lefties didn’t get enough attention from their mothers.

LEFT-HANDED TRADITIONS

• Why do we throw salt over our left shoulders for good luck? To throw it into the eyes of the Devil, who, of course, lurks behind us to our left.

Hmm: 61% of college women, but only 28% of college men, say they’re in a “steady relationship.”

• In many traditional Muslim cultures, it is extremely impolite to touch food with your left hand. Reason: Muslims eat from communal bowls using their right hand; their left hand is used to perform “unclean” tasks such as wiping themselves after going to the bathroom. Hindus have a similar custom: they use their right hand exclusively when touching themselves above the waist, and use only the left hand to touch themselves below the waist.

• What did traditional Christians believe was going to happen on Judgement Day? According to custom, God blesses the saved with his right hand—and casts sinners out of Heaven with his left.

• Other traditional mis-beliefs:

If you have a ringing in your left ear, someone is cursing you. If your right ear rings, someone is praising you.

If your left eye twitches, you’re going to see an enemy. If the right twitches, you’re going to see a friend.

If you get out of bed with your left foot first, you’re going to have a bad day.

If your left palm itches, you’re going to owe someone money. If your right palm does, you’re going to make some money.