Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (64 page)

WHAT HAPPENED:
Barton Beers sued. In July 1987, the wholesaler settled out of court, and agreed to declare publicly that Corona “was free of any contamination.”

What’s the biggest dating turn-off for American women? 74% say foul language.

THE RUMOR:
Newspaper baron William Randolph Hearst started the war in Cuba. The legend goes like this: In 1898, Hearst sent the famous artist Frederic Remington to sketch the war for the Hearst newspapers. The only problem: There was no war in Cuba—and Remington didn’t think it would ever start. He cabled to Hearst, “Everything is quiet. There is no trouble here. There will be no war. I wish to return.” Hearst cabled back, “Please remain. You furnish the pictures and I’ll furnish the war”—and then single-handedly used his newspapers to generate enough pro-war public opinion to actually start the war.

HOW IT SPREAD:
James Creelman, a Hearst reporter, first published the story in his memoirs.

WHAT HAPPENED:
He never produced any evidence to support his charge, and Hearst denied the story in private. Many historians question whether the exchange ever took place...but no one knows for sure.

THE RUMOR:
Cellular phones can give you brain tumors.

HOW IT SPREAD:
In February 1993, according to a news report, “A Florida widower alleged on the CNN show ‘Larry King Live’ that the brain tumor which killed his wife in May, 1992 was caused by radio waves emitted by the cellular phone she used. His wife’s monthly cellular bill was $150, roughly twice the national average....He contends the tumor was near the place the antenna of the phone pointed.”

WHAT HAPPENED:
Stock in some cellular phone companies dropped 6% overnight...but later recovered. Motorola, one of the country’s largest cellular phone manufacturers, called a news conference to cite “thousands of studies” that showed the phones do not cause cancer. The Food and Drug Administration found that “there is no proof that there is a cancer threat from these phones.” But the FDA conducted no independent tests before issuing the statement; instead it relied on information submitted by cellular phone manufacturers. All cellular phones on the market in 1993 tested well below federal guidelines for radio-frequency protection; nevertheless, Motorola advised customers “not to press body parts against the antennas of cellular phones.”

Poll results: 17% of “Entertainment Tonight” viewers believe Elvis is still alive.

Think of a typical Western town in the 1870s. Saloons with swinging doors...horse manure all over the street...painted ladies waving at passersby...and gunfights. Lots of gunfights. It was such a popular image that Palisade, Nevada, decided to preserve it. Here’s the story, with thanks to the
People’s Almanac.

A
LEGEND IS BORN

By the late 1870s, the “Wild West” era was winding down. But it was such an entrenched part of American lore that many people hated to see it go.

One town, Palisade, Nevada, decided to keep it alive for as long as possible—by staging fake gunfights for unsuspecting train passengers on the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railroads, which regularly pulled into town for brief rest stops.

The idea got started when a train conductor suggested to a citizen of Palisade that “as long as so many easterners were travelling west hoping to see the Old West, why not give it to them?”

COMMUNITY ACTIVITY

The townspeople took the idea and ran with it: one week later they staged the first gunbattle in Palisade’s history. The good guy was played by Frank West, a tall, handsome cowhand from a nearby ranch; Alvin “Dandy” Kittleby, a popular, deeply religious man (who also happened to look like a villain), played the bad guy.

Just as the noon train pulled into town for a 10-minute stop, Kittleby began walking down Main Street toward the town saloon. West, who was standing near a corral about 60 feet away, stepped out into the street and shouted at the top of his lungs, “There ya are, ya low-down polecat. Ah bin waitin’ fer ya. Ah’m goin’ to kill ya b’cause of what ya did ta mah sister. Mah pore, pore little sister.” Then he drew his revolver and fired it over Kittleby’s head. Kittleby fell to the ground kicking and screaming as if he had been shot, and the passengers immediately dove for cover; several of the women fainted and some of the men may have too.

Q. What’s the world’s largest office building? A. The Pentagon. It holds 25,000 workers.

Ten minutes later when the train pulled out of the station, nearly every passenger was still crouched on the floor of the passenger compartment.

A MILESTONE

That was probably the first faked gunfight in the history of the Wild West, but it wasn’t the last. Over the next three years, the Palisadians staged more than 1,000 gunfights—sometimes several a day.

To keep the townspeople interested and the train passengers fooled, the town regularly changed the theme of the gunfight, sometimes staging a duel, sometimes an Indian raid (in which real Shoshone Indians on horseback “massacred” innocent women and children before being gunned down themselves), and bank robberies involving more than a dozen robbers and sheriff’s deputies.

Those who didn’t directly participate in the gun battles helped out by manufacturing blank cartridges by the thousands and collecting beef blood from the town slaughterhouse. Nearly everyone within a 100-mile radius was in on the joke—including railroad workers, who probably thought the battles sold train tickets and were good for business. Somehow they all managed to keep the secret; for more than three years, nearly every passenger caught in the crossfire of a staged fight thought he was witnessing the real thing. The truth is, the town during these years was so safe that it didn’t even have a sheriff.

NATIONAL OUTRAGE

One group of onlookers that weren’t in on the joke were the metropolitan daily newspapers in towns like San Francisco, Chicago, and New York, which regularly reported the shocking news of the massacres on the front pages. Editorials were written by the dozens denouncing the senseless waste of human life and calling on local officials to get the situation under control. They even called on the U.S. Army to occupy the town and restore order...but since the Army itself was in on the joke, it never took action.

Over time Palisade developed a reputation as one of the toughest towns in the history of the West—a reputation that it probably deserved more than any other town, since it worked so hard to earn it.

Is it the cause or the result? Married men are twice as likely to be obese as single men.

These products cost millions to invent. Their legacy is a few bathroom laughs
.

T
he Studebaker Dictator.
Not exactly “the heartbeat of America” when it was introduced in 1934. According to one auto industry analyst, “after Hitler and Mussolini came to power, a name like Dictator was downright un-American.” Yet incredibly, the nation’s #5 automaker stuck with it for three years.

Bic Perfume.
The snazzy $5.00 perfume that looked like a cigarette lighter. Why wasn’t it a hit with women? According to one industry expert, “It looked like a cigarette lighter.” Bic lost $11 million.

Chilly Bang! Bang! Juice.
The kiddie drink in a pistol-shaped package. Kids drank it by putting the barrel in their mouths and squeezing the trigger. Outraged parents—and complaints from officials in at least two states—got it yanked from the shelves.

Hop ’N’ Gator.
The inventor of Gatorade sold his original drink to a major corporation in 1966. Then, in 1969, he used the money to create another can’t-miss product: a mixture of beer and Gatorade. The Pittsburg Brewing Company tried it out for a couple of years. Unfortunately, people didn’t want Gatorade in their beer.

Zartan the Enemy action figures.
Hasbro promoted the soldier doll as a “paranoid schizophrenic” that becomes violent under pressure. They pulled the product after mental health organizations complained.

Pepsi A.M.
Why not get your morning caffeine from cola instead of coffee? The world’s first breakfast soft drink didn’t get far. Pepsi found out most consumers didn’t
want
a breakfast soft drink—and people who
did
“still preferred the taste of plain old Pepsi.”

Hands Up!
Kids’ soap in an aerosol can, introduced in 1962. Instead of a nozzle, there was a plastic gun mounted on top. You got soap out of the can by pointing the gun at a kid and squeezing the trigger. The Hands Up! slogan: “Gets kids clean and makes them like it.”

Population boom: Cows outnumber people in nine U.S. states.

More origins of common phrases
.

T
OO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE

Meaning:
Working on too many projects at once.

Origin:
“Refers to the blacksmith’s forge, where if the smith had too many irons heating in the fire at the same time he couldn’t do his job properly, as he was unable to use them all before some had cooled off.” (From
Everyday Phrases
, by Neil Ewart)

THE NAKED TRUTH

Meaning:
The absolute truth.

Origin:
Comes from this old fable: “Truth and Falsehood went swimming. Falsehood stole the clothes that Truth had left on the river bank, but Truth refused to wear Falsehood’s clothes and went naked.” (From
Now I Get It!
, by Douglas Ottati)

TO GIVE SOMEONE THE COLD SHOULDER

Meaning:
Reject, or act unfriendly toward, someone.

Origin:
Actually refers to food. In England, a welcome or important visitor would be served a delicious hot meal. A guest “who had outstayed his welcome, or an ordinary traveler” would get a cold shoulder of mutton. (From
Rejected!
by Steve Gorlick)

READ SOMEONE THE RIOT ACT

Meaning:
Deliver an ultimatum.

Origin:
Comes from an actual Riot Act, passed by the British Parliament in 1714, that made it unlawful for a dozen or more people to gather for “riotous or illegal purposes.” An authority would literally stand up and read out the terms of the Act, so that the rioters knew what law they were breaking: “Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons assembled immediately to disperse themselves and peacefully to depart to their habitations or to their lawful business.” If the crowd didn’t disperse, they were arrested. (From
Why Do We Say It?
, by Nigel Rees)

Poll results: 40% of U.S. couples say they first discussed marriage in the back seat of a car.

PASS THE BUCK

Meaning:
Blame someone else; avoid accepting responsibility.

Origin:
“The original buck was a buckhorn knife passed around the table in certain card games. It was placed in front of the player whose turn it was to deal the cards and see that the stakes for all the players were placed in the pool.” Someone who “passed the buck” literally passed that responsibility to the person next to him. (From
Everyday Phrases
, by Neil Ewart)

A BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW

Meaning:
An experience that’s difficult or painful to accept.

Origin:
Refers to taking medicine in the time before doctors had any way to make pills more palatable. “The bark of a New World tree, the cinchona, was effective in fighting malaria. But the quinine it contains is extremely bitter. Widely employed in the era before medications were coated, cinchona pellets caused any disagreeable thing to be termed a bitter pill to swallow.” (From
Why You Say It
, by Webb Garris)

HE’S TIED TO HER APRON STRINGS

Meaning:
A man is dominated by his wife.

Origin:
In England several hundred years ago, if a man married a woman with property, he didn’t get title to it, but could use it while she was alive. This was popularly called
apron-string
tenure. A man tied to his wife’s apron strings was in no position to argue; hence, the phrase came to stand for any abnormal submission to a wife or mother.” (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Marvin Vanoni)

Credit Where Credit Is Due

The name “credit card” was coined in 1888 by futurist author Edward Bellamy, who wrote a fictional account of a young man who wakes up in the year 2000 and discovers that cash has been dumped in favor of “a credit corresponding to his share of the annual product of the nation...and a credit card is issued to him with which he procures at the public storehouses...whatever he desires, whenever he desires it.” Sixty years later, his vision (in slightly altered form) came true.

Atlantic coast seals aren’t afraid of most boats—but they’re scared to death of kayaks.

TV comments about everyday life. From
Primetime Proverbs, by
Jack Mingo and John Javna
.

ON DOCTORS

Henry Blake:
“I was never very good with my hands.”

Radar O’Reilly:
“Guess that’s why you became a surgeon, huh, Sir?”

—M*A*S*H

Sophia:
“How come so many doctors are Jewish?”

Jewish Doctor:
“Because their mothers are.”

—
The Golden Girls

ON GOD

“It’s funny the way some people’s name just suits the business they’re in. Like God’s name is just
perfect
for God.”

—Edith Bunker,
All in the Family

ON FRIENDS

“I’ve never felt closer to a group of people. Not even in the portable johns of Woodstock.”

—Rev. Jim Ignatowski,
Taxi

“A friend, I am told, is worth more than pure gold.”

—
Popeye
The Popeye Cartoon Show

ON GREED

“Oh, yes indeedy, it doesn’t pay to be greedy.”

—Popeye,
The Popeye Cartoon Show