Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (72 page)

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET

In February 2004, Sheba and Inuka, two polar bears at the Singapore Zoo, suddenly turned bright green. Why? Because polar bear fur has hollow hair shafts. The white you see in their fur is actually sunlight reflecting off the shafts. But these shafts can fill with algae, and when they do, the polar bears can turn green. “The harmless algae is the result of Singapore’s warm and humid tropical conditions,” said, a spokesperson for the zoo. The bears got a bleach job a few weeks later, and now they’re back to normal.

NUMBER, PLEASE

Someone at the Oslo, Norway, home of Aleksander Elden dialed 113 (the Norwegian equivalent of 911) at 1:00 a.m. on May 9, 2004. Emergency operators couldn’t make sense of the distressed caller’s whimpering, but they were afraid someone needed help so they called in the police. Elden was the only person home, but he was sleeping and couldn’t have made the call. When they searched the house, they found Raia, Elden’s four-month-old Norwegian Elkhound puppy, lying on the floor next to a telephone covered in saliva and chew marks. “It could only have been her that called,” Elden said. “She was the only one there.”

Pig in a blanket: The blonde Mangalitza pig has thick fleece like a sheep.

REGISTERED DE-MOO-CRATS

Brenda Gould of Newmarket, England, has run afoul of the law by registering her cows to vote. Gould and her husband cooked up the stunt after the town council sent a registration form addressed to the occupants of their barn, and then refused to believe that nobody lived there. “We ignored it until someone came around to ask why we hadn’t filled it in. My husband said, ‘If they want to know who’s living in the barn, we’ll tell them.’” Soon “Henry and Sophie Bull” were registered to vote. The council was not amused and fined the Goulds £100 (about $189). “We never thought it would come to this,” Brenda says. “I don’t suppose we’ll be doing it again.”

HE STOLE HER HEART...AND HER FROOT LOOPS

“Bandit,” listed in the
Guinness Book of World Records
as the world’s fattest pet raccoon, passed away at age 10 in May 2004. Most adult raccoons weigh about 20 pounds; some males grow as large as 40 pounds—Bandit weighed nearly 75. His owner, Deborah Klitsch of Palmerton, Pennsylvania, attributes his girth to: 1) a bad thyroid gland, and 2) Bandit’s penchant for breaking into the kitchen cabinets in the middle of the night to feast on potato chips, Froot Loops, cheese curls, cookies, and other treats. In the last year of his life, Bandit developed cancer, and in the end Klitsch decided to have him euthanized. “I could see he was suffering, because he stopped eating,” she says. “In the entire world, he was my best friend.”

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

A Bristol, Pennsylvania, man named Ed Crossan passed away at the age of 73. He’d always been close to his daughter’s dog, Polo, but family members never realized just
how
close until after his death. A few days after Ed died, his daughter, Donna, let the dog out, and he disappeared. Donna didn’t see Polo again until she went to the Wade Funeral Home to finalize the funeral arrangements...and there was Polo, pacing back and forth in front of the building. “It was just a dog looking for his pal,” says veterinarian Dr. Eric Meihofer. “It’s an amazing story. It shows that the dog was very loyal and loving.”

Route 46 in North Dakota is America’s longest straight stretch of highway (110 miles).

These real inventions might inspire two other inventions: a Stupefied Head-Scratcher and a Mocking-Laugh Suppressor
.

“HIGH FIVE” SIMULATOR

Patent Number:
5,356,330

Invented in:
1994

Description:
Essentially a spring-loaded arm mounted on a wall, the “High Five” Simulator is always ready for a good slap. A fake hand attached to a forearm piece is connected to a lower arm section with an elbow joint for pivoting. When the hand is struck, the raised arm bends backward briefly before returning to the ready position. This invention is perfect for the lonely and excessive high-fiver.

GRAVITY-POWERED SHOE AIR CONDITIONER

Patent Number:
5,375,430

Invented in:
1994

Description:
The air-conditioned shoe can either cool your foot or warm it up, depending on your preference. Hidden inside the shoe’s heel are expanding and compressing chambers powered by the natural pressures that occur while walking. With each step, networks of heat exchange coils work with the chambers to alter the temperature of the air surrounding your foot. End result: A sweat-free (but bulky and cumbersome) shoe.

GREENHOUSE HELMET

Patent Number:
4,605,000

Invented in:
1986

Description:
Why go to the country for fresh air when you can get it at home? Like a cross between a space suit and an indoor garden, the greenhouse helmet fits securely over a person’s head and houses at least one plant. The transparent dome contains the carbon dioxide exhaled by its user while the plants convert the waste into oxygen. (Note: If you make one of these for yourself, be sure to poke some holes in it so you can breathe!)

Over 125 women are known to have fought in the Civil War...dressed as men.

BIRD TRAP AND CAT FEEDER

Patent Number:
4,150,505

Invented in:
1979

Description:
For the crippled cat or the sparrow hater, this invention promises to “continuously supply neighborhood cats with plenty to eat.” The trap lures birds with what appears to be an appealing perch and house, but once the feathered creature climbs through the entrance, it’s caught in a pivoting plastic tube. The tube then lowers, dumping the bird into a wire mesh cage. Specifically designed for sparrows, the mesh is just big enough for the bird’s head to poke through, which draws the cat’s attention. A feeding frenzy presumably follows.

ANTI-EATING FACE MASK

Patent Number:
4,344,424

Invented in:
1982

Description:
The anti-eating device fits to the shape of a person’s head with a series of flexible straps, rods, and hoops, while a grate-like mask covers the user’s mouth from chin to nose, completely preventing the intake of food—except in liquid form. It’s also fitted with a small padlock for insurance. Instead of locking the whole family out of fridge, dieters can lock up their own mouths.

THE INITIATIOR

Patent Number:
819,814

Invented in:
1906

Description:
Before fraternities relied heavily on alcohol to enhance the initiation process, this electric shock treatment helped spark the fun. The apparatus, described as “entirely harmless in its action and results,” was specifically “designed for use in lodges and secret societies.” Two metal rails about an inch wide are laid down as tracks and hooked up to a battery or generator. The victim—pledge or inductee—then walks down the track wearing a pair of shoes with metallic soles, heels, and interior contact plates. Every time the subject takes a step, the electric circuit is opened and closed, continuously shocking whoever dons the metal slippers.

The last time it was possible to see six of the Seven Ancient Wonders was in 224 B.C. (It was never possible to see all seven.)

Religion is a cornerstone of civilization. So when people take pot shots at it, it’s just bad taste...but sometimes kind of funny
.

O
FFENDED FAITH:
Hinduism

INSULT:
In 2000 Hindu groups were outraged by Sittin’ Pretty, a Seattle company that makes toilet seats—with images of Hindu gods on them. The brightly colored seats featured Lord Ganesh and the goddess Kali beneath the lids. “They should stop doing this at once,” said Vijay Pallod, a spokesman for the Hindu Anti-Defamation Coalition. “It’s absolutely the wrong place to put our gods.”

WHAT HAPPENED:
The company apologized and ceased selling the seats.

OFFENDED FAITH:
Baptists

INSULT:
Landover Baptist Church has a Web site. But the church isn’t really Baptist; it’s not even a church—it’s a parody of Christian fundamentalism started by two former students of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University (they were expelled). Landover gets volumes of hate mail every month, testimonials to its ability to offend even people who know it’s a parody. The site’s “news stories” feature such headlines as
Demon-Possessed Baby Bites Off Pastor’s Thumb in Baptismal Pool, St. Patrick's Day: Another Excuse for Catholics to Get Drunk
, and
Can
Star Trek
Help Us Understand Muslims?

WHAT HAPPENED:
Nothing—the Web site is still up and running.

OFFENDED FAITH:
Sikhism

INSULT:
One level of the 2002 video game
Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
takes players inside a temple to shoot turban-wearing “terrorists.” What group wears turbans? Sikhs. And the temple in the game closely resembles the Golden Temple in India, the holiest shrine of Sikhism. Human rights advocates slammed the game’s maker, Eidos, accusing them of inciting violence against Sikhs. “What would the Christian, Muslim, or Jewish people say,” one critic asked, “if their holiest site was depicted as a terrorist hideout?”

WHAT HAPPENED:
Eidos changed the game. “No offense was intended,” they said, “but we apologize to the Sikh community for any offense taken.”

OFFENDED FAITH:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons)

INSULT:
In 2001 the Wasatch Brewery of Salt Lake City came out with a beer called Polygamy Porter. The slogan, “Why have just one?” and a billboard ad featuring a man surrounded by scantily clad women with the words “Take some home for the wives” were not-too-subtle digs at the Mormon Church, which permitted polygamy until 1890.

WHAT HAPPENED:
When the billboard company refused to put up the ad, brewery owner Greg Schirf blamed it on pressure from the church, but canceled the ad campaign anyway. “So many polygamists marry underage women,” Schirf said. “We didn’t want to be at risk for targeting minors.”

OFFENDED FAITH:
Buddhism

INSULT:
In May 2004, a Japanese candymaker introduced a new treat called Snot from the Nose of the Great Buddha, also known as Buddha Boogers. Offended priests from the Todaiji Temple, one of Japan’s most famous Buddhist temples, went to court to try to block the sale of the sweets (they failed). The package features a drawing of the Buddha picking his nose.

WHAT HAPPENED:
At last report, the candy is still being sold.

“The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion.”

—Thomas Paine

After humans, cats thrive in more places on Earth than any other mammal species.

When Uncle John checked his e-mail this morning, he found one from someone claiming to need help moving millions of dollars out of their country. Sound familiar? Here’s some background info on one of the most popular Internet scams of all time
.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

If you’re online, there’s a very good chance that an e-mail similar to this one may be sitting in your in-box right now. Requests for help moving large sums of money out of third world countries are believed to be the second-most common type of spam (after sales pitches for male virility drugs). And as you’ve probably already guessed, the offer
is
too good to be true—it’s a classic scam.

OUT OF AFRICA