Unconditional (3 page)

‘Any boys on the horizon?’ His tone is jokey but his eyes, over the rim of his coffee, are serious.

I shake my head, even as Joe’s face pops into my mind. I don’t know why I’ve thought of him, he barely said two words to me the other night and couldn’t have been less interested. A couple of intense looks, but they could have meant anything. Maybe he just didn’t like my hair.

He’s hardly the type of boy I would usually go for anyway, he’s got trouble written all over him. He’s gorgeous, but that’s as far as it goes. He probably knows it too, and has girls after him left, right and centre. Definitely more Dannii’s type than mine, though he would probably be too high maintenance for her if that surly attitude is typical of him.

I can’t deny it though, as much as I may want to, he’s been on my mind a lot the last few days since I first saw him. I caught myself daydreaming about kissing that gorgeous mouth in a class I’m usually really interested in and had to stop myself quizzing Dannii for more information about him. Perhaps it’s the challenge, the whole unobtainable thing, like with my previous crushes. Yet it feels different. I don’t want to think about him, I’m actively trying not to, and he certainly doesn’t seem like someone I would even get on with, and yet whenever I do, I get a little rush in my belly that I never felt when I was swooning over
Roderick or a handsome teacher.

‘Are you sure?’ Dad’s peering at me and I realise I’m blushing. Again. I hate being pale.

‘No one special,’ I say, and he just looks worried. Great, now he probably thinks I sleep around.

We make small talk for a bit then we drive to Granma’s, who fusses over me and gives me cake. It’s late afternoon before I remember I was going to visit Rianne today. When I ask Dad to drive me there instead of home I’m sure he looks disappointed. Does he really think he could have another chance with Mum?

Apparently so, as it’s the first thing he says when we get back into the car.

‘So, your mum hasn’t met anyone yet then?’ He tries to sound nonchalant, but the look of relief when I shake my head is pitifully obvious.

‘I’m surprised, she’s a beautiful woman. You look exactly like her at that age you know.’

It always makes me feel funny to think that when Mum was my age, they had already had me. Although we’re close she’s always drummed it into me how hard it was having a baby so young, and I can’t help thinking that’s maybe another reason I’ve held off on the whole boyfriend thing. Rianne always looks so tired and stressed out now, having Gabriel seems to have aged her about ten years. And she swears blind she was on the Pill.

Dad looks concerned when he drops me off at her house; a little two up two down right in the middle of the roughest street on the Estate.

‘Do you want me to pick you up later?’

‘I’ll be fine,’ I reassure him. ‘I’ll call Mum if it’s late.’

He tuts and gives me the money for a cab, before letting me out and driving off with a little wave over his shoulder. I wave back, feeling bad for my mean comment earlier. I
suppose it would be kind of nice if he did stick around.

Rianne opens the door looking wild-eyed and I can hear little Gabriel squawking away in the background.

‘He’s been like this for
hours,’
she moans, ushering me in. She’s lost weight, and there are bags under her eyes that you could carry your shopping in.

In the poky front room Gabriel lies screaming in one of those swingy chair things. Rianne picks him up, putting him over her shoulder and patting his back. He stops for a second and looks up at her, then promptly starts screaming again, his little face all scrunched up and red. Rianne looks up at the clock.

‘He’s due a bottle now so he might sleep after, thank God. Here, just hold him a minute.’ She passes the baby to me and hurries into the kitchen.

I freeze, holding a screaming Gabriel in my lap as if he’s made of china. I’ve held him a few times and even changed him once but he’s never been crying like this before, and the way he’s writhing around I’m terrified I’m going to drop him. He looks up at me accusingly with his bright blue eyes full of tears, and I feel an almost primal urge to comfort him, though I wouldn’t have a clue where to start.

Rianne comes back and he reaches for her as soon as he sees the bottle in her hands. As soon as he’s on her lap being fed, his tears disappear and he closes his eyes, making cute sucking noises on the bottle.

‘Where’s Mitch?’ I ask, referring to her boyfriend and Gabriel’s dad.

‘At his mums, getting some sleep. He’s on nights at the factory, and with Gabe screaming like this all day he needs some peace.’

Mitch is a good guy, he’s stood by her and works long hours to provide for them all, but it means she’s on her own a lot, and they’re both exhausted. He’s only eighteen; he
was going to college to study engineering until Rianne fell pregnant. I can’t help wondering if they ever regret their decision, but I’d never ask her that. It must have been like this for Mum and Dad once.

‘How’s Dannii? Is she still with that Brian?’

Shows how close her and Dannii are now.

‘She’s started seeing that Dean Smith, the one that works at Rileys.’

Rianne pulls a face and I laugh. Clearly she thinks as much of Dean’s credentials as a boyfriend as I do. Before I can stop myself, I ask her, ‘Do you know his friend Joe? He lives round here somewhere apparently. I met him at hers the other day, but he was like, really rude.’

Rianne’s eyes light up.

‘The new guy who’s moved in to Mr Roger’s old house with his mum? Yeah, he’s like seriously hot.’

‘That’s the one. It’s his aunt, he said.’ I wonder again what his story is. Maybe his parents disowned him after his stint in jail.

Rianne raises her eyebrows at me knowingly.

‘You like him.’ It’s a statement, not a question. I squirm in my seat, feeling uncomfortable.

‘I only met him the once. I think he’s got an attitude problem.’ I sound snappy, and wonder why I’m being so defensive. Rianne just smiles.

‘You do like him,’ she says again, a bit triumphantly. I ignore her and coo at Gabriel, who’s looking at me over his bottle. He gives me a look of disdain and closes his eyes, gripping his bottle as if he thinks someone might take it. He’s so adorable, at least now he’s stopped crying.

‘He’s bad news,’ I say. ‘Dean said he’s just got out of juvy.’

‘I didn’t know that. Still’ —Rianne looks thoughtful—‘you don’t know what he’s done. You shouldn’t judge a
book by its cover and all that. You want to see some of the looks I got when I was walking around here with a big belly on me. As if I’m some skank and don’t know who the dad is.’

I suppose she’s got a point. Whether it’s teen pregnancy or delinquency, people are always too quick to point the finger.

‘My mum and dad got married; maybe that’s what you and Mitch should do,’ I suggest, and Rianne squeals with laughter.

‘Babe! It is the twenty-first century you know! Besides’ —she looks thoughtful again—‘we couldn’t afford it.’

She goes quiet, and I’m grateful that all I have to worry about financially is saving up enough tips from the café I work at twice a week to afford new jeans. Rianne sits the baby up to pat his back, and as soon as she touches him he lets out a massive burp then hiccups up some milk, making us both laugh. He’s asleep within minutes, and Rianne lets out a sigh of relief. She looks so exhausted I think I should head off and let her get some sleep, but when I suggest it she looks at me in horror.

‘I need some company,’ she pleads, ‘and conversation other than babies.’ Though after twenty minutes of talking music and boys we’re talking about Gabe again, his sleeping patterns – or lack of them – and the teething remedies she’s tried. I don’t even think she realises she’s doing it, so I nod and smile and try to look like I’ve got a clue what she’s talking about. Gabriel wakes up after an hour or so and Rianne starts running a bath, so I say my goodbyes feeling guilty that I’m glad to go. I wish there was more I could do to help, but it’s all so alien to me. Maybe I could ask Mum to babysit and get Rianne out for a bit; though by the look of her she’d probably prefer a few hours sleep.

Walking home I’m glad I’ve left before dark; usually walking through the Estate doesn’t bother me but for some reason this evening it feels creepy, looking grimy and foreboding in the evening half-light. It used to be nice round here, Dad always said, but now every few houses there’s a broken down car or a boarded-up window. I should have got a cab, and I pull out my phone to call one but realise my battery has gone flat. I dither for a minute, wondering whether to go back to Rianne’s and ring one but not wanting to disturb her in the middle of putting the baby to bed. Instead I decide to take the short cut through the park, reasoning that it’s no less dangerous than walking through the whole Estate and at least it’s quicker; the other side of the park is only twenty minutes from my house. I really need to learn to drive; Mum’s got some money put away for my first car but says I have to put in towards the lessons. I keep meaning to, but there’s always a new book or clothes that I want.

As soon as I’m into the park properly and walking past the play area I realise my mistake. A group of guys are draped over the swings and climbing frames, smoking and drinking and talking in low voices. They all look up as they see me coming and the one nearest to me smirks. I wish I had the dog with me. I shove my hands in my pockets and walk with my head down, hoping they won’t bother me and cursing myself for deciding to walk home.

‘Hey, Ash,’ one of them calls, and I look up, recognising one of the boys from school a couple of years ago. I think he dropped out before exams. His name’s Adam something or other, and he’s one of those slouchy guys who always look a bit menacing and look at you like they’re imagining you with your clothes off. I smile and wave, picking my pace up, but he comes jogging after me with his mates behind him. He comes to a halt in front of me, forcing me
to stop. I go to walk on the grass to go around him but he steps with me so he’s still in my way. I roll my eyes, trying to pretend he’s just being a pain, but my heart is hammering and his friends have caught up and are clustering round.

‘Where are you off to then?’ he asks.

‘Just on my way home.’

‘Already? It’s a Saturday night, why don’t you come and have a drink with us?’

I shake my head.

‘Nah, I’ve got stuff to do at home. Thanks though.’ I smile as if I’m really pleased at his kind offer and go to step forward again, but he crosses his arms and doesn’t budge. A lock of greasy hair falls over his forehead from under his cap and he pushes it away in irritation. I notice how dirty his fingernails are. Behind me, his friends are sniggering.

‘We’re going to a club later. Come with us.’ He really doesn’t like taking no for an answer.

I glare at him and say as firmly as I can. ‘Like I said, I’ve got stuff to do. Would you mind getting out of my way?’

Adam just laughs, and not in a nice way. One of the other guys nudges me from behind so that I almost fall into Adam and I spin round glaring, much to his friend’s amusement. There are two boys hanging back a bit, the one who pushed me who is small and ferrety looking and a taller, stockier lad who isn’t laughing but looking at me with a sneer. I’m betting he’s the ringleader, and the reason Adam is showing off.

‘Maybe I would mind,’ Adam says from behind me, so close I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. I tense, wishing I had kept up those self-defence classes last year and trying to remember everything I learnt at the two I went to, when I was actually paying attention and not laughing at Dannii trying to flirt with the instructor. No
doubt if Dannii was here she’d flirt her way out of it.

The taller guy speaks, looking me up and down with undisguised contempt.

‘She doesn’t want to drink with us. Thinks she’s too good for us don’t you?’

I shake my head in protest. ‘I’m just busy,’ I begin, but I hear Adam’s voice again, not even pretending to be friendly now.

‘Yeah, I bet she does. You were always stuck up at school weren’t you, Ash? Little Miss Goody-two-shoes. Not like that mate of yours.’

‘Who’s her mate?’ the ferret-faced one asks, leering at me.

‘Dannii something. Let me feel her tits for a few smokes. Jason’s had a go on her too.’

The taller one, who must be Jason, finally cracks a smile, though it’s more of a smirk. He takes a long swig from his bottle of Bud and gives me a long look.

‘Yeah.’ He nods. ‘She’s a right slut.’

‘She is not!’ I snap. I’ve never heard her mention a Jason; they’re just trying to wind me up. It’s had the desired effect, as Jason laughs and goes ‘oooh’ sarcastically.

‘Why are you hanging around with her then?’ Ferret Boy pipes up. ‘If she’s a slut and you’re stuck up? She can’t be that stuck up, Ads, I bet she’s a little goer really.’

I’ve had enough of this. I turn to face Adam, trying not to cringe away, as he’s so close I can smell his fag and beer breath.

‘I really need to go, Adam. Maybe we can catch up another time?’

But my pretty pathetic attempt at appeasing him falls flat. Instead he pulls me towards him. I push at his chest, but he just laughs, and his mates are crowding up behind me.

‘How about we catch up right now?’ he leans right in as if he’s going to kiss me. Okay, now I’m seriously scared.

‘Let me go!’ I shout and try to twist away but one of the others pushes me again from behind, harder this time, so I have to clutch at Adam to steady myself.

‘Told you she’s up for it,’ the one called Jason crows and grabs me from behind. I thrust an elbow into his stomach, and he winces but doesn’t let go.

‘Little bitch.’ Now I’ve just pissed them off. I open my mouth to scream, then hear another boy’s voice shouting over the park.

‘Hey!’ We all turn towards him but they don’t let go of me.

‘What’s going on?’ The voice sounds familiar and as he comes up to us I realise it’s none other than Dean’s friend Joe. My heart sinks at the thought he might be involved with Adam and his crowd.

‘Ash?’ he recognises me and looks from Adam to Jason and back again. ‘What’s going on?’ he asks again.