Undeniably Yours (22 page)

When he reached out and took Lily from her, Beth practically sagged in relief. “Why didn’t you call me, Beth?”

“I didn’t want to bother you. She just…I’ve done everything. She’s fed, changed, she doesn’t have a rash. No pins sticking in her. No…anything. She just doesn’t want to go to sleep.”

“Then you walk across the hall, hand her to me and tell me it’s my turn.” He repositioned Lily and rubbed her back in gentle circles.

His little princess let out a belch worthy of the blue-ribbon winner of a baked beans eating contest, then nuzzled against him and closed her eyes.

And Beth totally came undone. Sobbing, she collapsed in a chair and dropped her head into her hands. “I burped her. I burped her and burped her and burped her. I can’t even do
that
right. I’m the worst mother ever.”

Definitely not the time to laugh at her. “Beth, come on. Babies do that. When the boys were babies, Lisa would burp the hell out of them and then as soon as Ma took them, they’d let out these hellacious belches.”

She shook her head without looking up. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I’m serious. When Lisa cried and said
she
was the worst mother ever, Ma told her it was something about people are all different shapes, so we push on the baby’s belly and diaphragm or whatever differently. Who knows. Anyway, you need to go to bed.”

“Yes.” She plucked a few tissues out of the box balanced on the arm of the chair and mopped at her face. “I’ll go put her down and then go to bed.”

“Not a chance. This peanut’s going to be starving before you know it and the last thing you need is to get up again in two hours. Go to bed. I’ve got her.” He was going to suggest she take a shower before she crawled between the sheets, but he was afraid she’d fall asleep standing up, fall, hit her head and drown. “Go. To. Bed.”

He knew how deep her exhaustion went when she didn’t even argue or claim she was okay and could handle it herself. She just kissed the top of Lily’s head, tears running down her cheeks, and staggered off in the direction of her bed.

Leaving Kevin with a warm ball of sleeping baby and a dilemma. He didn’t have any formula at his place because it was just as easy to grab bottles from Beth’s. But if he put Lily down to pack her a bag and she woke up screaming again, Mama Bear wouldn’t get to hibernate in peace.

In the end he stretched out on the couch with Lily cradled in his arms. After nudging a couple of the throw pillows under his arm so he’d be less likely to flop around and drop her, he closed his eyes.

For the first time in quite a while, he felt totally content. Under the same roof as Beth, with his daughter in his arms, Kevin willed himself to fall asleep quickly. He’d need all the rest he could get to keep up with his tiny hellion.

And for the talk he and Beth were going to have in the morning.

The sun streaming through her window woke Beth and she sat up straight, her heart thudding in her chest.

It was morning. And not the brutal, still-dark-but-technically-morning hours her daughter liked to keep, but actual morning. Eight o’clock, as a matter of fact.

Why hadn’t Lily cried?

With trembling hands, she shoved back the covers and slid out of bed. And then she remembered Kevin. Remembered the bone-deep exhaustion and the crying—hers
and
Lily’s. The relief so intense tears had streamed down her cheeks as she handed the baby over and crawled into bed. He must have stayed so she could sleep through the night for the first time since Lily was born.

Panic at bay, she pulled on her robe and crept from her room. If Lily was sleeping, Kevin was probably crashed on the couch and she didn’t want to wake him. Then she heard his voice and stopped, peeking around the corner into the kitchen.

He was swaying back and forth with their daughter gazing adoringly into his face from the cradle of his arms. “I’m going to do my best to make sure your life is awesome, but it won’t always be. Those are the times you need to dance in the kitchen the most. It’s good for your soul.”

Beth sighed and leaned her head against the corner of the wall, as enchanted as Lily by the soft, tender timbre of his voice.

“You don’t even need music,” he told Lily. “You can dance to the music in your head. Hopefully not to that country-and-western shit your mother listens to, though. Oh…damn. Don’t say shit, Lily-bean. Or if you do and Mommy hears you, don’t tell her you heard it from me, okay? Tell her Uncle Mike said it.”

She might have giggled if her throat wasn’t all clogged with emotion. Seeing Kevin with Lily always made her feel blessed, but this moment—this was an intensely private moment between a father and his baby daughter and she shouldn’t be eavesdropping.

Backing slowly out of sight, she turned into the bathroom and made some noise flushing the toilet and brushing her teeth. When she walked back into the kitchen, Lily was in her bouncy chair and Kevin was setting two steaming mugs of coffee on the table. He smiled at her and Lily kicked her feet, making herself bounce.

“Morning, sunshine.” He pulled out her chair for her.

“Thanks…for everything.” She sat and wrapped her hands around the mug. “You didn’t have to stay. I just needed a good nap, that’s all.”

“No, a good night’s sleep is what you needed. And we had it all under control, didn’t we, Lily-bean?”

The baby kicked her feet and blew a raspberry at him.

“Don’t listen to her. All under control.” He sat in the chair opposite her and took a sip of his coffee. “I should probably tell you there’s a diaper out in the hall, though, because I didn’t think the trashcan lid would hold it. It was…gruesome.”

“So you put it in the hallway?”

“It was either there or the freezer.”

“Hallway works.”

They were quiet a few minutes, drinking their coffee and watching Lily kick her feet. A quiet family moment, she thought. Almost like they were a real family.

And they could be. She knew all she had to do was say the word and Kevin would have her down at city hall signing a marriage license so fast she’d be lucky if she got her shoes on.

Last night, while she was exhausted and crying and Lily was exhausted and crying, she’d asked herself why she was going through it alone. Right across the hall was a stand-up guy who’d treat them like princesses and shoulder his share of the burden. Hell, probably a good chunk of her share, too, because that’s just the kind of man he was.

If only there was some way to separate their relationship from Lily. She wished they’d had more than one date before the baby sideswiped them, changing everything forever. There wasn’t any way to untangle him as himself or as Dad, or her as herself or as Mom.

She and Kevin had been bed partners. They were friends. Most importantly, they were co-parents. But were they lovers? Not in the sexual sense, but were they two people whose relationship was based on love? No matter what he said, she couldn’t be sure.

“You look better,” Kevin told her, and she was startled to realize she’d been staring into the bottom of her empty coffee mug.

“I feel better. The last couple of nights have been a little tough.” When he opened his mouth, she held up her hand to stop him. “Yes, I should have dragged you out of bed and handed her over.”

“We’ve been together—or non-together or whatever you want to call it—a long time now, Beth. I don’t know what else I can do to make you believe you don’t have to go it alone.”

“I’m trying.”

He looked sad more than anything. Beaten. “A year. It’s been almost an entire year and sometimes I don’t feel like we’re closer to…anything, than when we started.”

“Please don’t do this right now.”

“Then when?”

“When I’m not a wreck. When I’ve had more than six consecutive hours of sleep in a month. I don’t know, but not right now.”

“And then she’ll be teething and then it’ll be something else.”

“I can’t do any more than this, Kevin.”

“Maybe you could see about my mom watching Lily so we could go out for dinner.”

“It’s too soon.” She stood and walked toward the coffeemaker so she wouldn’t have to see his face. “How about I make us some breakfast?”

***

Kevin felt himself hit the wall—a big brick wall he couldn’t go through and could see no way around. A dead end.

“I can’t go on like this, Beth.”

Her shoulders slumped as though she recognized the note of finality in his voice. “We decided a long time ago the best thing we could do for Lily was be friends.”

“We are friends. But I love you, Beth.” There. He’d said it again. “I want to be your husband, too.”

He could see by the rising panic on her face he wasn’t going to get the answer he was looking for. And once she said no, he was going to have to cut her loose. No more playing at house from across a hallway divide.

He’d find a nice place for rent and make sure his child-support checks covered it so she and Lily could live in a real house with a nice yard. His daughter would come to visit as often as possible. She’d have a special suitcase for going to Daddy’s and he and Beth would make inane small talk when he picked Lily up and dropped her off again.

His gut ached at the thought, but he couldn’t stand life on the wrong side of the door anymore. He finally understood that old cliché
so close yet so far.

“I’m tired of living across the hall from the woman I love and my daughter. Tired of having two doors and a hallway between me and my family.”

“And I’m tired of knowing I wouldn’t ever have seen you again if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I’m tired of wondering if anything really holds us together besides Lily. And I don’t want to get married and then spend my whole marriage like Lisa, wondering if it’s not real under the surface.”

“Everything I feel for you is real, Beth.” He didn’t know how to make it any more clear than he had. “And I think we’ve proven we don’t need to marry for Lily’s sake. She’s born, she’s named, her parents are friends. If we go our separate ways, she’ll spend time with us both and be fine, just like all the other kids out there whose parents aren’t married or get divorced.”

Beth sat back down at the table and he wondered if she realized her coffee cup was still empty. “What do you mean by go our separate ways?”

“I told you I can’t go on like this anymore. And, while it’s not a big deal right now, before we know it, Lily will be up and about. She can’t live in a third-floor apartment over a bar without so much as a blade of grass to play in. It’s time to start looking for a place and the only question is whether or not I’ll be going with you.”

Her face paled. “See? I knew this would happen. Our relationship’s falling apart and now I need a new place to live.”

Only the fact that Lily was gurgling to herself in her seat kept his temper in check. “Don’t do that, Beth. Don’t make it sound like I’m throwing you out in the street. I’m talking about finding a decent house for you and the baby that you’ll be able to afford with support checks.”

“That’s not what I want from you.”

“Then what
do
you want?” She only shook her head, staring into the bottom of her cup. “You want things to continue on as they are, but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry. I want more.”

“I don’t think I have any more to give right now. But I don’t want… I don’t know.”

Rather than sit there and keep beating his head against the brick wall, Kevin took that as his cue to leave. He stood up and, after kissing Lily, turned to Beth, who looked as miserable as he felt. “You need to think about it for a few days and then we’ll talk again. We’re either going to have a real relationship or we’re going to go our separate ways and share custody of Lily. Let me know.”

He walked out before he could change his mind—before the sadness in her eyes made him take it all back and tell her they were okay. Because he wasn’t okay.

And if she told him it was over—that she’d decided they should go their separate ways—he might never be okay again.

***

Those are the times you need to dance in the kitchen the most. It’s good for your soul.

In the middle of the night, with the radio quietly playing a sad country song, Beth danced with her daughter in the kitchen. It was a song about love and loss and heartbreak, and she tried to keep her tears from dripping onto Lily as she swayed with her in her arms.

She missed Kevin. Even though he was in the same place he was every night, probably doing the same thing, it felt different tonight. He was just across the hall, but so very far away. And unlike the countless other times they’d danced around the subject of their relationship, she wasn’t sure he’d come back this time.

That hurt more than any of the possibilities she’d spent the last…well, almost a year considering. She’d spent so much time worrying about what would happen if she let him in and he left her, she drove him away.

Now that he was gone, she could see it. Even if they went their separate ways, as he’d said, they’d make it work. They’d maintain a good relationship and Lily would be fine, just like he’d said.

Beth was the one who wouldn’t be fine. She wanted him back.

Over the top of Lily’s head, a square of white on the counter caught her eye. It was a Jasper’s napkin and for the first time since Kevin walked out the door, she smiled.

Ten minutes later she sucked up her courage and dialed his number. He answered on the second ring, his voice heavy with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Lily’s okay. I…can you come over for a few minutes?”

“I’m already over. Unlock the door.”

He was standing in the hall in nothing but a pair of sleep pants, with his hair mussed and the phone still held to his ear. She felt a pang of guilt for calling him in the middle of the night—he must have thought something was wrong with the baby and literally run across the hall.

“What’s the matter, Beth?” he asked, coming in and closing the door behind him.

“Nothing.” Lily squirmed in her arms, wanting her daddy. “We were…”

She stopped as Kevin set his phone on the table so he could take his daughter, giving her cheek a nuzzle. It sounded stupid now, Beth realized, and she shouldn’t have dragged him out of bed in the middle of the night.

“You were what?”

Sighing, she resigned herself to telling him the whole story. “Lily and I were dancing in the kitchen and…we missed you.”

“You did, huh?” He moved closer to her, cradling Lily in one arm. He didn’t look like he thought she was stupid for calling. And he didn’t look angry or sad, either. He looked hopeful and that made her feel hopeful, too.

“Yes.” She swallowed hard when he stroked her cheek with his free hand. “It didn’t feel right without you there.”

“I’m here now.” He slid his arm around her waist, tucking Lily in between them, and started swaying a little.

She swayed with him. “We made you something.”

“Wow. Dancing. Arts and crafts. I had no idea my girls were so busy in the middle of the night.”

His girls. Warmth flooded her and she handed him the napkin before she could change her mind. He had to let go of her waist to take it, but he stayed close enough so she had a front-row seat to his reaction.

She didn’t own a Do-Me Fuchsia lipstick, but she had a dark blush color that showed up against the white. Above the Jasper’s logo were two lipstick kisses—hers and a tiny, puckered imprint of Lily’s. Under the logo she’d painstakingly written her message in the same lipstick.
We love you.

He looked at it a long time, until anxiety started gnawing at the warm glow she’d had going on. Even Lily started squirming, as though she felt the tension suddenly making her mother’s stomach hurt.

Then he looked at her and the hot intensity in his gaze turned her breathless. “We?”

“I love you.” It was so much easier to say than she’d thought it would be. It felt so right and seemed to loosen a band constricting her heart.

“You kissed a napkin for me.”

“It must be true, then.”

“Just so we’re on the same page here, I want it all. I want you to be my wife. I want to find a nice house outside the city with a big backyard.”

She looked up into his eyes, almost afraid to believe it. “I want that, too.”

“And someday, when this monkey finds a guy willing to marry her, I want to dance with you at her wedding and look at you the way Pop still looks at my mother.”

“Yes.” She wanted that, too.

Holding Lily in his right arm, he scooped Beth close with his left and kissed her. “Dance with me.”

She put her arms around Kevin and their daughter and laid her head on his chest. “Always.”