Undercover (16 page)

Jenny snuggled closer to Alex, drawing comfort from his solid and warm body next to hers. “That would be terrible. Just imagine the choking smoke, and the pain.”

She expected him to say something soothing, maybe hug her tighter, but he sighed, got up, and walked towards the door.

Her eyes wandered between the TV and her husband. It was much too farfetched to be true, wasn’t it?
Something
was wrong anyway. “Alex, where are you going?”

He didn’t look back. “I’m going to shoot myself. I should have done that a long time ago.”

It took several seconds for his words to penetrate her mind. As much as she hoped he was joking, she didn’t think so. Once her brain caught up with reality she jumped out of the sofa and flew across the room. A second later, she pushed him backwards, towards a chair. When his legs bumped against the edge, he was caught off guard, couldn’t keep his balance, and sat down heavily. She hurried to jump up on his lap, facing him. Her weight wouldn’t be enough to keep him there if he wanted to get up, but it was the best she could do. “What’s gotten into you?”

Alex’s eyes wandered over to the TV, where they were interviewing someone from the fire department. The man looked very official, and said they suspected arson.

He put his hands on her waist and she pressed herself downwards in an attempt to become heavier. If he wanted to lift her away, it shouldn’t be easy.

His face was almost gray, and his grip on her too hard. “You see it. Right there. They… They didn’t suffer. They were dead when the fire started.”

The world wobbled around her. After their trip to Russia she should have seen something like this coming, but she could never have imagined it actually happening to them. “Can they trace it to you?”

She wanted to faint just to get away from reality. She wasn’t afraid
of
him, but for him. She had known he was able to kill other people for years, but he was also the man she loved, and her conflicting emotions made her shaky and sick. Alex whispered, “I doubt it. Not unless I’m disobedient anyway.” He added in a gentle voice, “I can’t do this anymore, Jenny. You know I would do anything to protect you and the pumpkin, and I do, but if I wasn’t here, there would be no threat. This would still have happened, but at least, you two would be safe. I have to put an end to this before you start to hate me, and before Lindsay understands her father is a monster.”

“No. No—no—no.” Repeating the word might not make him hear it better, but it made her
feel
better. “There has to be another way. You are
not
leaving us. Not like that. I love you, you know that. I need you, Alex. Don’t you even
dare
think of doing a thing like that.”

She raised her voice without meaning to, and almost shouted the last words. He opened his mouth to say something, but the only thing that came out was, “But—”

“There will be no buts!”

Alex blinked and reached for his glass, but she slapped his hand away from it. “Are you listening to me? I don’t hate you, I love you. You’re not a monster. I don’t think you go around killing people for fun and it’s time for all this insanity to end, even if we have to move to…” She couldn’t think of any country far enough away, and finally burst out, “… Kenya.”

“Are you done?”

She wanted to yell more, but couldn’t think of anything. “I guess.”

“I love you, Jenny, but this has got to stop. There might not be another way.”

“There has to be.”

He made an exasperated gesture.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head and ran his hands over her back. She knew she won when he mumbled, “Not now, I can’t… Maybe later.”

She had to shake him out of this, whatever it was, for all their sakes. She said the first thing that came to mind, “Come with me to the hot tub.”

It sounded silly, but was as good an idea as any. Besides, she didn’t have to use a lot of imagination to think he still carried the smell of smoke and blood.

Alex shook his head again, but now there was a trace of a smile on his lips. “Jenny, I do not want to bathe.”

She pulled her jumper over her head, showing a lot of soft skin and silky underwear. “Sure you do.”

Trailing a couple of fingers over her skin, tracing the line of her bra and crossing over it to her nipples, he whispered, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I do.”

She knew an opportunity when she saw one, and kissed him hungrily.

*****

Alex knew Jenny kept her eyes on him the rest of the evening; she didn’t let him out of her sight. When night fell he was reluctant to go to bed, but pretended to be normal the best he could. It was a difficult role to play. He didn’t want to frighten her more, but he doubted this make-believe life could last much longer. So many problems would have been solved and so many bad things would never have happened if he had just shot himself the first time he wanted to. On the other hand, he wouldn’t exchange the years with Jenny and Lindsay for anything.

Once he lay down and held her in his arms, it wasn’t too bad. Sleep was out of the question, but having her close was comforting. Jenny leaned on her elbow and poked his chest. “You’re not going to do anything dumb if I go to sleep, are you?”

“I promise to stay right here.”

She frowned, clearly trying to ascertain whether he was lying or not, and when she rested her head down again, she wrapped both an arm and a leg over him, as if wanting to keep him in place. It made him smile in spite of all. She eventually fell asleep in his arms, and they never talked about that evening again.

Chapter Twenty

Meeting Jenny and getting his own family changed Alex profoundly, and the events from Chicago scarred him. Even the old him would have reacted over missions affecting children, and the new him was more disturbed by it than he could confess even to himself. Their blood was on his hands, and at times he thought he could see it.

From time to time, he saw the little girls from the corner of his eyes. They would sneak up on him in the most unexpected situations; when he was working, when he ate, even when he made love with Jenny. He dreamed about them, and he was sure he was going crazy. The next time he worked up the courage to take himself out of the equation he had to be smarter about it. Jenny mustn’t know. It would be easy if she didn’t know; she wouldn’t be able to stop him. The only problem with the brilliant idea was that he didn’t want to die. He loved his life with his girls, and he wanted to stay with them.

As much as he tried to hide his struggle, he knew that Jenny noticed. He hoped she didn’t realize the full extent of his problems, but she certainly knew the cause. Most nights, he managed to fall asleep just fine, but woke in the middle of the night and slipped out of bed as quietly as he could.

She always came to look for him, and he suspected she never really slept. Most of the time he just wandered around the house in the darkness, but sometimes he sat in Lindsay’s room, watching over the sleeping girl.

One day when he behaved particularly backwards, she suggested, “Maybe you should try talking to someone?”

He laughed and shook his head, and the frown forming over her nose told him she didn’t understand where her line of thinking went wrong, or why it was funny. “Yes, you should call a counsellor for me and tell them your husband had to kill a mother and two children and burn their corpses, and he has some problems coping with it.”

She stared at him and walked away, and he wanted to hit himself. He shouldn’t take his problems out on her. “Damn.”

He found her sitting by an upstairs window, looking out and weeping quietly. Pulling her into his arms, he murmured, “I’m sorry. I will do better.”

Weeks turned into months, and he did do better. Jenny’s and Lindsay’s love combined with the peaceful setting began to heal him, but it took time, and he suspected he would have to struggle with this for years to come.

*****

Almost two years passed in peace. They went to work, had lunches together, cooked dinners together, and made love. They watched movies, read, and played games, and Alex taught Jenny and Lindsay Russian.

She was completely unprepared when he came down to her office one day with a troubled look on his face. It was getting time for them to pick Lindsay up after day care, and she didn’t have a trouble in the world. That was, until her beloved said, “We need to talk.”

Those four words frightened her. She loved him so much, and the one thing she feared in the world was losing him. What if he found someone else? There were many beautiful women, and he was a good looking and charming man. At times, she had to remind herself he left everything for her.

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I know it’s a bit early, but can we go now? Let’s take a walk.”

He had snuck into her office to kiss her the very same morning, and he hadn’t shown anything that could indicate he was running away with someone else. She should stop being silly.

Pushing her worries to the side, she jumped out of her slippers and into real shoes. When she took her purse, Alex reached for her hand. The little gesture made her feel better.

They left through a back door that led to a big and almost deserted parking lot. Alex let go of her hand and put his at the small of her back instead. A part of her thought it meant, “Make Love,” but a more reasonable part insisted on, “Hurry.”

“Let’s go take a look at that electrical station over there. From the backside.”

It was a huge thing, supplying not only the plant but half the town with electricity. She went along with it, and they strolled, trying to look as if they weren’t hurrying. “I don’t like that thing. It makes me feel like every hair on my body prickles, and it hums.”

“I know. These things have strong magnetic fields around them.”

He sounded suspiciously pleased. He wrapped his arms around her and drew her near, and she rested her head against him, struggling to suppress this new fear that welled up inside. She had almost forgotten the last time he had to go away, the horrors she almost managed to suppress, and she shuddered. “Lover…”

He whispered, “Ssssh,” and kissed her.

It was unexpected, and she murmured, “Ooh, this is nice.”

He kissed her forehead and held her close. “If they have surveillance on us, the electrical fields here will help disturb the microphones.”

People spying on them was scary, but it was a known fear. “For a moment, in the office, I thought you were going to say you’re leaving me.”

“What?” He cupped his hands around her face. “What would make you think such a thing? Have I been a neglectful husband? I know sometimes women flirt with me, but I try to never do it back.” She wanted to shake her head and say no, but there wasn’t any time. He continued earnestly, “I love you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. If you think I even look at other women in the wrong way, just hit me.”

She whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m a silly, jealous girl.”

He still seemed flabbergasted. Kissing usually distracted him, so she trailed her lips over his neck, finding that special sensitive spot and teasing it with the tip of her tongue. Alex laughed softly. “I can’t think when you do that.”

Jenny grinned like a contented cat. “Oh, what a shame. Let’s leave Lindsay at daycare and go somewhere and make out.”

He made a pleased little sound, somewhere between a chuckle and a moan. “We
are
making out.”

“So, if you didn’t bring me here to tell me that you’ve found a new love, what did you want to talk about?”

“I got a message today. It is very strange; it makes no sense at all.”

*****

The man on the phone had been cryptic indeed. Alex was used to getting instructions that were at least fairly clear. He was assumed to be able to act on his own, to read situations and make decisions, but he always had the goal of the operation clear to him. Without that, he couldn’t act.

The words seemed absurd when he heard them, and they still were. “You will take your wife on a vacation. We will provide tickets and a hotel room.”

It could mean anything from a full scale attack on America to having him hijack a plane, or maybe someone decided he wasn’t useful anymore and wanted to get rid of them. There were too many unknowns, especially if Jenny was with him. He might be disposable, but she was not.

Jenny rubbed her cheek softly against his. “We’re going to Italy? I like Italy.”

“How do you know, I thought you haven’t been there.”

“I like pizza and wine, and I’ve seen photos. It’s beautiful. Luciana at the store is from Italy. She’s very sweet.”

Her simplistic view on the situation made him smile in spite of all, but he still shook his head. “I don’t know about this. Where was it you wanted to go? Kenya?”

“How do you even remember that? I don’t want to go anywhere at all, except to make love.”

Alex knew he was defeated. She didn’t want to talk about it, and he wouldn’t be able to make her. She pressed herself against him, making it impossible to think and reason, and he gave in and kissed her hungrily.

When pulling out of the kiss, she suggested, “You know, the office should be getting empty now. Everyone will hurry out on a nice day like this. We’ve never done it on my desk.”

She squeezed his buttocks. How was a man supposed to resist temptation like this? How could any man think when women were so soft and warm and smelled so nice?

*****

Back in the office with the door locked behind them, this was clearly one of the best ideas Jenny ever had. It did make the office rather messy since most of her things and papers ended up on the floor, but those were unimportant details. His hands and firm body were important, and his warm mouth.

They were late in picking Lindsay up, of course. Jenny went into the daycare center, wondering if she smelled like sex and if everyone would know
why
she was late. Her daughter’s voice greeted her, hollering, “Mommy, I’ve waited
forever
.”