Undertow (34 page)

“And the house on the island?” I said, reminding her of what she had wanted. “The money, the prestige. Those things never mattered to you?”

“Not enough to give away my family. Or wait until I’m too old to try and have another baby.”

I groaned through an exhale. “You’re twenty three. That’s younger than most girls who’ve even
started
having babies. And this is all way off the point. You lied to me.”

She rolled her eyes. “And you just insist on making this the worst thing that could ever happen to us.”

“Lying to me is pretty bad.”

“Fine!” She cried. “I get it. I’m a terrible wife. So what do you want to do? Divorce me?”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“I don’t know what else to say. It’s done now.”

“And I just have to deal with it.” Saying the words made my stomach burn with anger. “Why couldn’t you just get a part time job? Work at the hospital again? Volunteer at school?”

“I didn’t want to work at the hospital. It reminded me too much of Daddy.”

“What about volunteering at the school?”

“I didn’t think of that.” She looked down and pushed her hair behind her ear, and it was clear she still wasn’t taking this seriously.

“I can’t talk to you anymore,” I said, going to the door. “I’ll be at the office if you need anything.”

March 15, 19--

I’ve slept at the office a week now.

Alex came in the second morning and saw me, and I have to give her credit. I half expected her to rush to Meg’s side immediately, ready to tell me how unreasonable I was being. But she didn’t. Instead she sat on the couch beside me, two coffees in hand.

“Sleeping at work?” Her voice was gentle. “That’s terrible for those thousand-dollar suits.”

I sat up and took one of the steaming cups. “Thanks. I haven’t felt like going home.”

“Don’t be mad at her,” she said softly. “I mean, it was wrong of her to do that, but she’s going to get her share of payback when those twins arrive. I think she’s just as worried as you are now.”

Her dark eyes blinked to mine and she smiled. I studied her pretty face. First we were friends, and now we were allies?

“It just really burned me,” I said. “I specifically asked her not to do it, and she did it anyway. It’s like I can’t even trust her now.”

“Well, she can’t get pregnant again. You should go home and kiss and make up.”

I shook my head and looked down. “I’m too angry.”

“But you love Meg, right?” She leaned down and tried to catch my eye. “Those babies won’t be here for at least six months, and a lot of these projects are almost done. It’ll work out.”

I glanced at her. “Maybe they can stay at your house.”

“Whoa, hang on,” she laughed. “I’m being supportive over here. I’m not crazy.”

I smiled then, but I was still mad. At least I wasn’t brooding anymore.

Still it didn’t make a difference. I tried, but I couldn’t go home. I thought about our conversation, and Alex was right. I had to forgive Meg. I just couldn’t figure out how when she didn’t seem to understand how much she’d damaged my ability to trust her. To love her.

Maybe I was thinking about it too much.

Last night Alex stayed late to talk to me again. She tried to take the blame for it all. She tried to convince me it was her fault that Meg had tricked me—that she’d told Meg to do it.

At first I was angry at both of them, but when I saw Alex’s worried face, the tears in her eyes, I knew the truth. She might’ve said the words, but she could never have acted on them. The thought might’ve crossed her mind in a moment of frustration. But she would never have actually done it herself. And she was stunned by the knowledge that Meg would. That Meg did.

I looked into her tear-filled eyes and I knew. She would never have held me in her arms, kissed my lips, and lied to my face.

April 5, 19--

It’s been more than a year since that night in the office.

It’s been less than a month since that day on the boat.

I never expected it to happen when I gave everyone the afternoon off, but looking back, I should’ve seen it coming a mile away. I should’ve realized it could happen after Tango Sol. I should’ve known it could happen after the showdown over the twins.

I set myself up for the fall, and I walked right into it.

I was furious with Meg and carrying the twins had been difficult for her. We hadn’t slept together since she told me. Even after they were born, when she was feeling better and we might’ve made up, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let it go. I wasn’t trying to punish her, but whenever I looked at her, resentment burned in me.

A year had passed.

One year.

That amount of time makes you wonder what it’s all about. It makes you feel like a free agent or something. Like nobody even cares any more. Meg was back to her old self, but I wasn’t back at her side. I didn’t want to be.

Then I thought about how it happened. About Alex on the boat, wearing my shirt over her bikini. Her long, brown hair swaying in the breeze.

What was I thinking when I’d suggested we go for a sail, just the two of us? I don’t even know now. It seemed like I thought it would be innocent. It was the first time we’d been out on the boat as friends. Back in the day, we’d always been at odds, and she’d always been frowning on my boat with me. Now everything had changed.

I loved the water so much, and any time I thought of relaxing, it was there. I wanted her with me, smiling this time. When I’d playfully grabbed her, I never expected the look in her eyes. Her brown eyes that were so deep and warm. She wanted me. And in that look, all the feelings I’d been fighting for her swept over me, pulling me under.

It was hard to think about what happened next. I was always so controlled, but I lost it then. I took her, and I could still feel her soft skin against my lips, her legs wrapped around my waist. She was as passionate and sensual as I’d imagined. With her on my lap, my hands moved from her silky hair down her smooth back to her waist and up to her small breasts. My mouth followed suit, tasting every part of her body I could find. I lay her back on the bed with my brain on fire. I didn’t even hesitate in exploring her, and when we’d come together, it happened too fast. We were both satisfied, but I had to hold her again. I had to go slower, to remember.

The second time changed everything. She looked at me with those serious eyes, stroking my forehead, my face. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but I could see it in her expression. She loved me. And I loved her. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her deeply, again and again. We truly made love. And we fell asleep wrapped in each others’ arms, my lips pressed to her forehead.

I woke up and she was gone. And now she won’t see me.

She’s right. I know she’s right. We can’t see each other. Not now. It had been too easy to pull her to me, and it could too easily happen again.

I can’t lie. I want it to happen again. I find myself envisioning things…

Things that would never work.

I should never have lost control. Now the knowledge of what it was like to be with her, the memory of us together, is always in my thoughts.

I should’ve let her go to Atlanta like she suggested. But I couldn’t.

Somehow the knowledge she’s still here keeps me going.

Driving to work this morning, I surveyed the massive structures going up all across Dolphin Shores Boulevard. It was the product of Bryant’s and my big gamble. We knew it was a sure thing, and now we were getting interviews from business magazines and leaders across the industry wanting our advice. A few more months, and we’d have more money than we’d know what to do with. We could even move the offices from that Brown Jones rental to the penthouse suites of Phoenician I.

I noticed a white sheet on my chair as I unlocked the door and walked into my corner office. It was a cool morning, and I looked out across the intercoastal waterway as I opened the note. I recognized her swirling script. One sentence, and I dropped it to the floor.

“
I’m pregnant. –A
.
”

April 6, 19--

I stayed late last night to see her.

I’d agreed she wouldn’t see me again, but not after that. When she walked in the door, I was struck by her beauty. It seemed even more intense, despite her apparent exhaustion. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. I wanted to smooth her hair back and make love to her. I wanted her to say she missed me as much as I missed her, that her insides ached like mine now that we never saw each other.

But I couldn’t do that.

She’d asked me to stay away, and I was taking a big chance being here now.

“Alex,” I said softly.

Her dark eyes flicked up. “I guess you got my note.”

“I did.” I took a step toward her, but she turned to her desk and started unpacking her bag.

“I didn’t want to see you. I just wanted you to know.”

I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice, but I wasn’t sure I was successful. “What can I do?”

“Nothing,” she answered quickly. “Or… I don’t know. Help me figure out what to do.”

My heart beat a little faster at the invitation. “I’ll help you any way I can,” I said. “I’ll give you money. I’ll give you anything—”

“I don’t want your money,” she said, looking down. “I don’t… I don’t know what I want. You needed to know, but I can’t have you in my life like that.”

“I want to be in your life. I want us to be together.”

She faced me then, eyes blazing. God, she was gorgeous. “Are you crazy? Have you completely forgotten about your wife and three children? What’s wrong with you, Bill?”

I cleared my throat and looked down, rubbing my forehead. “I haven’t forgotten. I’ll take care of them. I’ll take care of them forever, but… I can’t stop thinking about you, about us. We have to be together.”

“Because of what happened on the boat?” She shook her head. “That was nothing to base anything on. You were still angry, and I was drunk. Or stupid. Or both.”

There was no way I was letting her dismiss it that way. I knew better. “It was a lot more than that and you know it.”

“Well, that’s too damn bad. It’s too late for that. Years too late. There’s Meg.” She took a quick breath and shoved her hands in her hair. “Oh, god, I can’t stop thinking about Meg. But even if it wasn’t for her, you’re my boss. You’re married and you have three children. Can’t you see how this looks? It would ruin you. Have you really worked so hard to just throw it all away like that?”

“I don’t care about those things.”

“Yes, you do.” She dropped her hands hard. “Don’t even say that to me.”

“Okay, yes, I care about my work and what we’re doing here. But before you came back that was all I cared about. I didn’t even know I could care about anything else until you.” The pain in my stomach made me reflexively touch my midsection. “God, Alex. Just seeing you makes me happy.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “Stop it! It doesn’t matter, and it’s not going to change anything.”

I took another cautious step toward her. I was ready to beg. “Really? Do you really mean that?”

“I am not going to be the person who destroys Meg’s home.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “She’s my best friend. My sister. I could never be happy if I hurt her like that. I could never be happy with you knowing what it cost her.”

I released the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and slowly turned away. I walked to the windows to stare out at the darkness. I was beaten. I could never win this fight with her.

“I know,” I said quietly. “I knew you would say that. I’ve been going over and over it in my mind, but I knew in the end you would always say those words.”

Her voice was small. “I do care about you, and if things were different…”

“But they’re not.”

“They’re not,” she repeated.

I turned back and tried to smile through the pain. “So what now? What do you want from me?”

She tried to smile back, but a single tear hit her cheek. It ripped me in two.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’d like to have this baby if that’s okay with you. You don’t have to do anything. I can take care of us, and you won’t ever have to worry—”

“I’m not worried,” I said. “Whatever makes you happy.”

“I’m sorry if you’re angry,” her voice broke. “I’m sorry if… if I’ve hurt you.”

“There’s no need to apologize. You’re right. Of course, you’re right. About everything.” There was only one thing I wanted. “I just… I hope you’ll stay here. I’d like to be able to see you. Both of you. Even if it’s from a distance.”

Her brow creased. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“I won’t force you, but I wish you would. That way I could help you if you ever needed it. You wouldn’t even have to ask, just let me know somehow.”

She nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

I walked slowly to where she stood and reached down to take her hand. I looked at it a moment, thinking how precious it was to me now. “I want to know that you’re okay.”