Underwater (23 page)

I couldn’t help but compare him to a wounded animal.

Toby stood behind him at a safe distance, gauging his reaction. When he gathered enough courage to place his hand on his shoulder, Dorian turned his head fast as lightning, eyes wild and untamed, hissing at him. Toby snatched his hand away and recoiled back. He lowered his head and sighed heavily in surrender.

I stood there, rooted in place, watching how this broken man was suffering the consequences of war. He looked unpredictable and unnerved. I just wanted to hug him.

I stepped forward until I was standing next to Toby. He turned his head towards me, defeat etched into his face. He looked older, as if a few years had been added to his life. I could only imagine what it felt like for him to deal with Dorian on a daily basis.

He looked utterly tired.

Coming to terms with what I should do, I nodded at him, letting him know that I would take it from here. Before I could take another step, his hand grabbed my arm, shaking his head as he told me without words that I should leave Dorian alone.

I placed my hand over his while looking him straight in the eyes, and mouthed,
I got this
. With an apologetic look, I resumed my steps until I was close enough to touch Dorian. At the last moment, I changed my mind and decided to settle on the ground in front of him, bringing my legs close to my chest, and my arms around them. Staring at Dorian in complete silence, I noticed Toby out of the corner of my eye moving back until his body touched the brick wall. With his eyes still trained on us, he crossed his arms against his chest, and gave us the privacy to be on our own, while at the same time watching over us.

With a sigh, my focus returned to Dorian, who was sitting all alone on the cold ground, looking lost and out of place. Softly, I whispered, “Dorian...”

I knew he was aware of my presence. His body had tensed, and the hands that’d been assaulting his hair a few moments ago, now wrapped around his bent legs, squeezing his knees until I could see his knuckles turn white.

“Dorian, I want you to know that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Maybe it was my presence. Maybe it was my voice. Maybe it was the meaning behind my words, because ultimately, he raised his head until his stormy blue eyes connected with mine. Nothing was said between us as we studied one another. I could feel my heart speed up, feeling flustered under his hard scrutiny. His eyes fell to my nose, and then trailed down to my mouth. He spent longer than necessary inspecting my lips, like he was learning every line and every shade of them.

I felt like a blank canvas and his eyes were painting me from scratch.

His cheek then found its place across his arm, mirroring my posture, like a reflection of one another, communicating without words.

I thought I had lost you
, he told me without making a sound.

Never
, my eyes answered back.

Then, faintly, he murmured, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, brushing my cheek against my sweater. “Don’t be,” I said in a whisper. “I’m not mad at you.”

He raised his eyebrows and was about to say something, but I cut him off. “Was I surprised? Yes, I was. Was I scared? Yep. Helpless?” I nodded. “But mad? Absolutely not. I knew you had an episode, Dorian. I don’t blame you.”

His eyes softened as he watched me, and the creases that seemed like a permanent scar between his brows began to fade.

“I thought,
that’s it, you fucking lost her
,” he said gruffly. Lifting his head, he tightened his hold, bringing his knees even closer to his chest. “I thought you’d gotten fed up with my shit, and you couldn’t handle me anymore. That you didn’t want
me
anymore.”

Inside my chest, I heard what sounded like ice cracking. It was the sound of my heart breaking.

I inched closer to him. He opened his legs to give me better access, and I closed in, until our bodies were firmly pressed together, and I held him. “How could I possibly not want you?”

His arms wrapped around me until they came to rest on the small of my back, crushing me to him until no breathing room was left between us. His head then found the crook of my neck that he loved so much, and he buried his face there, breathing me in. I wanted to stay right there forever.

“I dunno,” he murmured in a weak voice. “It’s just... how can anyone want me when I don’t even want myself?”

I shook my head, hating to hear those awful words. My hand traveled up until it reached the crown of his head. With slow, gentle movements, I stroked his hair, trying to soothe and support him while he fought the demons he held deep inside.

“I hate feeling like this, Tiny,” he croaked. “Sometimes,” he breathed into my neck, as if confessing from the depths of his soul - for only me to hear. “Sometimes… I feel like a monster. I can’t control it,” he said, his quiet voice shaking. “I try to fight it, I really do, but I can’t. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s stronger than me and it makes me feel like a fucking monster.”

I drew back and brought my hands to his face, cupping his cheeks. I stared intently into his sad eyes, and with a voice that sounded a little breathy, I said, “A
monster
? Dorian, you’re only human. You’ve been through things I can’t possibly imagine and you survived.” I leaned closer, until I was inches from his face. “At the end, you
lived
. So you think you’re crazy. So fucking what? Who doesn’t feel a little crazy sometimes? I know I do,” I murmured. “I think every human being has a little bit of craziness inside.”

The corner of his mouth twitched, and then curved up until he gifted me with one of his rare half smiles.

I’d never wanted to witness a smile the way I wanted to witness his. Especially this one.

“Let me ask you this,” I said. “Have you ever wanted to hurt me? On purpose?”

He flinched like I‘d slapped him. With his eyes wide open, and his voice quivering, he breathed, “Never.”

I brought our foreheads together. “I know. I know you would never hurt me. And if something would have happened to me...” my voice trailed off.

“It would tear me apart,” he finished.

“You have your family. You have Bennie and Toby. And let me tell you…they would both give a limb for you.” I could tell that my words were finally sinking in. His sad expression started to fade. But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to see even an inkling of sorrow on his face. “And...” I took one of my hands and rested it over my heart. “You have me. You’re not alone anymore, Dorian. Together, we’ll get you through this.” I brought my hand back to hold his cheek. “If I had doubts about you, about us,” I said with confidence, “I never would have started anything with you to begin with.”

His hands moved gently to my back with unhurried movements. “I believe in you,” I whispered. “I need you to see it.” My eyes pierced his. “Stop thinking I’m going to run. I’m here, and I’m here to stay.” I brushed the tip of my nose across his, rubbing them together. “If you let me, that is.”

His hands left the small of my back and made their way up until he covered my own hands, still cupping his face. “You really don’t see me as monster?”

I saw the desperation and the fear, but I also heard the hope in his voice.

“No,” I said, and then leaned back to smile at him. “But you do protect me like a beast.”

A hint of a smile teased the corner of his lips, and then he stroked my cheeks gently with his thumbs. “I’ll always protect you, Tiny. Even from myself.”

“I know,” I breathed, my heart squeezing. “I know.”

A genuine smile lit up his face, casting a ray of light all around us. A light full of hope and promise for the future. He shook his head and looked at me with wonder.

“What is it?” I asked, confused.

Smiling, he lifted his finger until he touched the skin between my eyebrows, stroking the lines that had formed between them.

“All you have to do is touch me,” he murmured, his eyes glimmering with awe. “And my world is right again.”

He trailed his fingers across my face, caressing me with their tips, until they stopped on my lips. His eyes focused on my mouth while his thumb grazed over them with a touch that felt like a kiss. He hugged me then, his body more relaxed and less tense. But his arms were powerful all the same.

And just like that,
I suddenly remembered we weren’t alone.

Toby.
He stood in the same position, leaning against the brick wall, his arms still folded across his chest, looking at us with a stunned expression on his face.

“Um... Dorian?”

“Yeah?”

“We have an audience.”

We both stood as Toby made his way toward us.

“I’m sorry,” Dorian mumbled.

Toby shook his head and held up an open palm. “Don’t be. Are you okay now?”

Dorian turned his head towards me, taking my hand in his. “Never been better.”

I smiled, feeling the exact same way, and then turned my eyes back to Toby. He looked at us, eyes jumping from me to Dorian, surveying us with his penetrating gaze. Then he shook his head again and grinned.

“I see you found yourself a guardian angel, boy. She’s a keeper.”

“Believe me,” Dorian said, his eyes trained on my face, “I know.”

I looked down, red as a tomato, and then buried my head in Dorian’s arm. I felt his chuckles vibrating through his body before they came out of his mouth. He put his arm around my shoulder and brought me closer.

“I’m going to steal her away now. Is that okay?”

“Fine with me. See you kids tomorrow,” Toby answered, then turned around and walked back to the bar.

“Steal me where?”

With a look that said he was scheming up trouble, he said, “To my castle.”

Without warning, he bent down, grabbed my arm, and pulled me over his shoulder. I squealed when my face met his lower back.

“Hey, put me down!” I shouted.

“No,” he answered, his voice filled with mirth. “You’re my Beauty.” Then he gently smacked my ass and said, “And I’m your fucking beast.”

“Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always.”

—
Dante Alighieri

“P
atience, darling,” he said while unlocking his apartment’s door.

For the first five minutes of the six-minute-walk to his
castle
, I’d hollered for him to put me down. Finally giving up, I’d started to thump a rhythm on his backside for my own personal amusement.

“Unbelievable. Are you seriously playing my ass right now?”

“Yep. Do you fancy the beat?” I asked innocently, still playing my private musical.

He didn’t answer my question. He spanked my ass instead, while shutting and locking the door firmly behind him, and then stalked straight ahead - all without saying a damn thing. I had no idea what he was thinking.

He reached his destination, opened a door, and walked inside.

“Where are we–” I was cut off as I was thrown onto a pillow of softness. I took a deep breath when I realized where we were. Dorian stood at the edge of his king sized bed, watching me carefully.

I couldn’t stop the shiver that passed through my body.

“So tell me something, Tiny,” he said, his voice rasping. “Who was that guy?”

“W-what guy?”

“The one that fucking touched you.”

Memories of Danny picking me up off my feet hit me all at once. I suddenly realized we talked about everything but the reason that set him off.

“Oh,” I said softly. “You mean Danny.”

With a hushed voice that made me feel more alarmed than a loud shout could possibly achieve, he said, “You know his fucking name.”

Dear Moses and Pharaoh, I couldn’t control myself. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch, and after trying to hold it in, I gave up and let the suppressed smile form. He was freaking adorable, all jealous and grumpy when he had no reason to be.

My smile probably didn’t help matters, because his mouth was set in a hard, thin line. Before I could clear the air, Dorian smiled back. But it was wicked and it told me that he didn’t find anything funny about the situation. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

He moved towards me, crawling on hands and knees like a panther, his wicked smile holding steady. On instinct, I began to crawl backwards. His hand shot out, grabbed my ankle, and pulled me back to him. I squealed as, in a blink, my body was underneath Dorian’s, his weight pressing me to the mattress, both of his hands resting on either side of my head, and his face inches from mine.