Underwater (21 page)

I turned on the light, shut the door behind us, and placed the plate of cookies on the nightstand. Ace sat on the floor, shooting daggers at Ella. She had already made herself comfortable on my bed with a pillow tucked behind her back when she looked at my dog and grinned.

To say that Ace didn’t like her would be an understatement. It was hard for me to admit, but Ace was a snob. He didn’t care for anybody except me and he only tolerated my family.

When I settled next to her, she abruptly asked, “Who’s the guy?”

I knew
the guy
she was referring to. “His name is Dorian,” I said, and then took a sip of the hot liquid, letting it warm and sooth me. “We met at the support group meeting.”

“I want to know everything that happened from the moment you met him until now.” She bumped my shoulder, her mouth tipping up in the corner. “Don’t leave out even a tiny detail.”

I smiled at the choice of word, whispering it softly, tasting it on my lips, rolling it on my tongue. “
Tiny
.”

“Huh?”

“That’s what he calls me.”

“Tiny?”

“Yep.”

“How original.”

“Can you stop being a cynic for one second?”

“Sorry, keep going, I want to hear everything.”

“Don’t wanna tell you if you’re gonna act like that.”

“Oh come on! I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. Please?” She looked at me with puppy dog eyes, puckering her lips and blinking. “Pleasssssse?”

“Okay. Fine.”

I told her how we met, his episode where he accidentally attacked me, the night at the bar, the support group meeting yesterday, and the part where I spent the night with him. I also told her about the job offer. When I finished talking, there was a long silence.

“He really was scary,” she murmured quietly. “I heard some nasty rumors about him. And… do you really think you’re safe with him?”

I turned my head and looked her in the eyes, hoping she would understand. “Those rumors are lies. People don’t know who he is so it’s easy to believe everything that’s been said about him. He’s sweet, Ella, and so good to me… you have no idea how much. He is the most caring, vulnerable, charming, sensitive, and imperfect guy I’ve ever met. There is no safer place for me than right there beside him.”

“Well, he scared the crap out of me and everyone else at the bar the other night.”

“Yeah,” I said, remembering his anger. “He was intense, that’s for sure.”

“You don’t say.”

We both laughed and bumped our shoulders together.

“He also has scars,” she said. “Really scary scars.”

“Those scars are part of who he is. I accept him, scars and all.”

She looked at me for a moment, staring as if seeing me for the very first time.

“I’ve never seen you like this, you know? When you talk about him...” She shook her head. “It’s like your eyes glow and there’s this tenderness in them I’ve never seen before.”

I contemplated what she said and concluded she was right. No matter what I’d been through or who I’d dated in the past, I’d never felt this way for anyone.

Dorian...he had captured me. And I had no plans of escaping him.

“Okay then,” she said. “I trust you on this. But one wrong move on his part and he’s going to meet my fists up close and personal.”

I laughed and hugged my sweet friend. “I’ll let him know.”

I had Dorian.

I had Ella.

I had my family, even though we were having the roughest time of our lives.

But at the end of the day we were together. And that was the most important thing of all.

“Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.”

—
Rumi

“A
re you ready for tonight?”

Was I? I had no idea. All I knew was that I needed Dorian, and he wasn’t here.
Why today, of all days, did he have to be late?

I sat in Toby’s office, my back against the uncomfortable wooden chair as we talked about what I should expect from my new job.

“Can we call things off?” I was a bundle of nerves before my first performance.

“Nope,” he said, shaking his head. “Why would you want to?”

I sighed, taking a deep breath and confessed, “I have terrible stage fright.”

“Dorian told me you would be nervous, but I don’t recall you being nervous the other night when you asked for a guitar.”

“That was different. I had a bit of liquid courage in me, plus I had Ella there to support me. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.” I didn’t tell him that the other night I’d
needed
to sing because it was my outlet, my way of dealing with stuff. But now that singing would essentially be my
job
, it was a whole other ballgame. I wasn’t sure I could actually do it.

There was a long silence where I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and jump inside. I wasn’t even on stage yet and already my heart thrummed wildly and my stomach churned. I closed my eyes, willing the nauseous feeling to subside.

“I understand,” he said, getting up from his chair.

“You do?”

“Yes. But I won’t tell you to give up and bail. You should face it head on, because honey…” He came to stand in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re amazing. Your voice is enchanting and you have a talent anyone would wish to have. Stage fright is something very common and completely normal. You seem like someone who has been through a lot in her young life, so if you take a moment and actually think about it, this stage fright is nothing compared to everything else.”

For a long moment, I stared at him, stunned. He was right. Compared to everything else that had happened in my life, this stage fright was nothing, absolutely nothing.
Why had I let it control me for so long?

“Defeat and conquer,” he said. “What do you say?”

I looked up and smiled – smiled at the man I had a feeling was going to be like a second father to me. Nodding, I whispered, “Yeah.” And without giving it a second thought, I hugged him and said, “Thank you. You can be sort of sweet when you want to.”

He chuckled. “Just don’t tell anyone. I don’t want my reputation ruined.”

I stepped out of Toby’s office, feeling better, and my breath caught at the sight before me. Dorian was leaning against the opposite wall, his arms folded against his broad chest. His eyes skated across my features and my heart fluttered in my chest.

Without saying a word, he captured my hand and started walking, with me following closely behind. He moved like a man on a mission until we came to a dark, deserted corner. Before I knew what was happening, my back was pressed against the wall and his hands caged me in, settling on either side of my head. My heart beat frantically. His proximity unsettled me. Made me feel nervous and excited at the same time.

Leaning in, he murmured, “Hey.”

“Hey,” I murmured back with uneven breaths.

He slammed his lips against mine. There was nothing slow or tender about this kiss. It was pure
need
. His tongue found its way into my mouth, mingling with mine, kissing me breathless. I could feel his right hand leaving the wall, making its way lower, until it rested on my waist. He squeezed and pulled me closer to him, making me feel every delicious part of him. My hands rested over his broad chest and I clutched the fabric of his shirt, kissing him back with so much force, I was sure we were setting our corner of the world on fire.

Too soon, he tore his lips off mine. “Damn, I’ve missed you, Tiny.”

“I’ve missed you too,”

“I didn’t have a chance to ask – how was today? With your dad, I mean.”

Remembering the day we’d had at the hospital made my mood drop to the floor like a bag of wet sand. I sighed.

“Hey,” he said, searching my face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just...” I started, then shook my head and mumbled, “I dunno, it’s nothing.”

He held my chin and tilted my head up. “Tell me.”

“It’s my dad. Things aren’t looking good and I don’t know what to do. What if...what if he…?” I shook my head, trying to banish the thoughts that wanted to possess me.

“Hey, come here,” he said, pulling me to him, holding me in his arms.

“He keeps talking about death,” I said in agony, burying my face in his chest, seeking his refuge and comfort. Shit had started to get real, and those words – those damn terrifying words I’d tried to escape for so long – haunted me no matter where I was or what I did. “It’s so dammed hard,” I cried. “I can’t even think of a life without him. I’m scared, Dorian.”

“Scared of what?”

“To
feel
.” I was afraid to feel the pain, the hurt, the fear, the heartbreak. I was afraid to feel hope.

“But that’s it, Tiny,” he said, pulling me back while holding my shoulders. “You do feel. You have a heart the size of the earth and you
feel
. Do you think I don’t see how much you hurt?”

“What good would it do me?” I asked, angrily. “What good would it be to say it out loud? What right do I have to hurt? I’m not the one who’s sick.” I shook my head. Angry at myself. Angry at the whole damn world. “What right do I have to hurt all the time?”

He looked at me like I was an alien who just landed in front of him. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he growled. “What
right
do
you
have? I don’t know much, but from what I can tell, you’re the glue that connects all the pieces of your family together. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. It can pull anyone down, especially you. You
need
to let your emotions out. You hear me?” He shook me gently. “You plaster a smile on your pretty face and show the world that everything is fine. But in reality, it’s a fucking façade. You’re hurting. You’re hurting so goddamn much, and it kills me that I don’t have the power to help you.”

I felt tears begin to flow.

I let them.

“I don’t care if the entire world can’t see your mask,” he murmured, while his hands wrapped around my face and his fingers wiped away the salty, wet streaks. “But I see beyond the mask whether you like it or not. So tell me again, what are you so afraid of?”

I took a deep breath. “I’m afraid if I let myself cry, if I show the world that I’m hurting...everything will suddenly become real. My family will crash into pieces, and there’ll be no turning back.”

“It’s okay to be scared. You’re only human.” His eyes bore into mine. “I’m here, with you, every step of the way. You’re not alone.” He pressed me to him firmly, holding me close. “You’re not alone, sweetheart,” he whispered.

Pulling back, I looked up at him with burning eyes. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

After a few moments of just breathing, he asked, “Are you ready for tonight?”