Underwater (31 page)

I paused, and my eyes fell on Aria. “Then I met someone.” I smiled and bent my head down, rubbing my cheek across her hair. “And the days weren’t as black.”

Dr. Anderson watched us with contemplation. When he spoke, he schooled his expression and said, ”I want you to do something. I’m going to turn on this device.” He held out some old recorder in his hand and placed it on the table between us. “I need you to close your eyes and think about the day that changed it all for you. Then, I need you to tell me out loud what you see. Everything will be recorded and I’ll tell you the reason for it at the end of the session. Okay?”

I felt like all of our previous sessions had been leading me to this moment. They were preparing me for what was about to come. I hated thinking about my time there. I hated remembering. I hated reliving it over and over again. But I put my fears aside and focused on what he asked of me.

When I heard the
click
that announced the recorder had started taping, I began to talk.

“I was on my third tour in Afghanistan. Ben was the youngest and the happiest, full of fire and so intoxicating. Anyone who met him for the first time would probably underestimate him because of his scrawny body. He looked young and innocent. In reality he was a killing machine.

“Asher was the serious one. A man of few words, but when he decided to give us his opinion – everyone fucking listened.

“Tommy was the carefree spirit, the guy who left a trail of broken hearted women in his wake. He never wanted to settle down. If you even suggested it, he would walk away insulted.

“Then there was Michael. He was my best friend from home and the only solider that was captured with me.” I could still hear his screams echoing in my ears.

“I should have seen the signs. I should have heard the warning bells, but my head wasn’t in the right place because I had just learned my father was sick and I was distracted. I always ask myself
what if
? What if I had paid attention to all the details playing around me that day? What if I had noticed the suspicious guy getting closer to our vehicle? What if I had yelled a warning to the driver sooner? What if I had decided to take a different route?
What fucking if
...” I shook my head and held Tiny’s hand. Then, I brought her palm to rest on my chest, exactly over my heart.

“It was my fault.” My chest grew tight. “I shouldn’t have been distracted and because of me… they all died.” I felt moisture on my cheeks and Tiny wiped it away with her thumb. “Six nights and seven days I heard Michael screaming in the dark. Crying, cursing and roaring. I heard it all.
For six… fucking… nights.
”

Tiny choked on a sob. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I wrapped my arms around her waist, and we pulled each other closer. With a kiss on the crown of her head, I continued.

“At some point, I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was in some kind of underground holding cell. After they killed Michael, they drugged me and took me to another location where I was tortured, beaten and cut open.

I could feel her tears streaming down my neck and soaking into my shirt. If it was possible, I drew her even closer, hugging her even tighter. “They tried to extract information from me. When I didn’t cooperate with them, they boasted how my brothers had died in the explosion. Gloated that the only other one who remained died during their torture.” I bit my tongue in an attempt to prevent a string of curses from falling out. I hated those fuckers with every fiber of my being. If I didn’t already know they were all dead, I would have already taken them out years ago.

“They brought in women and violated them in front of me, putting them on their knees.” I shuddered while clinging to the only thing keeping me grounded – Tiny’s hand.

“That’s why?” Tiny asked.

“Yes,” I answered truthfully, already knowing what she meant. My aversion to touch. My inability to see her in that position. “Well... that was part of it. They also whipped me repeatedly. I couldn’t bear the touch of my own skin, certainly not the touch of others. Any kind of contact felt like flogging.”

Tiny’s body stiffened in my arms. She inhaled sharply and drew back. “Not yours. Never yours,” I murmured into her hair. “You were the only one I could touch, without feeling pain. You. Only you… always you.”

Tiny asked, “How did you get away, Dorian?”

“The leader of the group... he finally showed up. There was something about him that I wasn’t able to pinpoint. He was a mean son-of-a-bitch, but only when he was around the others. When it was just the two us, he wouldn’t lay a finger on me. When he spoke to me, he talked in codes. At the time my mind was so fucked up, I didn’t realize what was going on until I learned he was one of ours. He was deep undercover, but I still blamed him for Michael’s death. At first, I assumed he’d been a part of it but I was wrong. He wasn’t aware of our capture because he’d been away. By the time he learned of it, Michael was already dead.

“The leader wanted to help me, but his hands were tied. He couldn’t do shit without making them suspicious. He was too deep and had gotten too far to jeopardize it for me. Then, an opportunity presented itself and he got me the hell out. I owe him my life. There is a debt I need to pay, and I hope one day, I’ll be able to.”

Achi
.
I remembered him whispering that in my ear as they loaded me into the car. ‘
Achi’ meant
m
y brother
in Hebrew.

“I woke up on a hospital bed a while later, hooked to machines and covered with bandages from head to toe. I don’t remember much about how or when or who but I do remember thinking that it was too late – that if I wasn’t dead then I was definitely
ruined
.”

The tape recorder clicked off and my eyes met Dr. Anderson’s. “Well done Dorian,” he said, handing me the tape. “What I want you to do is, over the next few days, play that tape back and listen to it. Listen to it as much as you can.”

I had so many questions, but I didn’t ask a damn thing. I only nodded my agreement and for once in my life, I gave my trust to another human being besides Tiny. All I wanted to do now was take her away from here.

Dr. Anderson stood, looking at his watch. “I’ll give you two a minute alone. I have some time to kill until my next appointment. Feel at home. And Dorian?”

“Yeah?”

“You did well.” With that, he slipped out the door quietly.

“Tiny...” I whispered, not sure what I wanted to say.

“Dorian...” she echoed. “I’m so proud of you. So damn proud. And grateful you were saved. I just…” She kissed me softly. “I love you.”

The lump in my throat intensified with every word she’d said out loud.

“I love you, too,” I whispered. “I-I need you...” I didn’t know what I was asking; all I knew was that I needed her. I needed her touch, her soft skin, her sweet lips, and her soothing voice. I needed her love.

When she nodded her head in understanding, my heart almost burst out of my chest.

“Take me home, Dorian,” she whispered. “Take us home.”

“Your breath touched my soul and I saw beyond all limits.”

—
Rumi

W
hen we reached his place, he asked me to sit on the sofa and wait for him. He disappeared down the hallway. A few minutes later he returned. He took me by the hand without a word, and led me to his bedroom. There, he had filled the space with vanilla-scented candles. Gorgeous tin can lanterns were lit and casting shadows of hearts all over the walls.

“Dorian,” I whispered, completely awestruck. “When? How?”

“I had it planned for a while,” he murmured behind me. “I wanted our first time to be special.” The door clicked shut, and after a moment of soft shuffling, he stood beside me. “I love you, Aria. I would do anything for you.”

My heart burst. Without hesitation, I began to undress him. With his shirt and jeans lying forgotten on the floor, I looked up at the man I fell in love with.

My eyes took in his scars: the jagged one that cut and zigzagged between his top and bottom lip; and the angry one above his eyebrow that tore a path across his left eye, to his strong narrow nose. His scars didn’t scare me. With the tip of my finger, I traced the path of each one, hoping Dorian understood that his scars were beautiful. To me, they were beautiful because they were a part of him and there wasn’t a part of him I didn’t love.

Next, I moved on to his tattoo. I’d seen it a few times when he was shirtless, and I had asked about its meaning. The tattoo was a large tree across his rib cage and at first glance, the tree looked dead, lifeless, but upon further inspection, dates could be seen etched above the naked branches. There was a Rumi quote that said:
The cure for pain is in the pain
.

This was not a tattoo of a dead tree. This was the tree of life. The lives of his brothers engraved onto his body forever.

This tree was his memorial to those he had loved.

I couldn’t look away. I wasn’t even sure he wanted me to.

“Loving what you see?” His question was light and teasing, but his voice trembled.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly.

I could feel his breath warm across my skin. “I need to ask you something.”

“Okay...”

“Are you disappointed?”

“Disappointed? About what?”

“My lack of experience.”

I shook my head and framed his face with my hands. “No, of course not. I’m just sorry you couldn’t stand to be touched all this time, but I’m not sorry that I’m the one who gets to touch you now.”

His eyes lit up, his whole face shining. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

Leaning in, I brushed my lips across his ear. “I think it’s time for you to show me how adorable you can be.”

A second later, I heard Dorian growl, and then I heard myself shriek.

I
picked her up and dropped her on my bed. She squealed, bouncing up and down from the fall.

I covered her body with mine. “You’re overdressed, sweetheart,” I teased, kissing every inch of her beautiful face. “I think I should change that.”

“Be my guest,” she breathed out.

Smiling with satisfaction that she was affected by my touch, I stripped her clothes until she was left in just a red bra and matching panties. I drew in a sharp breath when I unhooked the clasp, my eyes trailing every inch of her.

She was perfect in every way.

“You’re so beautiful,” I murmured, brushing my lips across her breasts, giving each one the attention they needed. I slid further down until I reached her underwear. My eyes jumped to hers, and I saw her watching me. She nodded for me to keep going. I slipped my fingers underneath the elastic of her panties and pulled them down to her ankles, then tossed them aside.

I kicked off my boxers and there we were…both naked and exposed to one another.

Resting my hands on either side of her head, I kissed her mouth, relishing in the taste of her sweet, plump lips. It felt like heaven.

And when I found her wet and ready for me, I wanted to beat my chest like a fucking gorilla. She was wet for
me
, and she was
mine
.

Then, I remembered something important and I cursed myself for not being prepared. “Tiny, I don’t have any condoms. I never needed them and it didn’t occur to me to buy them on the way here.”