Underwater (34 page)

I
t had been two weeks since my dad died.

I was holed up at home, and hadn’t left my room. The only desire I had was to sink to the bottom of the sea.

After two weeks of not dealing with my new reality, Dorian decided to kidnap me.

Whatever
.

All the way to the unknown place he decided to take me to, I sat quietly, watching out the window as a trail of endless thoughts raced through my mind. There was this new
need
that had started to grow inside of me: to disappear into the depths of my mind. To run away and never look back. To feel
numbness
instead of
pain
all the time.

I watched the darkened night through the window and thought to myself how bizarre it was to feel what I was actually seeing with my eyes. The darkness beckoned me, called out to me to come and keep her company.

“Don’t do this,” Dorian said in a deep voice, bringing his truck to a stop. He switched off the engine and shuffled around in the seat next to me.

“Do what?” I asked quietly. “I’m not doing anything.”

He sighed, and I felt desperation screaming off him in powerful waves and seeping straight into my bones.

I opened the door and got out, realizing where we were.
The beach
. Great.
Another damn place I wished I could forget
.

The whoosh of the waves and the slapping of water against the shore were the only sounds I heard. The sea breeze was cold, making me shiver as it blew across my face. It smelled like salt and autumn. I closed my eyes to the stinging burn.

I walked forward until I was a few steps from the edge of the shore. I could feel when Dorian was getting closer to me. The heat of his body would surround me from behind and envelop me with a touch of warmth. I took a small step forward, distancing myself from him.

“Don’t shut me out,” he pleaded. “Talk to me. Please.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Dorian. Nothing at all.” It was weird, but looking at the dark endless sea, I could actually feel numbness surrounding me and starting to take root. I was standing at the shore, but it felt like I was drowning.

“Yes, there is,” he said through clenched teeth. I could hear the frustration in his voice. Oddly, I felt nothing.
Was this how my mother felt at the beginning?
Apathetic? Indifferent?
Now I understood why she stayed there for so long.
Who in their right mind wanted to leave?
I watched the angry sea, fascinated at how high the waves were breaking.

“Tiny.”

“What? You’re my freaking shrink now?” I laughed without humor. “You want me to talk about my
feelings
?”

I felt his body press against my back, his arms wrapping around my stomach.

“Come on, Tiny,” he whispered in my ear. “Don’t do this. Let it out. Let it all out. The ache you feel inside. Let that go.” He forced me even closer. “I’m gonna be your punching bag for the time being.”

I swallowed the lump that threatened to choke me. “I have nothing to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.” His arms tightened around me. “Do something instead. What’s the most vital need you have right now?”

There was a long silence as I contemplated his words.
Should I listen to him, or should I stay where I was?
Because I felt anger. If I couldn’t be numb then I wanted to hit, to break, to snap, to destroy something.
Anything
.

“I want to hit something. I
need
to hit something. But all I have around me is sand.” I laughed. “Fragile, delicate sand...”

“You have me.” His voice was a lingering whisper in the cool air, blending with the sounds of the waves.

“And?”

“Hit me.”

“You can’t be serious...” I grumbled.

“Why?” he asked. “Are you scared to hurt me?” He was mocking me. “You think that a little girl like you can hurt me?”

I wanted to strangle him. “Shut up,” I said through gritted teeth and pulled away from him.

“Come on, Tiny,” he said impatiently. “Hit me. Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not afraid! I just don’t want to hit you!”

His hand grasped my elbow and spun me around. “Just do it!” he growled. “Hitting me is the only thing you can control right now. Everything else is out of your grasp. You can’t do anything. Fucking hit me and let the pain out!”

“I. Don’t. Want. To. Hit. You!”

“STOP HIDING!” He never raised his voice to me. Watching him now, he scared me
. It’s Dorian
, a voice whispered in my mind.
He is your Dorian
. “Stop hiding behind the mountainous walls you put around you!” he continued. “You’re a fucking little mouse hiding in a corner, scared to face the world. Go then! Go and hide.
Leave me
. Withdraw. Is that what you’re gonna do when life gets hard?”

“Shut up!” I cried out and closed my eyes tightly. “Shutupshutupshutupshutup!”

I felt another shake and opened my eyes wide.

“Hit the fuck out of me already!”

Deep, searing anger passed through my body. My nostrils flared and my blood ran hot, boiling in my veins. I felt out of control, like some damned demon possessed my body and took over my actions. I clenched my teeth hard, my breathing becoming ragged, as white spots blurred my vision.

I watched in horror how my hand moved upward and whipped my palm across Dorian’s cheek.
Hard
. The sound of the strike echoed in the air, mixing with the sounds of the angry waves and the slapping of water against the shore. The crackling tension in the air made my stomach clutch and my breathing hitch. My palm burned from the force of the blow and when I stared at it with a horrified look, I saw that my skin was angry and red.

I lifted my eyes slowly.

I couldn’t believe I actually slapped him
.

I hated myself at that moment. And I hated him even more for making me react this way. I hated the world and who created it. I hated the pain. The hopelessness. I hated God for taking my dad away from me, and the universe above.

I just...
Hated
.

When my eyes finally reached their destination, I noticed right away the red mark across his cheek. I winced. His eyes were wide open, watching me. His hand touched his cheek all the while looking at me intensely
.
I didn’t know what to say.
Was he mad? Did he hate me now? Would he leave me?
I was about to open my mouth and apologize, or say something – anything at all – but before I could do any of that, the corner of his mouth turned up and his expression brightened. I let the air I didn’t know I was holding out in a long whoosh, and then I fell, no longer able to hold my own weight. My knees touched the sand, my hands buried in its softness. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop the sob that broke through. Dorian followed me to the ground, his warm body gathering me into his arms. He scooped me into onto his lap and I buried my head in the crook of his neck.

“Shhhh... I’m sorry, Tiny.” He rocked me back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I had to snap you out of it,” he murmured in my ear. “It’s okay. Let your pain out, my love. Cry. You’ll feel better after, I promise. I’m always here. Cry.”

“I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered. “You’re coming back to me. That’s all that matters.”

“Let me hold you while you sleep

Chase away your nightmares to the bottom of the sea

Let me kiss your scars and make you see

Make you see that you’re the only one for me”

—
Maayan Nahmani

T
he months passed, and with them the seasons.

Some days, I was okay.

Other days, I would cry from anything and everything.

Some nights I dreamt about him.

Last night I dreamt he walked through my bedroom door in the early morning hours, covered me up, and kissed my forehead. He looked over and saw my window open and he frowned. He shut it, complaining about how the cold wind could make me sick and then he shuffled back over to my bed and pulled the covers tighter around me. I loved that he worried about me, but I wanted to tell him that sometimes sickness can just sneak in no matter how careful we were. I wondered if he’d ever thought that he, too, could get sick. He hadn’t been invincible; the man I always thought of as a superhero was only human.

Maybe I should have checked his windows too.

But when I opened my eyes and found myself in Dorian’s arms, it always managed to warm my sad heart. He was a constant figure by my side. He never left me alone. We practically lived together. If we weren’t at his place, we were at mine. I knew that I could count on him with everything.

I went back to Toby’s, working alongside Dorian.

My mom went back to work and Adam went back to school. We all had a rough year, but what we knew for sure was that we had to move forward. We all knew it was what he would have wished for us.

Today, I’d asked Toby for a favor. I asked him to detain Dorian after the bar closed, but away from the stage. I had a gift prepared and I wanted to give it to him.

His song.

After we met, I’d started writing it, but had never completed it.

Last month, I finally did.

He was still seeing his shrink, but a lot less. Dr. Anderson’s method turned out to be pretty useful. After the first few months, he would come home drained, needing my touch, and I would give it.

I needed his touch the same way. Together, we pulled each other up, saving the other from going under.

I sat on a wooden chair, in the middle of the stage, the mic in front of me, and I waited for him.

The lights were dim, only the middle stage light illuminated me.

I looked down at my wrist, at the memorial tattoo I’d gotten for my dad. It was an infinity symbol with my father’s name scrolled inside the shape of the number eight. Above the upper corner of the symbol, tiny birds hatched out, flying free into the air.

I caressed the ink gently.

When Dorian walked back into the bar, he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. I could barely see him, but luckily, he stepped closer, until he stood in front of the stage. Smiling down at him, I began to sing.

What if I tell you it’s okay?

What if I tell you no harm will come your way?

What if I tell you I can see all your pain?

What if I tell you I’m here to stay?

Darkness surrounds you in its bitter arms

You try to break through, but you end up more harmed

And now all you crave is a little bit of warmth

So come right here, let me slow down your storm

Closer, come a little closer

You can stay a while longer

You don’t have to act like you’re stronger

Just let go and trust me to keep you from going under

I looked at him while I sang, not wavering my gaze even for a second. He stood in front of me, this big, muscled man, and looked at me like I held the moon in my hands. His eyes misted.

Let me hold you while you sleep

Chase away your nightmares to the bottom of the sea

Let me kiss your scars and make you see

Make you see that you’re the only one for me

Closer, please come a little closer

You can stay a while longer

You don’t have to act like you’re stronger

Just let go and trust me to keep you from going under

Open your eyes, you’re not alone

I’m right here with you through it all

And I know that you’re scared of the unknown

I promise I’ll catch you if you fall

Closer, come a little closer

You can stay a while longer

You don’t have to act like you’re stronger

Just let go and trust me to keep you from going under

Just let go and trust me to keep you from going underwater

When the last notes of his song reached the end, I hopped down from the chair and leaned the guitar against it. He jumped up on the stage, walked straight to me and held me in his arms. He pulled me up, until my feet left the floor. Then he kissed me, a kiss full of promises for the future.