Underwater (20 page)

I closed my eyes, the song still playing in the background, and tried to hold myself together. I was supposed to be the strong one. I shook my head while keeping my eyes closed. It was such a freaking cliché. I wasn’t strong. I was never strong. I wasn’t cut out for this. I had no idea who up there in the sky thought it was a good idea to fucking test us this way. All I ever wanted was for someone to take away our pain. All of the bottled-up feelings I held inside from the moment this nightmare had started were draining me emotionally.

Denial.

Depression.

Hope.

Sadness.

Anger.

Hopelessness.

Anger.

Anger.

Anger.

And now…
acceptance
.

Because I couldn’t let myself be angry anymore.

While my brain still tried to sort out all of my jumbled emotions, I felt something brush my left hand. Slowly, I opened my eyes and turned my head. My dad was looking toward the road, his expression unreadable, but his hand...his familiar, comforting hand, was trying to hold onto mine.

A lump began to form in my throat, so I turned my head and looked at the view. An uneasy smile tugged on my lips, my eyes burning with tears I refused to shed. I held his hand tightly in mine, clasping our fingers together, and took a breath, filling my lungs with relief.

With tears falling down my cheeks, I felt hope again.

It was his way of telling me that my message was received.

I stretched my legs forward and leaned back, snuggling cozily into the soft, leather armchair. I was so tired. Last night was intense, and I felt like I hadn’t had a moment’s rest since. I wanted to crawl into my bed and wake up in a week. Or two.

We were in the waiting room, sitting next to each other, killing time until his CT appointment. There were some delays and he was last in line. The place was pretty much empty now except for an elderly couple sitting in the seats in front of us.

I couldn’t help but stare at them. The woman sat next to her husband, her body leaning toward him while her eyes looked up into his with sadness. Her husband looked down at her, his eyes blazing with a whirl of emotions. I couldn’t tell who the sick one between them was. The woman stroked her husband’s face while whispering words I couldn’t hear from this far away. All the while her husband held her other hand in between his, his head bent and their faces almost touching.

They both looked hurt, deeply in pain.

A lump grew, making it impossible to swallow. My hand itched to snap a picture of the moment with my phone, but I decided against it. The moment was theirs and theirs alone.

When the nurse called them in, I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I blinked a few times as I watched them walk slowly with slumped shoulders, hand in hand toward the nurse. I looked at my dad then and saw him watching them with the same expression as mine. Admiration.

At that moment, my cell phone vibrated. I pulled the phone out of my pocket, opened the lock with my thumb, and read the message.

Dorian: You have no idea how much spending the night with you meant to me. You’re probably sitting next to your dad, feeling…afraid. No matter what happens, I’m here. You’re not alone anymore, sweetheart. Not Alone by RED. Listen thoughtfully.

I shook my head and felt the corner of my mouth lift into a smile. Visions of this morning penetrated my mind, and heat swirled in my body, waking up all of my senses. My goodness. Just thinking about what we’d done together made me blush. I wasn’t a virgin. I’d had one boyfriend in high school. But I’d never felt so freaking turned-on in my life. I never expected this to happen. Not this soon anyway. But there was so much pent up passion and lust in me that I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. And neither could he. I could see it in his eyes. They screamed with need. He needed the touch even more than I did.

I couldn’t run away from him anymore.

I didn’t know the song so I did a quick search on YouTube and found a video with lyrics. I put the earbuds in my ears, pressed play, and listened. The melody was quiet, slow, and heart-pounding. I let the words wash over me, telling me their story.

The singer’s voice throbbed within me, wrapping me with a sense of peace, while at the same time, making my heart ache. Through the song, Dorian encouraged and reassured me that he would always be there for me no matter what the future brings. It filled me with warmth – and scared me to death. From the moment I’d met him, something pulled us together... like we were meant to be. I still didn’t know what it was, but the feeling was powerful and all consuming.

I’m not alone, anymore.

About half an hour had passed since my dad went into the CT-scan room. I looked around and found myself alone. The waiting room was small, it’s walls painted yellow. A water fountain stood in the corner and a wall-mounted TV broadcast the news at low volume. With time on my hands and nothing better to do, I pulled my notebook out of my bag. I flipped through the pages until I found the one I was looking for.

My dad’s song.

I skimmed through the lyrics, reading the words that I had written during the darkest days of my life. The song was almost complete. Pulling out my pencil, I started writing, translating my feelings into words, forgetting the outside world while I lived inside my head.

After erasing time and time again and re-writing new lines, I finished the song. I looked around me again, and after making sure I was still alone, I hummed softly.

The melody was slow and powerful, and I sang it oh so quietly.

As I close my eyes

Wishing it was all a dream

My thoughts won’t leave me be

Stirring deep inside of me

I used to be a dreamer

Always looked on the bright side

Now the world abandoned me

Waking me up from my ordinary life

Running away from the truth

Shadows keep chasing me

Trying to take control over me

Oh, please God, just let me be free

Waking up with sweat all over me

I feel relieved it was only a dream

But then the harsh reality hitting me

Not giving me even a moment of peace

I rush to your room and watch you sleeping

Making sure you’re still breathing

That no harm has come your way

Turning my colorful world to gray

Please God, make it all go away

How I wish he would just stay

Fighting like a tiger, not going to lose

This life, is what he’s gotta choose

As night fell yet again

The chorus returned, looping and twisting, always repeating

I brace myself, holding on tight

Hoping with all my heart he would be alright

I opened my eyes, blinking away the emotions that burned within me and was met with an eye color the same as mine, watching me. He stood in the hall, leaning against the wall, arms across his chest, his eyes shining with tears while his mouth tilted down, his expression showing a mix of sadness and grief. I never intended for him to hear. And now that he had, I didn’t know how to react.

We looked at each other until my dad broke the contact and made his way towards me with three long strides. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, holding in the sob that wanted to break free, until I felt his arms fold around me, hugging me close. I felt so secure in his arms that I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

So I did the thing I most wanted to do.

I let go.

I cried.

I cried for my dad.

I cried for my mom.

I cried for Adam.

I cried for River.

And… I cried for me.

He murmured comforting words in my ear, soothing me with his soft tone and words. Ever since we had found out that my dad was sick, I was the one comforting and he was the one who needed comfort. This was the first time he was giving
me
strength, and not the other way around. I held him tightly, my hands clenching the fabric of his sweater.

“Shh... don’t cry for me, baby girl. I’ll be okay, you’ll see. I’m a tiger after all, aren’t I?”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Then I cried some more. Then I laughed again when my dad’s laugh echoed in the empty room.

“Yeah, you are. You’re my dad and you can’t go anywhere. You have to keep me safe until the end of time. You promised.”

“And I’m going to keep it.”

But deep down, we both knew that the choice wasn’t his to make.

When Dad parked the car in the driveway, I noticed a figure sitting on the porch steps. My heart wanted to leap out of my chest thinking it might be Dorian, but the long red hair and slim figure proved it was only Ella. I chuckled to myself, feeling foolish. Why would Dorian be at my house? He didn’t even know where I lived.

I unfastened my seatbelt and practically bolted out the door, running towards her. I could hear my dad chuckling as I made my way toward my best friend and wrapped my arms around her, realizing how much I missed her. Yeah, we had seen each other the other night, but we went from seeing each other every day to only a few times a month.

She drew back while holding my shoulders and smiled. “I can see you missed me too.”

“Of course I did. My life is boring when my best friend has her nose buried in books.”

Dad, coming up behind us, kissed Ella on the forehead. “Hey stranger.”

“Hey,” she said. Then in a quiet voice asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Like a bull.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“How are your finals going?”

“I’m acing them, of course!”

“I’m proud of you, Ella.”

She lowered her head and said, “Thank you.”

My dad always had a soft spot for Ella. He treated her like a daughter, and she treated him like a father. I loved how they got along. Ella’s father was a no-show who’d abandoned her and her mother when she was three years old. My father was the only male parental figure she had.

With a wave to my dad, I pulled Ella by the hand, leading her to our kitchen where we prepared coffee, grabbed some cookies, and made our way to my room.