Undone (25 page)

It didn’t feel real. It was a nightmare that she wanted to wake up from. Ellie wanted to open her eyes to the world of before and walk to her daughter’s room down the hall and find her sleeping, just like she’d done when Sophie was little. Ellie wanted to hold her little monster in her arms and cuddle her close, keep her safe in her arms. But Ellie would never get to do that again because her Sophie was gone, viciously ripped from her arms by evil itself. It hurt to talk, to breathe, to do anything other than lie in her bed and pray that tears would dry up.  Her child was gone and Ellie was inconsolable.  No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t wrap her mind around this. So she shut off everything and planned, taking comfort in the numbness. She and Nicholas made arrangements; they called family and told them when and where they would put her to rest. At night she put her head on her pillow, spooned by her husband and they wept for the loss of their child. It was a pain that would never go away.

~*~*~*~

Sophie was dead. Sophie was dead. Sophie was dead. It didn’t matter how many times he said it, it didn’t change a damn thing. She was gone and Roan was here, numb to everything but the lingering scent of her perfume on his pillow. If he closed his eyes, he could see her; she’d just been there, he could still feel the impression of her warmth on his bed, he could still…Oh God, she was gone!

The loss of her absence, the agony of her death was a pain he would never wish on his worst enemy. Every second, every minute, every hour he managed to make through was a sheer miracle. He brought the bottle to his mouth and took a long pull; he was no longer able to feel the burn. He looked at the gun he’d set on his leg, it was loaded, ready for his flesh. They were having her funeral today, the last goodbye before they put her to rest. Roan’s heart constricted making it hard to breathe. He stood, taking the nearly empty bottle with him. He hadn’t slept in a week; whenever he closed his eyes the last image of her beautiful face haunted him. He’d been going about without much thought, accepting condolences, the endless phone calls until finally Roan just dropped his phone in the toilet.

He showered and he dressed going through the motions that seemed like so much work. The day was fucking brilliant, the sun bright and warm against his face, mocking his sorrow. Roan hopped in his truck, turned the engine over and drove to the cemetery. He was just in time to see the slow procession, see her stepfather, her brother, her uncle and the man whose name Roan remembered to be Brent, pose as pallbearers. They carried the casket down the beaten path behind their mournful family. They were all there, her family, every single last one of them. And then Roan saw Sophie’s mother, overwrought with grief and barely containing herself when they set the casket down. He hadn’t realized his feet had carried him to her until he was standing right in front of her.

“I’m…I’m so sorry…” Anguish ripped through him, his shoulders shaking when she simply took him in her arms.

“We have to be strong like her, Roan. Let us honor our Sophie’s strength,” she spoke through the wedge of tears, holding him so tight while he cried brokenly in her arms. 

“…w
e therefore commit Sophie’s body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life."

Roan walked away after incapable of saying goodbye because if he did it would truly mean that she was gone and he was alone once again. He turned his back on the mourners, her family, and hopped in his car and drove off, leaving the other part of himself in the hard, merciless ground. 

~*~*~*~

Two weeks later

Bella was first to walk the line going up on stage to grab her diploma, with Dylan just behind her. The applause and cheers from the crowd was deafening but all she heard was the hollowness in her heart. There was no joy there. Nothing but bitterness, anger and the anguish that seemed like to never end.  She’d lost her sister, her rock, the person Bella looked up to, the woman she’d revered since she was a little girl. The sadness had yet to ebb. The tears had dried, but the emptiness prevailed, the despair a constant. The only good thing about today, about this graduation was that she would leave the house that was no longer a home to her, the house that was a constant reminder to Bella of their great loss. Nothing was the same anymore, even her parents, who’d always relied on each other through thick and thin, now seemed like distant souls spinning around in their own sorrow. But this was the world they were living in now…a world without Sophie.

The family wanted to take them out, dinner at her uncle’s restaurant, but Bella refused. How could she pretend to be happy when she felt lie there was a raw wound inside her chest? How could she walk to a future when the ground beneath her feet was no longer steady? She needed her twin to shoulder the task of making their family happy, she needed Dylan to be strong for her now more than ever because Bella no longer had the strength. She hoped into the black Range Rover, an early graduation present from the parents who loved too much and she just drove off with no particular direction in mind. She turned on the radio, blasted the music to stifle her whirling thoughts. When she finally realized where she was, Bella turned off the car, unbuckled her seatbelt and ran to the cemetery. Falling to her knees in front of the granite headstone,

Sophie Holbrook-Grayson. We will cherish and remember you always.

Bella ran shaky fingers over the inscription, this was Sophie, she thought, everything that her sister was reduced to just this one phrase. She sniffled, tears coursing down her face as her eyes caught the beautiful arrangement of Sophie’s favorite flowers. The tears blurred her vision at the thought of who’d brought them. Roan.

“Today was graduation,” she whispered, “Dylan and I got our diplomas…” Bella cupped a hand over her mouth to keep her sob at bay. But the pain was too much and she couldn’t contain it. “You should’ve been there! You should’ve been sitting right next to mom and daddy cheering the loudest! How could you leave me, Sophie? Why did you let the fucker take you? I’m so angry at you! I’m so angry that your sacrificed yourself like that knowing you were going to leave us behind!” she wept, sobbing, unleashing the torrent of emotions she’d bottled up for weeks now. “We’re not the same without you. It hurts too much living without you…

“I don’t think the pain is ever going to go away.” Startled Bella looked to her left to find Dylan seated beside her. He didn’t look at her but she could see that he was fighting back tears.

“
Its going to take a very long time before we all stop hurting.” This from her father who rested a hand on Dylan’s shoulder and held onto Noah’s hand with the other, solemnity shadowing his features.

Bella felt her mother’s arms come around her waist and she instantly fell back into the warm, loving embrace that she hadn’t realized she’d needed until just now. “Mom…,”

“I know, baby.” Was all she could manage, dropping a kiss on Bella’s
shoulder.

“We cannot continue the way we have. We’ve all lost a big piece of our hearts, but distancing ourselves from each other isn’t something Sophie would’ve wanted. Now more than ever is the time to rely on each other. We have to be strong and honor Sophie.” Nicholas’s hushed words echoed in the quietness of the cemetery washing over his family.

“We love you, Sophie. Be happy, be comforted and be loved in the arms of God, my dearest one.” As a family they said goodbye and despite the agony of their loss, they tentatively hoped for the day when it would not hurt so much.

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