Unfaded (25 page)

             
“They need someone to blame,” he said. “It’s human nature.”

             
“Yeah, well it sucks.”

             
Class began so we couldn’t talk anymore. I spent the first bit just doodling in my notebook. Last night’s events were really starting to catch up with me and I started thinking about how I was going to go home and take a long nap before dinner. My eye lids grew heavy and I stopped listening to Ms. Gray, the section of my brain designed for concentration just wasn’t working.

             
I wasn’t even surprised when the vision hit me. I peacefully watched the classroom fade away; it no longer frightened me now that I knew what it meant. Curiosity was taking over, I wanted to know more about my past and I wanted to know about Kian.

             
The desks and students disappeared and a field lay open in front of me. Filled with wild flowers and prairie grass, in the middle was an ancient tree with branches covered in thousands of large leaves. Underneath, a young girl in a long dress beckoned me with her hands. I moved towards her, she couldn’t have been older than six or seven. Her hair was black and long, it danced along her back as she moved. There were daisy’s woven through the curls.

             
I was disappointed once I realised that I wasn’t the dark skinned girl and Kian was nowhere in sight. I would have loved to go back to that vision, I wanted to know more about the love he claimed to have for me.

             
“Hello,” the girl said once I got close enough. “I’ve been waiting for you. My sister is waiting for you too but she’s hiding up in the tree. She’s shy.”

             
I looked upwards and another little girl waited about fifteen feet above the ground. Sitting on a wide branch, her bare feet kicked at the air. Holding her hand out, a butterfly perched on the end of her finger. Both girls were identical.

             
“Do you know who we are?” the girl asked me.

I nodded. “You’re me, right?”

“I could be,” the girl answered. “But which one am I?”

“I don’t understand,” I said. “Are you Apani? Are you me?”

“Good or bad, good or bad. That’s the riddle isn’t it? Who are we to pretend we’re someone else. But I know the answer and you can too. It’s waiting for you in the tree. Look into your reflection and you’ll see who you truly are.”

Stepping aside, the little girl pointed to the trunk and it began to move. A door opened up in the middle of the wood. Through the darkness a set of stairs were carved into the
tree, leading downwards.

“All you need to do is follow the path,” the girl from above me said. The butterfly floated away from her fingers and made its way down to land on my hand. Its wings quivered gracefully for a moment before it took flight again to feed off the nearby flowers.

“Go on,” the girl beside me said. “It’s quite safe. Nothing can harm you here.”

I stepped forward, ducking to step through the door. Inside the tree, the air was cool on my face and I reached out, pressing my hands along the sides to help keep my footing. The stairs were steep and I took them slowly. I began to count but lost track around fifty. It was dark inside the tree but far beneath me I could see a glowing light that grew brighter the further I descended.

Finally my feet hit bottom. In front of me was a long hallway and as I moved along, my fingers touched roots and bare earth. The glowing continued and soon I came across a large room. There were torches mounted along the walls, the fire burned brightly, making the room comfortable and warm.

Along the far wall was a mi
rror. It was small and ordinary. I wouldn’t be able to see myself until I got closer. Who would I see when I looked into the glass?

Suddenly I didn’t want to know. Kian was positive I was Apani. What if I wasn’t?

I turned around, determined to go back up the stairs but they were no longer there. Instead, another mirror was just beyond my reach. I turned again, twisting on my feet, almost stumbling. Suddenly the room was filled with mirrors, hundreds of them, thousands. Through them I could see myself, over and over, my body moving as I spun around. I couldn’t look at my face. I didn’t want to see.

“Look,” a voice called out to me.

Closing my eyes tightly, I tumbled to the ground, my knees cracking against a tree root. I cried out, biting my tongue in the process. Blood rushed to my mouth and I spat the copper liquid out.

“Look,” the voice came again.

“No,” I said.

“You have too. If you don’t, I’ll make you. You won’t like it.”

I opened my eyes and looked. The closest mirror was right at my face and it was my own reflection that looked back at me. I blinked.

Fire exploded from the glass, burning my eyes and hair. I screamed and beat at the flames. After the panic subsided I realised there was nothing there. The fire and the mirrors were gone. The room was bare and dark again.

A soft giggle came from the darkness.

“Fooled you.”

The torches went out and I was alone in the darkness.

I jerked upwards and back into the present. I was still sitting in my desk,
my arms cradled around my head. Anyone glancing at me probably just thought I was taking a nap. Hardly. My heart beat pounded against my temple and my body was soaked with sweat. I glanced around the room but no one was paying me any attention. Except Kian. His eyes watched me intently.

“You almost fell out of your desk,” he whispered. “I managed to stop you just in time. No one noticed a thing.”

“Thanks, I whispered back.

“Will you tell me what you saw later?”

“Yes.”

                            *              *              *

“How do you know I’m Apani?”

It was after class and Kian was driving me home. When the bell rang, I raced out of class so quickly he had to chase after me in order to keep up. I wanted to get into the parking lot and out of the area before anyone else.

              “What do you mean?” he asked.

             
“I mean, how do you know I’m not Dialexa? I could be. We were identical twins. We're always being reborn. How do you know for sure?”

             
“I just know.”

             
I sighed and looked out the window. “That’s not good enough.”

             
“What’s this about?”

             
I told him about the vision. He pulled up to my house halfway through my story so we sat outside with the heater running while I finished.

             
“See, how do you know who I am? Why else would the girls want me to question that? It must be my subconscious telling me something’s not right.”

             
“You’re not Dialexa. You’re not evil.”

             
“I could be,” I said. “I’ve read about nature verses nurture in psychology. Maybe it’s because I’ve been raised better every time I’m reincarnated. There’s no way to know.”

             
“Yes, there is,” he said. “You’re the one. I've never been wrong yet. And Dialexa always shows her face eventually. I’ve told you. When you were Ann, the girl in the picture, Dialexa came for you and you left me for her. Trust me, it’s you.”

             
“If I loved you then why did I leave you?”

             
“You had no choice,” he said. “Blood calls to blood.”

             
“If she shows up here, will I leave you again?”

             
“Maybe.”

             
I wanted to reach out and hit the dashboard as hard as I could. It was infuriating, not being able to pass judgement because I didn’t have enough information.

             
“Will you tell me more?” I asked. “About myself?”

             
“Absolutely. Let’s get together tomorrow. I’ve got some things to do tonight and you look positively exhausted. If anything you should sleep.”

             
I nodded. That sounded like the best idea in the world.

                                                        *              *              *

              Marley was thrilled to see me home.

             
“Can you watch Granny for a bit?” she politely asked although she was all ready putting on her coat. “I need to get to the post office before it closes.”

             
“Sure,” I said although what I really wanted to do was collapse into bed.

             
“I won’t be long,” she said as she rushed out the door.

             
Granny was in the living room watching television with the sound turned down. I went and sat beside her, resting my head against her shoulder. She immediately put her arm around me and pulled me closer.

             
“Oh, Helen,” she said. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

             
“Me too, Granny,” I said.

             
She began to sing to me, a lullaby I remembered from my childhood. She didn’t seem to remember all the words so she hummed through some of the parts. I didn’t mind. It was comforting to have her with me and it hurt all the more knowing she’d be gone soon. I didn’t want to lose her. I wasn’t ready.

             
It dawned on me that I was steadily losing all the people I loved in the world. Connor was gone and no matter how much I wanted him back I knew I wouldn’t allow it. Granny would be gone next, off to live in a lonely room where nurses would do the job I’d been doing without complaint for so long. But it wasn’t going to end there. Everyone I knew would begin to age except for me. How long would it be before I would have to leave them, unable to explain why I continued to look the same while everyone else around me became wrinkled?

             
Would I even last that long?

             
The tears came again and I wiped them away with my sleeve while Granny continued to hum her song. She pulled me closer to her and I could feel the sharpness of her bones against my body. It wasn’t fair that her brain wasn’t going to outlast her body. She worked her entire life for those memories and they were being robbed from her.

             
I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. It wasn’t helping.

             
I knew I wasn’t as alone as I felt. I had Kian. But try as I might, I couldn’t imagine being with him. I wasn’t ready to face that yet. He was still too much of a stranger to me.

                                                        *              *              *

              There were five new messages on my phone but I didn’t bother to check them. After dinner, I turned the ringer off and had a long bubble bath. I stayed in the tub, watching my fingers turn into a wrinkled mess. Normally I was the type to bring a book into the tub but I was just too tired to concentrate. It was nice to lie in the soapy warmth and not think about anything.

             
It had been a long week.

             
Afterwards, I dressed in a pair of flannel pyjamas that I managed to find in the back of my closet. They were a leftover Christmas gift, bright red with green and white candy canes. They weren’t the most attractive thing in my wardrobe but I hardly cared about that. I just wanted something warm and comfortable.

             
I was in bed by eight and about to turn off the light when Dad knocked on my door. He came in and immediately I knew there was something he wanted to discuss. He’s not the greatest when it comes to communication but at least he tried. Sitting down on my bed, he picked up a stuffed toy that Connor once bought for me. There were so many items in my room that had been gifts from my now ex-boyfriend. I realised I was going to have to take an hour or so and go through everything. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you break up with someone? Throw away all the gifts they give you?

Tear up all the pictures? It was a depressing thought and the tears almost came again. But I managed to keep them away. I was cried out.

              “I wanted to make sure everything’s ok with you,” Dad began. “Marley and I are a little concerned. You seem a bit preoccupied these days.”

             
“I’m fine,” I said.

             
“Are you sure? You’re not in any sort of trouble are you?”

             
“No, of course not.” I sat up straighter in my bed. “Why would you think that?”

             
Dad turned the stuffed toy around in his hands a few times. “I know I’ve been busy lately with what happened at the shop. But I’m still watching, Mai, and I just think you really haven’t been yourself lately.”