Unfaithful Ties (33 page)

I want so badly to raise this baby

with
you. I’m lost.

Please respond to me. I’m missing

you terribly.

Deon Hart
  
8:01am
                           

I need to see you.

I’ve tried to forget about

you
. I can’t! I’ve tried to move on.

I can’t. So even if I have to remain

number two in your life, I’m willing.

I’d rather be number two

than nothing at all.

I need to see you today.

Jason’s heart felt like it was going to burst if he continued reading. He sat there practically convulsed with rage, the words he’d just read slashing through him. He picked up the laptop and threw it into the wall and then yanked open the desk drawers one by one hoping to find records of the abortion. He needed dates. He stumbled across the bag that the hospital had given him after Vanessa’s accident. He’d never thought to ramble through it before that moment. It was too hard. Now it didn’t seem ethical, not to. When he pulled out her purse a folded piece of paper fell into his lap. Leisurely, he opened it and mentally read along the lines.

To my angel that I have to let slip away:

The best part about love is falling in love and the hardest part is having to say goodbye, let go, and move on. I miss you more than you'll ever know. More than most people would understand. Honestly, I don't quite understand it myself. How can I be in love with someone other than my husband? Sometimes I lie in his arms, craving your touch, longing to be held by you and hear your heartbeat thump to the same rhythm as mines. You’ve shown me your heart, opened up to me and since day one you’ve been affectionate. Something that he’s neglected to do until recently, after years and years of hearing me complain about it.  I hear your voice in my dreams, taste your lips when he kisses me, and pretend that I'm making love to you every time that he and I make love. I'm not proud about anything that I've done  but  shamelessly I don't regret any of  it either. The two children that I have carried and aborted because I know that my husband will never forgive me for getting pregnant by another man, haunts me every single day of my life. I’ve terminated the life of God’s most precious creation and I now have nightmares. Flashbacks of the abortions recur in my memory persistently. More often than none. It’s my punishment for my faithlessness behavior. My secrets would shatter my husband's heart and crumble his world. He thinks the world of me and treats me like a princess. I don’t deserve him any more than I deserve you. All those nights we spent together in the bed that my husband and I share when he thought that I was in Sandi Ego makes my heart ache for him, and my conscious is wearing me down. So, here it is, I'm deeply in love with you but I just cannot do this anymore. I've neglected him since the day that you came into my life but you and I both know that the time has come for us to end our affair.  I truly wish that things could have been different for us but I belong to another man. Always remember that even though I'm his wife you'll always be my love, my happiness, my all, and the man that I wish that I'd married. Love Always, Vanessa.

His anger frightened him as he curved his fingers into a tight fist, knocked down the chair, and pounded his fist into the wall. He’d never been so angry in his life. He was so angry he didn’t even feel the pain circulating through his knuckles.

Jason had snapped.  He didn’t remember snatching down Vanessa’s clothes, shoes, hat’s,
and makeup. He didn’t remember packing everything that she owned into several boxes. He didn’t remember stumbling down the staircase. He didn’t remember sitting the cardboard boxes by the front door. He didn’t remember sitting down on the stairs reading the letter over and over again. He didn’t remember how long he’d been sitting on the stairs waiting for her to return. His mind didn’t seem to be working.

****

Vanessa was startled, when she walked into the foyer. “Jason you almost scared the living daylights out of me. What’s with all the boxes?”

“There yours I want you to get your shit and get the fuck out of this house. Take your little boyfriend’s phone with you” He said.

Vanessa grabbed the phone out of Jason’s hand “What are you talking about?”

“This is what I’m talking about” He snapped, and tossed the letter to her.

She kneeled down and grabbed it.

After she glanced through the words, words that she’d written he asked. “Bringing back any memories yet?”

Tears slid down her cheeks and remorse rushed through her. “Jason, I’m sorry”

“Sorry? Is that all you got? How long has it been going on?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember it” She pleaded.

“All these years. I’ve loved you. I’ve never cheated on you. Never even thought about it. And you’ve been doing this to me? Why?”

“Jason I don’t know” She cried.

His eyes burned. He could feel warm tears slipping through his lids. “You had an Abortion? Never in a million years would I have thought that you’d have an abortion. But then again I never thought that you’d do any of this” Somehow he pulled himself up from the stairs.

“Jason I’m sorry” She said grabbing at his hands.”

He pushed her away. He didn’t realized how hard he’d pushed her until she landed into the wall. He snatched the letter from her and read the hurtful words aloud as if he was giving a presentation. “
The best part about love is falling in love and the hardest part is having to say goodbye, let go, and move on. I miss you more than you'll ever know. More than most people would understand. Honestly, I don't quite understand it myself. How can I be in love with someone other than my husband
?
His voice cracked. “Tell me Vanessa, how is that possible?”

“Stop it Jason. Please Stop”

“Sometimes I lie in his arms, craving your touch, longing to be held by you and hear your heartbeat thump to the same rhythm as mines. You’ve shown me your heart, opened up to me and since day one you’ve been affectionate. Something that he’s neglected to do until recently, after years and years of hearing me complain about it.  I hear your voice in my dreams, taste your lips when he kisses me, and pretend that I'm making love to you every time that he and I make love. I'm not proud about anything that I've done but shamelessly I don't regret any of it either. The two children that I have carried and aborted because I know that my husband will never forgive me..” Words choked in his throat as he struggled to finish the sentence.   “My husband will never forgive me for getting pregnant by another man, haunts me every single day of my life. I’ve terminated the life of God’s most precious creation and I now have nightmares. Flashbacks of the abortions recur in my memory persistently
.
”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” Vanessa cried. “Please forgive me”

“My secrets would shatter my husband's heart and crumble his world. He thinks the world of me and treats me like a princess. I don’t deserve him any more than I deserve you. All those nights we spent together in the bed that my husband and I share when he thought that I was in Sandi Ego makes my heart ache for him, and my conscious is wearing me down.”

Vanessa sobbed heavily while attempting to snatch the letter from Jason.

Dodging her he continued to read.
“So, here it is, I'm deeply in love with you but I just cannot do this anymore. I've neglected him since the day that you came into my life but you and I both know that the time has come for us to end our affair.  I truly wish that things could have been different for us but I belong to another man. Always remember that even though I'm his wife you'll always be my love, my happiness, my all, and the man that I wish that I'd married. Love Always, Vanessa
.
.” He sniffed and started clapping his hands. “You deserve an applause because you damn sure made a fool out of me.”

“
Jason I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Tell me how you feel about us. What’s going to happen to us?” Vanessa asked.

Jason wrestled his wedding band off of his finger and let it drop to the floor. “This is how I feel about us”

“I’m sorry Jason, I don’t know why I did those things”

Using his arm he wiped away his tears. “Well it doesn’t change the fact that you did.”

“Where am I going to go? I don’t know anyone here. I don’t have anywhere to go”

“I have a wonderful idea. Why don’t you go live with the man you wish that you’d married? Apparently I’m not that guy.”

“Jason” She cried. “Please. What about what you said earlier? For better or worse. Through thick and thin. Till death do us part. Remember?”

“Sweetness I’ve always remembered our vowels, you didn’t. Be gone when I get back”

“Jason please. We can work through this.”

“We can work through it?” He shouted. The way he was speaking to her was shocking, even to him. “We can’t work through this.  This is no little problem. This is huge. You betrayed me in a major way. You wished that you were making love to him when we made....” His voice had cracked again
.. “...Love. I’m all broken up inside and we can’t fix it. I don’t even know how to begin fixing it.  I don’t even know for sure that the baby you were carrying before the accident was mines. This shit is over. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.” He shouted, and headed for the door. “Please don’t be here when I get back”

“Jason...please, I’m sorry. How am I supposed to stop loving you?”

“You don’t love me. The letter that I just read proves that you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

“Jason I know that this situation is really screwed up. You name it I’ve done it. I’ve lied to you. Cheated on you. Told you even more lies. But through it all I’ve loved you.” She said with a cracking voice  “…and loved you” She cried. “ …
and loved you. Jason I’ve never stopped loving you.”

“A couple of hours ago you didn’t even remember anything about our life together. And now all of a sudden you remember that you’ve never stopped loving me. Be for real. Look I’m gone and I hope that you and all your shit is gone when I get back.” He turned and headed towards the door.

Vanessa raced to the door hoping to stop him but it was too late, he was gone. The door slammed before her, causing her entire body to jerk, she leaned against the door and slid down to her bottom, sobbing. She was sure that her marriage was over.

****

When Jason left he headed to a Bar & Grill called
The Man Cave.

He was gambling. Something he never did. He’d asked his co-worker Clifford to meet him there. He needed to clear his head.

He’d just grabbed the stick and burst the rack when this fine stallion, walnut skin, ebony straight shoulder length hair, petite but thick as molasses in all the right places strutted by him. She was definitely a dime. 
About five three, one hundred and thirty pounds. Favored Nia Long. Her curvy voluptuous figure enticed all five of his senses. And he was sure that every man in the bar felt the same exact way. He was thinking,
if my wife thinks it’s okay to sleep around while you’re married than so do I
.

“I’ll double that plus one hundred dollars to whoever knocks in the eight ball
” She said, eyeing the loose bills on top of the pool table.

Her voice was even sexier than her shapely-figure. Smooth and soft like butter. Jason noticed her
ringless finger, when she rested both her hands on top of the pool table.  Naturally his eyes focused on her model-like face. She had the most attractive smile. Her teeth were whiter than a field of snow and as straight as the most expensive set of veneers.

“That sign outside says
The Man Cave
and this is a man’s game” Jason grinned slyly. “I would hate to take your money besides my partner has already put his money on the table.”

“I don’t mind seeing this beautiful woman hit a few corner pockets
” Clifford said. Clifford was standing at the other end of pool table eyeing the woman like a lion hunting for food, like all the rest of men. Knowing him he was just glad to be away from his wife. Whenever he went out he was like a dog that’d been let off the leash. Wild and out of control. Just like Vanessa and Jason, he and his wife Marie had married young. They had two small children plus one in the oven and when he had the chance to escape from his family he behaved like he’d been released from prison. Like he was finally free. He was tall, green eyed, with blonde hair. Clifford mirrored one of the guys that you’d probably seen starring on soap operas such as The Young and The Restless and Days of Our Lives. Since Jason had made New York his home Cliff had been his white brother from another mother especially since his closest friends lived in other parts of the world.

Jason took a quick sip of his Corona. “I’m good. I don’t
wanna’ send you home broke and crying”

“Please! It will take a lot more than a hundred dollar bill to break me.” She chuckled, slammed a one hundred dollar bill on the pool table, walked over to Clifford and grabbed his stick, chalked the stick, blew the dust off, and slammed the stick horizontally across the table, blocking Jason’s shot. “Sounds to me like you’re scared that you might get embarrassed by a woman”