Unlovable (26 page)

“
A couple years,” I said.
When she asked when exactly my parents had died, I began fidgeting
around, opening and closing drawers loudly in an effort to stall
her until I could think up with a good cover story.

I was saved from answering when she
began rubbing her temples. I helped her back onto the bar stool,
and she let the subject drop. “We’re pretty much done, I’ll
finish.”

I poured several different seasoned
oils into a wok. When the oils began popping in the heat, I added
the chicken strips, browning them before adding the veggies, each
hissed loudly as they hit the oil. Steam and smoke spirited out of
the pan making the kitchen come alive with the aroma. I poured the
ingredients for the sauce in a separate pan as the stir-fry
cooked.

“
Where did you learn to cook
like this?”

“
When we were stationed in
France, I took a class. After moving back to the states, I took a
few more classes with my mom.” Tired of me playing spy with my dad
all the time, she wanted me to have other interests so we enrolled
in the cooking class together, and my love for cooking was
born.

While I finished the meal,
Maggie insisted on setting the table. I held out her chair as she
sat down, stealing a whiff of her hair in the process.
Thanks for all the etiquette lessons,
Mom.

Maggie ate two helpings of dinner,
spooning up the extra sauce off her plate when she’d finished. We
were both too full for desert: a high calorie, carb laden,
chocolate creation chilling in the refrigerator. We’d have it
later, or maybe I’d send it home with her, along with the leftovers
from dinner. Sorry, Cole.

I suggested we sit by the fire when we
were finished. She curled up on the couch while I went over to the
fireplace and flipped a brass switch on the wall. The fire roared
to life.

She laughed. “I’m guessing you were
never a boy scout?”

“
You’ve got to love the ease
of a gas fireplace,” I said, settling down next to her. We sat
quietly for a few minutes watching the flames dance around behind
the glass. I doubt she had any idea of the battle raging inside me
as I debated whether to put my arm around her. Nervously, I bit the
bullet and slipped my arm around her tiny shoulders, nudging her
close.

Big mistake.

Her fingers sprang to her hair, and
she began twisting the thin brown strand around frantically. I
didn’t mind the twisting, I thought it was cute, but I knew what it
meant; she was nervous, and probably not in an “Oh, goodie, he’s
going to try and kiss me” way. More likely it was an “Oh, no, he’s
going to try and kiss me” way. Girls truly should come with a
manual!

The phone began ringing before I could
make my big move, talk about lousy timing. It rang several times,
but I made no effort to answer it.

“
Aren’t you going to get
it?”

“
No, I’ll let the machine.
I’m too comfortable to move.”

The machine picked up the call;
“Hello, Seth here. Please leave a message.”

“
Hey, Seth.” Maggie flinched
at the voice. “It’s Hilly, I’ve missed you. Sorry about deserting
you at the festival and leaving with Zack. He lied and said you and
Trailer Girl were … I know, disgusting thought.” She
giggled.

Hillary was the bane of my assignment.
I’d asked Booker if we could reassign her and her friends to
another agent, but he said no, saying we had a good relationship
going, clearly his opinion. Although she wasn’t doing drugs, she
had friends who were, one being Zack. He only admitted to smoking
weed, but the rumors going around the school recently were that he
was doing more, a lot more. Hopefully, he’d be the ticket to our
dealers.

“
Anyway, um, I’ve come to my
senses. I realized you would never, well, not with her anyway.” The
longer ’Hilly’ continued to babble, the faster Maggie’s fingers
twisted her hair.

“
I know we’re just friends
and all, but my parents are out of town for the weekend, and I’m
all alone. I’d love it if you would come over, and you know, keep
me company. I’m sure we could think of—” I’d had enough and reached
around the wooden end table, unplugging the phone line.

“
She’s delusional.” I
settled back down and bravely put my arm around her
again.

She ripped her fingers out
of her hair,
ouch, that had to
hurt
, and pulled away.

“
You know, Seth, you and
Hillary make sense.” She stood up and walked over to the fire,
holding her hands to the flames for warmth. “You two come from the
same circles. You should—”

“
I don’t believe it. Please
tell me you’re not doing this.” I tried, unsuccessfully, to remain
calm. I felt as if weeks of patience and hard work were about to
blow up in my face. Instead of us becoming closer, she was going to
push me away. Was she actually going to suggest I hook up with
Hillary?

“
Doing what?” she asked,
stunned by my reaction. She was clueless as to how I felt! Had I
not spent weeks dropping hints? Had she not noticed any of them?
Did she feel nothing for me other than friendship?

Impossible. I’ve seen the way she
looks at me, not to mention what happened earlier at my front door.
This was beyond maddening.

“
Now that you’ve calmed
down, you’re trying to distance yourself from me. You’re back
behind the wall you’ve built.”

“
What are you talking about?
I don’t have walls around me.”

I rubbed my face in frustration. She
couldn’t possible believe that, could she? Okay, fine. She wanted
proof, I’d give it to her. “Who’s your best friend, Maggie?” I
walked toward her. “Who do you call at three in the morning when
you just want to talk? Who do you confide in when your heart is
breaking?”

She said nothing, she knew I was
right, and there was no denying it. “You have this wall around
you,” my words were flowing out fast and furious now, “and the
second someone gets a peek inside, you add another row of bricks,
like today. When you first got here …” My face warped into a
tortured expression, and I couldn’t finish my sentence.

“
I was upset and exaggerated
the situation, I’m embarrassed actually. It really wasn’t a big
deal.” She was lying through her teeth. Self-preservation, Maggie
was an expert at it. She didn’t want me close to her. Her life was
a hard life, filled mostly with pain, no doubt, she was afraid of
risking a broken heart on top of everything else. Knowing her, she
probably felt it was better to break it off before she got hurt.
Did she really believe she was unlovable?

She continued. “I was mostly upset
with my mom for throwing the lunches across the room, I was pretty
hungry, and if I allow myself to become really tired like I did,
I’m completely unreasonable.”

“
Stop.” I held onto her
shoulders, fearing she’d run if I didn’t. “I can’t go on pretending
any more. I don’t want to be just your friend. I’m in love with
you.” That wasn’t how I’d imagined telling her the first time, I
had envisioned something much more romantic. My bulldozer approach
was probably going to push her over the edge, but since I couldn’t
take it back, I forged on.

“
I want to be the one you
need and the one you call. I know you’ll deny it, Maggie, but I
think you feel the same way. I swear I can see it in your eyes
every time you look at me.”

My confession seemed to floor her
completely. She stood there with her mouth hanging open saying
nothing for several seconds. They were the longest seconds of my
life.

17

Maggie

“
Come on, Maggie, admit
it.”

But I couldn’t. My mouth wouldn’t form
the words I’d never uttered aloud to another living soul. I had to
do something quickly, because with every fiber of my being, I knew
what was coming next. I did what I do best when backed into a
corner; I lashed out.

“
Hillary’s not the only one
around here who’s delusional.” His face went hard. He dropped his
hands from my shoulders, and I felt sick for hurting him. I
snatched up my clothes from the counter and ran up the stairs to
change, not realizing he followed me. I no sooner shut the bedroom
door, when it flew open again. He grabbed the clothes from my
hands, tossing them onto the bed. He wrapped his warm hands around
my face and pulled me next to him.

“
Are you saying I don’t
matter to you?”

“
No. We’re friends, good
friends.” I swallowed hard at my words.

“
So if I were to kiss you,
it wouldn’t mean a thing to you?”

“
It’d be like kissing my
brother,” I whispered.

“
Is that right?” He ran his
thumbs along my jaw, sending a shiver up my back. He smiled. “Let
me show you who the delusional one is, Maggie. Oh, and if I’m
boring you, feel free to stop me at any time.” He leaned forward
and in one swift motion captured my mouth with his before I could
utter a word.

My head screamed out in protest, my
body, on the other hand, rebelled against me. While the battle
raged in my mind, my arms wrapped themselves around his waist
holding him tight. He pressed his mouth firmly onto mine as he
tunneled his hands through my hair, holding my face to his. His
lips felt incredibly soft and warm as they moved hungrily against
mine.

NO! This is not what you
want. He’ll be like every other boy
, my
head yelled.
He’ll make demands. Don’t
trust him
. My mother’s cruel words played
repeatedly in my head, and I knew I should push him
away.

But I didn’t. With my poor heart
pounding wildly, his kiss spilled through to my soul, and I was
lost. His lips never left mine, yet he was all over my mouth. Never
before had I felt anything this wonderful. I knew I’d pay dearly
for my surrender, but I’d gladly pay it. I hoped the kiss would
never end. A throaty sigh escaped my lips, and he drew me even
closer.

As each of my bones melted, one by
one, I was impressed I had the strength to remain standing. It felt
as if the entire world ceased to exist. There was only he and I
left, alone and together. My heart and soul swam in a sea of pure
joy.

He started to pull away, except I
wasn’t ready yet and didn’t loosen my hold on him. He pulled me
back tight and whispered my name against my lips, which caused a
fire to explode inside my heart. My soul was so tangled up in him,
I had no idea how I was going to survive after he left
me.

When he pulled back the second time, I
didn’t stop him. I dropped my head onto his warm chest, trying to
catch my breath. He held me against him, his breath was as erratic
as mine.

“
I can feel your heart
beating against my chest,” he whispered. I could feel his
too.

After my breathing slowed somewhat, I
lifted my head and looked up into his eyes. I could feel the fear
rising up now that I could think clearly again. “Please don’t hurt
me. When you’re tired of me, just let me know. I promise not to be
a clinging vine.” I sounded vulnerable and completely pathetic, and
I never hated myself more. I was a fighter, not a weak hapless
wimp. I didn’t need anyone, certainly not a guy to make me
happy.

Only I wasn’t happy. I was alone. And
I was sick and tired of being alone. I was also very much in love
with him. It frightened me beyond words.

“
Maggie,” he said, stroking
my hair. “I’m not going to get tired of you, and I certainly don’t
plan on hurting you, not on purpose, anyway. But I don’t want to be
just here.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “I want to be in here
too.” He brushed my head with his lips. “And in your heart. I’ve
never loved anyone like this before.” With that declaration, he
kissed me again with a kiss every bit as enjoyable as the last one.
When he stopped, I was breathless again. “And I have no intention
of letting you go.” He rolled his eyes as if I were crazy to think
such a thing.

We’ll see.

“
Do you still want to go
home?” I shook my head. “Good. Let’s go back down by the fire.” He
took my hand and led me downstairs. We sat watching the flames
fluttering around, neither one of us speaking. It felt right to be
in his arms. I looked up at him and smiled.

“
What are you thinking?” He
softly stroked along my chin with the back of his hand.

“
I was thinking about how
beautiful you are.”

He frowned. “Women are beautiful, not
men. They’re... I don’t know, handsome or something. Certainly not
beautiful.”

“
If you say so.” After all,
who was I to argue with this beautiful creature?

“
I love you, Maggie.” His
eyes were soft and warm. I wanted to say it back, I certainly felt
it. I loved him and had loved him for some time, yet the fear of
saying it aloud overwhelmed me. I nodded as guilt ripped at my
heart. How could I not tell this guy I loved him after all he’d
done for me? He’d proven repeatedly he was trustworthy. Yet even
with my self-inflicted guilt trip, I couldn’t say it.

“
Let’s start knocking down
those walls of yours. Tell me something about yourself no one else
knows.”