Unmistakable (31 page)

“What the hell are you talking about?” I hear the anger in Jake’s voice loud and clear, as I feel Damien’s body shake in anger.

“She betrayed me. Time and time again she chose someone else over me. She betrayed everyone in this room. The fucker that pulled the trigger, killing my parents, worked for her father. After knowing that, she forgives the son-of-a-bitch. I did my job. I got her out in one fucking piece. Now, do me a solid, and get her out!”

Strength coming from somewhere pumps through me, and I find myself free from my brother’s hold and moving toward Cody. I gently hold his face with my hands, slowly turning him to face me. I need to see his eyes to confirm what my mind is understanding from everything I’m witnessing. As soon as his eyes meet mine, I let out a gasp. He may not see clearly…but clearly, his feelings aren’t blind, because his eyes say it all.

There’s nothing in his eyes…nothing.

“Love….”

He barks off, “Don’t.Call.Me.That.”

“I love you, Cody. Believe what I’m saying,” I’m begging….pleading.

I utter these words as if they’re the last words I’ll ever say. My tears are relentless, my heart’s pounding is unforgiving. I feel every hurtful word that leaves his lips, while his eyes shock me to my core, seeing the anger in them kills, whatever, hope my heart had been saving for this moment.

“I.Don’t.Love.You. Leave me the hell alone,” he sneers at me.

The final blow is given. It comes down….

Hard….

Swiftly….

Without mercy….

“Enough!” Uncle Jack angrily says.

His words shouldn’t have shocked me, but they do. I can handle almost any hurtful words from him, but hearing he doesn’t love me brings me to my knees. I fall down…

Hard….

Swiftly….

Without mercy….

I can’t breathe, my chest feels so heavy, I’m sure I’m dying. This is the end of my life…the end of a meaningful life I once wished I could share with him. I can’t breathe, because his words squeezed the life out of my heart. My brother picks me up and walks out of the room. In his arms, I rest, but on that hospital floor, my heart lies lifeless. His sparkling blue eyes that once melted my heart, now only hold nothing but anger…coldness….ice cold shards of blue.

“He loves me, Damien. He loves me….he loves me,” repeatedly I say this.

“Calm down, sweetheart. Mom, I think, she’s in shock. Is there a place I can take her?”

Mom?

Hearing that word… ‘mom’ stops my recitation of Cody loving me. At this moment, I just want her…I just want my mom to hold me. To replace the love that just left me, but she’s not here. An overwhelming sense of sadness consumes me as the memory of my mother brings me back to the reality that, once again, I’ve lost someone’s love.

“Follow me, Damien.”

The next thing I know, my brother lays me down on a sofa. My eyes roam his face, searching for comfort, and all I see is absolute sadness. I feel he wants to take my pain away, but maybe…I deserve it. After all, Cody all, but yelled how I betrayed everyone.

Running his hand over my hair he says, “Breathe for me, Rox.”

Why can’t I just die? Crying is the only response I know to give. Cody’s words confirmed my fears…

He can’t forgive me for what I’ve done…

He can’t forget what was done to me, what I allowed him to witness….

If only I had listened, maybe I should’ve died along with my Dad…

Shaking his head he continues, “Roxy, I don’t want you getting sick because of this. You need to talk to someone, please. You still have me. I’m still here…I still love you. Mom…” he bites his lower lip as he stops himself. “Just…Just let him go for now, and just focus on you.” He stops again, only to wipe his own tears. “Is there anything you want? Are you comfortable here? Do you want me to take you home?”

I lay there without speaking as I stare at the ceiling, instead of looking into my brother’s eyes, because they just remind me of my betrayal. As my never ending tears continue to trek down my face, my brother continues to talk to Cody’s nurse.

“Mom, she’s not answering. Can we give her something, so she’ll calm down and sleep? I don’t know how to help her. We’re slowly losing her, Mom.”

Damien walks over to her, and immediately, he falls into her arms. Their hold on each other is so moving, I can’t tear my eyes from them. I’ve never seen my brother release control to anyone, but to her, he gives it up freely. This woman is giving my brother comfort and strength as he takes it all in…soaking in her embrace. Then, it hits me…

He called her mom many times….

Her green eyes are familiar….

My brother melts in her arms….

That word I once thought I’d never, ever say…that one simple word that others take for granted…now…now leaves my mouth….

“Mom?”

(Chapter 19)

“I don’t know what the hell just happened, here. I know, you’ve been under a great deal of stress and pain, but you shouldn’t have said those words. Do you even mean them, Cody?” Brian asks, and how I wish they’d just leave me the hell alone.

“Now, you’re out of words? You haven’t learned from me? Remember, how I pushed Trish away? Do you know where I found myself? Do you want me to remind you? I found myself in hell. I created my own personal hell where I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t think…I couldn’t do anything, but suffer, alone. Do you know what’s even worse than that? It’s knowing that the woman I loved was hurting because of me. I hurt her with my own mouth, spewing words I knew couldn’t easily be forgotten. Is that something you want? You need her, Cody, because she’s your life, whether, you want to admit it or not. This shit isn’t her doing.” Blowing a frustrated sigh, Jake says, “Dad, get his head straight. I’m outta here. Trish needs me.”

Hearing the sound of disappoint in Jake’s voice almost buckled my determined heart. How can he possibly understand when the woman he loves never once betrayed him? So, I lie here and wait on Jack, determined to ride the waves of anger and hurt, caused by his brother, doubly determined to glue together my heart, annihilated by his niece. Any attempt to explain myself is futile at this point. Regardless of what they feel…of what they may think of me, I can’t possibly love someone who can’t trust me.

“Brian, can you check on Roxy, please. Give me a moment with him.”

After a few seconds of silence, Gunny opens his mouth with words aimed to teach, and correct with the hope that clarity of mind will come soon after.

“You mind telling me what’s up?”

“I already did. I never kept it a secret how her betrayal affected me. She forgave him, knowing what he did to my parents. Granted, he didn’t pull the fucking trigger, but he might as well have. How can I look at her, and not remember what that….” I stop to compose myself. Talking about my parents is hard for me most days, but after finding out the truth, talking about it is mentally and physically agonizing. “…son-of-a-bitch did to my parents. How can she possibly forgive someone who ruined so many lives, including hers? I can’t…I can’t be with her, not here…” pointing at my chest. “Or anywhere, remotely, where I can see her. Don’t make me.”

“I see. How can you stand being around me? Being around Jake and LT? My brother’s blood runs through us, too. Aren’t we a reminder of him as well, not just the woman you so loudly declared as your own? The woman you were…you are ready to die for. How can you distinguish? Is it because we have balls you can’t crush, and she has a heart you can destroy?”

I turn toward his voice even though I can’t see him. I want him to know, I mean every word. “I can distinguish, because every single one of you didn’t betray me as she did. If given the chance, you would have served your brother his balls for lunch. Jake and LT would’ve done the same thing. As a group, collectively, we tried to solve the problem, but what does she do? She kept the truth from us…she deceived you….me, and everyone else. For what? To protect me, Trish, you? That’s not her call to make.”

“So, you kill her with your words. We’re called to protect them…not hurt them, Cody. Words are easily said, they come out quickly, but once they leave your mouth and hit the person you intend to hurt, you can never get them back. Words that are hurtful, cut deep…deeper than you can imagine. They’re precise in their infliction, they leave a scar so distinct, they can’t be forgotten. Are those the kind of things you want her to remember? Because let me tell you, she’ll remember them and never forget them. Can you live with that?”

I let out a sarcastic laugh, “Can she live with the fact that she forgave the bastard, and not once asked why? Can she forgive herself for putting me here because of her own stupid judgment and inability to trust anyone?”

“Funny thing, forgiveness is a free gift, Cody. You can’t decide who gives it, and neither can you control the reason why it’s given. She has her reasons for forgiving her father. Maybe, you should ask her, so you can understand, instead of allowing it to drive a wedge between you two. She didn’t put you here, Cody. You would be here anyway, because you wanted to protect her. Does it really matter how you ended up here when your decision was made from the get go? Your life for hers, remember? It’s a choice you made
freely,
because of love; a choice you weren’t
afraid
to make, because of her; and it’s a choice you’ll
continue
to make, because of each other. It’s your love for her that moved you to make these choices, so the consequences of those choices aren’t
hers
to carry, they’re
yours
to accept, son, because
you
made them.”

“You weren’t there when they were brutalizing her! You weren’t there to see the fear in her eyes while I sat there, unable to do anything. Do you know every time I close my eyes, I see her being touched by hands that weren’t mine. I see lips against her skin that weren’t mine. I see blood and bruises on her face, on her body… the body I vowed to protect and couldn’t. Do you know how painful that is? If only she had listened and told us everything, I wouldn’t have had witness it. Yes, I’ve made those choices, choices I don’t regret, but because of her, those choices meant nothing. She still got hurt and almost died while I fucking sat there, helpless. Twice, Jack, twice that man took something from me, and hurt someone I love. Now, tell me how can she forgive him, and not know how that action would kill me.”

“Excuse me, sir; he needs to rest now,” a female voice says.

“I’ll be out in a minute, Ma’am,” a calm and friendly voice comes from Jack, no one would know he’s seething in anger.

“I’ll leave you for now, Cody, but while you lie here and wait, think about this. Everyone has the right to choose, it’s called ‘free will’. The choices you made to protect her, scared her as well as her choices scared you. Both of you working under the same objective of protecting each other, choices both of you made, willingly, without thought, because of the love you both share. Now, why is it you can make your choices, but she can’t make hers? Both of your choices landed both of you in that room to witness the consequences of each other’s choice, painful as they may be. Learn to accept her choice, as she learns to accept yours, and let the consequences of them be a reason to understand each other, not a reason for division. Think about that.”

He leaves me to stew on his words. Words I know can bring understanding, but they can only do that when my mind isn’t clouded by anger, and my heart isn’t crusted with pain. For now, both my mind and heart can’t truly understand his words or better yet, both my mind and heart can’t accept the truth behind his words.

My heart is too full of anger to give absolution…

My body is submerged too deep in a sea of pain to give protection…

My mind is too inundated with the whys to give consideration…

ABSOLUTION….

PROTECTION….

CONSIDERATION…

These three things I once gave freely to
my love
without question. Now, I can’t even fathom giving them, not that I can’t…but that she doesn’t….

DESERVE them.