Unplugged (30 page)

“
Taking things further?” I ask.

“
If you can’t come to an agreement and don’t agree to full mediation to solve this, the next step would be court involvement. I would strongly advise you avoid that.”

Craig twists to look at me.
“It’s not just the drugs and lifestyle; what if this gets serious? Would you move overseas? Then how would I see her?”

I blink.
“We’re nowhere near that stage! I can’t answer that question.”

Craig looks back to Carol.
“Can I stop her taking my daughter away to another country?”

“
That situation is something that would need to be addressed if it arose, and would depend on Ella’s residency arrangements at the time. If Cerys doesn’t have sole parental responsibility, she would need your permission, yes.”

“
Well, as long as I feel Ella’s welfare is threatened, I will fight to get custody.”

The vanilla scent of the candle turns my stomach, the fake smell matching the mock concern of Craig
’s for Ella’s wellbeing. His motivation for this goes beyond concern for her welfare.

****

LIAM

I miss Cerys when I
’m away, her calming influence and the natural connection we have where I can sit in silence with her and feel as if we’re communicating. I worry that my constant trips away will interfere; that she won’t want a half-baked relationship or she won’t trust me. Her implicit acceptance is part of what I love about her; a contrast to Honey’s insecure accusations and jealousy. If you love someone, you don’t try to run their life.

I
’m supposed to be on a break but even without Blue Phoenix, I’m tightly held by my music world. I can’t say no when people ask me for help; and without Steve making the decisions for me, I’m saying yes a hell of a lot more than I should. The session work is over, but bloody Jem drags me around the country with Ruby Riot. I get he likes the band, understand his passion for their music; but he’s not their manager. I’m worried this will end badly, especially with the girl, Ruby.

Cerys pushes Ella on the swing while I sit on the wooden bench beneath the willow tree and send some texts. I
’m rearranging tomorrow’s plans because I’m positive Cerys needs my support. Something’s wrong, she’s pale and quiet. On the drive to the playground, Ella whined about wanting an ice-cream, and Cerys’s reaction was over the top. I’ve heard her scold her daughter before, but always in proportion to the behaviour.

Cerys
’s knee-length summer dress catches the sun, which shines through the thin, white material emphasising her curves. Her brown hair has grown over the last few months; and now is clipped out of her face. The huge brown eyes that once hid beneath her fringe are visible and hold a secret I don’t understand. Am I too complacent? Has she had enough?

Ella jumps down from the swing and heads for the slide. Cerys walks over and sits on the bench next to me; I place my hand on her knee, wishing I could feel the soft warmth of her skin beneath the cotton.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

She
smoothes the dress where I’ve wrinkled it so I take her hand instead. “Craig’s being a pain in the backside.”

I should
’ve guessed. “Has he been turning up at all hours demanding to see Ella again?”

“
Worse.” The tears brimming in her eyes are unlike this Cerys and more like the hurt girl from Christmas.

“
What’s happening?”

“
He wants Ella. He’s taking me to court for full custody.”

“
What the fuck?” She winces as I grip her hand so I rub her fingers. “Sorry. He can’t do that!”

“
No, I don’t think he’ll win. He’s being selfish; we could’ve sorted this out through mediation, but he point blank refuses.”

I slump against the bench unsure what to say. I have no clue about this shit
; but what I can’t understand is how someone who treated Ella and Cerys like he did, could achieve what he wants.

“
I’ll get my lawyers onto this,” I tell her. “He won’t win.”

Cerys picks at the hem of her dress, head dipped.
“He’s telling people you’re a drug addict endangering his daughter.”

“
What the fuck? You have to be fucking kidding me!” The desire to wring this guy’s neck increases every day.

“
It worries me. Blue Phoenix’s media image isn’t great recently.” She stares straight ahead and her refusal to meet my eyes prickles my neck. “I don’t know...”

“
Why? When was the last time I was implicated in anything? Can’t you see he’s doing this to cause problems? He’s jealous!”

“
Yes, but I don’t think it’s me and you he’s jealous of.”

Ella
. She swings upside down on the climbing frame, her long brown hair hanging toward the ground as she grips the bars with her legs.

“
This is about me and Ella?” I ask hoarsely.

“
This is about Craig thinking we’re going to take his daughter from him. If you’re not around, I think he’ll show his true colours and drop this.”

Not around.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I say sharply

“
Can we pause things for a little while?” she asks in a small voice.

“
Pause? I can’t pause, Cerys! It’s bad enough when I don’t see you for a week!”

Cerys stares at the ground.
“We paused things for nearly six months.”

“
No, we didn’t! That wasn’t pausing. That was losing each other because we didn’t fucking communicate!”

“
Liam, I’m sorry; I have to think about Ella.”

“
What about you? Think about you!”

“
I am!”

“
Then think about us.”

“
I am,” she repeats softly.

“
No, you’re not. Don’t you care how I feel?”

The park is quiet, just a few people gathered on benches closer to the playground equipment
, but Cerys looks around, uncomfortably. “Of course I do,” she says.

“Look at me.”

“
Please, Liam, can we talk about this later?”

“
You started the conversation.”

“
I didn’t expect you to react like this. You’re away some of the time anyway, just stay away a bit longer next time?”

“
Do you understand what you mean to me?” I ask, touching her face but she continues to stare at the grass. “Look at me!”

“
Liam.” Her voice is pleading me to stop, but she doesn’t get to ignore this.

“
Cerys, I’m in love with you. I’d go to the fucking moon and back for you, but I won’t leave you when you need me.”

Cerys wraps her arms around her head and I stare in shock. Doesn
’t she feel the same way?

With awesome timing, Ella appears, face flushed from play.
“What’s wrong with Mummy?”

Cerys looks up and smiles at her daughter.
“Nothing, baby.”

But Ella can see the tears as easily as I can and she
scowls at me. “Did you make Mummy cry?”

“
No, I didn’t. She’s sad because she worries about you.”

“
But I didn’t fall; I’m good at climbing!”

Cerys laughs.
“I know. We should go for ice-creams.”

She
’s switched off and shut me out so easily. My world shifts from the balanced centre I had with the heart-rending realisation, Cerys doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for her.

We buy ice-creams
; but I can barely eat mine, I’m dazed by her out of the blue decision. Nothing more is said and I know until Ella is out of earshot, the topic won’t be discussed again.

Cerys hints at me dropping her and Ella home then leaving straight away
, but she doesn’t get away with things that easily. I take them home and position Ella in front of the television. If we talk anywhere downstairs, Ella could hear us so I storm upstairs.

“
Where are you going?” shouts Cerys after me.

“
Come here and talk to me,” I call back.

Outside our bedroom window, children play on bikes in the street, cars parked in driveways of identical box-like houses. Worlds apart from mine. Have I made a mistake trying to be part of
Cerys’s world?

“
I’m sorry, Liam,” says Cerys, as she hovers in the doorway, as far from me as she can.

“
Every time I tell you that I love you since we came back from the States, you pretend not to hear,” I say.

“
I do hear.”

“
Then why don’t you ever respond?”

“
Now I’m back in reality, I worry if I give my whole self to you, you won’t want me anymore.”

“
You have my heart, Cerys. I left it with you at Christmas. Why do you think I came back and I’m still in the UK? I want to be as close to you as I can. I want you.”

Cerys fold trem
bling hands beneath her arms. “Please, can’t we just pause again?”

“
How? How can I pause the way I feel about you? I can’t switch on and off.”

“
Then end this.”

“
No! You end this if you are sure you don’t love me.”

Cerys runs her fingers through her hair and holds tight.
“I do love you! But I love Ella more! I can’t do anything that would threaten her happiness. Ella’s dad already messed around with her life; he’s not doing it again.”

“
But what about you? What about your life?”

“
She is my life!” Cerys breaks, tears spilling as her face falls into the sadness she’s held back. She slumps onto the bed. “My life went on hold at sixteen; she’s now the centre of my world.”

What do I say? There
’s so much wrong here. She stayed with Craig in a loveless relationship because of Ella. Now she’s pushing me away. I don’t believe our relationship is as big a threat as Cerys says. Underlying all of this is her fear of getting close to me.

“
You can live your own life and still love her,” I say. “Don’t throw this away.”

“
I’m not! I just need time out until this mess is sorted, Liam. Please. I don’t want to lose her.”

I sit next to Cerys on the bed and take her hands in mine. She
’s avoiding looking at me again, but I want her to see what she means to me. “Did I not stay with you enough? Am I not showing you how much you mean to me? I try.”

“
Sometimes, I think you try too hard, Liam.”

“
I try too hard to show you I love you?” I ask, stunned that someone could see that as a problem.

“
You try too hard to fix everything. I know how much you care about the people around you and that you want their lives to be easy, but you end up making bad decisions.”

“
Bad decisions about what? You’ve lost me.”

Cerys takes my hand.
“Don’t get mad with me for this.” The wary look in her eyes worries me – so she’s going to end this? “When you told me about you and Honey, you said what a mess she was and how you wanted to help her. You made it sound like you wanted to marry Honey to look after her, not because you loved her.”

I drag my hand away.
“What the fuck has this situation got to do with Honey?”

“
This.” Cerys waves her hand, indicating the room. “Me. My life’s a mess, too; sometimes I think you’re trying to fix me.”

“
That’s bullshit, Cerys! I’m doing all this for you because I love you!”

“
I’m not saying you don’t love me; but it worries me that I’m a new Honey, someone else for you to look after.”

“
Stop talking about Honey! You’re nothing like her! This is nothing like her! Why are you twisting it round to this?”

“
Because if you’re too busy looking after me, you’ll stop loving me!”

“
What? How?”

Cerys stands and moves toward the window, as if she needs to keep a distance. A distance I think she
’s about to make permanent. “You stopped loving her when you woke up to what you were doing.”

“
No, I stopped loving her when she had an affair.”

“
Liam, you went back to her when it wasn’t right for you. You did that for her, I think; but look at what happened. It’s like you’re afraid to hurt people, and then you hurt them more by ignoring what’s really happening until it’s too late.”