Unquenched (2 page)

But time passed quickly, September arrived, and my new job
required me to leave.  Jordan and I were still together but there were so many
unanswered questions.  The level of passion I had hoped to feel never fulfilled
my dreams.  On an everyday basis we were more than compatible but my heart was
somewhat unsettled.  I was unsure.  He knew I was unsure, but he was more
certain and determined to give it his all.  I felt his hunger, his will, his
urge, and thought maybe my doubts were unfounded.  Maybe the future would hold
something different.  But I had always expected to share intensity and anything
short of that felt wrong.  And more than that, the feeling of certainty was
something I yearned for as well.  I didn't want to guess.  I didn't want to
wonder.  And I didn't want to make it happen.  I wanted it to be so blatantly
clear that the decision did not have to be made.  Yet I cared for him and
enjoyed his presence and hoped that with him it was just different.  I thought
to myself,
just give it time, don't think too much and your feelings for him
will grow. 

We opened our souls and talked it through before we agreed he
should visit.  I planned to be away for approximately three months and then he
would join me in Singapore.  We decided to give it one last chance and would
explore our feelings when he came.  But Singapore was a long way from home.  It
wasn't just a trip for the day.  So we committed to taking a two week vacation
upon his arrival in Asia.  But I was concerned.  My concern was for him.  I
didn't have faith I'd have a change of heart and the last thing I wanted was to
hurt him.  But he was a fighter.  And he wanted it to work.  Somehow being with
him made me want it to work too.  So he came to me, with open arms, and I
respected his commitment to try.

For the first time since we began our travels, we joined an
organized activity.  It had been two full weeks on our own together and I
looked forward to meeting other people.  The sun was shining and the weather
was warm, another beautiful day on Bali.  Jordan had wanted to go scuba diving
on a small island situated off of Bali.  The island was called Menjangan.  The
diving there was supposed to be spectacular, an opportunity he did not want to
miss.  I was a little nervous at the thought of diving, so I decided to keep him
company and just snorkel.

The pick-up van arrived at 8 a.m.  We were running a little late,
and when we went out to the van, we were surprised to find that it was empty. 
So, we got in the van and waited there patiently.  About fifteen minutes later,
the driver, who we later learned was the dive master, arrived with four other
males and got in.  They all appeared to be somewhere in their twenties, or
definitely close to our age.  It never even dawned on me that I might be the
only female, but I knew it would be fun and didn't think more of it.

They were all foreign, as were we, and some of them were
European.  One guy was from Switzerland, one was from Germany, and the other
two were actually Australian.  We all began talking as the van headed toward
Menjangan.  It was easy conversation as everyone spoke English, and I could
tell the hour's drive was going to be fun.  There was playful banter among us,
and already a sort of camaraderie, as we were all on foreign turf exploring
territory that was new.  Only the Australians were traveling together, but the
commonality of diving provided us with a shared interest and a day we would all
remember.

The pick-up van held long seats across, one behind the other in
back of the driver.  I was on the far right, Jordan to my left and Tristan was
sitting next to him.  Behind me was John, Tomas to his left and Greg to the
left of him.  As the conversation progressed, I felt Jordan place his hand on
my leg.  I somehow sensed that he needed to declare me as his and wanted everyone
around us to know.  He could read me well as he had sensed what I was feeling,
probably before I even knew it myself.

But before long, I realized it too.  There was no doubt.  Only
minutes had gone by and I suddenly felt energized.  But it was more than that. 
I felt exhilarated.  My laughter alone was a clear indication of my
elatedness.  It was a sudden high that I did not understand.  I could not
conceive of its origin or its ability to penetrate me so quickly.  But there
was chemistry.  That much I knew.  A chemistry that is born of two people, but
magic that one only dreams about.  It was almost surreal but the true intensity
of it made me know I wasn't dreaming.  Tristan.  Even his name was alluring.

The drive exposed us to beautiful and unique scenery, the
vegetation was indigenous of Indonesia.  My memory does not serve me with
details of the drive, as my clearest thoughts were of Tristan’s eyes and their
candid stares into mine.

My giddiness must have been apparent, at least to Jordan, whose hand
had begun massaging my leg.  I knew he was confirming his existence to me,
without even realizing he was doing it.  I felt for him, I really did.  And
yet, I never felt so strapped in my entire life.  I was more alive than I had
been in two weeks, and in reality, more than I had ever been with Jordan.  I
had gotten so accustomed to our lack of laughter, that I actually stopped
noticing when it was missing.  It wasn't until then, that the spark in me had
been ignited and I consciously became aware of my apathy.

I felt my heart stop as Tristan spoke.  It wasn't anything he said
or the way that he looked.  But just listening to him, I could feel him. 
Somehow his words were paralyzing.  I found him addicting.  His eyes never
swayed away from mine as if he could see right through me.  I feared that he
could see deep into my mind, exposing my thoughts which were all suddenly of
him.  The irony was, I knew that he could.  That was one of the things that
drew me to him.  His style was intimate.  He was direct.  Both with his words
and his eyes.  And his smile, which had an undeniable power, one I found hard
to resist.  It was infectious.  He knew how to laugh and make me laugh and
share himself with me.  In five minutes I felt as if I had known him a
lifetime.  I felt as if he knew me.  I couldn't comprehend it, but somehow I
knew that he did.

As the van brought us closer to the breathtaking sea, the
glistening clear turquoise came into sight.

As we all exchanged information about ourselves, I turned to Tristan
with confidence and said, "And you're from England, right?"

I wasn't even sure why I had asked that question after everyone
had just stated where they were all from.

He laughed and questioned with a smirk on his face, "England? 
I'm from Germany, can't you tell?"

Having had done some extensive foreign travel, it was ironic, but
somehow, I couldn't.  He sounded very British to me.  His accent alone
compounded by his vocabulary and the fluid way in which he spoke, made him
sound so British and also very intelligent.  I became intrigued with this man
wanting to know why he could speak English so well and suddenly wanting to know
everything else about him.

His golden hair and gray blue eyes were not the highlight of his
features.  His characteristics were nice, but to me, dark features exuded
strength.  Light hair usually meant a softer look and dark was what I
considered sexy.  Men were not supposed to be pretty or cute.  I preferred an
outdoorsy look, maybe even a little worn.  But despite his light shading he possessed
that look.  One that signified experience.  It wasn't his hair or the color of
his eyes.  It came from his intensity.  His chiseled face, his rugged stance,
and confidence, that together, conveyed an undeniable sense of masculinity.

We arrived at our first destination.  It was from there that we
prepared to board a tiny engine rowboat to ferry across to Menjangan Island. 
Before boarding the boat, we had to sign ourselves in and leave a driver's
license for identification.  The check-in hut was a simple operation, but an
efficient process, nonetheless.  Tristan was in line ahead of me.  I was
curious about his age.  I glanced over his shoulder to glimpse at his license
with the hope of identifying it there.  Not being familiar with a German
license, I wasn't quick enough to spot his age before he returned it to his
wallet.  Ironically, and for some unknown reason, the man behind the desk asked
him about his age and did so while I was still standing there.  So, he was
twenty-eight.  He was three years younger than me.  Europeans always seemed
older than they were.  Funny how that was.

We all began walking down to the dock but veered off to the little
snack bar along the way.  We needed to stock up with food for the trip as the
island was remote without amenities.  I looked around for Jordan but didn't see
him anywhere.  Suddenly, I found myself sitting with Tristan all alone.  We
were at the snack bar waiting for everyone to join us.  I was nervous.  I was
excited.  I didn't even know him and didn't understand why I felt that way. 
But there was no question that I did.

He lit up a cigarette while we chatted quite aimlessly about
superficial topics and things.  He didn't look like a smoker with his long,
lean legs and hard athletic body.  It wasn't until several months later that I
found out he only smoked on rare occasions.  I must admit, it made me happy as
I hoped my impression of him had been right.  His casual but neat, and normal
appearance was offset by something subtle that I couldn't quite place.  Although
it wasn't blatant, it was in his style that told you he wasn't typical or
conventional.

Jordan and the group joined us several moments later, as we
ordered sandwiches for our excursion to the island.  We walked to the dock
where the dive master waited so he could distribute everyone's equipment.  We
sat in the boat, still on shore, while everyone checked their tanks.  We
studied our masks, flippers and weights to ensure all was in working order.  I
had my own mask and was all set to go after borrowing a pair of flippers from
the dive master.

We could see the island from our point of departure yet we
anticipated a lengthy trip.  We were told that the trip would take a good
forty-five minutes as the boat was very slow.  The sun was shining and the water
was calm but the tides had become turbulent inside of me.

As Menjangan grew closer, Jordan was busy retesting his equipment,
as it was like him to have everything just right.  He looked up at me
intermittently, and gave me a smile, just to let me know that he was there.  I
remained quiet, watching everyone prepare for their dive, suddenly in awe,
wishing that I was going too.

Tristan had only his bathing suit on, his chest and legs fully
exposed.  For some reason, I could not look at him and felt the need to look
away.

We arrived at Menjangan and anchored the boat.  It was a joint
effort on everyone's part to unload the equipment onto shore.  Tristan handed
me several of the masks, but he too was strangely quiet compared to his
energetic display in the van.   I was not at all certain of his thoughts at the
time, and if in any way they pertained to me.

As the men suited up, I looked around at our new and remote
surroundings.  I laid out a towel and organized my belongings where I would
wait for them to return.  Jordan walked towards me, kissed me good-bye and told
me that they would be back after one dive.  Instinctively, I glanced at Tristan
to see if he had witnessed Jordan's embrace.  But I wasn't sure that he had. 
He did, however, catch my eye, gave me a blank stare and submerged beneath the
water.  The rest of the group followed as I felt a strange relief to finally be
alone.  There were several other people on the deserted island, but they were
far enough away that they were silent.

I sat by myself and contemplated for a while, trying to digest all
the feelings that I had experienced in the past hour and a half.  I had been
traveling with a man yet had room for another, feelings I found hard to
understand.  I wanted to make it go away and give myself to Jordan.  I wanted
to give him everything he deserved, all that he wanted and that I had.  He was
so good to me and I really cared for him.  I berated myself for my newfound
excitement but could not deprive myself of it nonetheless.

As I looked out at the crystal blue waters, the reef that I faced
looked inviting.  Feeling confused, yet adventurous and alive, I assembled my
snorkel, put on my mask and decided to confront the underwater life of
Indonesia.  The water itself was pristine and clear and the coral and fish were
endless.  The colors were brilliant.  The steep ocean ledges dropped off so
dramatically it almost took my breath away.  The underwater silence was almost
deafening but it felt good to be out of my element.  It was an escape.  It was
a soothing feeling as I swam through the tropics and I felt my body begin to
relax.  The water had been warm and incredibly clear and at some point, I just
started to float.  It was an effortless journey and the natural beauty that
surrounded me, moved with tranquility and ease.  It was at that moment that I
wondered why passion always seemed to come with a price.  I had been swimming
for almost an entire hour when I realized that the tide had pulled me further
down shore.  It had been time to go anyway.  I had been a welcome visitor in
another world, seen spectacular life, and felt a thawing yet content sense of
fatigue.

The bubbles on the water's surface told me that the men were
ascending, and that they would soon arrive.  One by one, they emerged from the
water as they walked in my direction with their equipment.  Although they wore
wet suits, their distinct shapes and sizes made them easy to recognize, despite
the short time I had known most of them.  John, Tomas and Greg stopped on the
way, to get some dry clothes from the boat.  Jordan and Tristan walked toward
me in tandem, as I found out later they had been dive buddies.