Unquenched (7 page)

He was still seated.  I leaned over, squeezed his shoulder, and
helplessly rolled my eyes.  I smiled a weak smile then opened my mouth, but my
words just said, "Good-bye." 

As I began to walk, he grasped my arm tightly, and said,
"I'll see you in New York, soon."

I forced myself to walk forward and to think of Jordan who was
waiting just outside the door.  I had lingered a little longer than I had
anticipated and I hoped that Jordan hadn't felt the time. 

"Hi," I said, having the need to say something and
immediately engage in conversation.  Jordan appeared tired and I had difficulty
interpreting his thoughts, but his response was nothing out of the ordinary.

The cab ride back to our hotel was relatively quiet and gratefully
uneventful.  I was feeling introspective as I recycled my thoughts, of the
night and the night before.  As I glanced at Jordan, my heart went out to him
but I knew we were starting to drift.

Our last full day on Bali had arrived.  I woke up with a heavy
head, feeling like I had consumed large quantities of alcohol.  But I knew
clearly, that the drinks I had the previous night were not the sole contributor
to the throbbing.  The next few hours were less than comfortable as Jordan and
I were both on edge.  Our interaction was minimal and what little there was,
was argumentative and combative.  But I knew that Tristan had not been the
impetus of what had become a debilitating relationship for Jordan and me.  I
was grateful for my insight which had told me at least that.  Jordan and I had
never been entirely complete as a couple.  Instinctively, I knew that our
chemistry just wasn't natural.  Meeting Tristan only confirmed my inklings and
allowed me to test my doubts.  But I knew that Jordan possessed doubts of his
own.  The problem was, his doubts stemmed from mine.  He lacked confidence in
our relationship, but not because he wasn't prepared to cultivate it.  His
vested interest was clearly apparent but my uncertainty was clear too.  So we
rode out the day apprehensive and tense as both of us anticipated the future.

The following thirty-six hours were frenzied but pleasant as we
made our way back to Singapore.  The obscure detoured route we had chosen for
transportation, distracted us from all that had preoccupied us for the last few
days.  We flew from Bali to Jakarta, Jakarta to Batam, and boated from Batam
back to the port in Singapore.  We had opted for the inconvenience to save a
few bucks and it had quietly paid off in other ways.

Singapore struck us as an unspoiled paradise compared to the less
developed parts of Indonesia.  It seemed like an eternity that we had been gone,
and it had not even been three weeks.  We rushed back to the Westin, the hotel
where I was staying, as we still had a wedding to attend.  I had promised Alex,
a new but close friend, that we'd come if we returned to Singapore on time.  Alex
worked in Singapore, at the
FUN
office, and I felt that I wanted to go.

We showered and dressed and made it to the Hilton exactly on
schedule.  Both Alex and his fiancé Mei Lin were Chinese Singaporeans and the
ceremonial traditions reflected it.  The food was exotic and tastefully done,
with elegant Asian influence.  Our attire was semi-formal like everyone else, a
contrast to our vacation dress.  An hour into the affair it was difficult to
conceive that we had been in Indonesia that morning.  I thought about Tristan and
all that transpired and already it was fading into a dream.  The urgency to see
him was diminishing and the reality somewhat blurred, but the environment
impacted what I was feeling.  After travels through Indonesia, Singapore felt
like New York to me, and I was confident New York would feel like another
world.  The evening ended festively as Jordan and I said good-bye to Alex, Mei
Lin and to each other.  We were flying home separately, as previously planned,
and his flight was early the next morning.

The bed beside me was empty in the morning and I realized that his
bags were gone.  It was an abrupt ending to our trip, although his departure
had been planned, and the pit in my stomach grew larger.  A discussion was
imminent when we returned to New York, but I had a long trip ahead of me before
that.  My flight was scheduled only twelve hours after Jordan's but the
separation had already felt endless.  I couldn't honestly say that I felt
lonely for him, but his absence was undeniably noticed.  Yet, with his absence
came a strong sense of freedom, a feeling that I had yearned for, for weeks.

My flight to New York was boarding.  I took a deep breath and
walked to the window to record a mental picture of the land.  So much had
changed from the day I arrived it was hard to think back to that time.  It
wasn't a transformation of the physical surroundings but an awakening that had
transpired within me.  The outdoors, the greenery and the beauty of Asia played
an integral part of it happening.  The natural subtleties of the distant
terrain made me feel alive and free.

"Flight 1322 to New York is now boarding.  This will be the
last call," they announced. 

As I inhaled the palm trees, the flowers and the air, I could feel
the new person inside of me.  The growth that I felt had culminated with ease
and not solely due to the man that I had met.  My stay in Singapore had given
me a lot, an evolution I'd never forget.  As my mind began to wander and I
privately reminisced, they began to close the door to the plane.

Seven hours had passed, already in route, and the flight had six
more to go.  We would be landing in Brussels for a one hour layover before the
connecting flight to New York.  I had never even bothered to look at my ticket
as I had flown the route before.  Only three months had transpired since the
last endless journey, yet a lifetime of stories had occurred.  I closed my eyes
as we flew over Israel and my mind began to drift... Yes, Singapore had been
good
to
me.  It had been good
for
me.  An experience I would
never forget.  There was never any question of what it would afford me
professionally, because
that
I already knew.  It was the personal
development, however, that surprised me, and the growth I had not anticipated. 
I had been exposed to so much at once, in all different facets of life... The
culture.  A wonderful mix of people.  I had been immersed in a world where
three human breeds, lived peacefully and joyfully as one.  The Chinese.  Soft
spoken, porcelain faces, smiles and respect.  Emotion was not a trait that was
easily displayed, but something I worked hard to understand.  The Indians. 
Strong defined features with powerful talking eyes.  Expressive and alive with
traditions that consumed me.  The Malay.  A hybrid of the East bearing beauty
and depth.  Energy from within shedding warmth through their souls.  They were
all so different from me.  From each other.  Varied and diverse.  I thrived in
this setting where all were unique.  I adapted to them and they to me and the
challenge was nothing but fun... But then I met someone else.  It had been
several weeks into my stay.  The introduction took some time, but I know now,
it was well worth the wait.  It was me that I met.  I met myself.  Strange as
that sounds, I did.  Away from my element with time on my hands, I learned more
about who I was.  It wasn't my thoughts or the people I was with or what I had
said that day.  I witnessed my activities and my time spent alone and how it
affected my day.  My life had become different without built in support, my
dear ones at home that I loved ... But then there was Sam, my dear friend Sam. 
He was my boss abroad.  We had established a unique and very special bond, one
that I respected and cherished.  He was my support, in limited ways, but
sufficient enough for me.  I tried to be his but feared I fell short, but did
the best that I could.  I knew he wanted more, not just as a friend, but it was
something I just couldn't give him.  Yet another situation I learned how to
manage, alone, on my own in Asia.  And there was more.  There was so much
more.  But for me the glory, the excitement, the growth, was being aware of it
all.  Acutely aware of all that surrounded me, of all that I was part of and
living.

"Would you like to see a menu," the flight attendant had
asked me.  "Yes please, I'm starved," I responded. 

He handed me a menu and I surveyed the choices.  As I did, I
stopped.  The print at the top of the menu informed me of something, and of
more than what I would be eating.  The menu read, flying time to Frankfurt is
13 hours and 23 minutes.  Was I on the wrong flight?  Did they change the
route?  I thought we'd be flying to Brussels.  I searched for my ticket feeling
anxious and confused yet I knew the ultimate destination was New York.  It was Tristan
I was thinking about as we approached his home turf which was minutes outside
of Frankfurt.  But my flight was correct as my ticket confirmed, I had just
never taken the time to look at it.  As Germany grew nearer my senses came
alive, but ironically he was still in Indonesia.

As the plane touched ground I felt helpless and unsure as I had
the need to do something.  It was difficult to digest that I was in Frankfurt,
but more that I was not able to see him.  I wandered through the airport with
one hour to spare, as I examined the surroundings so familiar to him.  By being
in his environment and his place of work, I felt that I had acquired a part of
him.  I wished that I could leave something, an indication of some sort, for
him, that I had actually been there.  It was 6 a.m. and the shops were all
closed so I walked to vent my energies.  As I continued to walk, I passed by a
phone and suddenly had an idea.

My pace had quickened and my adrenaline rushed as I approached a
flight agent behind the desk.

"Excuse me please," I said with urgency, desperately
hoping she could speak English.  "Do you by chance know how much it costs
to make a phone call to this number?" 

I handed her the purple card so she could read it herself, as I
wasn't quite sure how to pronounce his home town. 

She handed it back to me along with a coin, and said, "Here,
just use this," 

It was German currency and I thanked her profusely and attempted
to pay her the exchange.

She
smiled and refused and I smiled right back and hurried to make my call.

The phone rang once.  Then twice.  After the third ring I heard a
click and an answering machine went on.  As I listened to the voice that was
unfamiliar and foreign, it was hard to determine if it was him.  After all, I
had only known him a short time.  Maybe it was a roommate.  I wasn't even sure
if he lived alone.  Too many unknown variables.  But the real problem was, the
message on the machine was spoken in German language.  Something I had never
even anticipated.  As I tried to detect if the voice was his, I knew that I had
to think quickly.  There was nothing to lose if it wasn't him and at the moment
I saw no other options.  The message finished, I heard the beep and I took the
opportunity to speak. 

"Hi, Tristan, or should I say I hope this is you.  If it
isn't, please give him this message and if it is, well it is high time you
leave your answering machine message in English," I said playfully. 
"I'll give you one guess who this is.  If you can't already tell from my
American accent, I left you in Indonesia yesterday and will hopefully see you
sometime in New York.  But you'll never guess where I am now.  Believe it or
not, I'm in Frankfurt.  Yes, it was a surprise to me too.  Anyway, my plane is
boarding so I really must run but I would love to speak to you soon.  If you
call me at work I can easily call you back as I realize it's a long distance
call.  'Hope the rest of your stay in Bali was great.  By the way, what does
your message actually say?  Talk to you soon.  Bye-Bye."

My heart raced as I hung up the phone because I knew I had taken
the initiative.  But I also knew that the point still remained that Tristan had
met me with Jordan.  I knew Tristan cared, but because of Jordan, when he went
home, he may have thought better of it.  So I took the risk of being rejected
but I knew that it was my place to do it.

CHAPTER THREE

********

New York greeted me warmly.  The night I returned my family came
to visit as I filled them in on my journeys.  After they left I heard from Jordan
who had also arrived that day.  It was good to hear from him despite my
confusion and we planned to get together the next day.

When I saw Jordan's face the following day, I was pulled in a
million directions.  It had finally become clear, definitively clear.  The passion
I needed and desperately longed for was something we just didn't share.  But it
was extraordinary.  I still couldn't let go of him.  Not yet.  I knew it was
fear of being alone or fear of having failed on my part.  I questioned myself
again and again, and asked if I had actually tried hard enough.  But then I
told myself that it shouldn't have to be such hard work.  Yet, I cared for him
in a special way and that made it difficult too.   Either way, I still wasn't
ready to give up.  I knew in my heart that I already had but somehow I still
had to try.

We had looked through our pictures from our entire trip and
enjoyed them together with pride.  We had both photographed well with some
decent results and captured a lot on film.  Jordan hadn't raised the subject of
Christmas since we had both returned from Southeast Asia.  I wondered if he
thought that I decided not to go, but it was suddenly clear that he hadn't.