Unsettled (Chosen #1) (16 page)

Twenty
-Five

There Is No Place, Especially Home

Teagan and I spent the remainder of the weekend under lock and key in his bedroom, only
leaving the bubble we put ourselves in to answer the door for delivery food and to use the bathroom. His touches were soft and gentle. Occasionally, I caught him looking down at my bare stomach with a resigned look on his face. The sensation of my love and understanding of his gazes somehow made me fall more and more for him. If I kept this baby, he would always be a part of me. Never seeing Teagan again after a few more weeks made my heart bleed. The idea that his hands would never touch me in any way made me want to keep one thing of him inside, stretching the touch of him from outside my body. I was being so fucking ridiculous but I knew, after all, that I had fallen deeply in love with Teagan and the heartbreak of losing him overwhelmed every other feeling I had over this pregnancy.

Monday morning came in a flash
. He started to dress for work as I lay there naked and sheetless on his bed. The soft love making the night before had confirmed all the feelings I had for him, and while I knew a huge shift in reality was only a few hours away, I could imagine what it would be like to stay in that bubble forever. Teagan reassured me all weekend that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to and I believed him. I trusted him, even if he didn’t want to be in my future.

I shook the thoughts out of my head and started to dress. When I sat on the bed to pull my
sandals on, he bent in front of me.

“Lizzie, this is all bad timing but I have a friend coming into town on Wednesday. It
’s been planned for a long time and I don’t want our situation to ruin their time here. I want you to go to your parents and explain everything, but then I want you to come back to me so I can be with you during this time. I want to know everything. But after Wednesday, I need some space through the weekend. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It just means that I owe it to my friend to entertain them. I hope you can understand that,” he said.

Thinking about how the next several days would go, I just nodded. I didn’t care about his friends or partying. I had more important decisions to make before I could get back my life. Teagan was clearly lost to me already
, and it was time to grow a spine and face my problems head on.

As I headed out the door with him, he held my hand
, and before he took off for the T downtown, he gave me a slow, lingering kiss. It was a kiss of comfort, reassuring me that everything would work out.

H
alf an hour later, I parked in my driveway and sat there. I knew my mother was still inside but I couldn’t remember if my dad was out of town. I knew Conner would still be asleep from his concert the previous night. As I walked up the stairs, the door flew open and my mother stood there with a stern look on her face.

“You never once called me to tell me where you were all weekend. I know you were with Teagan, but gee
z, Lizzie, it would have been nice to get a call. Are you feeling better?” She asked, her tone going from frustration to warmth. How she did that, I didn’t know. It was a trademark Mom thing. Mom never stayed mad or upset for long.

“Mom, I
’m old enough to do what I want. I’m not a teenager anymore,” I said as I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Something in the house smelled dreadful. Oh fuck, was that bacon? All of a sudden
, my mind thought of pigs eating slop from a disgusting barrel and I flew past her to the bathroom to throw up bile. Mom came right up beside me and rubbed my back.

“Oh no, you still have the bug,” she said.

I shook my head. As I lifted off the floor, flushed the toilet and threw water in my face, I caught the reflection of my mother in the mirror. She was clearly confused. Did she actually not know what morning sickness looked like? For God’s sake.

I took her hand and led her into the sitting room
, facing her on the floral sofa. My head turned down. I stuttered to find the words.

“Lizzie?” she asked.

I looked into her eyes, tears clouding my vision. “Mom, Teagan and I. Well, we made a horrible mistake. Not a mistake, it was an accident but Mom…”

She cut me off by standing abruptly.
“Oh my God, Lizzie. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant,” she said accusingly.

I slowly nod once.

She came down to sit closer and took my hands into hers. Her eyes were filled with tears and she wiped them away hastily. “So, I’m going to be a grandmother?” she asked. Something flashed across her face. Hope, determination, happiness. Shit, I thought, drawing the word out into a three second drawl.

“Mom
.” I grasped her hands. “He doesn’t want it. He doesn’t see things the way you and Daddy do. He has to leave and his traditions far outweigh his morals in this situation. He’s made it clear that it would never be possible for him to go through with this. And I… I… can’t do this alone,” I said with my head turned down, not meeting her gaze.

She tensed and took her hands out of mine like I had burned her.

“Lizzie, you cannot be thinking… We are not that type of family. Babies are a miracle and yes, the circumstances are troubling, but you can’t possibly be thinking of terminating the pregnancy,” she said with vehemence.

I looked her in the eyes and I answered her question with mine.

Just then, Conner came down the stairs, barreling toward us in a white tank top and his baby blue boxers. His red hair stood up every which way and I smiled at his way of making an appearance every time. Then I cringed.

His eyes locked on my mother’s, who was clearly crying now without wiping any wetness away. Conner looked at my swollen eyes and sat down on the adjacent sofa.

“Oh my God,” he said with a look of panic. “What happened? Who died?”

Then my mother started to tremble and sob
.

Conner looked at me and I said, “No one died, Conner. But I need Dad here so I can explain. I have a problem and I need my famil
y’s support.”

My mother stood up abruptly, ran up the stairs
, and called my dad down from his home office. So he wasn’t away this week. Great, just my luck. Facing the cavalry was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. I crossed my arms over my chest then crossed my legs as Conner studied me like he was trying to get the truth from my body language. I gave him a warm smile but he didn’t return it. He was a momma’s boy and no way was he going to let his mother cry without intervening.

Minutes passed before my
mom and dad stepped into the room. Both sat on either side of Conner and I sat alone on the sofa. I was alone. Clearly, the physical boundary between us was a show of Mom’s total objection to my decision.

I took a deep breath and spoke gently about how I met Teagan and how we were having fun this summer. I obviously left th
e obscene drinking out of the equation, but I’m sure that was assumed. I told them how we were careful but no protection is 100% guaranteed...and we were that .001 percent. Dad instantly registered where I was headed and put his head in his hands. Conner looked to me expectantly for the remainder of the story. I only spoke to him as I finished with the choice that I made and listed all the reasons I couldn’t have the baby. No job, no father, no explanation in the long term, no baby.

Dad stood and went back upstairs. He did that when he had nothing nice to say. Conner looked pissed.

“Lizzie, what the fucking hell have you done? And this Teagan guy... What a fucking douche bag. He just wants to leave a girl that he knocked up and never think twice about it? He’s a fucking mother fucker. Where in God’s name does he live because I’m going to beat the living hell out of him.” He started to pace in front of the fireplace. It was funny how Conner sort of made up for the lack of flames with his seething looks at me. Mom stayed quiet on the sofa and continued to weep softly. I started to cry at her disappointed eyes and Conner’s furious tone as he rambled on about how much of a fuck up I was and how I should have known better about shitheads that only think with their dicks. I shuttered at that thought, thinking back on all the times Teagan’s dick wasn’t anywhere near me, but his heart was.

Mom abruptly stood and looked at me with a pointed finger
. “There is no way in hell you’re going to get rid of the baby that’s growing inside you. I don’t care what your reasons are. I’ll take care of my grandchild, if no one else will. That is what’s going to happen, and if you don’t accept that reality, then you’re not welcome in this house,” she said sternly then walked out of the room. Soon, I heard sobs coming from the kitchen.

Conner swore under his breath and followed his mother to the kitchen. I watched all my family walk out on me, giving me an ultimatum that I couldn’t take. Every breath I took was ragged and forced. The clutch on my gut was fierce and unforgiving.
My immediate reaction was, once again, there in a flash. There was no way I was going to ignore it this time. I ran up the stairs and locked my bedroom door. I grabbed a huge bag and started throwing clothes and accessories in it. It was a flurry of action in my urgency to get the fuck out of that house. That house was no longer my home. It was a place that didn’t accept me. It wasn’t the comforting safe haven that it once was, and I knew without a doubt, that even if I slept in my car, I didn’t have any options. The father of my baby was indifferent, and my own parents were firm in their decision for my destiny. I was trapped, and as my ragged breathing became too much, I zipped up the bag and quietly slipped down the stairs, closing the door with quiet precision.

As I started the car, I looked back to the front porch where I locked eyes on Conner.
The desolate look on his face was more than I could bear. I mouthed, “I’m sorry” at him and threw the clutch into reverse. I looked back in my rearview mirror and saw Conner on the steps with his head in his hands. I started to cry. When the trembling got to be too much, I pulled over three blocks away. I had nowhere to go. I wouldn’t go back to Teagan’s like this. He would be upset that my decision was now skewed by my family’s firm pro-life stance. I couldn’t go home because my family rejected my decision, and there was no way I could rip my body apart. I thought through the catalog of people I could go to and only one name came to mind. One person would listen to my story without judgment. He would only listen. He would always be there no matter the distance and the time. I would be able to hide. I would go unnoticed, a nameless face in the crowd.

Twenty
-Six

Refuge

I stopped at a payphone before head
ing north on I-95 towards Newbury. It didn’t take long to find his house. I’d never been there before, since he moved out of the city while I was in Oregon. When I got to the door with my large bag, Sean opened it before I could knock. He gave me a big grin until he saw my face, and then his look changed immediately to concern.

I took in his appearance. A white
, old school Metallica tee and rough khaki pants reminded me how long it had been since we spent more than three hours together. As teenagers, we had secret sleepovers at his place. I would crawl through his window in the middle of the night and we’d smoke pot and listen to music. I would end up sleeping there, and even though we never had sex, he cuddled with me like we were an intimate couple. He took my bag and opened one arm for me to come in. He guided me past his roommate on the couch, whom I’ve never met, and directly into his bedroom. Bongs, clothes, and a large music system took up his room. Apart from the cream colored comforter, it was exactly what his room looked like when he lived only miles from me. I sighed and fell face up on his bed.

He put on the Pixies Doolittle album then la
y next me. He grabbed the fingers of my hand and stared up at the ceiling. I felt so comforted just knowing that I didn’t have to explain anything going on in my fucked up life. Sean would certainly listen and offer no judgment, but I was embarrassed that he actually met Teagan and I couldn’t listen to another guy making him out to be a giant asshole. If he said anything, it would be that.

“Lizzie, I hate to see that you
’ve been crying,” he softly said. I almost didn’t hear him.

“Sean, I
’ve really fucked things up. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared and feel so ashamed of myself,” I said.

“If I had a dollar for every time you said the words, I fucked up, I wouldn’t have to work anymore,” he said, nudging my shoulder with his.

“I know, I know. But this is monumental. Big. Probably the most fucked up situation I’ve ever been in. My family isn’t speaking to me and I’ve lost a guy I think I’ve fallen in love with. No, I know I’ve fallen in love with,” I said, looking sideways to him.

“That Irish dude?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow. “I was going to tell you. He just doesn’t seem like your type. You normally go for the tall and dangerous bad boy types. He seemed too
normal. Not your typical Lizzie guy.”

“Chase wasn’t tall
.”

“No, but he was an asshole to let you go
, Lizzie. You aren’t someone that I would ever take for granted,” he said.

I turned over and started to cuddle into him. He was the sweetest male friend I
’d ever had and I always thought it was too bad that we never had any chemistry together.

“Tell me,” he said, kissing the top of my head.

I repeated the story for the second time that day, thinking I would be telling it for the rest of my life. Every moment of Teagan and my love making, the times we cherished at the wedding and that weekend of bliss. I touched my neck to feel his necklace and it no longer made me feel special. It felt like a slap in the face. I immediately took it off and tucked it into a side pocket of my bag. When I crawled back into Sean’s arms, he asked me what I was going to do. I told him I was leaning towards abortion and he nodded his head, understanding.

“Lizzie, I got a girl pregnant last year,” he murmured. My head shot up and he looked at me with a sad
, regretful face.

“She didn’t want the
baby and hell, I don’t make enough money to even live on my own, and so she found a place outside of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Lizzie, I went with her and it was a good place. They were very nice to her, and although it was emotionally painful, they took really good care of her. They made sure she understood all her options, and when we went to the appointment, it was a really most comfortable place despite the reason we were there,” he said.

“What happened to her?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “We’re still friends. We’ll always remember what happened, but she seems to be doing okay. She’s dating a good guy and I’m happy for her. We were only together a few times and she was on the pill but no one ever told her that the antibiotics for her bronchitis would lower the strength of the birth control.

“Anyway, I
’m telling you this because that place should be where you go. You’ll feel as comfortable as you can. I still know where it is so we can look it up for you to call. You don’t want to wait. They told her that the further you are along, the more painful it is,” he said with certainty.

“I would really like that, Sean.
Can we call today? I want to get it over with as soon as possible. Then I need to find a place to live since I don’t think my family will ever want to see me again,” I said with a cringe.

He squeezed my hand. Oh, how I loved Sean. He was always there for me
, and at that moment, he was the only person I could fully trust. Knowing that he was there for me and with no ultimatum for himself, made him everything to me.

A half hour later, Sean got off the phone and handed me a slip of paper that he had scribbled on. It was the name of the clinic with the address and phone number. I looked down at the paper for a long while before I outstretched my hand to his phone. He sat down next to me on the bed and placed his hand on my knee, squeezing repeatedly.

I dialed the number and a kind voice answered. I took a deep breath.

“My name is Lizzie and I need to schedule an appointment for an…a…termination of pregnancy,” I said, starting to feel stronger as I spoke.

“Yes, dear. How far along are you?” she asked with complete normalcy. Well, she was an assistant at an abortion clinic. Jesus, how can anyone work there? If I had to look at multiple people like me every day, I think I would cry every time I went home.

“I don’t know. I also don’t know the last time I got my period,” I said.

“Okay, well, then it’s important to see you as soon as possible because there’s a period of time that is acceptable for this type of procedure,” she said.

“Okay. I
’m available whenever you have an appointment.”

“Let me check the schedule and see when we can get
you in next.” She put me on hold and I listened to the soft jazz music over the phone. I hardly registered that Sean was still there, squeezing my knee. I looked at him and a tear fell down my hot cheeks. Never in a million years would I think I’d be there with Sean, making an appointment to get rid of another man’s baby. My life was so surreal.

The woman came on the phone. “Lizzie?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m still here,” I answered.

“Okay, we have a cancellation for next Thursday at
one thirty. Can you come in then?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said softly
. “What do I need to do to prepare?”

“Good, you will be here about an hour. Please come in sweatpants or something comfortable for after the procedure. You
’ll be sore. We do a small therapy session to make sure you’re not being forced into anything and you’ll sign that you want to make this decision over any other. After that, you’ll get a thorough exam to make sure you’re still in your first trimester then the procedure will take about fifteen minutes,” she said.

“So I pay and fill out the forms then? Do you need anything from me now?” I asked.

“You pay when you come here, and yes, you’ll need to fill out other forms, all confidential, of course. All I need from you now is your full name and a phone number to reach you in case we need to move your appointment to another time.” I rattled off my name and gave her Sean’s number. Even if I wasn’t there, he would get me any message I needed.

When I
hung up the phone, I lay back on the bed again and listened to Pink Floyd’s The Wall, pouring through all the speakers around the room.
Mother, do you think they dropped the bomb?
Sean lay back with me and we sang the song together softly. We didn’t speak very much after that. He brought pillows down and plumped them under my head and we cuddled to the rest of the album. Eventually, after the exhausting day, both mentally and emotionally, I fell into a sound sleep that lasted through the next morning.

Sean’s place became my refuge. The next morning, I got onto Sean’s computer and logged
into my Yahoo mail account. That there were five messages from Teagan. Email had never been my favorite way to talk to Teagan but the occasional email from him at work would show up in my inbox just to confirm our night’s plans. I had forgotten to call him to let him know I wouldn’t be going back. So much had transpired throughout the day, and the comfort of Sean’s bedroom made me feel safe and secure. I was still lonely without Teagan’s touch but the arctic wall between us was starting to harden now more than ever. It was Tuesday and his friend was coming into town the next day. I didn’t see any reason to head back to Boston for one night with him.

I read over his emails.

Lizzie,

I tried ringing you at home and your brother
said you aren’t living there anymore. He was an asshole to me and I think he called me every swear word in the book. He wouldn’t tell me where you went to, and even though I begged, he didn’t give me any information. Please email me and tell me where you are and if you’re okay. I need to hear from you.

T

The rest of the emails were similar but they came more frequently as the hours passed.

I hit reply to his last email.

Teagan,

I’m fine. My family isn’t happy with me and the situation. They don’t like the decision I’ve made so I suggest you don’t call my house a
gain. You’re not one of their favorite people these days. I’m staying with a friend outside of Boston. I made an appointment for next Thursday at one thirty. The address is 4558 Main Street. Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I’m not sure when I’ll be back in town but I do hope you have a great time with your friend. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m safe. If you are coming with me next Thursday, let me know via email and I’ll come pick you up. If you don’t want to go, I have a friend that will.

Lizzie

I started surfing the internet. I wanted to see if there was any information on the clinic. I hoped it wasn’t part of some strip mall or on a busy street. Sean came in with a steaming cup of coffee and I looked at him and smiled.

“Just the way you like it,” Sean said as he settled on the bed with a
hard rock magazine.

“You
’re so wonderful. Thank you, honey,” I replied.

“So, how long will I be graced with your presence?” he asked, not looking up at me from the magazine.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I would much rather get punched in the stomach than go through this,” I said as I pointed up to the home screen of the clinic.

“Jesus Christ, Lizzie. Don’t say shit like that
,” he said, giving me a stern look. “You can stay here as long as you want but I do have to work tonight. I have a few ink appointments.”

As I clicked off the home page of the clinic, I didn’t kn
ow what was going to happen to me there. I started to close out the Yahoo window when I saw a new message from Teagan.

Lizzie,

I’m not happy you didn’t come back to me last night. I wanted to be there when you found out about the appointment. How far outside the city are you? I can come to you tonight. I won’t see you until after Sunday and I miss you already. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, to us, baby. You’re always on my mind. Please call me and find a way to see me tonight.

T

I hit reply.

Teagan,

I miss you, too. I’m doing okay but I’m too far outside the city, and it would be a long drive back and forth. I’ll call you Monday and we can talk then.

Lizzie

Sean was looking over my shoulder, and as I closed out the window, I turned to see that his mouth was open.

“That’s him?”
he asked incredulously.

“Yes
,” I said.

“He says he fucking misses you? He got you
knocked up then dismissed you and the—” I cut him off.

“Stop. I came to you because I knew you wouldn’t have an opinion. I just need you as a friend and as much as he
’s hurt me, I went into this with my eyes open. Well, maybe half open. Neither one of us ever thought this would happen, but I know he still has feelings for me. He does,” I reassured myself.

Sean coughed
out, “bullshit.”

I scowled at him. He gave me a sad smile.

“He only wanted to get in your pants, Lizzie. And who wouldn’t? You’re an amazing girl and you’re beautiful and smart. You always have been,” Sean said.

I looked at him, not knowing which to object to. Did Teagan only want in my pants the entire
summer and even now that I’m pregnant? Am I an amazing, beautiful woman? I stuttered out a few groans and he smiled at me.

“Can we watch a movie?” I asked. “I need my mind off this shit right now
,” I said as I got up from his desk.